what is love anyways
Ok so after just having a long conversation with my roomie, I think it's very clear that i need to be more honest. There is one person who in my life I have been incapable of being honest with for years now. (literally years :)). And I just wish I had the guts to be. I mean honestly when you know you just know- it's just scary sometimes. I'm a person that wants so badly to be the best in my field- things like love really scare me. Why? Because they could potentially hinder me from attaining all my dreams and aspirations. And as long as I date guys that I'm not super attached to, then I don't have a cause to be worried because I could step out at any point and go to the med school of my dreams. But if I actually fell in love- oh how complicated my life would get. But why am I so scared of love? Why does it threaten who I want to be and ultimately who I feel that I am? I mean I have no problem letting God love me unconditionally and I have no problem loving my friends to the best I can. I just am scared I guess to love someone in a way that is beyond myself. I'm scared of what that would really be like. And so I hide how I feel and I harbor it all inside. I just pray that God can sort out my heart- I really want to be real with me and him. I wish I knew that if I loved him, that he would love me back in a way that was so safe, secure, and yet intruiging at the same time. Maybe it's time I stop playing games and tell you what's really under there. But that is a chance I'm not sure I'm ready to take. What would my life be with a boy that I cared about so much? Is it possible to feel that way? Is it possible that I may actually crack and give love a shot? I doubt it. I wish I could say yes! But so much of my life is focused on becoming the best doctor I can be and serving God with all my heart! On the other hand I don't want to miss out on something that could be incredible, lifechanging, and inspiring all at once. We'll see. Jing says I should be honest with him- I say God knows my heart and will direct me in what to do. Any advice? This is such a personal post but I guess if I don't tell someone I'm never going to progress in the area :). Thanks for your input!!