(no subject)
So maybe it wasn't that great then. It doesn't matter, because supposedly it's "that great" right now, and right now is all that should matter. I just can't shake the feeling that the recently uncovered incident wasn't how the story was supposed to go. I was the one always screwing up, always (unfortunately) doing things that hurt you, continually making mistakes and dwelling on trivial things.. In my eyes, you were the one who somehow was able to look past all the horrible things I had done to you and all the reasons I wasn't worthy of such a nice person, and love me anyway. A long, LONG time ago I felt like I actually wasn't worthy, even in your eyes, because you chose someone else, but I was able to handle the fact that I had simply made you wait too long. Plus, I felt like the whole time you still had something for me. I come to find out maybe that's not exactly how it was.. but that's how I like to remember it.
And now I find out that in a time when you were busy showering me with words of love (like I just found), and basically making me feel like a valuable human being, perhaps you really didn't find me so valuable. Maybe that was what you wanted to believe but deep down you were searching for something better, and the second you thought maybe you found it, you gave it a try without a second thought.
There is the title issue, which you bring up in an effort to reason that what I did was no different than what you did. Well then fine, maybe it really is no different for that reason alone. But think of that summer. Think of everything that had happened before the day I don't really want to mention. You did more for me than anyone ever has-the party, the gift, the cute little cards on all the special days. Was that real or was that fake? Were you forcing it? What could have possibly made you want something else; for a second I thought we both had everything we wanted. I can try to put that in the past; actually, I WILL put it in the past... but that's part of our history. I don't mean to bring up trust issues, but I trusted you with my whole heart. Then, maybe even more than now, I never thought twice about what you did when I wasn't around. This sounds horrible, but I know you did think twice about what I did when YOU weren't around. In another way, that makes it different.
It's hard to know what to believe. You told me how you felt then. You did. And you do now. If you're saying it just wasn't that strong back then, how do I know how it REALLY is now? Have you really only lied to me once, or was you telling me how you felt back then a lie too?
Lately, sometimes I do doubt your thoughts and I wonder what you're thinking. But I have never, EVER doubted your actions when I'm not there and I've never doubted that what you were telling me was true. And honestly, I know that whatever you will tell me in the next few days.. I will believe wholeheartedly. I sort of wish I wouldn't, but I'm not going to lie to myself.
So there it is.
i wish i didnt know :(
And now I find out that in a time when you were busy showering me with words of love (like I just found), and basically making me feel like a valuable human being, perhaps you really didn't find me so valuable. Maybe that was what you wanted to believe but deep down you were searching for something better, and the second you thought maybe you found it, you gave it a try without a second thought.
There is the title issue, which you bring up in an effort to reason that what I did was no different than what you did. Well then fine, maybe it really is no different for that reason alone. But think of that summer. Think of everything that had happened before the day I don't really want to mention. You did more for me than anyone ever has-the party, the gift, the cute little cards on all the special days. Was that real or was that fake? Were you forcing it? What could have possibly made you want something else; for a second I thought we both had everything we wanted. I can try to put that in the past; actually, I WILL put it in the past... but that's part of our history. I don't mean to bring up trust issues, but I trusted you with my whole heart. Then, maybe even more than now, I never thought twice about what you did when I wasn't around. This sounds horrible, but I know you did think twice about what I did when YOU weren't around. In another way, that makes it different.
It's hard to know what to believe. You told me how you felt then. You did. And you do now. If you're saying it just wasn't that strong back then, how do I know how it REALLY is now? Have you really only lied to me once, or was you telling me how you felt back then a lie too?
Lately, sometimes I do doubt your thoughts and I wonder what you're thinking. But I have never, EVER doubted your actions when I'm not there and I've never doubted that what you were telling me was true. And honestly, I know that whatever you will tell me in the next few days.. I will believe wholeheartedly. I sort of wish I wouldn't, but I'm not going to lie to myself.
So there it is.
i wish i didnt know :(