On NOLA, God, Sex, and more
After hearing how I felt about New Orleans, a friend of mine hugged me.
"I'm so FRUSTRATED because I don't know WHY I feel this way. I just want to know WHY."
"I can undrestand that. It's hard when you just have this intuitive icky feeling."
"I keep trying to squirm my way out of it. When I talked to him on the phone, he said I'm his number one love, and he'll give up something else he loves if he has to, but he shouldn't have to!!!"
"Yeah," she hugged me again.
"We've had this conversation before; him wanting to move there, me being violently against it."
"Yeah. I know he has that connection to the city."
"But if I'm not able to open myself to it....by the time we get there...." I shrugged, "I don't know how it can work out. he's going to want to move there. And I'll just do it, even though I'm not happy with the idea, and I know that I'll be miserable because I didn't have much of a choice in the matter."
"Don't fucking move there, then. Excuse the french, but really... If you move there, and you hate it there, it WILL end your relationship. And it will be a slow and painful end."
"I'm just so scared. and everyone is pushing me into it. I feel like a child again who doesn't want to do their homework but everyone is forcing them to."
"I'm telling you it's okay to be scared. Go down there and visit. If you don't like it, DON'T MOVE THERE. Period, end of sentence."
"okay. then I won't. and he'll just have to deal if that's the way it goes."
"Exactly, because if you move down there when you hate it down there, you WILL start hating him."
"well, I have one thing that that city itself can never offer him if he's so in love with it," I paused, "sex." We laughed.
"Well, if he loves the city that much, he might end up resenting you if you keep him away. In all honesty, hon, both of you aren't mature enough to settle down. Let him go down to New Orleans, you get back to what you love doing: school and music..."
"Fuck that. I'm tired of hearing that. I mean EXHAUSTED."
"I know. But don't you ever think that all these roadblocks that are being thrown up might just be a sign? I know you love him and he loves you.. But being in love doesn't mean that you're ready to be in a relationship."
"No. This is one thing on which I will always stand my ground."
She smiled. "Okay. I don't mean to be a bitch or anything. I just worry."
"I know. Everyone worries. But I made the decision when I left Oklahoma. And I stand by it. I always have; in front of my parents, my family, my friends, the world....and if they don't like it, tough. Because I'm young, and because I've still got the balls to go for what I want. And they're all miserable pussies."
She laughed. "Okay.. I won't bring it up."
"It's only touchy because I'm very strong for him. That's the one thing on which I've chosen to never budge. I won't lose him as long as he still wants me."
"Understood," she smiled, "I'm just not a person that has the capability to believe in "love will get us through it all".. I don't do the love thing much."
"His love means more to me than anything in the world. Including school. I know that's dangerous to say. But damn it, it's true."
"I believe you."
"Well....I grew up on the notion that "God is love" and I know you're not Christian, but that you understand the principles and things. God is love. Having love," I paused, "makes me feel closer to God....and Godliness." She nodded. "I AM love. Because I have God," again I paused, "and I have Adam. And I just love.
Adam and my friend Jade says that Adam is simply in love with love."
"That could be true. I dunno. I don't believe in romantic love. At least not for me."
I chuckled. "Well, it's lucky, then, that I am love."
She grinned. "You're just one of the lucky ones."
"Yes I am, and like I said. That's worth fighting for through hell and high water. That's why I refuse to give it up as long as I live and still have love."
"Good for you."
I chuckled, "Now that we've gotten that taken care of..."
"At least you're not trying to convince me to believe in love," she smiled.
"I'm not one to try and convert anyone to believe what they don't feel is how they believe. Even Christianity...you know....in the Garden of Eden, God gave Adam and Eve the choice to disobey. They did, but he also gave them the choice to walk with him."
She smiled agreeably, "It's not a disobeying type thing. It's just.. I don't believe in it unless I can touch it."
"No no that's not what I meant. I mean even though most Christians push things on others, I believe God gave people choices for a reason. If they're not willing to make the choice, then they're just excercising a God-given right."
"Ah.."
I gave an amused look, "Anyway...that's what I believe."
