final days.
I put this stupid ticker at the bottom of my entires in several months ago to remind me of how close to graduation I am, to motivate me and help me remember that I can get there and I will. It all seemed so rose-colored then. Now that the blinders are coming off, it's anything but rose-colored. The reality is that I have no idea what I should do with my life (still), and though I can see what I want the end goal to be, it's a million miles away and I have but a few scraps of wood to build that bridge. As I am about to watch my Thursday night shows, the first one being Survivor, this analogy seems fitting: on Survivor, they do this thing in some of the challenges where the contestants get two planks to get across a rope bridge (you guys know what I'm talking about?). Well, they have to figure out how to move the planks (and themselves) across the bridge without falling, and if they fall, they have to go back to the start. I feel like that is my life right now. I've barely got hold of these two planks, I have no idea what to do with them, and I've got to get to the other side. Except I keep falling.
Analogies aside, I am on the brink of a breakdown (again). I have a week and three days, at most, left here in Clemson. While I am ready to try and find a job and get moving on my life, I am also absolutely terrified. Not only that, but I am sad to leave this place that has become a part of me. Sure, there are a lot of negative things I associate with my time at Clemson, mostly mistakes I've made, but there are also some really great memories and tons of lessons learned that I am taking away. This is the end of one part of my life, and not the end I ever pictured. I didn't want to leave Clemson this way. I wanted to leave with a degree in my hand, for one, but also with a big celebration with all the friends I'd made and drinks downtown and all of that. Instead, my parents are coming to help me pack (what with my sprained ankle) and rescue me from myself.
I hope that this move means a new beginning, but I'm afraid that I've just gotten to the middle of the bridge and fallen again. What if I can't make it across? What if I can't do this? What if I never get happier? What if I can never get over this depression? What if it consumes me and keeps me from everything I want to achieve? What if it never gets better?
I've got a million emotions going on inside of me, and at the same time I'm almost trying to numb myself from it all and try to enjoy my last few days here. This has been my home for the last 3.5 years. So much has changed. And yet so much is the same. I wish I could do it all over again, but I know that these things have shaped me and are just as important to my future as they are to my past. At this very moment, I am scared, lonely, sad, happy, excited, apprehensive, disappointed, crushed, nostalgic. I am driving my own self crazy. I want to cry and get it all out, but it won't come. Like I said, I've been on the brink of a breakdown for a couple days. The thing is, I can't make it all come to a head and just get it out. Instead, it's festering inside of me and I just have this nervous pit in my stomach all the time. I'm trying to pack, to enjoy the things that will be gone, to remember all the things I need to do before I go. This all feels so final. No turning back. And yet, it feels like I am starting over.
All I know is this is never how I wanted it to turn out. And when I've always had the answers before, now I have absolutely no idea where to turn.