There Will Be Blood
The Three Stooges decide to Kill Lucifer.
Meet Curly Dean, the Mo Rebel Angel Cass, and Larry Sam. I just love Sam's hair. How long do you think it takes for him to get it ready every morning? I'm going with half an hour when he remembers to heat up the curling iron before he showers.
The Wayward Winchester Boys and the Rebel Angel Cass figure out that they have to get a gun to Kill Lucifer. So a wiser head, Miss Beck♥e, figures out where the 1835 Colt That Kill Almost Anything But Not Five Things is, and the Boys Bumble their way to their Weapon of Mass Destruction. You'd think that Dean09 would remember how that went down in The Garden of Good and Evil with Dean14, but he doesn't. So let the Merry Making and the Merry Mayhem commence. What could it Hurt?
Mo The Rebel Angel Cass tracks down the Crossroads Demon Crowley at a crossroads. Somebody thought that up, but Miss Beck♥e is off with her lover, the reknown Cult Author, Chuck Shurley, at a Publishers' Clearing House Convention and Home Invasion, so I'm not really sure who figured that a Crossroads Demon would most likely be found at a crossroad. Oh well, chalk that up to happy Fate.
Here is the Crossroads Demon Crowley standing before the Gates of Hell with a greedy banker (probably from Goldman Sachs, but who knows?) promising him 10 years of unimaginable wealth before the Hell Hounds fetch him. Uh, Greedy Banker, just how sure are you of that deal that you made?
You step in Hell's Pot Hole on the way to the meeting with Crowley.
You obviously have been drinking to excess in your greedy banker's limo. Your judgement, which was never good---witness all the failing and closing banks in your junk funds wake, is even worse (I guess that that is possible).
And Lucifer is Out (and he didn't have to kiss Crowley to come out either) and stalking God's Creation.
Oh Greedy Banker! You have made another BAD, BAD Deal. Typical.
The Rebel Angel Cass figures out where the Crossroads Demon Crowley hangs out when he is not hanging out at a crossroad.
And the Winchester Boys set out to GET THAT GUN! Oh looky, Sam and Dean, the Impala just splashed in Hell's Pot Hole! What could that possibly mean? Sam pokes Curly Dean in the eyes and tells him to drive faster.
At Crowley's Fancy Retreat (perhaps, there should have been a lot more retreats in this episode), Crowley watches The Triumph of the Will and awaits the Winchester Boys. Because he wants to give them the GUN.
Have you ever watched The Triumph of the Will? I have and my butt went to sleep. And then my mind glazed over and I asked the guy next to me if he had any...never mind. That movie is proof positive that some Evil is just Banal. But Crowley is boozing and that does help you get through that movie.
Crowley gives Sam the Gun...
And some ammo for it.
Crowley tells Sam and Dean a story about why he is making them Ninja Assassins of Satan. His Story? After the Devil tears up and pillages God's Creation then the Devil will tear up his own creations (the demons) because you just can't give anything nice to Satan. Satan ruins Everything. Demons are just Cannon Fodder to Lucifer.
I suppose that Sam and Dean believe him. I don't. Not the thing about Satan ruining everything, that I believe. I don't believe Crowley's motivation. Crowley's got something going on the side (like Goering). Maybe Sam and Dean should have wondered about that.
Sam and Dean draw Ellen and Jo into their Merry Madness for the Mayhem and truck off to Carthage Missouri for the Big Bull Fight. Sam and Dean are the Bull. They think that they are the matador, but Lucifer is the guy in the tight pants and with the cape and holding all the swords and the Gun. They don't know it yet. God Curly! Dean! YOU should know it!
And may I point out? Carthage was not only the site of a bloody Civil War battle, The Battle of HellHole, ( remember?) but it was the site of the destruction and genocide of a people. The might of Rome crushed Carthage and devastated it and sowed salt into the ground so that no people or ghosts would ever rise from it again. I guess Dean's GED didn't cover that one.
Carthage Missouri:
Carthage Missouri is about to become decimated again. And the Cannon Fodder will be Demon and Human.
And the Stooges will be in the center of that Merry Mayhem.
The Demon Bitch Meg is there with the other Hell Hound Bitches who rose from Hell's Pot Hole. And they chase Dean down.
Look what is coming up behind you, Dean. Hell Hounds and Luc i fer.
The Hell Hounds get Dean, but Jo goes back for him.
Jo saves Dean. But she is got by the Hell Hounds in the process.
One down, Dean.
They all retreat to a hardware store so that Jo can bleed to Death in peace.
Remember when I said that Dean was having too much fun in the Apocalypse? Well, he is not anymore.
The Wayward Winchester Brothers and Ellen and Jo are pinned down in the hardware store while Cass the Rebel Angel is ring of holy fire'd down in some church by Lucifer. And Lucifer is tempting Cass the Rebel Angel to join the Winning side. Two disobedient Brothers fighting against the Man (or God) side by side. Just like the Winchester Brothers! Cass the Rebel Angel knows the Winchester Brothers. It is NOT that tempting an offer for him.
Sam and Dean build a bomb in the hardware store to send the Hell Hounds back Home, and Jo offers to stay behind and set it off. And Ellen can't let her daughter stay by herself. So Ellen stays behind too. Two down, Dean.
And Sam and Dean go to the Carthage battleground to Kill Lucifer.
But Lucifer is one of the Five Things in Creation that the Colt can't kill.
One Up, Dean.
And Sam and the Devil have a chat about Sam's Openess to Letting the Devil In. Sam declines, but the Devil can wait until Detroit, about six month from now. Sam will be more receptive then, or so the Devil thinks.
Sam and Dean: LISTEN TO ME! YOU DON'T KILL THE DEVIL!!! YOU BEAT THE DEVIL!!! (Where the Hell is Michael? Is he the only one who understands this?)
And everybody goes back to Bobby's place. And thinks about the Total Disaster that they made.
Dean. You should have been Better.
Everyone goes back to Bobby's place but Lucifer. He stays in Carthage with the Reapers to Greet Death.
HELLLLLLOOOOOO! DEATH! Too bad that Ellen and Jo missed out on that. Oh, maybe they didn't.
Five Things in God's Creation That the Colt Can't Kill:
- Lucifer
- God
- Death
- ?
- ?
- Have a coherent and well thought out plan. Then when it all goes to Hell, you will feel better about it.
- Go and kidnap Lady Luck from Lucifer's entourage and get her to join your side. She'll do it. She's a Fickle Bitch. And find some of her SoothSaying Girls to help you.
- Do some strategizing. Plan A is having Sam Say No to Satan. That needs to be Plan X or Y. Dean, you boys need some Plans A to W because the current Plan A is about to go belly up in Detroit in six months.
- Go and kidnap Athena, the Goddess of Wisdom, from the Alexandria Library. You need someone intelligent and knowledgeable. Bobby is wise, but he needs to have a think tank to bounce his ideas around. And a pretty and older lady wouldn't hurt anything now that Ellen has left us.
- Dean---Get a THOUGHT in your head. And put it ahead of SEX. I know, it's hard (and I am not talking about Sex, Jeez, Dean), but make the attempt every once in a while.
You were worthy of Ripley and Alvarez.
Who Cried During this Episode:
ME. I wept buckets. I wept enough to fill a whole new Pot Hole for Hell.
Excellent.