"And I believe that a god that would put people through the stuff I've been through, and the suffering that countless others go through, isn't worth following."
I sighed. "I feel that arguing would do no good."
"Sorry. I have issues in that area," she half-smiled. "I tend to start rambling."
"I know. that's why I don't feel it would be helpful to try and make a point, especially when I still have a lot of studying to do before I'm well prepared."
"Sorry."
"It's okay," I smiled, "everyone's entitled to their own beliefs and I'm open to that. I may not feel that they're right, but that's one thing I can't control. And that's okay."
She nodded, "Thanks for being understanding."
"Hey, look. You're my friend. And I'll never judge anyone for any reason. Anyone. And especially my friends. I'm in no place to judge as it is."
"I AM jealous of you, though," she laughed. "I wish I knew how to get back that faith in love. It's nice to actually see it in action for once, though."
"Maybe...God is my inspiration. Sure, I may not do all the things I'm supposed to. I don't pray every day as I should. I don't go to church often, mostly because I pick and choose what I want to believe out of any sermon...I'm not great about reading the bible. But one thing I know for certain is about God and His love for us. So I stand on that firm rock and look to it for inspiration to get through," I paused to consider my wording, "with those stars in my eyes that you see when I talk about it."
"Just make sure you don't lose that faith. 'cuz it sucks when you do."
"I've had faith for many years. and it's natrual to have doubts."
"Yeah, but theres'a difference between doubting it and having absolutely no faith at all."
"I think people approach it very differently than I do when it comes to my faith. I think, though I'm sure many think the same of themselves, that I have it a little more the way God would wish it to be. He doesn't exclude people because they don't believe in Him. He loves them anyway," and I looked up at her, "as I do."
She smiled.
"When you're too involved in a church and get caught up in the other people that are so 'godly'...drama erupts and churches break up all the time, because everyone else thinks they're right, and holier than thou."
"Yeah. that happens in real life too, or rather, outside church."
"Yeah, but you can't depend on the "church" to tell you what's right. You depend on your heart, and on what God actually said."
She nodded.
"The people are the church, and people...are mortal." I laughed, "wow I sound archaic."
She looked amused, "Nah. It's kinda refreshing," and a smile.
I smiled back. Then as I thought, "I miss being passionate about God. He's taken a back-burner as of late.
She nodded in agreement, "Life sometimes does that."
"Yeah. It WAS easier when I went to a Christian school. A lot of my friends there were as open as I, and others weren't. But still, it was good to be constantly in conversation with Him." I paused for a moment to think. "It is hard not to be a hypocrite though. For instance, I KNOW that I won't be able to abstain until marraige with Adam. I just know, but I'm putting myself in that situation anyway."
She nodded.
"Although I am still a virgin so you've got to give me some credit with my sex drive.
"Oh, I do."
I laughed, "...not that I've had lots of opportunities. But I also hear sex complicates things and I'm afraid for that.
"Yes, yes it does."
"I just hope I'm prepared for that kind of change in the relationship when it comescause I know me, and I know that I might react...badly."
"I'm sure you will be."
"I'll want it when it's happening, but afterward I might be mad at myself, or feel like I was horrible. Espeically the first time. I'll need some ego stroking, and I've told him this."
She nodded.
"Leeeeeetle bit of an inferiority complex..."
She laughed and hugged me. "Don't worry about it. It'll be fine."
"Even if I know I wasn't bad though. I'll still feel like it. Kinda like my singing. I'm always told I'm good, but I never believe that I was, and have so many critisisms. I'm afraid everything that should be good in my life will feel like that."
"It wont'," she reassured me.
"well, hell, sex is older and more innate than even singing is. And I think I'm partially afraid because sex is a big part of what I want from him right now. I will admit it. And I can imagine what it'll be like when we've let go of all the frustration pent up and settle in, after a while, to a less sexual relationship...and I like that...but I think it'll be a big shock after wanting him for so long."
"Yeah. It most likely will be."
I sighed, "Thank you, once again, for helping me get out of my funk."
"No worries," she grinned.