you may hate me, but I'll remember to love you
my turn.
I'm not going to let this go without a fight. If you won't talk to me, then I'm going to get to you somehow. If we have to do it this way, so be it.
I can't believe how much this whole thing has snowballed and lost control. What did I do? This is all because one day, after I got off work and ran some errands, I felt like going to his house and spending a few hours with him? Come on Rach, you aren't being fair. Do you know how many times in the past few weeks he and I have left off with "maybe we can get together *insert day*", but then you wanted to do something that same day, so I told him I couldn't make it and made plans to see him some other time? He isn't more important to me, and I wasn't choosing him over anyone... I just wanted to see him for a few hours because I fucking like being around him. It's not like I broke plans with you in favor of seeing him. If I didn't give a shit about you, do you think the first thing I would have done when I got in the car to come home was call you?
What was I supposed to do? You're leaving me. I had to find someone, something for me here. Would you rather have me be completely alone when you go? You were the one who, everytime I got upset about you leaving, you would tell me that I was being foolish to think that I wouldn't meet anyone else. I would always try to tell you that it wouldn't be the same... but you never understood. It wasn't the absence of lonliness I wanted, it was the presence of you. But you weren't happy here, and there was nothing I could do to keep you. You had your mind made up, and it was done. So I let you go. Becuase I want nothing more than for you to be happy. The last three months since you made up your mind about leaving have been occupied by me trying to make you see some good... to find some reason to stay. But you made it clear to me long ago that I will never be enough. So I let it go.
You're being entirely unfair. From the word go, everytime I even said the word Jason, you would turn off and snap into one word answer mode. You made it perfectly clear that you didn't want to hear a thing about it. So I appeased you. I didn't talk about it. Yet you get upset with me because you say I'm keeping things from you. You can't make it clear that you don't give a shit, then expect a full report everyday. Why is it perfectly okay for you to spend the entire day in Columbus with Roberta, or go out with Dan, or go see a movie with someone else that I was really excited for us to see together, then tell me "you can go with Jason", yet I spend a few freaking hours with him after work, and all of a sudden I'm the anti-christ and you're moving out.
He makes me happy. I like being around him. This does not detract in any way from what I feel about you. You are my best friend. You will always be my best friend. Even now. There's enough room in my heart for everyone in my life. How dare you imply that the only reason I like being around him is because he paid me a compliment and he's a guy. So far, from what I've seen of him, he's a great guy. You know more than anyone that I wanted nothing to do with him in the beginning, but he kept fighting for me, and eventually I decided to stop fighting it, and just let myself be happy. And I am. How can you begrudge me that? What kind of a friend are you?
You want to talk about changing? What happened to you? For the last few months, I've been so scared, because I feel like I've lost my Rachy. The girl who would get excited over the simplest things. The girl who, whenever we went anywhere together, would smile and link her arm with me. The girl who always had this sparkle in her eyes, like she was just waiting for everything the world had to show her. I haven't seen that girl in a long long time. She peeks out sometimes, and those times when she does, I'm on top of the world. I wish I could just freeze that moment and keep you like that forever.
As far as being fake... who you see is me... parts of me are a direct product of the time I spend with you, parts of me are the direct product of the time I've spent with others. You are the people you know in your life. They shape you. They make you. Yeah... the parts of me touched by you are fairly significant... because you're a fairly significant chunk of my life as I know it.
I used to dye my hair coppery red-brown before I met you, the black was just something I had always wanted to do. Once I met you, I got the courage to do a lot of things I had always wanted to do. I liked it and it stuck. Don't you think if I wanted to be just like you, I'd have listened to you when you told me not to do it because my hair would fall out? I still listen to poppy rock bands. Look at the last five CDs I bought. The only punk/screamo/emo I have in my collection thanks to you is The Used. The end. The Hot Hot Heat poster is on my wall for the same reason the Tom Petty and 30 seconds to Mars ones are. I think the graphic design on them is completely bad ass. That's it. If anyone ever asked me about them, I would never play off like their biggest fan. I'd tell them that I thought the design was really fucking cool. All my favorite movies are still the same ones that were my favorites before I even knew you. I still hate horror movies. You love them. I still love Scrubs. You think it's dumb. I love the Aqualung CD. You can't fucking stand it. I still despise green peppers and pineapple... you love them.
