[FIC] On Love, In Sadness
Title: On Love, In Sadness
Author: me :)
Pairing: broken!Junseung
Genre: Angst (?)
Notes: This is unbeta'd but thanks to m00n13 and annedee08, you know i love you guys. And yeah, I planned this to be the prequel for Fool for You but after finishing this I don’t know anymore..
It started one summer.
They had just finished eating at a restaurant near their dorm. Stomachs full, faces smiling, atmosphere hot but good, everything was fine. Their leader was telling a story about a guy he knows from high school, and it was supposed to be funny. Everyone’s attention was all on Doojoon, except for one.
Hyunseung was smiling awkwardly.
How the heck can he concentrate when their rapper’s hand slowly crept up his leg, intertwined said hand with his own, and rested them on top of his thigh, so high it almost reached his groin and the end of his sanity. What meaning did that gesture have, Hyunseung surely did not know. But he wouldn’t deny he definitely liked it, so much it made his smile more awkward than it already was.
He survived that day. But there seemed to be more to come.
The weather became hotter than ever, along with the more quick eye-to-eye contacts, under the table intertwined hands, and warm back hugs from time to time. Hyunseung thought those might just be for fanservice. But the frequency and the audience did not seem to matter to the rapper. As long as it was ‘all the time’, in front of B2uties’ eyes or not, Hyunseung had been treated to these confusing acts by Junhyung.
Still, he dared not ask.
He was afraid all those would stop, afraid that if he said anything, everything might not have even happened. That’s how it goes, isn’t it, Hyunseung thought. He has already learned many things in life; that with one wrong move, everything you’ve put effort in may just pop like a bubble in thin air. And he was not a risk-taker. Hyunseung may give his all for his dreams but not for this emotion on the other hemisphere of his heart. Yes, he is a coward when it comes to these things, especially to that one who always wears a badass smirk and turns by the name of Yong Junhyung.
But then one thing led to another.
Heck, he was not a pervert, but this guy seemed to have every way to make Hyunseung’s pants a little tighter. He even had a Freudian slip one time when he unknowingly said aloud ‘you may unfasten them if you like’ while looking at the rapper. The members gave him a WTH look, but he never bothered to explain and just excused himself to the bathroom, not missing that playful smile on Junhyung’s lips again. Hyunseung was also asking his reflection WTH when a knock on the door came. He opened it, surprised at seeing Junhyung there, more surprised when the visitor pinned him to the wall and closed the door, then thought he was being played on by fate when Junhyung started kissing him. It was not short, but it was sweet. It was their first kiss. Hyunseung just had to push Junhyung out after the kiss to mend the annoyingly growing pain on his lower body.
And then he told them.
No, not Hyunseung, if he wasn’t an assuming person enough. Junhyung just randomly blurted it out when they were all gathered in their living room watching the World Cup. It was so random Hyunseung literally choked on Junhyung’s coke he was about to swallow. It was the most casual ‘we’re going out’ he had ever heard, but it did not surprise him at all because Junhyung is the most casual person he had ever met. What did was when the other four just nodded and smiled like it was the most casual thing to do. Everything was still normally… casual.
He was happy that way, wasn’t he?
Hyunseung could confidently say he knows a lot more about Junhyung than any other person. Everybody knows that the rapper has a coke addiction, but only Hyunseung knows it was because Junhyung was forbidden to drink soda when he was younger. All of them noticed the tattoos painted on the rapper’s arm and collar, but it was Hyunseung who witnessed how he cringed and cried a little when the needle pierced his still untainted skin. Everyone would praise Junhyung whenever he does wonders with words on his raps and even in interviews. However, no one knew but Hyunseung that it was Junhyung’s way to mask his feelings, those emotions he wouldn’t let others have a look into. Hyunseung knew very well how the rapper loathes talking about mushy, cheesy, especially romantic emotions. That was why he never expected answers to his unasked questions.
That was why he doesn’t know what to do anymore.
Junhyung treated him in a special way, anybody could attest to that. Hyunseung would always find the rapper beside him whenever he needed help on anything. He would be cuddled in the mornings when he wakes up with familiar arms and at night with the same ones. Junhyung would often whisper certain things to his ear, making him grin at their shared inside jokes. Hyunseung felt special, but continued to ask himself why.
