Supernatural: You're Going to Have to Try Harder, Misery
I am going to do a Post on this episode of Supernatural, because I need the practice for the last episode of Lost. Shite Swan Song blew chunks and I am hoping that Lost measures up in the upchuck department. But I am perturbed about Supernatural; I like the show. As for Lost, I am hoping to rubberneck the disaster ending of a Disaster Show.
And here are Supernatural Chunks to get us all in the mood.
The Apocalypse
First of all, why even have an Apocalypse? All the logistics for the thing would try the Supply Department for Miscellaneous Wars at the Department of Defense. You've got the Armies of Heaven and the Armies of Hell and they don't even eat the same food (manna vs. demon blood) but evidently they do all wear the same black suits and white shirts.
And just one person (this could be Dean or this could be Sam---we only have Castiel's word for who started the thing and may I remind you that Castiel is an angel and therefore a Liar, sorry but this is so) starts the whole thing? This is like World War I when some terrorist assassinated some Arch Duke in Serbia. The terrorist got all the credit for beginning the war, but everyone was spoiling for a fight. The leaders turned the keys and started the ignition.
The Apocalypse is grand scale action and this show didn't have the budget for that. Hell, the Pentagon doesn't have the budget for half the wars that it is fighting.
Instead of the Apocalypse, why not have a restless Lucifer who is out to take a stroll and knows how to do that. Open the cage and find a meat suit and take a turn around the world causing a bit of mischief here and there while plotting some even bigger mischief for later on. Sam as Lucifer could get some sticks and start knocking them together and call out to Michael or God or Heaven or Dean or the World, "Angels, Angels, come out and play." Or he could go on TV and offer double down on deals for your soul late in night movie advertisements after Scary Movies or Gladiator Movies. Or he could really be ambitious and offer soul deals during Oprah and Rush Limbaugh. The Devil would make a killing.
Then God or Michael or some second rate angel such as Castiel could wander down and start plotting with Dean on how to get Lucifer off the air ways and back home in the First Circle of Hell. Dean could read The Devil and Daniel Webster for Inspiration---hey Daniel Webster took Ole Scratch to Court and won a Jury of Lucifer's Peers and fellow Hell Residers Verdict against Satan. And Ole Scratch went back to Hell in a Puff of Humiliation. And don't think that high jury damages weren't paid for that.
Sam as Lucifer could tear at his hair and his shirt and one of them could come off---the shirt, not the Hair! Oh yeah and Lucifer could come out too.
It would be sort of a prep for the possible Apocalypse---a War Game so to speak. And every one goes back to their Offices and analyzes the Data.
"Gotta have more explosions," says Heaven.
"Gotta have more demon troops," says Hell.
"Gotta have longer hair and more conditioner," says Sam.
Instead we get the Apocalypse or Bust Movement. And it was Bust, Baby, Bust!
Decide on Your Angel and Make the Commitment
I think that Hell made a good choice in Lucifer and the arch angel needed to stretch his legs and his appetite for mayhem. I had no problem with him. He took his chances and gave his casualties.
Why bring Michael into this at all?
Michael was the Lamest Lamed Arch Angel who ever Limped around the Earth. The Arch Angel was a major Wuss. This Arch Angel was the one who threw Lucifer into the pit?
This chick was supposed to hand to hand, sword to sword, angel a angelo fight Lucifer to the Death or the First Circle of Hell?
Those angels, who claimed that to be True, were snorting Faerie Dust and Lying their Usual Lies. Dean said it, Michael looks like Cate Blanchett's asthmatic little sister. And Michael acted like it.
Michael, the Baddest Angel on the Block? Yeah, as long as the block housed baby chickens and tiny kitties.
And Dean was Michael's Sword? Or his Vessel? What an Insult to Dean, who is a fighter and a warrior. Or was, he has moved on lately.
Either Michael is as scary if not more so than Lucifer, or don't bring him into the Lucifer Takes a Stroll Around the Block and Scares the Kitties.
There was a perfectly good warrior angel at hand, Castiel, who could throw a few blows and flames at Lucifer and distract every one long enough to lure Lucifer back into the comforts of his Hell Home. Why bring in an extraneous piece of fluff like Michael?
Sure Lucifer could bitch about God and Humans; he had cause. But Michael? Michael was his Sister/Girlie Arch Angel.
I don't see why people complain that there aren't enough women on this show, I point to Michael as a prime example. Useless and Unneeded, but that is the role of Women on this show.
You Gotta Keep the Devil Down in the Hole
I always thought that Castiel, like Ruby last season, had some sort of grift and con going on, I just wasn't sure what it was. Now I know. Castiel was INDEED THE REBEL ANGEL. Castiel rebelled against Heaven because he wanted to take over Heaven. It was a coup d'etat, no, a coup de toile! Castiel killed or jailed all the Arch Angels, evicted God, and then moved in to rule the Heavenly Throne!