Say what you want, I will always have frighteningly low self-esteem. I always feel like this tremendous burden to everyone, most of all you, everyday of my life. Why do you think when you snap at me, I'm the first to back off and apologize? I don't think I'm better than anyone. In fact, I think everyone is better than me at everything. I think I suck at photography, I'm a mid-rate singer, I'm terrible at any form of webdesign, I'm needy, stupid, lazy... I could go on. If there were ever any times that you felt like I was rubbing anything in your face, it was just because I still don't believe it when people actually compliment me. I hold on to it, and try to convince myself of it... but in the end, I never think people mean what they say. To me, I will always be the girl that's a chore to be around. Half the times you catch me looking in a mirror... I'm picking myself apart.
I can't help the fact that I have had some things handed to me in my life. That was just how I ended up. I am greatful everyday for every opportunity I have been given, and anytime you hear me complain, it is with constant attention to the fact that I could have it a whole lot worse. I don't think I have a bad life... I think I have a pretty damn good one, comparitively. I could take a whole lot more handouts from my parents than I have in the past... but I choose not to, because that's not me. The only times I have ever accepted any help at all, it was paid back as soon as I could.
You are not moving back to Mifflintown. End of story. If you want to start a life here, completely independent of me... go for it. It will absolutely destroy me to see you go back to that where you were before. I have no idea how I'm supposed to shoulder this rent and these bills all by myself, but if there's nothing I can do to make you stay... then what can I do?
I'm not going to let you walk out like this. I won't let it end this way. Last night, you said the meanest, coldest, most evil things any human being has ever said to me. And I still love you. Still. I will never ever ever give up on you. Even when you give up on me. I'm not going anywhere, and I will make sure you are happy, no matter what it takes. You are my best friend. The whole reason I threw out the entire easy life I knew was because I honestly couldn't bear to hear you talk about being abused one more time. Sure, I felt like I could use a change of scenery, but that's what gave me that little push that I needed to leave. Knowing that I had a friend that needed me... I couldn't not help. The only reason I left last night was because I didn't want you to have to stay at a strange place. This is your space too, and you deserve to have it to yourself when you want it.
I'm not asking you to love me. I'm not asking you to like me. I'm not even asking you to tolerate me. I'm just asking you to listen and to not shut me out like this.
Please, be reasonable, Rach.
I love you.
I'm not going to let this go without a fight. If you won't talk to me, then I'm going to get to you somehow. If we have to do it this way, so be it.
I can't believe how much this whole thing has snowballed and lost control. What did I do? This is all because one day, after I got off work and ran some errands, I felt like going to his house and spending a few hours with him? Come on Rach, you aren't being fair. Do you know how many times in the past few weeks he and I have left off with "maybe we can get together *insert day*", but then you wanted to do something that same day, so I told him I couldn't make it and made plans to see him some other time? He isn't more important to me, and I wasn't choosing him over anyone... I just wanted to see him for a few hours because I fucking like being around him. It's not like I broke plans with you in favor of seeing him. If I didn't give a shit about you, do you think the first thing I would have done when I got in the car to come home was call you?
What was I supposed to do? You're leaving me. I had to find someone, something for me here. Would you rather have me be completely alone when you go? You were the one who, everytime I got upset about you leaving, you would tell me that I was being foolish to think that I wouldn't meet anyone else. I would always try to tell you that it wouldn't be the same... but you never understood. It wasn't the absence of lonliness I wanted, it was the presence of you. But you weren't happy here, and there was nothing I could do to keep you. You had your mind made up, and it was done. So I let you go. Becuase I want nothing more than for you to be happy. The last three months since you made up your mind about leaving have been occupied by me trying to make you see some good... to find some reason to stay. But you made it clear to me long ago that I will never be enough. So I let it go.
You're being entirely unfair. From the word go, everytime I even said the word Jason, you would turn off and snap into one word answer mode. You made it perfectly clear that you didn't want to hear a thing about it. So I appeased you. I didn't talk about it. Yet you get upset with me because you say I'm keeping things from you. You can't make it clear that you don't give a shit, then expect a full report everyday. Why is it perfectly okay for you to spend the entire day in Columbus with Roberta, or go out with Dan, or go see a movie with someone else that I was really excited for us to see together, then tell me "you can go with Jason", yet I spend a few freaking hours with him after work, and all of a sudden I'm the anti-christ and you're moving out.
