Everything you want me to hide are the things that make me feel alive.
I've been hiding from reality so much lately. Had a good bitching session / talk with Kristin yesterday during the basketball session. It felt good to let out the tension but it didn't help much cause I didnt' resolve anything and it just kept letting me think. Then I went over to Nick's because I didn't want to go home and I just needed to be away from it all for a while. We curled up in his armchair watching Alien: Resurrection and then I fell asleep on him. Oops. Then my mom called at midnight and asked where the hell I was. Oops again. So I came home and got into bed and fell asleep. Woke up at 9 and read most of the day, except when i was putting away the Christmas decorations (and i thought i hated decorating >.< this is twice as bad and they're all grumpy) or at my clarinet lesson. Been in a horrible mood, now we're going out to dinner and I don't want to socialize.
No one's online. Which I suppose is good becuase I dont really feel like talking to anyone. But mostly i just don't want to BE around anyone or deal with anything. I feel ugly today. I determined that I have a fat face and the flesh under my bottom lip is swollen and makes me look weird. Didn't bother shaving today, Put my hair back with a ribbon and left it like that so naturally it looks like shit. Not wearing makeup or jewelry. In other words, I look like I've just spent an entire day sitting around my room reading. Which I've done. I should find something to make me happy.
Being with Nick is so surreal. Our relationship never has had connections to other people or the outside world. The only time we're good friends is when we're alone and can read each other and open up and get along. So when it's just the two of us, I can forget about everything else and actually be at peace. I lose track of what's going on, what time it is, stop caring about what people tihnk or will think or will do. And I'm just there, in this totally different part of the world, where I can put my life on hold and relax before going back to the tension of "what the fuck is going on with everything?!"
I hate having to make decisions, not knowing what the other person involved wants. Rob and Amy both did that when we talked about breaking up. They made me say what I thought, and replied to that, but neither said what they wanted from me. And in the end, both of them told me, "It's up to you." Well, that's when I broke up with both of them. Not that I felt good about it, it just seemed like the best option. ::sigh::
No one's online. Which I suppose is good becuase I dont really feel like talking to anyone. But mostly i just don't want to BE around anyone or deal with anything. I feel ugly today. I determined that I have a fat face and the flesh under my bottom lip is swollen and makes me look weird. Didn't bother shaving today, Put my hair back with a ribbon and left it like that so naturally it looks like shit. Not wearing makeup or jewelry. In other words, I look like I've just spent an entire day sitting around my room reading. Which I've done. I should find something to make me happy.
Being with Nick is so surreal. Our relationship never has had connections to other people or the outside world. The only time we're good friends is when we're alone and can read each other and open up and get along. So when it's just the two of us, I can forget about everything else and actually be at peace. I lose track of what's going on, what time it is, stop caring about what people tihnk or will think or will do. And I'm just there, in this totally different part of the world, where I can put my life on hold and relax before going back to the tension of "what the fuck is going on with everything?!"
I hate having to make decisions, not knowing what the other person involved wants. Rob and Amy both did that when we talked about breaking up. They made me say what I thought, and replied to that, but neither said what they wanted from me. And in the end, both of them told me, "It's up to you." Well, that's when I broke up with both of them. Not that I felt good about it, it just seemed like the best option. ::sigh::