Apr 12, 2004 23:40
I thought that I could email my dad in Hungary and let him know how I really feel. About all of his drinking and smoking and broken promises, but obviously I can't. This is the email:
Thanks for NOT calling that means a lot to me! I cant believe you can honestly live with yourself keeping promises to me that you cant keep. But I guess I can get used to it its not the first promise you broke. Do you know how it feels sitting here having listen to Amber say "My mom says Happy Easter!" then my mom ask when she called her? and have her say " early this morning she made sure she didnt forget me." Did you forget me is that what it was? I dont understand how you cant send me an email that isnt a forward or joke. I dont want jokes I want to know how my littel sister and my mom and YOU are doing! I can get jokes from my friends. It kills me to sit here and wait for you to call like you told me you would. You always said things you never did. Like when I was 6 you gave me a WB WORLD booklet and said "We will go together." I was so happy and couldnt wait for me and my dad to do something together that didnt involve Barbie or Kevin or your work. ! Did we ever go? NO! I went with my mom and Bill with Amber Krista and Konrad and Eweline and Jan. Not with my dad that made the promise. I sent Judit a birthday card. I called you on MY birthday so you could wish me a Happy Birthday. Then the last time I called you I had to explain to you why I called, then got a leacture for why I didnt call sooner! IM YOUR DAUGHTER I didnt fuck up with my mom, its not my right to contact you. Connie gets to see you more than I do. Thats not much but thats more than me! And when I call you to tell you I love you and tell you how Im doing I dont Need you to tell me I SHOULD HAVE CALLED! I called you on christmas and MY Birthday. THAT IS YOUR JOB! Im not the parent you are. You tell me all the time that you want me to visit. DO you know how Hard it is to visit you and have a conversation with you, you are dirinking so much that you criticize me and my friend Alyssa? I dont even want to talk to you anymore. I dont go visit you to hear you tell! me that what I do with MY lifeis wrong I dont need you to tell me that my Best Friend is a fuck up. Do you honestly think that you telling me you love me after you say shit like that to me is gonna make me forget? It wont. When we were at Momos And Peepaws house for christmas and new years I couldnt believe what you did. You had too much to drink and already it was on. My music this... Alyssa that....Slipknot this... My clothing style this....If you hated it so much when PAPA did it why are you doing it to me? I love you and I visit you cause I want to. You will never make me do what I dont want to do. I dont have to visit you, but I do cause your my FATHER and I love you. I dont do it to get criticized! I am a very intelligent person and you really under estimate me. Yeah Im half German. SO WHAT! that doesnt mean that I dont know how to write it good. Im a Teenager. I got a lot of shit on my plate and I dont need you to remind me. I know what I want out of my life. I j! ust want you to be my dad too. Yeah Bill is my dad. But your MY DADDY!!!!! I need you too! And it hurts me when you do shit like this! When you tell me "Ill call you on Easter Sunday" Then you DONT! IT HURTS to be yelled at for me not keeping contact with you when IM NOT THE ONE WHO LEFT! So you need to sit down and realize that Im your daughter and Im not your mother. You need to call me out of the blue just anytime and tell me you love me and how my sister is doing. I need that. Its not my job. I didnt even get a birthday presant. Ambers mom never Forgets to just call. Even in Germany her mom called no Matter the cost. On her birthday Jamie called Krista and Amber not the other way around. You need to get your act together dad. You smoke so much that you might not be Alive to see Connie 23 and me 33. Or see our kids. THis is Scary! You drink so much Im surprised you dont kill over. Do you realize how dangerous and scary this is? For me? I want you to be alive to walk me down! the aile at my wedding and Connies. I dont want to go to your funeral before my 23 birthday. Think about it. Its your life yes and you are the adult..yes but...if you die because of this you HAVE to think about what its going to be like for Connie Judit and ME! I want to be able to read on my fathers death cetificate when he dies of age 87 that he died of old age warm in his bed. Not of a Heart attack or because he 0nly had one lung or no liver! All this means a lot to me and if you will sit down with your cigarett and your beer and read it and think about all of this I hope that something will change for the good. I am so affraid to visit you because I cant handle sitting in a room with you and getting Bashed for the music I listen to and the friend that I have. Im not drinking, Im not smoking, Im not doing drugs, Im not fucking sleeping with boys, or men or girls for that matter! and I dont need YOU, who smokes like a steam engine, and drinks alcohol like my mom drinks water and I! drink Dr. Pepper, to tell me what I should do with my life when it comes to things like that. I know your my dad but I dont need it. When you do this and tell me all this its like your the biggest Hypocrite in the world. You are telling me not to do things that you do. You dont know what its like to raise a teenager, but you were one yourself, do you honestly think that Connie * I hope she has a head on her shoulders like Me* will listen to you when you say "dont drink, or dont smoke" ? she will look you squear in the face and say " YOU DO IT WHY CANT I!" and something bad could happen. She is only 5 I know this but she wont be for long. She is a smart kid she knows what this stuff does to people and she knows cause she sees it happen to you. I dont want my sister to screw up because she had to grow up with all of this. I LOVE YOU and I dont want anything bad to happen to you. Im so scared. I love you and I just want you to sit and think about all of this and what its! like for me.. and what it will be like for Connie. Judit loves you and I want her to be able to spend the rest of her life with you not the rest of yours when your smoking and drinking. Think of all the risks you are putting yourself through. Do you think all of this is worth it? If Bill could stop smoking, he smoked just as long as you, you can stop too. I want to see you grow old with Judit not see Judit grow old by herself. Think about this please and dont take this the wrong way. Ive been trying to tell you this for a long time so dont look over this, I want you to think about this long and hard. Cause this eats me up inside. If you cant understand that then....I dont know. I love you dad! A LOT.
Much love Cynthia