(no subject)
So...what has happened in the past few weeks have really hit me. Im just now figuring out what it all is. There's so much i wish i could just go back, change, undo, say, unsay. I don't know what to do. I guess you would say everything has blew up in my face. I was playin with fire and didn't think i'd get caught. And i did. I had to tell someone and i knew i could trust her and i still can. Today at school i got to thinkin and i was walkin back to class from lunch with CJ. I jus wanted to cry, just break down, let everything out, not care anymore. But i can't cry infront of him. I really don't like crying infront of anyone but my faimly and closest friends. So since no one is around rite now i am crying. What a better way to try and let everything out. I wonder why i have been put in this situation. What good could possibly come outta this. Everyone knows me as always happy, nothing's ever wrong, and they think i have a perfect life. So its hard when im goin through this. Goin to school seein my friends and puttin this mask and forcing a smile pretendin like everythings ok but in the back of my mind im so worried beyond belief. I have so much goin through my head right now i can't think. I want to say so much but its impossible to say it all, put it into words. It just dosen't work. I've tried to apoligize for everything but its like he dosen't want to hear me. Like everything i say is goin in one ear and out the other. Do you know how that feels? I hate when people are mad at me. I sersouly can't take it. It jus makes my whole personality change. If you've ever been around me when someone i care about is mad at me and then when they're not you notice a big difference.
I have so many regrets...and i wonder what my life would be like if i wouldn't have ever made those mistakes. I no i would be a whole different person. In a better way. I'd prolly be happier. Not always worrying. Be able to open up more to people and trust more people. i don't know...this freshmen year has been a roller coaster. So much unexpected stuff has happened. Some for the good but also some for the bad. We never even imagined our freshmen year would be like this. No one really ever tells you about this. You just go to highschool to get an education and be with friends and somehow, sometime you get caught up with everything like this. No one really knows what im talkin bout but may 2 or 3 people now. And it should only be one. Thats why im writing this. Because i started really thinking. When people are mad at me, i tend to think alot. What if i would have said this, what if i would have done this different, what if i wouldn't have said anythign at all or what if i would have never met this person, what if i had 5 more minutes. I just know things would be different if one detail was changed. But then i come back to reality to i know i cant dwell on the past. No matter if i like it or not. I have to fix the mistakes that i have made because in the end they are mine to deal with. Im the one who brougt it all on myself. I don't no wat else to say. Of course there is a ton of stuff in my head right now and i just can't express it at this moment. Mayb sometime in the future i will be. Like i don't think you understand i talked to her on the phone and i couldn't even describe, or talk...its like im in shock or somethin i juss don't no wat to say or do...so idk im out for now...if i finally find a way to express this all...ill update
Still Harder Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
♥
I LOVE YOU CHELSEA...NO MATTER WHAT!
I have so many regrets...and i wonder what my life would be like if i wouldn't have ever made those mistakes. I no i would be a whole different person. In a better way. I'd prolly be happier. Not always worrying. Be able to open up more to people and trust more people. i don't know...this freshmen year has been a roller coaster. So much unexpected stuff has happened. Some for the good but also some for the bad. We never even imagined our freshmen year would be like this. No one really ever tells you about this. You just go to highschool to get an education and be with friends and somehow, sometime you get caught up with everything like this. No one really knows what im talkin bout but may 2 or 3 people now. And it should only be one. Thats why im writing this. Because i started really thinking. When people are mad at me, i tend to think alot. What if i would have said this, what if i would have done this different, what if i wouldn't have said anythign at all or what if i would have never met this person, what if i had 5 more minutes. I just know things would be different if one detail was changed. But then i come back to reality to i know i cant dwell on the past. No matter if i like it or not. I have to fix the mistakes that i have made because in the end they are mine to deal with. Im the one who brougt it all on myself. I don't no wat else to say. Of course there is a ton of stuff in my head right now and i just can't express it at this moment. Mayb sometime in the future i will be. Like i don't think you understand i talked to her on the phone and i couldn't even describe, or talk...its like im in shock or somethin i juss don't no wat to say or do...so idk im out for now...if i finally find a way to express this all...ill update
Still Harder Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
♥
I LOVE YOU CHELSEA...NO MATTER WHAT!
