The world is much too big for me to handle alone, but I don't want no friends, I want to stayonmyown
I'm stuck.
I'm stuck in the middle of two worlds.
I don't know how to pick one.
I'm so thirsty for a new life.
I'm terrified of the change that it will create.
Where do I want to be in a few years?
Who do I want to be with?
Who will I be happiest with?
Who will I be able to love in a healthy fashion?
I believe I know the answer to that, but I can't get past the memories and the future we could have together.
That future isn't even too far.
I can't get past the love that I had. I'm waiting for it to erupt out of me again. Should I be waiting for that? If it was so powerful before, shouldn't it be just as powerful now? Is it just the numbness taking over which is blinding me of my past feelings? Is it that I felt something different from another and I'm focusing on the difference instead of on the reality? Maybe I'm just scared that I won't be happy again. I haven't been for so long except for the few week break in there, but the mind fucks started. Was it just a rouse? Was it real happiness? Was it the intoxication? Was it my own intoxication? Intoxicated with feeling loved and cared for?
He is too amazing. I can't do this. I don't want to ruin such a beautiful heart. I come back to the song everytime. Why can't I get over myself and let the past be the past. Why do I have to be so fucking selfish?! Why do I have to realize my selfishness? Realization should make it easier to fix it, but really - in all honesty, it's just making it worse - making me go insane. I know he would treat me like a queen every day of my life. Shouldn't that make decisions that much easier? Why can't I allow myself the satisfaction of making a better choice? Why do I always have to screw myself? Something is stopping me. Something fierce. I feel sick all the time. I am sick. I am tired.
That fucker shouldn't have came back.
How can I get over the love of my life? I can't. It's not fucking fair.
I want to marry him. I could marry him. But would I be loyal?
Everyone would be better without me fucking up their lives.
I'm scared of the attorney. It's giving me great anxiety thinking about it. All it is is a fucking phone conversation. Why do I have to be like this?! It's CHILDISH. I am a fucking child. I pretend that I am so grown up. I drink. I smoke. I haven't been in highschool for years. I have sex and relationships. I work. I've made new friends all by myself. I'm a FUCKING CHILD. Everyone has to grow up and go through steps. I skipped too many and now they're coming back to haunt me.
I'm stuck.
Going back may be me trying to not grow up and face life. It might be that whole change thing that I am trying so desperately to keep away. It may be the part of my past that I did enjoy on most occasions trying to linger as to not provoke what lies ahead. Maybe I think about what could happen way too often when I should be focusing on the now. The now sucks. I could sleep for years. I don't want to make a wrong decision. I make those oh so often. I want to make the right one. Is there a right one?
I should just be.
I should be alone for a while.
I want to take a break from everything and everyone just to clear my head.
I am meant to be alone. Always have. Always will.
It's too hard for me to be alone.
I'm much too terrified.
I can't lose them both.
I wish I didn't have to lose either.
I know I do.
I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what I look like or what I act like. Everything has been a big blur. I'm a big blur. I can't see straight. I don't know what I took.
I'm stuck in the middle of two worlds.
I don't know how to pick one.
I'm so thirsty for a new life.
I'm terrified of the change that it will create.
Where do I want to be in a few years?
Who do I want to be with?
Who will I be happiest with?
Who will I be able to love in a healthy fashion?
I believe I know the answer to that, but I can't get past the memories and the future we could have together.
That future isn't even too far.
I can't get past the love that I had. I'm waiting for it to erupt out of me again. Should I be waiting for that? If it was so powerful before, shouldn't it be just as powerful now? Is it just the numbness taking over which is blinding me of my past feelings? Is it that I felt something different from another and I'm focusing on the difference instead of on the reality? Maybe I'm just scared that I won't be happy again. I haven't been for so long except for the few week break in there, but the mind fucks started. Was it just a rouse? Was it real happiness? Was it the intoxication? Was it my own intoxication? Intoxicated with feeling loved and cared for?
He is too amazing. I can't do this. I don't want to ruin such a beautiful heart. I come back to the song everytime. Why can't I get over myself and let the past be the past. Why do I have to be so fucking selfish?! Why do I have to realize my selfishness? Realization should make it easier to fix it, but really - in all honesty, it's just making it worse - making me go insane. I know he would treat me like a queen every day of my life. Shouldn't that make decisions that much easier? Why can't I allow myself the satisfaction of making a better choice? Why do I always have to screw myself? Something is stopping me. Something fierce. I feel sick all the time. I am sick. I am tired.
That fucker shouldn't have came back.
How can I get over the love of my life? I can't. It's not fucking fair.
I want to marry him. I could marry him. But would I be loyal?
Everyone would be better without me fucking up their lives.
I'm scared of the attorney. It's giving me great anxiety thinking about it. All it is is a fucking phone conversation. Why do I have to be like this?! It's CHILDISH. I am a fucking child. I pretend that I am so grown up. I drink. I smoke. I haven't been in highschool for years. I have sex and relationships. I work. I've made new friends all by myself. I'm a FUCKING CHILD. Everyone has to grow up and go through steps. I skipped too many and now they're coming back to haunt me.
I'm stuck.
Going back may be me trying to not grow up and face life. It might be that whole change thing that I am trying so desperately to keep away. It may be the part of my past that I did enjoy on most occasions trying to linger as to not provoke what lies ahead. Maybe I think about what could happen way too often when I should be focusing on the now. The now sucks. I could sleep for years. I don't want to make a wrong decision. I make those oh so often. I want to make the right one. Is there a right one?
I should just be.
I should be alone for a while.
I want to take a break from everything and everyone just to clear my head.
I am meant to be alone. Always have. Always will.
It's too hard for me to be alone.
I'm much too terrified.
I can't lose them both.
I wish I didn't have to lose either.
I know I do.
I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what I look like or what I act like. Everything has been a big blur. I'm a big blur. I can't see straight. I don't know what I took.