Myspace move 5
June 19, 2008 - Thursday
Recap
This started on November 6th of 2006 and I'll never forget it, it was 5 am and my dad came in and gave me the last real hug I'll ever get from him. No, he's not passed on…yet. He went in for a gastric bypass and for those of you who don't know what it is; it's when they make the stomach smaller by literally cutting it in two. It's a complicated and dangerous sugary. Most people come out of it alright and some end up dealing with problems afterwards, some miner and others not so miner.
For my dad, it was the worst possible out come, none of us could of ever seen this coming. The doctor turns out to be a real fucking idiot. He left two tears in my dad's stomach, bile, pus, and blood were spilling into his cut for over two months and the surgeon told him nothing was wrong and he'd be fine. He spent two months in and out of the ER suffering from dehydration and starvation. He wasn't absorbing anything and no one could figure out why…he was dying we just didn't know it at the time. During this time, my dad tried to resume life as normal, going back to work and so forth but it was just too hard on him.
On a Thursday he begged Dr. Alexander (the idiot) to put him back in the hospital and he said, "No, your fine, besides this is all your fault." Or something to that affect…which pissed me off, horridly. My dad is a hard working man who did EVERYTHING that man told him to do. That fucking idiot didn't even do any follow up on dad after the operation, he didn't check vitals, take blood, or anything like a real surgeon is suppose to. On Friday, he went to a hospital in Oklahoma City and on January 11th he was in sugary again…they pulled 3 gallons of bile, blood, and pus from him. He had all sorts of infections going on there; it was a miracle he survived those two months at all.
He spent a few months in the hospital, he came home for about two months and went back in because of Liver failure and spent more time in the hospital. He had another sugary to get liquid from him that was building up and putting pressure on his lungs and liver…I forget what they called it. Over all he spent about 176 days in ICU all together and has spent about 15 months out of 19 in the hospital.
One of the moments I thought I was going to lose him was last summer I think, my mother calls me at 9 am and tells me I need to get to the hospital. One of my Aunts (who is rather…crazy) comes to pick me up, she takes me to Marlow to pick up her daughter who was at work and didn't want to come in the first place was. We had to wait for her replacement to get there and take her home so she could change before went to the city…it was 3 pm before I get there. By that time it was all over and he was fine…the entire thing pissed me off, I would have been livid if something had happened while I was trying to get there…point in case, that aunt isn't allowed to take me anywhere…next time I'm driving.
And no, the ordeal isn't even anywhere near being over with, the breaking point with my mother was yesterday June 17th…He had a doctors appointment at 1 pm. I didn't get to bed until 5 am because I usually stay up that late…I woke up at 7 am to some noise…I walk out of my room and there are EMT's in my parents room and I've no idea what was going on. My mother is in her gown, by the door, a trash can at her feet while she's rocking back and forth looking like hell. I asked her if she was ok and she said, "No, I don't feel well." My dad is so weak, he can't even pick himself up anymore, it took probably 5 men to get him up into a chair and then back into bed. Meanwhile my mother stumbles into the living room and sits down and starts dry heaving kind of into the trash can and I ask her if she wants me to call anyone, she tells me to call my crazy aunt but…I was so overwhelmed with terror and confusion I couldn't find a phone. In that short period of time, she falls asleep…and I'm really confused as to what is wrong with her. I just always believed in a time of crisis' she'd be the one who was calm, not me. We go back to the bedroom where my dad is, she's sitting on the bed looking…fucked over in ways I can't even begin to describe. One of the Medics looks at her; he was going to have her sign something, turns to me and says, "You'll do." I sign it away, they leave, and mum is literally back asleep before her head hits the pillow. I ask dad if he needs anything, he says no and I go back to bed.
About 8 they move to the living room, mum is still stumbling and out of it but she manages to get him situated. I still have no idea what the hell is going on with any of them, I haven't had much sleep in months so and I'm barely awake but I help her and make her lay down again. I go back to bed, I wake up at 11 and their on the move. She's got him dressed, she's still dizzy and puking, I'm still…confused at what is wrong with her. She wonders off to get a van to take him in, I help him into the wheelchair and to outside, we're waiting for her…and the conversation between us goes as such.
"There's someone in my pickup." (He has a farming pickup that's in the field and facing the house)
"There's no one there dad, it's just the reflection of the seat."
"Oh."
I go in and get the trash cans mum has used during that morning to through them out.
"Daughter, there is someone in my pick up."
I of course didn't believe him, I thought he was just confused so I take the trash out and go and look, no one there.
"There's no one in there dad."
"Oh, Apparition."
Let me tell you what's wrong with that conversation, my dad doesn't believe in apparitions or a least he's never in his life really talked about ghost before.
Mother gets back and I ask her, "Are you alright to drive?" She answers no and asks if I'll drive them to the city, I get dressed and go out to try and help him into the van, we can't lift him. I'm not strong enough to do it by myself and mother is just too out of it and ill for whatever reason. He slides down onto the ground and mother calls the house…twice because she's just that gone, I just didn't know it at the time. She finally gets a hold of Gunter who was there just a few hours before hand, he's a first responder. While we wait for him to come, mother goes in the house to get things together, I go after her and get her to call my friend Kenneth who is in a wheel chair and has a handicap van for wheel chairs, and he agrees to take them to the city. Mother goes to the bedroom to get things together but all she really does is pass out on the bed, tells me to entertain dad…ok…I go out there and he wants me to try and get a tarp to put him on and drag him back into the house before it rains. I get the tarp just to keep his mind busy but honestly I couldn't move him, there was no way.
Gunter comes, gets him in the wheel chair and back into the house, we wait for Kenneth, my mother passes out on the couch. Kenneth gets there and I help them get into the van and help mother prepare and stuff. I don't go…mostly because I'm too sick with worry to deal with it anymore…I'm a coward I know. L But it's a good thing I stay, his TPN arrives, its tube feedings through the stomach and the hospital calls to see why he's not there and I tell them what's going on. I try to get sleep in between the call and the nurse arriving who had the TPN…I give up, I'm too sick with worry and confusion to sleep. I also can't stand the thought of being alone in the house any longer, so I could to a friend's who owns a book store and spend my afternoon passed out in the bookstore. (I got a first addition Lara K. Hamilton book out of it to go with the autograph that my friend also gave me.) I wake up again about 4 and try to call my mum, try to text her, I try to call my friend Kenneth and try to text him. I'm not getting answers and I'm starting to come unglued just a bit…
I text my sister who lives near the city, she's tried calling her twice and isn't getting an answer, she asks me what's going on and I tell her I have no idea because I really don't. She tells me to let her know if I don't hear from them by 8:30. Half of me is thinking that something must of happen while the other half reasons that if something were to happen someone would have been able to get in touch with me somehow.
I go home about 5 and by 6 my parents are back, mother is looking a great deal better…I ask her how's she's doing and everything. We return the can we didn't use after we get dad back into bed, we also get Subway and she shows me all the dents in the pickup…she wrecked it in the ditch we think, she has no idea because she doesn't remember the morning at all…period. She remembers maybe 10 minutes of the entire ordeal and I'm just floored.
She's diabetic and she believes a lot of it had to do with her blood sugar dropping, she doesn't think she ate the day before. I recount the morning to her and she's shocked by everything because she remembers practically nothing of it. We'll never have any idea of what she did to the pickup…maybe its best.
However, the doctor's visit was heartbreaking even though we've known for a few months that my dad's time was running out. There's nothing more than can do for him, so all we can do is wait for it to all come to the final day. All we can do now is enjoy the time we've got with him.
It takes all I am not to curse and wish ill upon this man who has literally stolen my dad's life from him…it takes everything I am to keep it together. Some days I'm ok and other days I'm falling apart and being self destructive, it's hard to keep it together. What happened to my mother that day, we'll never really know. Maybe it was stress, lack of sleep, low blood sugar or a system shut down, I don't know. But this is wearing us all thin to the breaking point, my dad has suffered more than any of us, but mum and I are in that boat with him, just not as sever.
So that's where I am right now…utterly floored and lost in this madness.
