(no subject)
Okay, so this whole entire week has sucked. I wish I could go back and change it and make everything better. On the bright side, I've reached my short term goal weight! I'm actually lower now. (95 lbs was the short term goal, if I have access later, I'll post a picture, but the chances of that are getting slimmer and slimmer as I type, and I'd rather let you guys know whats going on then give you a picture of my progress.)
My mom's known that I'm anorexic, but I confirmed it for sure on Monday. When I got home from work, I told her I wasn't feeling good and that I had ate a few bites of chicken and that I might as well throw it up, because I usually do that anyway. Yeah, incredably stupid, I know. But I wasn't thinking and I was so light-headed and dizzy. I was really weak the next day and slept until 6:00 PM and skipped out on school and called in sick to work. Wednesday night I was feeling worse, I was getting hunger pains but the thought of food was (as usual) gross, so I stayed in bed and called in to work again. When I was taking a shower Wednesday night, I passed out. My mom had to pick the lock and luckily I woke up pretty quickly. I had a huge bump on my head though and was dizzier than all hell. I was crying and I couldn't believe what had happened.
I don't know, I've always felt like I was in control of it, and that was the first time I felt like I wasn't, because I didn't CHOOSE to pass out and hit my head and all that stupid shit. I mean, I don't want help or anything, and I don't want to stop, but I didn't feel in control.
Then on Thursday ( you guessed it, I stayed home from school and work AGAIN) my brother and I were talking and I passed out AGAIN. But this time my bro and I were home alone and I didn't wake up. He couldn't get me to come back to conciousnous no matter what he tried (water, slapping, yelling, etc.) He ran over to my neighbor's house, and together they called 9-1-1. I was out for like five to seven minutes and the paramedics came. They got me back to conciousness and did all the routine stuff of checking my blood pressure, sugar level, temp, and oxygen level. Then, I had to go the ER to get my electrolites checked, which of course were low, and through my tests they could tell that I was taking laxatives and all that fun junk.
So, while I was there my mom called the doctor that I see for rape counceling and she suggesting Rumuda Ranch (sp?) so my mom called and she's talking to my dad when he gets home on Sunday, and they're trying to send me off by the end of the week. Its a treatment center for children, teens, and adults with eating disorders. You have to stay there for a minimum of 45 days. Usually people stay there for 45-90 days. You can continue your schooling and everything, they get your work from your teachers, and there are tutors there, and you have group counceling, and individual conceling, and arts, and horseback riding and recreational stuff and you're watched AT ALL TIMES. ugh. I don't want someone watching me when I'm taking a shower or taking a shit. Come on now. You don't have your own phone, your parents can give you a calling card, but you can't have outside contact before the first 3 days. You can recieve mail and packages (i think) and no visitors besides your parents (i think). I don't want to get fat again :(