He was curious, clueless, but more confused.
Then he suddenly tried to be spontaneous. For once, Hyunseung wanted to take a risk. He whispered the three words to Junhyung’s ear one night, while Hyunseung knew the rapper was still in the early stage of his sleep and was still aware of what was happening. He reached up to Junhyung, tracing every crease and memorizing every line on the face of the man he never knew would be more important to him than any dream. Hyunseung took the risk. He would just wait for the consequences.
And they did not make him any less confused.
Nothing changed. Hyunseung was so sure Junhyung heard him that night, and he received no answer but the normality of everything being the way they were. Well, Junhyung became touchier and even a little sweet, but still no answer. Hyunseung was about to accept all these when he felt something… unjust. There would be this pinching feeling in his heart whenever Junhyung gets a little too close with the others. Hyunseung believed it was normal to get jealous, but right then he did not even know if it was legitimate for him to feel it. Who was he to get jealous? Hyunseung doesn’t want to put label on things. But that time, he just wished he had one.
Too many thoughts tired him.
Junhyung seemed to notice and finally bothered to ask. It was their first confrontation regarding their buried emotions; the rapper reluctantly obliged. Hyunseung did not leave out anything and let everything out while Junhyung listened. Then the questions came.
What we have now, is this what you want?
Yes.
Then what is ‘this’? What do we have? What am I?
You’re special.
Oh God.
What’s your problem? We’re good before this.
I don’t know where to put myself, that’s my problem.
You’re here beside me. Where else do you want to be?
It’s all about you, isn’t it?
What the fuck are you getting at?
You know what I want.
And I thought YOU know what I want! Why the hell are you asking all these bullshit? You want assurance? Go out with Doojoon or Kikwang or whoever then!
Jun…
I thought you understand me. I wanted us to last for a long time, if not forever. A fucking name would ruin everything and you’re asking me to give it one!
I’m not-
You are! If THIS is not what you want, then I don’t know why THIS should still exist.
Junhyung walked out. The sky cried. Hyunseung wiped the tears, but they still came. He smiled sadly. At least he got his answer.
Author: me :)
Pairing: broken!Junseung
Genre: Angst (?)
Notes: This is unbeta'd but thanks to m00n13 and annedee08, you know i love you guys. And yeah, I planned this to be the prequel for Fool for You but after finishing this I don’t know anymore..
It started one summer.
They had just finished eating at a restaurant near their dorm. Stomachs full, faces smiling, atmosphere hot but good, everything was fine. Their leader was telling a story about a guy he knows from high school, and it was supposed to be funny. Everyone’s attention was all on Doojoon, except for one.
Hyunseung was smiling awkwardly.
How the heck can he concentrate when their rapper’s hand slowly crept up his leg, intertwined said hand with his own, and rested them on top of his thigh, so high it almost reached his groin and the end of his sanity. What meaning did that gesture have, Hyunseung surely did not know. But he wouldn’t deny he definitely liked it, so much it made his smile more awkward than it already was.
He survived that day. But there seemed to be more to come.
The weather became hotter than ever, along with the more quick eye-to-eye contacts, under the table intertwined hands, and warm back hugs from time to time. Hyunseung thought those might just be for fanservice. But the frequency and the audience did not seem to matter to the rapper. As long as it was ‘all the time’, in front of B2uties’ eyes or not, Hyunseung had been treated to these confusing acts by Junhyung.
Still, he dared not ask.
He was afraid all those would stop, afraid that if he said anything, everything might not have even happened. That’s how it goes, isn’t it, Hyunseung thought. He has already learned many things in life; that with one wrong move, everything you’ve put effort in may just pop like a bubble in thin air. And he was not a risk-taker. Hyunseung may give his all for his dreams but not for this emotion on the other hemisphere of his heart. Yes, he is a coward when it comes to these things, especially to that one who always wears a badass smirk and turns by the name of Yong Junhyung.
But then one thing led to another.