June 19, 2008 - Thursday
The Word of God
Current mood: happy
In the end, there's still the word, everywhere. In heaven with angels, the Earth and stars; even the darkest part of the human soul. It was there the word burned brightest, and for a moment... I was blinded.
Gabriel- The Prophecy: The Ascent
There will always be the word of God in the end, no matter what...and The Word doesn't come from a preacher, a church or even the bible, nor does it come from our society which is ever changing and always confused. It comes from deep within you, where you heart and your soul rests. God is always talking to us, giving us direction, hope, peace, and a shoulder to lean on when we need it.
Just because we don't always hear an answer doesn't mean God didn't give us one...most of the time I believe we ignore the answers he gives us because we don't like what we've heard. He'll always speak to us, he'll always listen; always love us even when we don't think he is. It's so hard sometimes to rely on God, a force we can't see but only feel...He'll always test that faith we have, but we have to remember in the end, he's always there to catch us. He doesn't ask us to succeed in everything, he only asks that we try...and that's all any of us can do, is try our best and that's all he wants.
I've never lost my faith in the Holy Spirit, never forsaken it but at times I've lost my way...like most of us do. But in the end, The Word is all we ever need. Before there was the moon, the stars, and the sun...there was His Word and it will always burn the brightest even in the darkest of moments. We just have to keep believing and keep holding on.
God has given my family so much in the last two years...he's given us the most valuable thing, time...I'll always be thankful for every moment my dad is with us...and I'll always be thankful that I've always had The Word of God, sometimes I'm not always listening...but God is always speaking. We just have to take the time to stop and to listen for that still and quiet voice, there is always so much peace in His Word, and His Word is always loving and never angry. He was always listening, he never left my side, and never did he forsake me. He always lead me back to the path, even when I strayed from it, my path…all of our paths are always lit by His Word, His Love, and his is always guiding us. All we have to do is accept his light and listen for that quiet whisper that leads us through the dark when all hope seems so dim and out of reach. But Hope is never far because God is always close, always by our side and holding us up when we have no strength of our own. So remember there is always a light, all we have to do is open our eyes and listen. Sometimes God only asks that we be silent and still, sometimes he'll ask things of us that we never thought we could do on our own…The Word is a powerful thing and we, all of us are massagers and each of us has a different message to send to the world. Hold fast to his word and you will never be alone, and never in the dark.
4:31 AM
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2 Kudos
June 18, 2008 - Wednesday
The Last Blog I swear!
for the night...erm maybe. But I thought I'd kind of write out some goals I have for when I get back from break.
1. No meat, I'm completely going Veggitiarn and not because its Peta Friendly even though I strongly support Peta...Its because I really...don't like meat at all. I just don't so I'm gonna stop buying it, even though I don't think I reall have. But No meat, I'll eat eggs and cheese but, I think I'll even throw Sea food out of it, I'm not going to eat meat ever again.
2. I'm going to go play in thhe pool and lose weight that way annnd every weekend I'm going to the lake to walk around, I might end up bringing my bike at some point so I can take it to the lake with me. But I think I'll built of strength first.
3. I'm going to do better in my school work, try to give a better quality and work harder. Which means more time at the school libriary and such. :x
4. Find a certain someone, some of you know who I'm talking about and thats all that needs to be said.
5. Practice my pagan/christianish beliefs...so far they've seemed to carry me through and nooooo that doesn't mean I'm going to change and forget Yaoi because thats very much apart of me and I do NOT believe God hates Gays or anyone for that matter, thats just stupid. I'm Bi and nothing can change that, thankfully being in GLASS (Gay Les Asso. Student Supportors) has taught me that.
and thats it so far.
3:24 AM
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4
June 18, 2008 - Wednesday
This was a fuck off weird day...Shit
Current mood: drained
Well my mum's fine now, thankfully....she's laying in the bed talking on the phone to her evil mother in law...evil lady. But it appears her blood sugar had bottemed out and she was went into auto pilot...she doesn't remember a thing from this morning, other than bits and piece. Her memory doesn't really start until she falls into Kennth's van. (Thank you so much Kenneth for taking my parents to the city, just...thank you so much, you'll never know how much it means to us)
So yea, my mum was out of it and blacked out through the entire ordeal, she even wrecked the pickup, I mean not bad but there's dents everywhere, its obvious she hit the ditch...>_> Fuck its just been a weird day and I'm ok now, their ok now or as okay as it'll get really.
The doc said there is nothing else he can do for dad...so thats that, I have my answer and now its just a matter of time...and me enjoying all the time I can. Right now he's asleep, its been a VERY tough day for us all, so...there's all that and more. *sighs* But at least its all over for now and we can just take a breath to regain ourselves...Thanks for any prayers, thoughts, anything, it means the world to us.
12:54 AM
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June 17, 2008 - Tuesday
Correction
Current mood: sick
worst morning of my life so far, dad sort of fell again, slid down the van, had to call for help again to get him in the wheel chair. Luckily my friend Kenneth is driving them to the city because he has a wheel chair van...and mother is still puking up her guts, seems a sleeping pill and maybe panic is the cause of it...I've had no sleep really so far...I'm not going with them because it might just make things worse =/ Fuck me, this is really some shit here...
Lots of prayers are needed right now...lots of them, Thanks everyone
5:37 PM
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June 17, 2008 - Tuesday
Oh...oh...wow...
Current mood: worried
well I didn't go to bed until 5...it is now 7 and I'll tell you why...apperently at 6 am dad slipped...not fell, slipped out of bed and mother goes insane...I've never seen like this before. I'm not saying she was hysterical because shen't...she was completely the opposite. She was falling asleep, she was puking, and normally I'd freaky out but no...I was very calm and tried to get her to focus on what she wanted me to do.
So far Dad SEEMS okay, well as okay as it gets for him...they are going to the doctors apt today as expected so we'll see whats going on. Mum laid on the bed and promtly passed out...I always thought SHE'D be the calm one but no, it was me...I never expected that...Thanks God one of us was. To say the least I'm VERY shaken...and I'm having a hard time typing this but I kind of felt the need to get it out of me before I puked too. ;_; Fuck, who would of thought this would EVER happen...its just too unreal...yea I'm scared for everyone. Mainly my mother...I think my Dad is where he needs to be mentally, I think. =/ but then again who knows, maybe none of us are where we need to be...shit I wish she had woken me up when this started! I could of at least of tried to make her stay calm. =/ enough for now, I'm going back to bed.
12:16 PM
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June 16, 2008 - Monday
The Last Summer
Me and mother had that talk again, but this time it was different because it was more real...Dad really isn't looking well, he's looking more tired than me and mother has ever seen before. We talked about where the Funeral was going to be and where the gravesite was going to be. Picking out songs and all of that, this wasn't a calm talk...I was nearly in tears and even now I'm more over, very sad because we both know that time is precious and God has given us so much time with him, its been a real blessing. But now, its running out and me and mother both fear that there is nothing more the doctors can do for him.
Tomorrow there is going to be a very serious talk between, both mum and the doctor...and then another talk with all three of them; the doctor, mum, and dad. I won't be there, mostly because this is between a husband and wife. I support my mum 100% in her choices in this. I'm very...sad and a little empty about all of it but its not because I'm worried about where Dad will go after this, its that I'm going to miss him so much...We may of never gotten along much, but he was always there for me...always. No matter what, and its just going to be hard after its over but somewhere inside of me knows it'll be better for all of us.
He's so tired, weak, and so miserable, thats no way to live for anyone...he's been so sick for the last two years and in so much pain. I've seen and heard him cry more times in the last two years then I have in my entire life really. I think he's cried more this year then he has in HIS entire life...its just not a life anyone should have to live. Half of him is holding on and half of him isn't...and I think the half that is holding on, is holding on for the wrong reasons. I know he wants to stay for us but if its hurting him...I don't want him to be in pain anymore. I'd rather him be here and happy then be here and suffering. No one will ever know just how hard this is for me, how much it hurts me to see my father like this and to see my mother so sad from it. Time was indeed stolen from us by Dr. Alexander, but God has also given us more time than we deserved. There have been several times where there was no way he should of lived...and I"m glad for that time, I certainly am.
