THIS will be the end of me
I'm sick of feeling like I love Phil [Colley] sometimes and like I don't want to be with him other times. I want to do what feels right, but going back and forth like this isn't healthy. I put us on a break, but we still act like a couple. It might be time that I just break it off completely.
When I look back on our relationship, I'm ashamed of things that I've done and decisions that I've made. He treats me much better than Phil [McGrath] did, but I'm in love with Phil [McGrath], and it's preventing me from loving Phil [Colley]. I've tried so hard. I've tried so FUCKING hard to just overcome the feelings I have for Phil [McGrath] and move on. The feelings I have for Phil [McGrath] are so embedded in me, it's become part of my unconscious. That's why I wake up feeling as if there's nothing to live for. That's why I tear up as soon as I hear a romantic song, watch romanticism in a movie, or even when I try to talk to people about how much I love him or miss him. I try to detach my feelings from those things, but within a split second, I choke, and I'm tearing up. How can I love one person so much? It amazes me. It affects my everyday life without my ability to control it.
My unconditional, undeniable, never-fading love for him makes me completely confident that I could spend the rest of my life with this man, and we would never be without the strongest bond of love I have ever known. How could a feeling this perfect be without a match? I feel that it is possible that he feels the same way, but is more able to deny/refuse it because of his current girlfriend. I can understand, because I tried to push my feelings for Phil [McGrath] away so that I could be with Phil [Colley]. I felt as if Phil [Colley] was a better man, and not only was he a better match for me, but he deserved it more. I made my decision of who to be with solely with my mind, without any guidance from my heart. I know you shouldn't always follow your heart, it can lead you to some very terrible places, but your heart can also control your emotions on a day-to-day basis more than your brain can. I may have made a good decision on choosing Phil [Colley], but my heart doesn't care. He's not Phil [McGrath], and that's all it cares about at this point. I know Phil [McGrath] still has feelings for me, but that doesn't mean much when he's with someone else. I know that he's never held on to feelings for his other ex-girlfriends before, but those were all non-serious high school relationships.
I keep on waiting for Phil [McGrath] to realize how much he really loves me, regardless of how sweet his current girlfriend is or how much he likes her family. Certain things can blind us from reality. We think we're doing the right thing, but what seems right and what feels right are often different. I'm not saying that what feels right always trumps with seems right, but when it comes to love, marriage, and family, what feels right might be a better path. A marriage needs to be true love--unconditional, loyal, with that unexplainable connection that never makes you want to give up. On the surface, it can seem like my relationship with Phil [McGrath] didn't have those qualities, but if you step back and consider those words over the long-term rather than over a certain event or small period of time, they're all true.
Going to Central may have made me want to deal with our problems less, but the strength of my love for him never changed. Dealing with our problems over the phone was new to me, since we were always able to confront our problems in person before. I wasn't able to use certain techniques such as cuddling or giving him an 'I'm so sorry' look over the phone; now, I only had my voice. I wanted to fix the problem, I just didn't want to do it over the phone. It was the way I handled things that changed, not my love for him. I may have done some disloyal things to him--getting close to Alex, kissing Phil [Colley] back that one night--each of them being mistakes I was willing to work through. I have a big heart, I just need to learn how to control it. It's hard for me to say "no, we can't be friends because you love me too much" or "no, we can't be friends because it's hurting my relationship with my boyfriend" because I want to make it work. I want to be able to be friends with the other guy, trust myself, and have my boyfriend trust me. I want those things to work out, because in a perfect world, I feel like they should. If my loyalty to Phil [McGrath] wasn't strong, I wouldn't be suffering like I am now. I'm so loyal in fact, that I am unable to love Phil [Colley] like I feel I should. The bond we had that made us never want to give up--why did we end up giving up? That's where my logic came into my decision making without the help of my feelings. We still had that bond, I still do, but I used my brain to decide to be with Phil [Colley]. I told my feelings that enough was enough, and I needed something better. Phil [McGrath] almost killed himself over losing me. Then he found the girl he's with now, and now he feels he doesn't need me. I got together with Phil [Colley], didn't feel as if I needed Phil [McGrath], but then my feelings overpowered my mind, and now I feel like giving up on life. Me and Phil [McGrath] have experienced the same emotions, just in opposite order.
