I've made a decision.
(That in itself, as resolute as I intend this decision to be, is pretty damn rare for me.)
For so long, I've been indecisive, inactive, inebriated in terms of my goals. I used the absolute uncertainty of the future as an excuse so I could not try. I've been watching and waiting for life to happen to me. With the Future around the corner, quickly becoming the Present, I'd turn around and just regret what I did in the Past, rather than being productive in anyway.
I don't know what's led to this decision, really. Both the realization that I've been merely been watching for the past few months and the sudden desire to make things happen were a slap in the face.
Maybe it's the music I've been listening to lately. Maybe it's the fact that my grades have been steadily declining. Maybe it's the disgusting amount of self-pity I've built up, despite everyone around me who obviously has it worse, finally getting sick of me. Maybe it's seeing my brother and his girlfriend for the first time in a while. Maybe it's running into the girls' basketball varsity captain at church recently and seeing just how passionate she is about everything in her life. Maybe it was the "Dreams and Ambitions" discussion I had with a friend earlier. Maybe it's a combination of everything. Maybe it's more.
Really. I don't know.
What I do know, of course, uncertainly, is that I want to try again. I want to Live, rather than let Life happen to me. I want to play basketball, even after season's over. I want to get back into art, get back into writing. I want to be more positive. I want to improve the me I've become. If not improve, then at least change. A change would at least be a step in a direction, rather than standing still.
ETA: Audio Hostem is under way, by the way. ;)
For so long, I've been indecisive, inactive, inebriated in terms of my goals. I used the absolute uncertainty of the future as an excuse so I could not try. I've been watching and waiting for life to happen to me. With the Future around the corner, quickly becoming the Present, I'd turn around and just regret what I did in the Past, rather than being productive in anyway.
I don't know what's led to this decision, really. Both the realization that I've been merely been watching for the past few months and the sudden desire to make things happen were a slap in the face.
Maybe it's the music I've been listening to lately. Maybe it's the fact that my grades have been steadily declining. Maybe it's the disgusting amount of self-pity I've built up, despite everyone around me who obviously has it worse, finally getting sick of me. Maybe it's seeing my brother and his girlfriend for the first time in a while. Maybe it's running into the girls' basketball varsity captain at church recently and seeing just how passionate she is about everything in her life. Maybe it was the "Dreams and Ambitions" discussion I had with a friend earlier. Maybe it's a combination of everything. Maybe it's more.
Really. I don't know.
What I do know, of course, uncertainly, is that I want to try again. I want to Live, rather than let Life happen to me. I want to play basketball, even after season's over. I want to get back into art, get back into writing. I want to be more positive. I want to improve the me I've become. If not improve, then at least change. A change would at least be a step in a direction, rather than standing still.
ETA: Audio Hostem is under way, by the way. ;)