Part of me wants him to have more time...and part of me wants the answer to it all before I leave for school, I need to be here for my mother...I have to be, thats something I want. Mother was afraid last night would be his last, thats just how bad...it was last night, and I expect tonight to be the very same...but at least this time I have some warning. =/ It's going to be a rough summer break, I can already tell. But...I'm always thankful for whatever time I have with him, Always greatful for it. =/ I hope that God grants me an answer soon so I know what to do with the time I've got with my dad.
Whatever it is most of you do...prey to God, Prey to some spirit, keep my family in your thoughts for whatever may happen. If anyone is in town, a call or anything would be great...or even if you aren't in town, call me anyway if you have my number.
Thanks alot, really
Lisa
6:00 PM
3 Comments
June 13, 2008 - Friday
Fuck Off Weirdness
Current mood: weird
What Lisa Means
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You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.
You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.
Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.
You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.
You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.
You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.
What's">http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyournameshiddenmeaningquiz/">What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?
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Random stuff of doom or whatever.
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It has been a fuck off weird couple of months, I mean...shit...bad things have been happening to everyone, heart attacks, ER visits...depressive spirals that suck the very life out of me. I haven't slept in months either, getting 4 hours here, 5 hours here and sometimes 12 or more on the weekends...
Yea I know this going to sound familair but I'm not suicidial I promise...but fuck I just get so damned tired (literally and otherwise) and I get sick of everything and I get sick of dealing with shit every damn day. I don't know really what I'm working toward anymore, I think my main goal is to get to Washington because I know I'll be happier there...weather and friends....mmm rain. But that goal is so far away...God what am I doing with my life? I feel so lost...and more over angry. I just feel pissed about everything, it just seems so motherfucking pointless at times and I just don't feel as happy as I should (There are people out there who make me happy and they know who they are).
Hell...if I knew any answers I'd be a hell of alot more happier...and Kitty is not feeling shiny. I feel pissed and a little pushed around, I was more than happy to flee to Oklahoma for a little get away. Don't know if it'll help but I'm glad to home and have more space and AC...>_>
But...fuck, I'm just not feeling like I should...I don't feel like me anymore, sometimes I don't think I even KNOW who I am anymore. Does anyone know me? I fucking don't. I just...wish there was someone out there that I could truly and completely contect to without them being in a relationship of some sort...I mean I"m a Polygimist or whatever the hell it is or spelled...It would be nice to find two people I could throw myself at and curl up and 'die' but I don't see that happening any time soon...I really don't see anything of that nature ever happening...I isolate myself without meaning to, I'm hard to understand, I'm complicated and I fucking don't care. FUCK!
People are always saying, "Let me in, please...I care." And I wish I knew HOW to let people in...the people who ARE close to me...just are. I don't know how I let them in, I'm just comfortable with them, and most I've known since or before I was 12 and there's only 3 of those people around anymore. >_> *slams head first into a fucking wall*
I"m so stressed...about everything and I'm wearing thin...kind of feels like there's no one there because they've got their own shit to deal with...its just been fuck off weird...so much bad happening to everyone the last couple of months. It's just been so damn odd...But fuck that doesn't help me any if there is any help to be had...I don't even know how to describe anything...just fucking weird...weird, weird shit. >_@ WEIRD!
Which...makes me sad inside and I"m...so tired and I can't sleep.
2:15 AM
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June 5, 2008 - Thursday
I remember when we used to drive anywhere but here...
Current mood: blank
Its times like this I feel so...empty and I don't know what to do, I feel like screaming and maybe crying...I haven't cried in so long. It feels like something is bottled in me...like a soda thats been shaken before you open it. I sort of just want to go...and...never mind I'm not even going to think like that, not when its too easy and I'm not stupid enough right now to go there. I just feel so...gone. I want...I don't know.
You know that feeling in the back
Of your throat when your about
To cry or vomit...
When enough hasn't been said...
I don't know what I wanted to say, what I want to do...everything hurts, everything aches and I don't know if I'll ever feel completely whole again. Somewhere along my life there was something taken from me, but I don't know what it was. But how can you miss something when you don't know what was stolen? I don't know, I just...wish someone would hold me and tell me to shut up because everythings going to be ok in the end. But it kind of feels like there's no one to really do that,I feel...so...distance from everything...I only feel something when I'm writing for a character...I guess I might go to bed, I don't know.
11:33 PM
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May 27, 2008 - Tuesday
10 things about me
1. Chances are if you can't keep my interest for more than a month, you never will. Deal with it and trust me I think it'll be obvious if I'm done with you, I don't see any need for words to be spoken when my actions are so much louder.
2. You know what, I am a bitch and its'll probably be that way, I don't have to explain myself to anyone.
3. Yea, I am selfish or so it appears, if I truly and really care about you, you'll know it and it will show.
4. I'm not easily swayed, don't bother with guilt tripping me because I don't give a fuck
5. My friends are my friends, they knew who they are and they knew how close they are to me. If you have to question what you mean to me, then thats your answer.
6. If you text me and you don't get an answer, obviously its a sign, take heed in it because I'm not going to make a big deal about it, you'll simply stop existing to me.
7. Your right, I'm not an easy person to get to know and if you can't handle it...oh well.
8. You either love me or you hate me, there is nothing in the middle, its one or the other. If your not sure where you stand...again look closely, you'll get it.
9. Truth is, I honestly don't care about what you think of me, get over it. Alot of me has to deal with what keeps me interest, I'm in it for me, I live my life in the way that amuses me, deal with it.
10. I'm a disturbing pervert and I'm a voyer, I'm not ashamed of what amuses me and what I deem worth me time...question is, do you really think your worth my time? If I don't seem interested...there it is.
10:00 PM
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May 21, 2008 - Wednesday
I’m so afraid of the shadows in my mind
Current mood: scared
It's 5 am and I can't sleep...I just woke up and its just like...ugh...I haven't been sleeping well at all lately...I might be sleeping too much...I just felt the overwhelming need to cry and to dl MCR and its what I'm doing if iTunes will ever come up...fucking a...but anyway I just feel...so scared, scared that I'm going to fail and everything else...there's so much pressure...I feel like I'm going to cave in. ;_; I'm scared I'll fail college and then I don't know what I'll do, I need to pass and I need to work harder but God I just freeze up and panic when I'm trying to do the work, I feel so behind and so lost...this college and this degree means the fucking world to me. I have to pass and sometimes I question if I"m smart enough to do it...I don't know, I feel like my old demons are coming back to eat me. =/ there's alot of my past thats gone...unresolved because alot of it I can't bare to face...or even begin to think about. Its really killing me and no this doesn't mean I want to kill myself because I don't, I could NEVER hurt my mum like that or my friends. I respect life and everyone thats dear to me more than that. Its just that I'm so stressed and wound so tight...fuck its just hard to function sometimes, I need to start seeing a shrink again, really...I do. But I'm just so...ugh...so...so tired and scared I don't even know where to begin...I just don't.. >_@
I've also come to the thought, I'm going to stay a virgin UNTIL I finish college, no way in hell I'm going to risk getting preg and getting kicked out of housing because I'd be really...fucked on so many levels...so...3rd base only. I just can't risk it, its not worth it. I've waited this long, I think I can wait a little longer...
It's 5 am and I'm fearing
The shadows in my mind
Sweetheart I think we're going down
This ship ain't going nowhere
We're stuck in the middle of an
Overbearing sea that keeps
Pushing me to the edge
All I see is red and
Hun its not that big of
A deal but somehow
It's starting to wear on my
Nerves, your looking
Kind of grim like
You know its the end
But its not over yet
If these waves keep
Knocking me over
Yea, I might lose my mind
But I'm taking you down
With me.
There's no escape from
These dreams that keep me
Awake at night but
Of course you never said
You'd hold me through this
Anyway, but thats
Just fine because
After all its just
Like we were never
Alive to begin with,
You keep waiting for me
To give an answer for
This madness but
Sweetheart...There are
None.
Anyway...anyone have anything to say that might help, please let me know...please.