Heck, he was not a pervert, but this guy seemed to have every way to make Hyunseung’s pants a little tighter. He even had a Freudian slip one time when he unknowingly said aloud ‘you may unfasten them if you like’ while looking at the rapper. The members gave him a WTH look, but he never bothered to explain and just excused himself to the bathroom, not missing that playful smile on Junhyung’s lips again. Hyunseung was also asking his reflection WTH when a knock on the door came. He opened it, surprised at seeing Junhyung there, more surprised when the visitor pinned him to the wall and closed the door, then thought he was being played on by fate when Junhyung started kissing him. It was not short, but it was sweet. It was their first kiss. Hyunseung just had to push Junhyung out after the kiss to mend the annoyingly growing pain on his lower body.
And then he told them.
No, not Hyunseung, if he wasn’t an assuming person enough. Junhyung just randomly blurted it out when they were all gathered in their living room watching the World Cup. It was so random Hyunseung literally choked on Junhyung’s coke he was about to swallow. It was the most casual ‘we’re going out’ he had ever heard, but it did not surprise him at all because Junhyung is the most casual person he had ever met. What did was when the other four just nodded and smiled like it was the most casual thing to do. Everything was still normally… casual.
He was happy that way, wasn’t he?
Hyunseung could confidently say he knows a lot more about Junhyung than any other person. Everybody knows that the rapper has a coke addiction, but only Hyunseung knows it was because Junhyung was forbidden to drink soda when he was younger. All of them noticed the tattoos painted on the rapper’s arm and collar, but it was Hyunseung who witnessed how he cringed and cried a little when the needle pierced his still untainted skin. Everyone would praise Junhyung whenever he does wonders with words on his raps and even in interviews. However, no one knew but Hyunseung that it was Junhyung’s way to mask his feelings, those emotions he wouldn’t let others have a look into. Hyunseung knew very well how the rapper loathes talking about mushy, cheesy, especially romantic emotions. That was why he never expected answers to his unasked questions.
That was why he doesn’t know what to do anymore.
Junhyung treated him in a special way, anybody could attest to that. Hyunseung would always find the rapper beside him whenever he needed help on anything. He would be cuddled in the mornings when he wakes up with familiar arms and at night with the same ones. Junhyung would often whisper certain things to his ear, making him grin at their shared inside jokes. Hyunseung felt special, but continued to ask himself why.
He was curious, clueless, but more confused.
Then he suddenly tried to be spontaneous. For once, Hyunseung wanted to take a risk. He whispered the three words to Junhyung’s ear one night, while Hyunseung knew the rapper was still in the early stage of his sleep and was still aware of what was happening. He reached up to Junhyung, tracing every crease and memorizing every line on the face of the man he never knew would be more important to him than any dream. Hyunseung took the risk. He would just wait for the consequences.
And they did not make him any less confused.
Nothing changed. Hyunseung was so sure Junhyung heard him that night, and he received no answer but the normality of everything being the way they were. Well, Junhyung became touchier and even a little sweet, but still no answer. Hyunseung was about to accept all these when he felt something… unjust. There would be this pinching feeling in his heart whenever Junhyung gets a little too close with the others. Hyunseung believed it was normal to get jealous, but right then he did not even know if it was legitimate for him to feel it. Who was he to get jealous? Hyunseung doesn’t want to put label on things. But that time, he just wished he had one.
Too many thoughts tired him.
Junhyung seemed to notice and finally bothered to ask. It was their first confrontation regarding their buried emotions; the rapper reluctantly obliged. Hyunseung did not leave out anything and let everything out while Junhyung listened. Then the questions came.
What we have now, is this what you want?
Yes.
Then what is ‘this’? What do we have? What am I?
You’re special.
Oh God.
What’s your problem? We’re good before this.
I don’t know where to put myself, that’s my problem.
You’re here beside me. Where else do you want to be?
It’s all about you, isn’t it?
What the fuck are you getting at?
You know what I want.
And I thought YOU know what I want! Why the hell are you asking all these bullshit? You want assurance? Go out with Doojoon or Kikwang or whoever then!
Jun…
I thought you understand me. I wanted us to last for a long time, if not forever. A fucking name would ruin everything and you’re asking me to give it one!
I’m not-
You are! If THIS is not what you want, then I don’t know why THIS should still exist.
Junhyung walked out. The sky cried. Hyunseung wiped the tears, but they still came. He smiled sadly. At least he got his answer.