so yeah
i need to like.. idk write so here i am. live journal. ... yippie. okay so i dont know whats wrong with me today i have been really.. irritable. or upset im not sure what ever they probably mean the same thing.i feel sick today i have this sharp pain in my stomach, its making me feel really out of it. so i have been thinking, my own brain is like attacking me. first off when you start to think .. things always get bad, nothing good ever comes out of thinking, once you start thinking you start to realize what you should do and what you should have done, while doing that you always think of the worse and wats the worst that could happen. well... when people said this will effect me for ever, some people don't lie. ive been really careful with getting involved with guys, i have been trying to keep away & locking my self up because of how badly i got hurt before. and every time i try to let go and have fun i just keep thinking about how bad its going to be when we break up and when we leave eachother when he isnt here with me everyday when he isnt there for me. this casued me to totaly freak out, i mean everyone wants someone to be there for them its not fair for someone to do that alone. so what happens? you become friends with someone, the first week of going out you are so happy.. then things start setting in you remember how much it sucked to lose someone and by then, its to late. you have fallen way to hard to even think about turning back. well i dont know what i would do if i lost adam, i mean i would live it wouldnt b the end of the world but i would be so upset. just the thought makes me want to be sick. i love that kid so much. i didnt mean for it to happen, i mean yeah i thought he was cute but i didnt except my self to fall for him so hard, the fact that if we break up which i hope we never do -- its going to be so hard on me. and i keep thinking i should try to stop this maybe if i get out now then i wont get hurt but i dont want to get out, it would be worse if i left now not knowing what we would have been if i chickened out. i love adam so much he is my best friend i can tell him everything. but some times i look at him and his beautiful smile and i just think i hope this never goes away. while i lay in his arms and he tells me that he loves me -- i never want that moment to go away. he makes my day and i have no idea ... what to do. i guess there isnt anything you can do, i guess you are always going to get heart broken and its just part of life -- you gotta suck it up and move on. but if you think about it how can people get married..whats the point? if people dont cheat then something else goes wrong. i mean somewhere there has to be two people who actually love eachother? maybe im wrong but what do i know, im only fifteen. so i guess to cure heart break people just dont love eachother, but that doesnt make any sence either because with out love you have that empty feeling inside of you. many people think they are in love.. i really think i am in love... the way he makes me feel is amazing. my favorite place is laying in his arms, and it freaks me out to think i might not be able to do that all the time. the only way to really let your self go is to.. read the other persons mind, and that drives me crazy i never know what he is thinking or what he is doing if he is being loyal if he is cheating. i have no idea. and you always have to chose between the person you love and what other people are telling you. some times people lie. you always want to believe the one you love. but what do you do when the one you love, lies to you more than anyone else? ill tell you what you do, you take everything they gave you and throw it away you push them aside until it hurts and 2 years later it haunts you again. i guess im just scared.. but im willing to let my self go i just really hope he loves me too. the kind of love that you cant sleep you just think about them all the time and you would rather die than see them not happy. this journal entry is really long, i need sleep. good night.