4:58 AM
1 Comments
May 20, 2008 - Tuesday
A little bit of...of nothingness
Current mood: numb
Its been a rough couple of months, I have to say...mentally at least, maybe its because I haven't been taking my meds and I'm spinning into a rather deep depressive state. I can't really say, I just know its getting hard to get out of bed these days and I really don't want to anything but eat x_x which will make me faat and I don't want to go there again...yes again, back in the day I was a rather...filled out girl. *sigh* Whats any of this mean? Hell if I know, because I DON'T KNOW! I JUST DON'T! AH!! But...I sort of started taking my meds again, I'm trying to start taking them again...before self loathing because a bitter trend. =/ I feel really emo lately and that pisses me off because I HATE emo kids...fuck.
But maybe it'll pan out in the end...*shrugs* I just don't know, I think maybe alot of it will be better when I get to move to washington :x but until then, I'm trying to cope and luckily I've got some ppls here to help me deal. =/ but even so...sometimes I just feel completely isolated and...I don't know, just empty inside...when I see something that suppose to upset me...I don't get upset because I'm suppose to, I get upset because I don't feel anything or I don't feel enough...or maybe I feel too much and it doesn't seem like anything anymore...empty space and an endless void that I don't know how to fix...
Sometimes...sometimes I don't feel pretty...well ok most of the time I don't and I don't mean to say I feel ugly because I don't...I feel plain and uninteresting,..I don't mean to...complain? Or whatever I just feel so...empty lately...and the stress of failing is eating me alive...I work so hard and it never seems to be enough...and maybe I don't do enough, maybe I never will...just average and I'll never be anything else but average.
I know its weird...but I just feel like this emptyness...this thing I can't figure out is in the pit of my stomach...a gaping and bleeding hole of nothingness...I don't know how to explain it...I'm just so tired lately, so tired. And I know...I know people are like, "get help." I've always been afraid of the drawbacks of getting such help...asking for anything because of the stigma of what comes with it, I don't know...I've just always been afraid to ask for *serious* help because as far as I can remember I always knew there was something wrong with me, something off...something bad I guess. I never shared any of my true thoughts with anyone, not even my shrink. He helped me alot with some stuff but I never truly opened up to anyone...well there's two or 3 people and you know who you are...ugh...I don't know, I think most of me just doesn't give a fuck anymore...I don't know, I'm so lost and confused...
I'm losing grip with what I truly beleive anymore...and yes I believe in something, I can not accept that fact that there isn't something out there, God, The Great Spirit, whatever you want to call it...but I can not accept that there isn't something out there...but right now its just...I don't know where to go or what to do anymore...I'm just...so empty right now.
Currently listening:
One X
By Three Days Grace
Release date: 2006-06-13
1:25 AM
2 Comments
April 23, 2008 - Wednesday
Fear of knowing
Current mood: sad
Sometimes I'm afraid to read what it you have to say
Because I know that at times life is rough for you
And I'm not close enough to help any
But if I act like nothing is wrong, it only makes it worse
As always though, you know I'll always care
Just say the words and I'll be there to listen
Even if I don't have the right words to make the pain
Go away, the very least I'll be there for you
World's away means little when I'm a call away
You know your a piece of me, if a little of you dies
Then a little of me dies too, I'm sure you know
That your a sister to me and I love you as dearly
As I can. Keep in mind I'm here though
Never forget that you mean the world to me,
Your tears are mine as well, I'll always be around
A phone call, a text, an im away...
I never want you to believe that I'm out of reach, out of touch
Because I'm not, always believe that...Always know I've never
Left your side.
12:42 AM
April 3, 2008 - Thursday
Watch it fly
Current mood: annoyed
well ok, here we go, my life at the moment is ok really other than I lost my wallet at school, pretty sure I had it when I left yesterday morning for class. But now its gone, so I’m sure its somewhere in the school...if someone hadn’t stolen it and used it for drug money, there was $44 in there...but my life was in there, I can’t buy gas, food, or anything else like that. Adriana had to by me a drink and Forest bought me lunch, Thank God for friends like them. But I felt a bit bad for making Forest buy me food I could of waited but I was hungry *emos* But anyway...I hope I find it, they can have the money just give me my wallet back, I don’t care...I just want my credit card and my drivers Lis back and my SS >_> Frick. It makes me sad...so hopefully I’ll get that back.
On another note, I’ll be posting a detailed blog of my life...most of you have read it before...well before my other myspace was delated for NOT APPERENT REASON! I didn’t even get a freaking email to warn me, I wouldn’t be so irritated about if I KNEW the reason to WHY they deleted it...or maybe it was hacked and deleted, NO IDEA! But I’d like to know and maybe someday I will. But yea...thats that for now.
I LOVE YOUS: Meg, Adraina, and some others!
5:00 PM
March 28, 2008 - Friday
The Truth Of It All
Current mood: sad
Well me and mum had that conversation...the coversation that no one wants to have but you know that sooner or later its goign to come up...whats going to happen when a parent dies. In my case, when my father dies. It’s not something you want to talk about, not something you want to think about. I’m no different, I don’t want to think about either of my parent’s dying but for my dad, the reality of it is far too close and much too real for me to ignore it. Of course me and mum have had this conversation three times over the last 2 years...and the recent one was a bit more grim than the other two.
More or less, its obvious that dad is never going to be ok, he’s not going to ever be fully himself...or even himself at all after this. His health will always be fragil and so will he be, mentally and everything else. He’s not going to fully heal unless God grants us a mirrical, things will never be as they were and he’ll never be as he was. My father will not be able to go back to work, nor will he be able to go back to doing most of the things he loves which is working with his hands. He’s never going to have any of those things again. The question came up...when is she going to let go of him and let him lay in peace...its not fair that she’s been given this burden...but litterally she is the deciding factor of when, where, and how he dies...and I sort of felt like the orical from the matrix when I said, "In one hand, you’ll have more time with him but in the other hand he’ll be forever suffering." Which is sadly true enough...he may not be in physical pain but he’ll always be suffering mentally and emotionally. Its not fair that that she has to be given that kind of burden...no one should ever be forced to make that choice but it happens and here she is...She’ll never be the same either...none of us will me. It’s made me stronger and more independent which I suppose I needed...but for her, I don’t know what its done for her...other than cause her heartache. However...its been voiced that she is the one who will decide when its his time.
She told me that nurses have asked her several times, "When are you going to let him go? He’s never going to get any better..." And they are right, it won’t get any better...he may stable out for a few weeks, maybe even a month but his body is starting to wear thin, I know I’ve said that several times before but its really starting to show. The ups and the downs, his body is getting tired and sooner or later it will fail. I told my mum that I wanted to be there if I was able to be where ever they were at the time.
Of course we talked about if he did stable out and kept on an even kiel. The problem with that is, he’s never going to be able to fuction normally, he’s been traumatized severally, his mental state will never be level again...ever. He’s damaged mentally, emotionally, physically, and spirtually. Thats just the facts of it, he’s going to be fighting mild to sever depression for the rest of his life...which may bring him to suicidal tendencies. And being the Christians they are, does she really want to have the church scorning him after all the help they provided for doing something that they believe sends you to hell? I don’t know, not saying it would drive him to that but the odds are against him. I think it would be better to have him pass in a hospital than at home...it would be easier on my mother and it would be better for him...but then again I don’t know I just don’t want him trying to off himself. Not that I can blame him really, but I just don’t want that to happen.
I told her after all this, I didn’t mean to sound harsh and I didn’t want to sound cold or anything like that but this was the facts that we had to face she did agree and told me she didn’t think that of me...because these were things that we had to deal with and think about. She said she was glad I was preparing myself for what was to come...he may not die this year but I think he’ll pass in less than 5...but maybe I’m wrong. One part of me hopes that it will be soon...so his pain, his nightmares and his sadness will come to an end...the other part hopes that he keeps living because I still want time with him and I want him to see me graduate and see me succeed and all that. I"m torn on what I want for him, I want him to be happy is all but happyness for him might be in the after life. =/
The only thing that bothers me about this is that on his side of the family none of the males have lived passed 60 and he’s like 55 or something...which made this odd and a bit sad.
