Transparent. Weightless. Luminous.
When I was a little girl, I wanted to be an astronomer. I wanted to stare up at the stars until I became one of them. I wanted to stare up at the heavens until I saw God. I wanted to round the moon with my arms and hold her until I shone and glowed and was beautiful.
When I was a little girl, I wanted to be an actress. I wanted to feel the heat of the lights beaming in my face and blinding my eyes. I wanted to feel the gaze of every person in the room. I wanted to be the stuff of songs and sonnets. I wanted everyone to love me.
I want to be beautifuI. I want someone to love me.
I wanted to know everything, to read every book. Recite facts and statistics from memory. Learn every language and be perfectly fluent in each.
I want to be good at something.
Just one thing.
I want to be capable of waking up in the morning. Keep a normal schedule. Have enough energy to work or study for eight hours. Stop having panic attacks. Keep deadlines.
I want to be a part of something.
Read a full page of a book.
Finish something.
Make a friend.
I want there to be a place in the world for me.