dont read if you dont feel like listening to any more of my bitching and whining...sry
nathan IMed me to ask me a simple question about tanning tonight cause he "figured i would know." who does he think he is?! after everything he did he thinks its ok to just IM me and act all friendly and expect me to be friendly back?! and it was so weird... I got this like sudden rush of anger and weird feelings. i just wanted to hit something. i havent seen him in over a month or talked to him in just about that long. i have been thinking about him sooooo much lately and i dont know why. im guessing because im lonely but its rediculous. it started off with me thinking about him fucking other girls behind my back and me crying myself to sleep but the past few nights its turned to dreams of all the good days and how good it felt to just lay around all damn day after jennis going away party. i miss that feeling. i miss being happy... even if it was just for a moment. i havent felt that way since. all i do is drown everything with alcohol and partying. I have puked and blacked out like 3 times in the past month. i just wish i could get over this. im having a really hard time dealing with everything and trying to move on. i dont understand... after everything he did to me and everything i went though, you would think it would be so easy to just forget about it and move on. but no... i think it might be worse. every date ive been on and every guy ive tried to be with, i just sit there and think about nathan and how bad he hurt me and i compare every guy to him cause he was just "soooo perfect" in my eyes, no one compares. i feel like im going to miss out on something good with an actual GOOD guy because im still stuck up on the past. but... how can i move on? i dont understand and i dont know what is going to help push me over the edge to the point that i am actually ready for a new relationship. ah getting a bit teary eyed writing this. i really have kept everything in cause im not strong enough to deal with it all. i just truely, truely hope that when he goes to bed at night, he lays there and thinks about me and what he did. im sure he doesnt cause im sure he could give a shit and is already messing around with other girls heads and hearst but oh well, i can hope. i hope he compares every girl to me and no one ever matches up and he will always have to live with the regret that he fucked up and missed out. im not gonna lie... i lay in bed at night and just wonder if he feels even the slightest amount of pain and regret for everything he did to me. i wonder if he even reliezes... all i ever wanted was to be truthful and not be betrayed... now I dont think I can ever believe anything anyone says. all because of one stupid ass fucking guy who always only cared about himself. everytime i try to tell people what happened they always go "and your surprised he did this why??" was i that stupid?? am i the only one that could only see the good in this kid?? i guess so... i just wish he was genuine and actually meant everything he said in the begining of feburary and i wish that i could go back in time and relieze that he wasnt worth my time when he was fucking other girls and then coming home to little naive 18 year old me. i would give ANYTHING to have this not happen with me, with us. but hey, i guess thats what everyone says after a break up. my birthday is on saturday and all i keep thinking about is my 18th birthday and my 19th birthday and how differnet they were. On my 18th birthday, me and nathan went out on our very first date. He took me to Mongolian for the first time and sent 6 long stem roses to cousino so i would have to carry them around all day :) Then there was my 19th birthday... what a disaster. I dont even want to go into it. It pretty much was just like any rgular night with me and nathan... drinking and fighting and crying. 19 was by far the worst year of my life... i dealt with more shit and more pain than i would ever wish on anyone. My birthday is really making me reflect alot... im not a teenager anymore. This is a chance to start over and just try to move on the best i can and forget about the past and what it did to me. im not the same person anymore... even with my girlfriends, im having a really hard time opening up to people and i find myself acting like abitch alot of times because i just cant trust anyone again. its not even worth putting myself out there to just get hurt again. ok im bitching and whining... on a better note... my birthday is saturday ha yahoooo :) i hope its a good one...