With all this said, it appears I’ve prepared myself for it...doesn’t it? But truth be told, you can never be prepared enough, there isn’t enough time, there isn’t enough of everything to be prepared for the passing of someone you love so dearly and so much. It’s not something you can do, you can do it to a certain degree but its never enough, I’ll never be able to get through this completely. A part of me will always be grieving deeply and be enraged that time was stolen from my father because of some retarted doctor...I hope he gets offed of something. It’s not fair that all my dad wanted to do was live longer and be healthy for his daughter and for his grandchildren...but instead he’s been cheated his time. Life isn’t fair, I know this...I think we’re all well aware life fucks us all but still...knowing this doesn’t make the pain any less and it doesn’t make the situation any better...it just hurts me so much to be so helpless, there’s nothing I can do for my mum or my dad. I’m doing all I can and its not enough, it’ll never be enough...I hope that in the end I’ll be able to put some rational to this...make some sort of sense out of it. But chances are...I wont’ be that lucky.
11:40 PM
3 Comments
March 23, 2008 - Sunday
A sense of loss
Current mood: drained
I can’t help but...stand in awe of what I’ve just heard...what was just spoken, somewhere deep inside I’ve been...damaged, I’m on the edge of tears here. My mother just told me, she didn’t understand coming out or why anyone would...that it wasn’t anyone’s concern of who was gay and who wasn’t...I"m appalled at her lack of understanding...I just thought she would understand I tried to explain to her that we shouldn’t have to hide who we are, like the het’s flaunting their straightness...we should be able to flaunt our gayness without fear of being beaten in the streets...gunned down in our own homes...without fear of just being ourselves...without wondering if we’ll have a job the next day...its not cool...she pretty much told me I should of not said anything to her. It gives me...more of a reason to become more silent toward her with things that are on my mind. I will not tell her more...I will keep it completely cencored...I’m just so hurt by this, I don’t know this family anymore and I don’t believe I want to get to know them, I need to get on my feet ASAP so I don’t have to ask for money anymore...everytime I come here I end up regretting it just a bit. I’m glad to see them at first but its only a day or two before I start wishing for Dallas. >_< I don’t belong here anymore, I simply don’t...I can’t take being around here anymore, this isn’t my home anymore and I don’t know anyone here anymore. I’m better off in Dallas, God give me strength to do...what I have to do.
Thats all for now, I just had to get that off my chest...=/ Comments are advice are welcomed, thanks.
im just fucked
cell phone blog: i hate the smell of hospitals, dispire, choked down vomit, tears, and frustration are all you can see...all you can feel. Dealing with nurses who have a bad attitude, who dont care enough about the task at hand. To them patients are not people, they are jobs...I hate the smell of hospitals, death and loss are all you find here.
7:22 PM
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March 5, 2008 - Wednesday
The Nightmare Beholding.
Current mood: tired
The Razors Edge
I'm standing still but the world is spinning beneath me,
I'm lost in my own silent screaming.
I'm sinking in the disease that some share but is still my own.
The razor's edge is my only medication but offers me merely delutions of peace.
Peace of mind shatters and rises under the blade the razor's edge.
This disease holds me prisoner from deep within.
The edge forces my flesh to part and bleed out my regrets, my everything.
I'm already dead; hold a gun to my head and a razor to my wrist.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Disease
Day by day everything changes, there's no way to keep a foundation of stregnth.
I fear there's non left in me, this disease strikes so suddendly, that I'm never prepared enough.
I folder, I crack, and I break into pieces.
My thoughts you see are never whole, never fully mine, part of them belong to the demon.
Shattered, broken, and fake are the thoughts that ruin me.
Never quite remembering if those thoughts truly belong to me.
Bend and frustrated; scattered are these thoughts that I forgot were mine.
Tossed into a high wind of tattered glass, sharp are the edges that strike me.
This disease holds a knife to my throat, waiting for a chance to release the pain in me.
It shakes the very soul with in, causes my touch to faulter and whatever smile I had to fade.
I'm trapped in a world that I can't comprehend, no hand is reaching out for me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Emotional
E stands for the Emotion you don't get
M stands for those who Mimic what pain is
O starts for the Obvious fraud
T stands for the Tale's you start
I stands for Instantly caught in a lie
O stands for being Open which you don't get
N stands for Not understanding what hurting means
A stands the people who Actually fell for the lie you told
L stands for the Loser who believed you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Black Blade
There's a blade that hides the corner
Black as the shadows that conceal it
No one can really say what its used for
Because no one notices that its there
A razor's edge that cuts so easily through flesh as if it were only air
An edge that has been stained red but no one can only guess as to why
But still this black blade doesn't seem to have any use
The darkness seems to hide what its purpose is or perhaps its the ignorance of its use that hides it so well
~~~~~
They Don't See
The scars on her skin, etched in so deeply by the razor's edge,
the blood that pours from her skin, crimson regret.
Fresh cuts, old cuts; scars that were made to last.
People see them everyday, a new hurt and a past broken that
no wishes to see.
People see the pain, the wrecked and the ruined
but no one ever wants to deal with them.
Everyone is too busy with their own pain, their own problems
to observe the broken and the used.
Freshly pained lips and bleeding smiles,
they pretend to care, to laugh, and to love...
Empty moments and a cold embrace
No one wants to truly see whats become of us.
Crimson stained skin, a whore in the corner
cries out for her dad, a man who was never there
but still somewhere deep inside her.
Over there a kid pulls a gun just for fun and kills the
teacher because his parents never thought to tell him
that there were limits of reality and nightmares.
A husband cheats on his wife, a woman he never completely
connected to because of a florishing secret of a love
affair with another man. His parents were
never tollerant of anything but a faith that blinded them.
A daughter breaks her skin because
she never understood how to deal with the
emotion that bled through her veins.
A condition of the mind that isn't easily contained by
the medications they gave her and words that
seemed as fake as the reality that they tried to save her.
People see what they only want to see, dreams of
black and white...never really wanting to
deal with the fact that no one
is okay.
1:43 PM
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Recap
This started on November 6th of 2006 and I'll never forget it, it was 5 am and my dad came in and gave me the last real hug I'll ever get from him. No, he's not passed on…yet. He went in for a gastric bypass and for those of you who don't know what it is; it's when they make the stomach smaller by literally cutting it in two. It's a complicated and dangerous sugary. Most people come out of it alright and some end up dealing with problems afterwards, some miner and others not so miner.
For my dad, it was the worst possible out come, none of us could of ever seen this coming. The doctor turns out to be a real fucking idiot. He left two tears in my dad's stomach, bile, pus, and blood were spilling into his cut for over two months and the surgeon told him nothing was wrong and he'd be fine. He spent two months in and out of the ER suffering from dehydration and starvation. He wasn't absorbing anything and no one could figure out why…he was dying we just didn't know it at the time. During this time, my dad tried to resume life as normal, going back to work and so forth but it was just too hard on him.
On a Thursday he begged Dr. Alexander (the idiot) to put him back in the hospital and he said, "No, your fine, besides this is all your fault." Or something to that affect…which pissed me off, horridly. My dad is a hard working man who did EVERYTHING that man told him to do. That fucking idiot didn't even do any follow up on dad after the operation, he didn't check vitals, take blood, or anything like a real surgeon is suppose to. On Friday, he went to a hospital in Oklahoma City and on January 11th he was in sugary again…they pulled 3 gallons of bile, blood, and pus from him. He had all sorts of infections going on there; it was a miracle he survived those two months at all.
He spent a few months in the hospital, he came home for about two months and went back in because of Liver failure and spent more time in the hospital. He had another sugary to get liquid from him that was building up and putting pressure on his lungs and liver…I forget what they called it. Over all he spent about 176 days in ICU all together and has spent about 15 months out of 19 in the hospital.
One of the moments I thought I was going to lose him was last summer I think, my mother calls me at 9 am and tells me I need to get to the hospital. One of my Aunts (who is rather…crazy) comes to pick me up, she takes me to Marlow to pick up her daughter who was at work and didn't want to come in the first place was. We had to wait for her replacement to get there and take her home so she could change before went to the city…it was 3 pm before I get there. By that time it was all over and he was fine…the entire thing pissed me off, I would have been livid if something had happened while I was trying to get there…point in case, that aunt isn't allowed to take me anywhere…next time I'm driving.
