the boondocks
the date is Wednesday, February 4, 2004. the time is 7:35pm. music, sounds like The Decemberists, plays silently in the background. A Million Little Pieces lays next to me, next to my heart beat that tics like a broken clock. tick tock tick tock. the lighting is dim, colors are smeared, words are blurred. my breathing is steady, calm, but my hands are shaking. I sit here, typing, word for word, quickly and calm. lying on my side, watching the clouds cover the sky, watching the sun seep into the earth, watching the glare of light reflect off of the geese’s wings. fields of dreams, skies of freedom, only a half inch thick piece of glass separates us, tears us apart. my head is dizzy and I feel light. my stomach twists, my stomach turns, and refuses to settle. the alarm goes off, I shift my body weight to watch the door open, watch the tall figure sliver its way in, punching in the password, swearing under his breath. I sigh, a smile creeps across my face. "welcome back." I whisper, you can hear me. You look shocked, scared, hurt. your eyes budge out of your head and you take a step back. "Kayla?" I smile, and lean myself up to my feet. "how was it?" I ask, steeping next to you, lying a hand on your chest. "I- um, it was fine, um, I wasn’t expecting you, what are you doing here?" I back off, turning to the light switch and flipping it on, I blow out my candles, and turn off my music. you stand at the door, its still open, letting in the cold. "thought I'd be welcome." I finally manage to say. you look away, "you are welcome, your always welcome...but." you look down at your hands, "I just cant get it out of my head, I cant forget what happened." I nod, "I understand, I'll leave." I grab my coat, my scarf, my hat, and my cane, and I head for the door. "wait." you whisper, barely auditable, your fingers grip on my sleeve. "stay. you can stay."
you dont have to read that bit. I dont know, its all thats on my mind any more...memories. dont be surprised if I start writing a bunch of things that just pop up in my head from a while ago, down on here. anyways, wow, its mot late at all, listening to this CD: To: Elliot From: Portland. its a goood CD, very, um, emo? angst I guess. whatever, its good.
I AM IN LOVE (again).
this love thing will really take some getting used to, but its pretty fun...
sit back, matter of fact
teasing, toying, turning, chatting, charming
hissing, playin the crowd
play that song again
another cup of klonopin
a nod, a glance, a half-hearted bow
oh such grace
oh such beauty
and lipstick and callous
and fishnets and malice
oh darlin'
you're a million ways to be cruel
(one zero zero zero zero zero zero cruel)
you're a million ways to be cruel
(one zero zero zero zero zero zero cruel)
you're a million ways to be cruel
i should, i wish i could, maybe if you were i would
a list of standard issue regrets
one last eighty proof, slouchin' in the corner booth
baby, it's as good as it gets
oh such grace
oh such beauty
so precious, suspicious, and charming and vicious
oh darlin'
you're a million ways
oh darlin'
you're a million ways to be cruel
(one zero zero zero zero zero zero cruel)
you're a million ways to be cruel
(one zero zero zero zero zero zero cruel)
you're a million ways to be cruel
oh darlin'
oh darlin'
you're a million ways
oh darlin'
oh darlin'
you're a million ways
oh, darlin'
oh darlin'
you're a million ways to be
oh oh oh oh
(one zero zero zero zero zero zero cruel)
you're a million ways to be cruel
you're a million ways to be cruel
(one zero zero zero zero zero zero cruel)
you're a million ways to be cruel
you're a million ways to be cruel
(one zero zero zero zero zero zero cruel)
you're a million ways to be cruel
(one zero zero zero zero zero zero cruel)
you're a million ways to be cruel
(one zero zero zero zero zero zero cruel)
oh darlin you're a million ways to be cruel.
thats the song I am listening to. (yay).
anyways, here is the begging of Arrival|Discovery~
***
I felt a cold chill run through my body. Not terribly cold, but cold enough to bother me. The only other feeling was a dull ache in my head. I usually only feel like this when I sleep in an uncomfortable position....
Sleep?
I lifted my head up, only to bring about a jarring sensation similar to a hangover. I looked around my surroundings. I had fallen asleep... on a shipping dock.
I attempted to slowly lift my body up from the ground, fighting muscle fatigue and the ringing inside my ears. I could hear seagulls in the distance and the ocean gently breaking on the dock I had rested on.
Where am I? How the heck did I get here?
There was only one ship at the dock, and I doubt that I could've arrived here on it. It had sunken to the point where only the lookout mast was sticking above the surface of the water. It looked as if water had slowly crept through the bottom of the hull, bringing the mighty vessel to its knees.
***
well, its a start, a beginning, thanks myst.
I cant wait till the summer. (no, I can!). I dont know what I am waiting for. (who does?) today is Sunday, and noting is on tv on Sunday. I hate Sundays. EVIL Sundays!!!! I'm kind of bored. I've been real busy, real, "in the zen" today. I feel great, sort of tired, but I cant go to sleep. I just really cant. I've been going over my obsessions lately. old ones. I had so many! and they were all stupid. Jake Gyllenhaal, Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, Goth, Emo, Godsmack, Nightmares & Fairy Tales, Dragons, etc etc etc...just stupid dumb things, that I am now over and all, but its just weird. I think I still have obsessions, um, like reading, I LOVE BOOKS, BORDERS!!!! Manga, music, philosophy, writing, design, the future, the past, (history), love, etc etc etc... you get the point, yeah?
Well, I might update later tonight, might, might not, who knows .. . (this is sort of getting fun!) anyways, until later, cheers!