What a Smooth Operator! The angel is a regular Richard the Third.
"Unicorns! Unicorns! A heavenly Kingdom for my Unicorn!" Or maybe that was Miss Michael.
Take Notes! Lucifer! This is how you do it!
Kill Gabriel---well, Lucifer did do this. Disappear God the Creator---Chuck did this. He just disappeared.
And then have Lucifer and Michael push each other down the Rabbit Hole into Hell.
Haha! Castiel had every body doing his Dirty Work!
Then declare yourself, the New God and start the Angel Purges. Castiel is going to have to get rid of all those Michael adherents and those Uriel Defectors.
Meanwhile, Sam and Lucifer and Michael are down in the Hole.
Lucifer: "Sorry about the accommodations. I wasn't expecting company."
Michael has found an aluminum bat and is taking batting practice with skulls and severed heads. Michael was the star hitter on the Angelettes Softball Team. So far, Michael is hitting into the seventh Circle of Hell. A swing in Hell is different from a swing in Heaven and Michael is making adjustments.
Michael: "Oh, It's fine. I wanted to see you again. Have you got any softball teams down here?'
Lucifer: "I'll try and round something up. But how are you going to play in here, the cage?"
Michael who is an enthusiast and an Olympic caliber player: "We'll make this home. I'll catch and bat from here. And I'll get a pinch runner. Believe me, this will do quite nicely. And it's quite hot in here. It will be a year round softball season. I'm excited for the upcoming season."
Lucifer: "I'll attend the games and be the home plate umpire. It will be all swings and hits for you. But in the meanwhile, I must revise the Apocalypse Hell Plans. Who knew that upstart, Castiel would lead the underground rebellion and crown himself King?"
Michael is thinking of an underground rebellion, herself. "How much further Down Under must I go to reach Australia?"
Lucifer: "Not too far, if you had the cage keys. Oz is just on the edge."
Michael: "I've got the keys. I've got a kid to pick up when I'm there. And a woman in Patagonia. Then a quick space trip to make."
Lucifer: "That kid in Australia, that's the Antichrist? That's a bit dangerous, he can kill the Heavenly Host."
Michael: "Neither of us is a Heavenly Host anymore, are we?"
Lucifer spreads his wings which hampers Michael's swing and smirks: "True Dat."
Michael: "You see, your problem was that you were too concerned with humans. Screw'em."
Lucifer: "I was screwing them and with them."
Michael: "No, let them screw themselves, who cares? I am thinking of Heaven. Let's screw them. We can storm it or destroy it. We'll decide later."
Lucifer: "Your problem was that you didn't listen to me to begin with. No, you were Daddy's Good Little Soldier. You should have joined my rebellion."
Michael: "Well, I just went AWOL. I'm in."
Yeah, that is what Hell needs. Two of the most powerful creatures in the Universe plotting Revenge on Heaven. Well, one of the most powerful creatures and a softball strategist plotting their comebacks. Watch out Castiel.
Michael: "I'm going to need Sam when I go down under and topside."
Lucifer: "He's in the back. Ask him. I'm sure that he'll cooperate."
Michael: "What is he doing back there?"
Lucifer: "Well, he was writing Essays. Now he's writing poetry."
Michael sighs and skirts her eyes back past the piles of papers that contain the many poems of her brother, Lucifer, some of which she has had to listen to before and after batting practice. She sees the enormous back of Sam as he huddles over some of Lucifer's Poetic Paper Attempts and writes his own poetry upon them.
Michael: "Time to take more than Poetic flight, Big Dumbo Sambo. I've got a Proposition for you."
The Light Switch
Sam comes back to Earth.
What is Sam?
- Meg the Crispy Fried Demon.
- Adam the Crispy Fried Winchester.
- Lucifer the Wanderer, undercover.
- Michael, no longer simple and a True Believer in God or Destiny. It's Payback Time!
- As himself Sam, all that lack of conditioner in Hell has made him a tad testy.
- As John Winchester---who the Hell is maligning his name? And making him look as bad as Michael. It's Payback Time!
They picked the wrong Winchester to Piss Off.
The Circle of Futility
The Circle, it goes round and round.
Season One opens with Sam and Dean apart (as are Lucifer and Michael). Sam and Dean join up to hunt Daddy and Evil Things (the first libel against John Winchester). Lucifer and Michael are apart.
Season Five ends with Sam and Dean separated by Fate (oh, yeah, we are calling it Free Will these days). Lucifer and Michael are having a Family Reunion and Softball Tournament in Hell. Sam is rooting for the Eighth Circle to win.
Free Will? Really? The Moving Finger of Chuck has Writ and is flashing us the Bird. Destiny Won.
Tonight: Smallville's Finale. Oh please, be kind.