And no, the ordeal isn't even anywhere near being over with, the breaking point with my mother was yesterday June 17th…He had a doctors appointment at 1 pm. I didn't get to bed until 5 am because I usually stay up that late…I woke up at 7 am to some noise…I walk out of my room and there are EMT's in my parents room and I've no idea what was going on. My mother is in her gown, by the door, a trash can at her feet while she's rocking back and forth looking like hell. I asked her if she was ok and she said, "No, I don't feel well." My dad is so weak, he can't even pick himself up anymore, it took probably 5 men to get him up into a chair and then back into bed. Meanwhile my mother stumbles into the living room and sits down and starts dry heaving kind of into the trash can and I ask her if she wants me to call anyone, she tells me to call my crazy aunt but…I was so overwhelmed with terror and confusion I couldn't find a phone. In that short period of time, she falls asleep…and I'm really confused as to what is wrong with her. I just always believed in a time of crisis' she'd be the one who was calm, not me. We go back to the bedroom where my dad is, she's sitting on the bed looking…fucked over in ways I can't even begin to describe. One of the Medics looks at her; he was going to have her sign something, turns to me and says, "You'll do." I sign it away, they leave, and mum is literally back asleep before her head hits the pillow. I ask dad if he needs anything, he says no and I go back to bed.
About 8 they move to the living room, mum is still stumbling and out of it but she manages to get him situated. I still have no idea what the hell is going on with any of them, I haven't had much sleep in months so and I'm barely awake but I help her and make her lay down again. I go back to bed, I wake up at 11 and their on the move. She's got him dressed, she's still dizzy and puking, I'm still…confused at what is wrong with her. She wonders off to get a van to take him in, I help him into the wheelchair and to outside, we're waiting for her…and the conversation between us goes as such.
"There's someone in my pickup." (He has a farming pickup that's in the field and facing the house)
"There's no one there dad, it's just the reflection of the seat."
"Oh."
I go in and get the trash cans mum has used during that morning to through them out.
"Daughter, there is someone in my pick up."
I of course didn't believe him, I thought he was just confused so I take the trash out and go and look, no one there.
"There's no one in there dad."
"Oh, Apparition."
Let me tell you what's wrong with that conversation, my dad doesn't believe in apparitions or a least he's never in his life really talked about ghost before.
Mother gets back and I ask her, "Are you alright to drive?" She answers no and asks if I'll drive them to the city, I get dressed and go out to try and help him into the van, we can't lift him. I'm not strong enough to do it by myself and mother is just too out of it and ill for whatever reason. He slides down onto the ground and mother calls the house…twice because she's just that gone, I just didn't know it at the time. She finally gets a hold of Gunter who was there just a few hours before hand, he's a first responder. While we wait for him to come, mother goes in the house to get things together, I go after her and get her to call my friend Kenneth who is in a wheel chair and has a handicap van for wheel chairs, and he agrees to take them to the city. Mother goes to the bedroom to get things together but all she really does is pass out on the bed, tells me to entertain dad…ok…I go out there and he wants me to try and get a tarp to put him on and drag him back into the house before it rains. I get the tarp just to keep his mind busy but honestly I couldn't move him, there was no way.
Gunter comes, gets him in the wheel chair and back into the house, we wait for Kenneth, my mother passes out on the couch. Kenneth gets there and I help them get into the van and help mother prepare and stuff. I don't go…mostly because I'm too sick with worry to deal with it anymore…I'm a coward I know. L But it's a good thing I stay, his TPN arrives, its tube feedings through the stomach and the hospital calls to see why he's not there and I tell them what's going on. I try to get sleep in between the call and the nurse arriving who had the TPN…I give up, I'm too sick with worry and confusion to sleep. I also can't stand the thought of being alone in the house any longer, so I could to a friend's who owns a book store and spend my afternoon passed out in the bookstore. (I got a first addition Lara K. Hamilton book out of it to go with the autograph that my friend also gave me.) I wake up again about 4 and try to call my mum, try to text her, I try to call my friend Kenneth and try to text him. I'm not getting answers and I'm starting to come unglued just a bit…
I text my sister who lives near the city, she's tried calling her twice and isn't getting an answer, she asks me what's going on and I tell her I have no idea because I really don't. She tells me to let her know if I don't hear from them by 8:30. Half of me is thinking that something must of happen while the other half reasons that if something were to happen someone would have been able to get in touch with me somehow.
I go home about 5 and by 6 my parents are back, mother is looking a great deal better…I ask her how's she's doing and everything. We return the can we didn't use after we get dad back into bed, we also get Subway and she shows me all the dents in the pickup…she wrecked it in the ditch we think, she has no idea because she doesn't remember the morning at all…period. She remembers maybe 10 minutes of the entire ordeal and I'm just floored.
She's diabetic and she believes a lot of it had to do with her blood sugar dropping, she doesn't think she ate the day before. I recount the morning to her and she's shocked by everything because she remembers practically nothing of it. We'll never have any idea of what she did to the pickup…maybe its best.
However, the doctor's visit was heartbreaking even though we've known for a few months that my dad's time was running out. There's nothing more than can do for him, so all we can do is wait for it to all come to the final day. All we can do now is enjoy the time we've got with him.
It takes all I am not to curse and wish ill upon this man who has literally stolen my dad's life from him…it takes everything I am to keep it together. Some days I'm ok and other days I'm falling apart and being self destructive, it's hard to keep it together. What happened to my mother that day, we'll never really know. Maybe it was stress, lack of sleep, low blood sugar or a system shut down, I don't know. But this is wearing us all thin to the breaking point, my dad has suffered more than any of us, but mum and I are in that boat with him, just not as sever.
So that's where I am right now…utterly floored and lost in this madness.
June 19, 2008 - Thursday
The Word of God
Current mood: happy
In the end, there's still the word, everywhere. In heaven with angels, the Earth and stars; even the darkest part of the human soul. It was there the word burned brightest, and for a moment... I was blinded.
Gabriel- The Prophecy: The Ascent
There will always be the word of God in the end, no matter what...and The Word doesn't come from a preacher, a church or even the bible, nor does it come from our society which is ever changing and always confused. It comes from deep within you, where you heart and your soul rests. God is always talking to us, giving us direction, hope, peace, and a shoulder to lean on when we need it.
Just because we don't always hear an answer doesn't mean God didn't give us one...most of the time I believe we ignore the answers he gives us because we don't like what we've heard. He'll always speak to us, he'll always listen; always love us even when we don't think he is. It's so hard sometimes to rely on God, a force we can't see but only feel...He'll always test that faith we have, but we have to remember in the end, he's always there to catch us. He doesn't ask us to succeed in everything, he only asks that we try...and that's all any of us can do, is try our best and that's all he wants.
I've never lost my faith in the Holy Spirit, never forsaken it but at times I've lost my way...like most of us do. But in the end, The Word is all we ever need. Before there was the moon, the stars, and the sun...there was His Word and it will always burn the brightest even in the darkest of moments. We just have to keep believing and keep holding on.
God has given my family so much in the last two years...he's given us the most valuable thing, time...I'll always be thankful for every moment my dad is with us...and I'll always be thankful that I've always had The Word of God, sometimes I'm not always listening...but God is always speaking. We just have to take the time to stop and to listen for that still and quiet voice, there is always so much peace in His Word, and His Word is always loving and never angry. He was always listening, he never left my side, and never did he forsake me. He always lead me back to the path, even when I strayed from it, my path…all of our paths are always lit by His Word, His Love, and his is always guiding us. All we have to do is accept his light and listen for that quiet whisper that leads us through the dark when all hope seems so dim and out of reach. But Hope is never far because God is always close, always by our side and holding us up when we have no strength of our own. So remember there is always a light, all we have to do is open our eyes and listen. Sometimes God only asks that we be silent and still, sometimes he'll ask things of us that we never thought we could do on our own…The Word is a powerful thing and we, all of us are massagers and each of us has a different message to send to the world. Hold fast to his word and you will never be alone, and never in the dark.
