(no subject)
i need to get off the negative train.
eveything's fine.
i realized this as i was brushing my teeth and i spit half a mouth full of saliva and toothpaste down my shirt.
i thought it was hysterical...how juvenile and sloppy it was. how careless, when the sink was about 10 inches away from me. how easily i could fuck up such a simple task that i've been doing every day of my life. how fallible. how human. such a simple little mistake made me so happy.
and in that span of 20 seconds, while i stared into the mirror with this dumb grin on my face, mouth foaming like a rabid animal...in that span of 20 seconds i wanted to go back. go back and take a million chances. go back and channel my aggression into something creative, go back and say what i was thinking all those times i was silent in conversation, go back and hug my parents, go back and be overwhelmed by happiness that i let myself bury, go back and pet my cats, go back and cry, really cry, go back and let myself be vulnerable, not "brave".
and as the toothpaste burned my mouth from letting it fester there too long, i expectorated all of that into the sink. all my desire to change the past, all the coffee i've had today, all the food that was resting in my mouth to remind me i'm alive and nurished, all of my hateful thoughts, they went down the drain sinewy and foamy, and i spit again to make sure i got it all out.
i let the water run as i reached up and touched my own face in the mirror.
seeing myself for the first time in ages.
eveything's fine.
i realized this as i was brushing my teeth and i spit half a mouth full of saliva and toothpaste down my shirt.
i thought it was hysterical...how juvenile and sloppy it was. how careless, when the sink was about 10 inches away from me. how easily i could fuck up such a simple task that i've been doing every day of my life. how fallible. how human. such a simple little mistake made me so happy.
and in that span of 20 seconds, while i stared into the mirror with this dumb grin on my face, mouth foaming like a rabid animal...in that span of 20 seconds i wanted to go back. go back and take a million chances. go back and channel my aggression into something creative, go back and say what i was thinking all those times i was silent in conversation, go back and hug my parents, go back and be overwhelmed by happiness that i let myself bury, go back and pet my cats, go back and cry, really cry, go back and let myself be vulnerable, not "brave".
and as the toothpaste burned my mouth from letting it fester there too long, i expectorated all of that into the sink. all my desire to change the past, all the coffee i've had today, all the food that was resting in my mouth to remind me i'm alive and nurished, all of my hateful thoughts, they went down the drain sinewy and foamy, and i spit again to make sure i got it all out.
i let the water run as i reached up and touched my own face in the mirror.
seeing myself for the first time in ages.