Beautiful... just beautiful
as always no one seems happy at this time of year people are on edge people are overweight at least i am and some people just want to crawl into a little hole and wait for the sun to come back out again or at least until the temperature reaches double digits but i dont think thats going to happen anytime soon luckily i have felt the need to embrace such boundries and set them free i have freed myself from my prison cell and put myself back into the world thats all college is really is just a nicer prison for kids to grow up in after high school is done we learn alot and form groups and those groups tend to be bad for us in some shape or form i have way too much work to do anyways i am moving next week to my brothers house and i will be there for a couple months i am pretty happy about it then again i am pretty happy whenever i have the idea in my head that i am on the move i think i just hate sitting still i always hate the place i am at its only a matter of time before i hate my brothers place as well i think restrictions restrictions and all these fucking contradictions all these if then statements of happiness fill the world all these promises and signs of emptiness fill the void i thought alot of people were going to call me while i was living on campus and i am not calling anyone or gorup of people out because i am more to blame probably than anyone in the paast month i have slept in my apartment for not even a week it makes one wonder why pay rent and thats exactly why i decided not to it also weirded me ou that an atheist godless person could be living next to future god preachers and i think thats scarier or else not having a dishwasher is scarier either could be true anything could be strange and lovely as the voice of axl rose anything could be as sweet as the relationship i am in which is strange because for never being happy where i am i sure found the right relationship for me if only it wasn't for this school distraction i could do lots of things that mattered there i go again with the if then distractions i dont care if my journal confuses or dilutes the mind the fact is i am writing the fact is i have no censor in my head the fact theres no one left to offend journals have come under alot of scrutiny lately for being too revealing yet sometimes this same people reeling from attacks have been guilty of lashing out for journal reading as well i am not trying to hate just point out the oddities of human existence how many times we curse the drunkard under our breath of drunkeness and we curse the drunkard when only alcohol gives us the fuel to call them an alcoholic i think i just needed something to wrtire while writing this boring fucking psych paper and its scientific crap i dont understand ethical boards if the ethics board stops you here but its a good experiment just fucking move all people care about is results not whether it was ethical or not the best experiemnts are always going to be the least ethical to call hitler evil is naieve but worshipped to call bush evil is worshipped but naieve look at how similar their goals are they are just persecuting a common enemy to strengtehn their support from the people dont blame bush he doesnt know any better we have never praised him for anything else he just wants attention just like the girl or boy next to you in class whatever i am sixk of rules and faux paw ness i am sick wondering why is there a fourth level of morality of apathy can you be self agnostic and not believe in yourself and but believe you are a higher power i think thats what id callled myself i think i am no superman but i can do strange things that would mkae superman laugh is it time for the holidays yet i think so because everyone is frowning when the days start getting longer and the smiles start getting warmer thats when all will come to fruition again and nothing will have changed i have left people for a year and they havent ever changed i am sick of people not changing or wishing they could go back to the way they were before change i am sick of people who only love themselves and love people who love them what a strange world we live in i dont think everyone was cut out for love theres not someone for everyone its just not possible for everyone in the world to be this laxidazical about everything four pages to go in my other paper if only i could write it like this everything would go a lot faster and id be sleeping alot more tonight but as it is ill just dream for an hour again there i go writing a long journal entry again that only the diehards will get to the end of but with so much at hand its a wonder any of us get to the end at all because i still have alot to write about but that would just be ridiculous more kids come home more kids are getting ready for semester at sea dreamland what a land that was a pure eutopia of happiness if you ever wanna be happy jsut go live on a fucking boat for a couple days in fact if you wanna be happy just do something cause thats what i am not doing right now is something i feel like i am doing nothing and it sucks and i just want to just do something but i have too many restrictions holding me back theres no pride in my life at the moment except hockey here and there and guitar for a girl who cares but besides that i cant see myself going places at the moment and that sucks i cant see myself doing anything excpet work and and school and travel i cant wait till my friends are home then the world will finally make sense and i will finally lose cents i am skipping family dinner because theres no love there only obligation and thats not love just because they are family doesnt make love an obligation if no cares and they are all just pretending to care then why bother why bother hen others do care but then again maybe thats the core of my rotten body is that i just cant seem to get close to anyone in my family without me realizing what idiots they are or maybe thats whats scary i dont know i think its time to to get the next two thirds of the paper done at this rate ill be done by this same time tomororow and its due in 6 hours six horus FUCKKKKKKKKKK tomorrow will feel long but it has good intentions it just about the wrong way of getting through these intentions. whats happening to us.