4:31 AM
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2 Kudos
June 18, 2008 - Wednesday
The Last Blog I swear!
for the night...erm maybe. But I thought I'd kind of write out some goals I have for when I get back from break.
1. No meat, I'm completely going Veggitiarn and not because its Peta Friendly even though I strongly support Peta...Its because I really...don't like meat at all. I just don't so I'm gonna stop buying it, even though I don't think I reall have. But No meat, I'll eat eggs and cheese but, I think I'll even throw Sea food out of it, I'm not going to eat meat ever again.
2. I'm going to go play in thhe pool and lose weight that way annnd every weekend I'm going to the lake to walk around, I might end up bringing my bike at some point so I can take it to the lake with me. But I think I'll built of strength first.
3. I'm going to do better in my school work, try to give a better quality and work harder. Which means more time at the school libriary and such. :x
4. Find a certain someone, some of you know who I'm talking about and thats all that needs to be said.
5. Practice my pagan/christianish beliefs...so far they've seemed to carry me through and nooooo that doesn't mean I'm going to change and forget Yaoi because thats very much apart of me and I do NOT believe God hates Gays or anyone for that matter, thats just stupid. I'm Bi and nothing can change that, thankfully being in GLASS (Gay Les Asso. Student Supportors) has taught me that.
and thats it so far.
3:24 AM
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4
June 18, 2008 - Wednesday
This was a fuck off weird day...Shit
Current mood: drained
Well my mum's fine now, thankfully....she's laying in the bed talking on the phone to her evil mother in law...evil lady. But it appears her blood sugar had bottemed out and she was went into auto pilot...she doesn't remember a thing from this morning, other than bits and piece. Her memory doesn't really start until she falls into Kennth's van. (Thank you so much Kenneth for taking my parents to the city, just...thank you so much, you'll never know how much it means to us)
So yea, my mum was out of it and blacked out through the entire ordeal, she even wrecked the pickup, I mean not bad but there's dents everywhere, its obvious she hit the ditch...>_> Fuck its just been a weird day and I'm ok now, their ok now or as okay as it'll get really.
The doc said there is nothing else he can do for dad...so thats that, I have my answer and now its just a matter of time...and me enjoying all the time I can. Right now he's asleep, its been a VERY tough day for us all, so...there's all that and more. *sighs* But at least its all over for now and we can just take a breath to regain ourselves...Thanks for any prayers, thoughts, anything, it means the world to us.
12:54 AM
0 Comments
June 17, 2008 - Tuesday
Correction
Current mood: sick
worst morning of my life so far, dad sort of fell again, slid down the van, had to call for help again to get him in the wheel chair. Luckily my friend Kenneth is driving them to the city because he has a wheel chair van...and mother is still puking up her guts, seems a sleeping pill and maybe panic is the cause of it...I've had no sleep really so far...I'm not going with them because it might just make things worse =/ Fuck me, this is really some shit here...
Lots of prayers are needed right now...lots of them, Thanks everyone
5:37 PM
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June 17, 2008 - Tuesday
Oh...oh...wow...
Current mood: worried
well I didn't go to bed until 5...it is now 7 and I'll tell you why...apperently at 6 am dad slipped...not fell, slipped out of bed and mother goes insane...I've never seen like this before. I'm not saying she was hysterical because shen't...she was completely the opposite. She was falling asleep, she was puking, and normally I'd freaky out but no...I was very calm and tried to get her to focus on what she wanted me to do.
So far Dad SEEMS okay, well as okay as it gets for him...they are going to the doctors apt today as expected so we'll see whats going on. Mum laid on the bed and promtly passed out...I always thought SHE'D be the calm one but no, it was me...I never expected that...Thanks God one of us was. To say the least I'm VERY shaken...and I'm having a hard time typing this but I kind of felt the need to get it out of me before I puked too. ;_; Fuck, who would of thought this would EVER happen...its just too unreal...yea I'm scared for everyone. Mainly my mother...I think my Dad is where he needs to be mentally, I think. =/ but then again who knows, maybe none of us are where we need to be...shit I wish she had woken me up when this started! I could of at least of tried to make her stay calm. =/ enough for now, I'm going back to bed.
12:16 PM
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June 16, 2008 - Monday
The Last Summer
Me and mother had that talk again, but this time it was different because it was more real...Dad really isn't looking well, he's looking more tired than me and mother has ever seen before. We talked about where the Funeral was going to be and where the gravesite was going to be. Picking out songs and all of that, this wasn't a calm talk...I was nearly in tears and even now I'm more over, very sad because we both know that time is precious and God has given us so much time with him, its been a real blessing. But now, its running out and me and mother both fear that there is nothing more the doctors can do for him.
Tomorrow there is going to be a very serious talk between, both mum and the doctor...and then another talk with all three of them; the doctor, mum, and dad. I won't be there, mostly because this is between a husband and wife. I support my mum 100% in her choices in this. I'm very...sad and a little empty about all of it but its not because I'm worried about where Dad will go after this, its that I'm going to miss him so much...We may of never gotten along much, but he was always there for me...always. No matter what, and its just going to be hard after its over but somewhere inside of me knows it'll be better for all of us.
He's so tired, weak, and so miserable, thats no way to live for anyone...he's been so sick for the last two years and in so much pain. I've seen and heard him cry more times in the last two years then I have in my entire life really. I think he's cried more this year then he has in HIS entire life...its just not a life anyone should have to live. Half of him is holding on and half of him isn't...and I think the half that is holding on, is holding on for the wrong reasons. I know he wants to stay for us but if its hurting him...I don't want him to be in pain anymore. I'd rather him be here and happy then be here and suffering. No one will ever know just how hard this is for me, how much it hurts me to see my father like this and to see my mother so sad from it. Time was indeed stolen from us by Dr. Alexander, but God has also given us more time than we deserved. There have been several times where there was no way he should of lived...and I"m glad for that time, I certainly am.
Part of me wants him to have more time...and part of me wants the answer to it all before I leave for school, I need to be here for my mother...I have to be, thats something I want. Mother was afraid last night would be his last, thats just how bad...it was last night, and I expect tonight to be the very same...but at least this time I have some warning. =/ It's going to be a rough summer break, I can already tell. But...I'm always thankful for whatever time I have with him, Always greatful for it. =/ I hope that God grants me an answer soon so I know what to do with the time I've got with my dad.
Whatever it is most of you do...prey to God, Prey to some spirit, keep my family in your thoughts for whatever may happen. If anyone is in town, a call or anything would be great...or even if you aren't in town, call me anyway if you have my number.
Thanks alot, really
Lisa
6:00 PM
3 Comments
June 13, 2008 - Friday
Fuck Off Weirdness
Current mood: weird
What Lisa Means
http://www.blogthingsimages.com/whatsyournameshiddenmeaningquiz/name.gif" height="100" width="100">
You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.
You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.
Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.
You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.
You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.
You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.
What's">http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyournameshiddenmeaningquiz/">What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Random stuff of doom or whatever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It has been a fuck off weird couple of months, I mean...shit...bad things have been happening to everyone, heart attacks, ER visits...depressive spirals that suck the very life out of me. I haven't slept in months either, getting 4 hours here, 5 hours here and sometimes 12 or more on the weekends...
Yea I know this going to sound familair but I'm not suicidial I promise...but fuck I just get so damned tired (literally and otherwise) and I get sick of everything and I get sick of dealing with shit every damn day. I don't know really what I'm working toward anymore, I think my main goal is to get to Washington because I know I'll be happier there...weather and friends....mmm rain. But that goal is so far away...God what am I doing with my life? I feel so lost...and more over angry. I just feel pissed about everything, it just seems so motherfucking pointless at times and I just don't feel as happy as I should (There are people out there who make me happy and they know who they are).