If I find someone new and Phil [McGrath] wants me back, will I be able to make the right decision?
When I look back on our relationship, I'm ashamed of things that I've done and decisions that I've made. He treats me much better than Phil [McGrath] did, but I'm in love with Phil [McGrath], and it's preventing me from loving Phil [Colley]. I've tried so hard. I've tried so FUCKING hard to just overcome the feelings I have for Phil [McGrath] and move on. The feelings I have for Phil [McGrath] are so embedded in me, it's become part of my unconscious. That's why I wake up feeling as if there's nothing to live for. That's why I tear up as soon as I hear a romantic song, watch romanticism in a movie, or even when I try to talk to people about how much I love him or miss him. I try to detach my feelings from those things, but within a split second, I choke, and I'm tearing up. How can I love one person so much? It amazes me. It affects my everyday life without my ability to control it.
My unconditional, undeniable, never-fading love for him makes me completely confident that I could spend the rest of my life with this man, and we would never be without the strongest bond of love I have ever known. How could a feeling this perfect be without a match? I feel that it is possible that he feels the same way, but is more able to deny/refuse it because of his current girlfriend. I can understand, because I tried to push my feelings for Phil [McGrath] away so that I could be with Phil [Colley]. I felt as if Phil [Colley] was a better man, and not only was he a better match for me, but he deserved it more. I made my decision of who to be with solely with my mind, without any guidance from my heart. I know you shouldn't always follow your heart, it can lead you to some very terrible places, but your heart can also control your emotions on a day-to-day basis more than your brain can. I may have made a good decision on choosing Phil [Colley], but my heart doesn't care. He's not Phil [McGrath], and that's all it cares about at this point. I know Phil [McGrath] still has feelings for me, but that doesn't mean much when he's with someone else. I know that he's never held on to feelings for his other ex-girlfriends before, but those were all non-serious high school relationships.
I keep on waiting for Phil [McGrath] to realize how much he really loves me, regardless of how sweet his current girlfriend is or how much he likes her family. Certain things can blind us from reality. We think we're doing the right thing, but what seems right and what feels right are often different. I'm not saying that what feels right always trumps with seems right, but when it comes to love, marriage, and family, what feels right might be a better path. A marriage needs to be true love--unconditional, loyal, with that unexplainable connection that never makes you want to give up. On the surface, it can seem like my relationship with Phil [McGrath] didn't have those qualities, but if you step back and consider those words over the long-term rather than over a certain event or small period of time, they're all true.
Going to Central may have made me want to deal with our problems less, but the strength of my love for him never changed. Dealing with our problems over the phone was new to me, since we were always able to confront our problems in person before. I wasn't able to use certain techniques such as cuddling or giving him an 'I'm so sorry' look over the phone; now, I only had my voice. I wanted to fix the problem, I just didn't want to do it over the phone. It was the way I handled things that changed, not my love for him. I may have done some disloyal things to him--getting close to Alex, kissing Phil [Colley] back that one night--each of them being mistakes I was willing to work through. I have a big heart, I just need to learn how to control it. It's hard for me to say "no, we can't be friends because you love me too much" or "no, we can't be friends because it's hurting my relationship with my boyfriend" because I want to make it work. I want to be able to be friends with the other guy, trust myself, and have my boyfriend trust me. I want those things to work out, because in a perfect world, I feel like they should. If my loyalty to Phil [McGrath] wasn't strong, I wouldn't be suffering like I am now. I'm so loyal in fact, that I am unable to love Phil [Colley] like I feel I should. The bond we had that made us never want to give up--why did we end up giving up? That's where my logic came into my decision making without the help of my feelings. We still had that bond, I still do, but I used my brain to decide to be with Phil [Colley]. I told my feelings that enough was enough, and I needed something better. Phil [McGrath] almost killed himself over losing me. Then he found the girl he's with now, and now he feels he doesn't need me. I got together with Phil [Colley], didn't feel as if I needed Phil [McGrath], but then my feelings overpowered my mind, and now I feel like giving up on life. Me and Phil [McGrath] have experienced the same emotions, just in opposite order.
If I find someone new and Phil [McGrath] wants me back, will I be able to make the right decision?