Apathy, Space, Dark, etc
"If you're not angry, you're not paying attention.."
Ive been in a real slump latley. It might only hurt my slump more knowing that I am using a technical dead site to share my feelings.
Im sure half of the people who still have livejournal will never get to read this. A lot of my friends dont pay attention to this site anymore.
And sadly, I feel that really reflects a lot of my life.
I am lucky to have a few close friends and a close family member or two. I just find myself wondering if maybe I played a role in loosing many friends.
There are two friends from my past in particular that try as i might to have contact with them, seem to ignore me. It really hurts me to know these friends would suddenly stop talking to me for no reason that I am aware of.
For those who do not know this, i work monday through friday 4 am-93- am, so thats about 25 hours a week. Its really not that much but it really wears me down.
Im tired
-tired of the boring cycle
-tired of the nightly depression I get at 8 pm when i know I should be thinking about bed.
I miss summer nights.
I miss careless.
Sometimes I wonder if maybe I made things really hard on myself by being who I am. by caring about people. By caring about life.
I remember when I was 15, I cared about poltics, and shoved mine down other peoples throats.
I remember my slogan being if youre not angry you're not paying attention.
Im angry, but im not paying attention.
I feel that ive lost my fire.
I feel that I've lost a lot of myself.
Maybe its some sort of pretentious enlightenment?
I saw some people protesting health care reform. Usually when i see people protesting things I agree with I just dont care. Especially abortion protests.
But I found the urge to scream at them, and suddenly felt 15 again. Not in a good way.
But that was the first moment in a very long time for me to feel that spark about current events.
The only spark i feel is the anger I get when my boss mis treats me, or one of my coworkers makes me want to shove her into the lumber saw at work.
What happened?
Was I ever good? or was I just not paying attention?
Ive been in a real slump latley. It might only hurt my slump more knowing that I am using a technical dead site to share my feelings.
Im sure half of the people who still have livejournal will never get to read this. A lot of my friends dont pay attention to this site anymore.
And sadly, I feel that really reflects a lot of my life.
I am lucky to have a few close friends and a close family member or two. I just find myself wondering if maybe I played a role in loosing many friends.
There are two friends from my past in particular that try as i might to have contact with them, seem to ignore me. It really hurts me to know these friends would suddenly stop talking to me for no reason that I am aware of.
For those who do not know this, i work monday through friday 4 am-93- am, so thats about 25 hours a week. Its really not that much but it really wears me down.
Im tired
-tired of the boring cycle
-tired of the nightly depression I get at 8 pm when i know I should be thinking about bed.
I miss summer nights.
I miss careless.
Sometimes I wonder if maybe I made things really hard on myself by being who I am. by caring about people. By caring about life.
I remember when I was 15, I cared about poltics, and shoved mine down other peoples throats.
I remember my slogan being if youre not angry you're not paying attention.
Im angry, but im not paying attention.
I feel that ive lost my fire.
I feel that I've lost a lot of myself.
Maybe its some sort of pretentious enlightenment?
I saw some people protesting health care reform. Usually when i see people protesting things I agree with I just dont care. Especially abortion protests.
But I found the urge to scream at them, and suddenly felt 15 again. Not in a good way.
But that was the first moment in a very long time for me to feel that spark about current events.
The only spark i feel is the anger I get when my boss mis treats me, or one of my coworkers makes me want to shove her into the lumber saw at work.
What happened?
Was I ever good? or was I just not paying attention?