Gotta ask yourself the question - "Where are you now?"
I'm not happy with my life. Some people around me are fake. College is NO different than high school... all the same shit, all the same groups, all the same stress. I also thought I could deal with all the shit life has dealt me, but all the stuff I tried to repress - my parent's divorce, my grandma passing away, my sister's marriage, past relationships, the constant stress, my mom putting so much pressure on me to do well all my life, the shit from last semester - it's all coming back to fuck me up.
I haven't told many people, but I went to the campus' conseling center and I have my first appointment tomorrow. I can't handle this myself. I have good friends, but they have their own lives. I need to figure out ways to cope because I can't fix anything and I can't change the past. About three weeks ago, I started skipping more classes and feeling more run down. I would wake up and just not have the emotional energy to get out of bed and face another day of stress. I would be reading a book and get so distracted. I would read 5 pages and want to put it down. It's not that I'm lazy... something is just not right and I'm not happy. I never faced my issues head on. No one really asked me "How do you feel about your parents never wanting to be in the same room with each other anymore?" or "How do you feel about your sister now being someone's wife instead of just your sister?" or "How do you feel about your father living 9 hours away?". No, the world doesn't revolve around me, but I've experienced so much that people have never asked my thoughts about.
In my family, I've always been the one to choke back the tears. Even when we were at my grandma's open-casket funeral, my sister was bawling and I held her and told she was in a better place. When my parents would be screaming their lungs out at each other downstairs, I was upstairs trying to tune out the anger and keep busy. Now that I'm in college, I think of these issues more than ever and I don't feel strong enough to deal with them. Most of the time I feel like a huge failure and too weak to deal with the issues that have bothered me for years. I hope going once a week to someone who can tell me why I'm so distracted and depressed will help. Someone impartial who I can just unload all my disjointed and jumbled shit onto and they can help me arrange it and figure this mess out. I look at my life now as a work in progress. I have room to grow and opportunity to change. I just want to stop feeling so depressed.
I haven't told many people, but I went to the campus' conseling center and I have my first appointment tomorrow. I can't handle this myself. I have good friends, but they have their own lives. I need to figure out ways to cope because I can't fix anything and I can't change the past. About three weeks ago, I started skipping more classes and feeling more run down. I would wake up and just not have the emotional energy to get out of bed and face another day of stress. I would be reading a book and get so distracted. I would read 5 pages and want to put it down. It's not that I'm lazy... something is just not right and I'm not happy. I never faced my issues head on. No one really asked me "How do you feel about your parents never wanting to be in the same room with each other anymore?" or "How do you feel about your sister now being someone's wife instead of just your sister?" or "How do you feel about your father living 9 hours away?". No, the world doesn't revolve around me, but I've experienced so much that people have never asked my thoughts about.
In my family, I've always been the one to choke back the tears. Even when we were at my grandma's open-casket funeral, my sister was bawling and I held her and told she was in a better place. When my parents would be screaming their lungs out at each other downstairs, I was upstairs trying to tune out the anger and keep busy. Now that I'm in college, I think of these issues more than ever and I don't feel strong enough to deal with them. Most of the time I feel like a huge failure and too weak to deal with the issues that have bothered me for years. I hope going once a week to someone who can tell me why I'm so distracted and depressed will help. Someone impartial who I can just unload all my disjointed and jumbled shit onto and they can help me arrange it and figure this mess out. I look at my life now as a work in progress. I have room to grow and opportunity to change. I just want to stop feeling so depressed.