(no subject)
Wow.... the least restful 2 and a half hours of sleep I got. I did get some though. Waking up this morning, it's hitting me more. How much I'll miss him. I mean, I cried for 9 hours straight yesterday, but I was somehow still numb to the pain. I hadn't really accepted it. I think some part of me really really wanted to believe that the doctors were just dumbasses and he was still alive. Out of state relatives calling and trying to give us consolation for the loss makes it harder, I guess. I kept waking up through the few hours I was asleep picturing him all bloody... it's so hard. I miss him. I want him back. I don't know how I'm going to move past it. Sometimes it seems like I'd rather just lock myself in my room and cry forever. But as time goes on, I'll want a hobby I'm sure. I can't draw though. god. Everything makes me think of him... I really really hope that there is a God right now. Or a heaven. Something. So that, in some way, he can still be happy. Or that he's still here. Something. I dont want him to be all gone.
Last night I yelled at God. I layed awake sobbing and being angry. I just needed to be angry at something. I dont know if God exists but he is what I threw my anger on to. It helped. I slept for a couple hours.
Moving on is tough... I dont know how people do it. Katie told me I just need to keep going minute by minute and if I look at the whole picture, its like "I can't feel like this for the rest of my life... but I can feel like it for one more minute." And I will heal eventually. I know I will. It just doesn't feel like it right now. Right now, I just want to cry forever and ever. I want someone to tell me that he's okay and have it be true. I want. I won't have.
Last night I yelled at God. I layed awake sobbing and being angry. I just needed to be angry at something. I dont know if God exists but he is what I threw my anger on to. It helped. I slept for a couple hours.
Moving on is tough... I dont know how people do it. Katie told me I just need to keep going minute by minute and if I look at the whole picture, its like "I can't feel like this for the rest of my life... but I can feel like it for one more minute." And I will heal eventually. I know I will. It just doesn't feel like it right now. Right now, I just want to cry forever and ever. I want someone to tell me that he's okay and have it be true. I want. I won't have.