Blood Ties, Part 5/6
This is what happened, flist. I commented on a post by muchtvs, and somehow she wound up challenging me to post an update of this story, which I haven't touched in a year, by the end of September. I'm sure you've forgotten it too: it's my Trey-and-Ryan-go-to-meet-their-father-when-he's-released-from-prison fic--so old that it was begun before we knew Papa
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So many things resonate powerfully here, all the more so because of your portrait that seems to be comprised of one desperate thought, feeling and moment built upon another. The flashback, especially, provides a lens into the heart of it all by defining past and present in such parallel contexts. I swear I can see the gritty "Chino" cam at work helping to appropriately color Ryan's perspective down to each hue and perception.
As I try to think of what may have changed, other than the players becoming older (and in the case of the older 2 Atwoods, none the wiser), I find myself focusing instead on what has sadly stayed the same. I can't help but wonder at what age Ryan became the shield or vehicle for everyone else to manipulate and use at will for self-serving purposes. The pattern is already in place and Ryan is too young to protest. He must not have never known any differently. Even Dawn of the Living Dead really directed Trey to do her dirty work, including Ryan afterwards as one of "Frank's boys." There's an honor and birthright! Trey made the call after that, and put a 6-year-old in a very precarious position while he stood back out of arm's way. How telling is it that he might have caught Ryan when he started to fall AFTER the poor kid was smacked by drunk skank Hercules, but put Ryan in the compromising position and all but hid behind him. I was almost surprised he didn't stay back near Roxie, or if he would have if Ryan hadn't asked.
Ryan's sense of obligation, responsibility, and then the guilt are all there. He does know that Frank, and this is the real Frank, unlike canon (minus maybe 2 early scenes), doesn't "like" him and he certainly doesn't "like" Frank. Of course, Ryan also doesn't understand Roxie's reaction to him- once she gets a look at him, or her gentle attempts at some kindness. That's just alien to him.
The little touches, from the gap-toothed rawness that indicate one rite of passage within another, the squaring of a determined, sturdy, small set of shoulders and so many of Ryan's inner musings all contribute to some very vivid images. For someone so uncertain, except for what he knows can't end well, Ryan shows admirable courage- although I'm sure he believes he doesn't have a choice. It's one in what must be a litany of examples of Ryan being messenger, scapegoat, target, and clean up detail. He had no part in the mess, but he gets to deal with it. It's easy to see where his skewed and conditioned, too young self would interpet this as an instance of "Trey and him against the world," although that wasn't the case. Trey let him take the lead and the pain while he manipulated Ryan and the situation.
I like how you have Ryan assigning numeric value where he can. Numbers have some constancy and consistent measure to them. They make a modicum of sense amidst chaos, and God knows he's spent his life in a variety of prisons of others' designs, trapped by the chaos those people created and forced him to endure. He might be breaking down his own journey, not just with the pervasive sense of dread (and obligation, of course), but as a way of processing how far he's going and has to go. He's also probably trying to comfort himself with an idea of how far he'll need to go (however quickly), to make his escape. If he can count the steps, it's not insurmountable.
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