He makes me happy. I like being around him. This does not detract in any way from what I feel about you. You are my best friend. You will always be my best friend. Even now. There's enough room in my heart for everyone in my life. How dare you imply that the only reason I like being around him is because he paid me a compliment and he's a guy. So far, from what I've seen of him, he's a great guy. You know more than anyone that I wanted nothing to do with him in the beginning, but he kept fighting for me, and eventually I decided to stop fighting it, and just let myself be happy. And I am. How can you begrudge me that? What kind of a friend are you?
You want to talk about changing? What happened to you? For the last few months, I've been so scared, because I feel like I've lost my Rachy. The girl who would get excited over the simplest things. The girl who, whenever we went anywhere together, would smile and link her arm with me. The girl who always had this sparkle in her eyes, like she was just waiting for everything the world had to show her. I haven't seen that girl in a long long time. She peeks out sometimes, and those times when she does, I'm on top of the world. I wish I could just freeze that moment and keep you like that forever.
As far as being fake... who you see is me... parts of me are a direct product of the time I spend with you, parts of me are the direct product of the time I've spent with others. You are the people you know in your life. They shape you. They make you. Yeah... the parts of me touched by you are fairly significant... because you're a fairly significant chunk of my life as I know it.
I used to dye my hair coppery red-brown before I met you, the black was just something I had always wanted to do. Once I met you, I got the courage to do a lot of things I had always wanted to do. I liked it and it stuck. Don't you think if I wanted to be just like you, I'd have listened to you when you told me not to do it because my hair would fall out? I still listen to poppy rock bands. Look at the last five CDs I bought. The only punk/screamo/emo I have in my collection thanks to you is The Used. The end. The Hot Hot Heat poster is on my wall for the same reason the Tom Petty and 30 seconds to Mars ones are. I think the graphic design on them is completely bad ass. That's it. If anyone ever asked me about them, I would never play off like their biggest fan. I'd tell them that I thought the design was really fucking cool. All my favorite movies are still the same ones that were my favorites before I even knew you. I still hate horror movies. You love them. I still love Scrubs. You think it's dumb. I love the Aqualung CD. You can't fucking stand it. I still despise green peppers and pineapple... you love them.
Say what you want, I will always have frighteningly low self-esteem. I always feel like this tremendous burden to everyone, most of all you, everyday of my life. Why do you think when you snap at me, I'm the first to back off and apologize? I don't think I'm better than anyone. In fact, I think everyone is better than me at everything. I think I suck at photography, I'm a mid-rate singer, I'm terrible at any form of webdesign, I'm needy, stupid, lazy... I could go on. If there were ever any times that you felt like I was rubbing anything in your face, it was just because I still don't believe it when people actually compliment me. I hold on to it, and try to convince myself of it... but in the end, I never think people mean what they say. To me, I will always be the girl that's a chore to be around. Half the times you catch me looking in a mirror... I'm picking myself apart.
I can't help the fact that I have had some things handed to me in my life. That was just how I ended up. I am greatful everyday for every opportunity I have been given, and anytime you hear me complain, it is with constant attention to the fact that I could have it a whole lot worse. I don't think I have a bad life... I think I have a pretty damn good one, comparitively. I could take a whole lot more handouts from my parents than I have in the past... but I choose not to, because that's not me. The only times I have ever accepted any help at all, it was paid back as soon as I could.
You are not moving back to Mifflintown. End of story. If you want to start a life here, completely independent of me... go for it. It will absolutely destroy me to see you go back to that where you were before. I have no idea how I'm supposed to shoulder this rent and these bills all by myself, but if there's nothing I can do to make you stay... then what can I do?
I'm not going to let you walk out like this. I won't let it end this way. Last night, you said the meanest, coldest, most evil things any human being has ever said to me. And I still love you. Still. I will never ever ever give up on you. Even when you give up on me. I'm not going anywhere, and I will make sure you are happy, no matter what it takes. You are my best friend. The whole reason I threw out the entire easy life I knew was because I honestly couldn't bear to hear you talk about being abused one more time. Sure, I felt like I could use a change of scenery, but that's what gave me that little push that I needed to leave. Knowing that I had a friend that needed me... I couldn't not help. The only reason I left last night was because I didn't want you to have to stay at a strange place. This is your space too, and you deserve to have it to yourself when you want it.
I'm not asking you to love me. I'm not asking you to like me. I'm not even asking you to tolerate me. I'm just asking you to listen and to not shut me out like this.
Please, be reasonable, Rach.
I love you.