Hell...if I knew any answers I'd be a hell of alot more happier...and Kitty is not feeling shiny. I feel pissed and a little pushed around, I was more than happy to flee to Oklahoma for a little get away. Don't know if it'll help but I'm glad to home and have more space and AC...>_>
But...fuck, I'm just not feeling like I should...I don't feel like me anymore, sometimes I don't think I even KNOW who I am anymore. Does anyone know me? I fucking don't. I just...wish there was someone out there that I could truly and completely contect to without them being in a relationship of some sort...I mean I"m a Polygimist or whatever the hell it is or spelled...It would be nice to find two people I could throw myself at and curl up and 'die' but I don't see that happening any time soon...I really don't see anything of that nature ever happening...I isolate myself without meaning to, I'm hard to understand, I'm complicated and I fucking don't care. FUCK!
People are always saying, "Let me in, please...I care." And I wish I knew HOW to let people in...the people who ARE close to me...just are. I don't know how I let them in, I'm just comfortable with them, and most I've known since or before I was 12 and there's only 3 of those people around anymore. >_> *slams head first into a fucking wall*
I"m so stressed...about everything and I'm wearing thin...kind of feels like there's no one there because they've got their own shit to deal with...its just been fuck off weird...so much bad happening to everyone the last couple of months. It's just been so damn odd...But fuck that doesn't help me any if there is any help to be had...I don't even know how to describe anything...just fucking weird...weird, weird shit. >_@ WEIRD!
Which...makes me sad inside and I"m...so tired and I can't sleep.
2:15 AM
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June 5, 2008 - Thursday
I remember when we used to drive anywhere but here...
Current mood: blank
Its times like this I feel so...empty and I don't know what to do, I feel like screaming and maybe crying...I haven't cried in so long. It feels like something is bottled in me...like a soda thats been shaken before you open it. I sort of just want to go...and...never mind I'm not even going to think like that, not when its too easy and I'm not stupid enough right now to go there. I just feel so...gone. I want...I don't know.
You know that feeling in the back
Of your throat when your about
To cry or vomit...
When enough hasn't been said...
I don't know what I wanted to say, what I want to do...everything hurts, everything aches and I don't know if I'll ever feel completely whole again. Somewhere along my life there was something taken from me, but I don't know what it was. But how can you miss something when you don't know what was stolen? I don't know, I just...wish someone would hold me and tell me to shut up because everythings going to be ok in the end. But it kind of feels like there's no one to really do that,I feel...so...distance from everything...I only feel something when I'm writing for a character...I guess I might go to bed, I don't know.
11:33 PM
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May 27, 2008 - Tuesday
10 things about me
1. Chances are if you can't keep my interest for more than a month, you never will. Deal with it and trust me I think it'll be obvious if I'm done with you, I don't see any need for words to be spoken when my actions are so much louder.
2. You know what, I am a bitch and its'll probably be that way, I don't have to explain myself to anyone.
3. Yea, I am selfish or so it appears, if I truly and really care about you, you'll know it and it will show.
4. I'm not easily swayed, don't bother with guilt tripping me because I don't give a fuck
5. My friends are my friends, they knew who they are and they knew how close they are to me. If you have to question what you mean to me, then thats your answer.
6. If you text me and you don't get an answer, obviously its a sign, take heed in it because I'm not going to make a big deal about it, you'll simply stop existing to me.
7. Your right, I'm not an easy person to get to know and if you can't handle it...oh well.
8. You either love me or you hate me, there is nothing in the middle, its one or the other. If your not sure where you stand...again look closely, you'll get it.
9. Truth is, I honestly don't care about what you think of me, get over it. Alot of me has to deal with what keeps me interest, I'm in it for me, I live my life in the way that amuses me, deal with it.
10. I'm a disturbing pervert and I'm a voyer, I'm not ashamed of what amuses me and what I deem worth me time...question is, do you really think your worth my time? If I don't seem interested...there it is.
10:00 PM
1 Comments
May 21, 2008 - Wednesday
I’m so afraid of the shadows in my mind
Current mood: scared
It's 5 am and I can't sleep...I just woke up and its just like...ugh...I haven't been sleeping well at all lately...I might be sleeping too much...I just felt the overwhelming need to cry and to dl MCR and its what I'm doing if iTunes will ever come up...fucking a...but anyway I just feel...so scared, scared that I'm going to fail and everything else...there's so much pressure...I feel like I'm going to cave in. ;_; I'm scared I'll fail college and then I don't know what I'll do, I need to pass and I need to work harder but God I just freeze up and panic when I'm trying to do the work, I feel so behind and so lost...this college and this degree means the fucking world to me. I have to pass and sometimes I question if I"m smart enough to do it...I don't know, I feel like my old demons are coming back to eat me. =/ there's alot of my past thats gone...unresolved because alot of it I can't bare to face...or even begin to think about. Its really killing me and no this doesn't mean I want to kill myself because I don't, I could NEVER hurt my mum like that or my friends. I respect life and everyone thats dear to me more than that. Its just that I'm so stressed and wound so tight...fuck its just hard to function sometimes, I need to start seeing a shrink again, really...I do. But I'm just so...ugh...so...so tired and scared I don't even know where to begin...I just don't.. >_@
I've also come to the thought, I'm going to stay a virgin UNTIL I finish college, no way in hell I'm going to risk getting preg and getting kicked out of housing because I'd be really...fucked on so many levels...so...3rd base only. I just can't risk it, its not worth it. I've waited this long, I think I can wait a little longer...
It's 5 am and I'm fearing
The shadows in my mind
Sweetheart I think we're going down
This ship ain't going nowhere
We're stuck in the middle of an
Overbearing sea that keeps
Pushing me to the edge
All I see is red and
Hun its not that big of
A deal but somehow
It's starting to wear on my
Nerves, your looking
Kind of grim like
You know its the end
But its not over yet
If these waves keep
Knocking me over
Yea, I might lose my mind
But I'm taking you down
With me.
There's no escape from
These dreams that keep me
Awake at night but
Of course you never said
You'd hold me through this
Anyway, but thats
Just fine because
After all its just
Like we were never
Alive to begin with,
You keep waiting for me
To give an answer for
This madness but
Sweetheart...There are
None.
Anyway...anyone have anything to say that might help, please let me know...please.
4:58 AM
1 Comments
May 20, 2008 - Tuesday
A little bit of...of nothingness
Current mood: numb
Its been a rough couple of months, I have to say...mentally at least, maybe its because I haven't been taking my meds and I'm spinning into a rather deep depressive state. I can't really say, I just know its getting hard to get out of bed these days and I really don't want to anything but eat x_x which will make me faat and I don't want to go there again...yes again, back in the day I was a rather...filled out girl. *sigh* Whats any of this mean? Hell if I know, because I DON'T KNOW! I JUST DON'T! AH!! But...I sort of started taking my meds again, I'm trying to start taking them again...before self loathing because a bitter trend. =/ I feel really emo lately and that pisses me off because I HATE emo kids...fuck.
But maybe it'll pan out in the end...*shrugs* I just don't know, I think maybe alot of it will be better when I get to move to washington :x but until then, I'm trying to cope and luckily I've got some ppls here to help me deal. =/ but even so...sometimes I just feel completely isolated and...I don't know, just empty inside...when I see something that suppose to upset me...I don't get upset because I'm suppose to, I get upset because I don't feel anything or I don't feel enough...or maybe I feel too much and it doesn't seem like anything anymore...empty space and an endless void that I don't know how to fix...
Sometimes...sometimes I don't feel pretty...well ok most of the time I don't and I don't mean to say I feel ugly because I don't...I feel plain and uninteresting,..I don't mean to...complain? Or whatever I just feel so...empty lately...and the stress of failing is eating me alive...I work so hard and it never seems to be enough...and maybe I don't do enough, maybe I never will...just average and I'll never be anything else but average.
I know its weird...but I just feel like this emptyness...this thing I can't figure out is in the pit of my stomach...a gaping and bleeding hole of nothingness...I don't know how to explain it...I'm just so tired lately, so tired. And I know...I know people are like, "get help." I've always been afraid of the drawbacks of getting such help...asking for anything because of the stigma of what comes with it, I don't know...I've just always been afraid to ask for *serious* help because as far as I can remember I always knew there was something wrong with me, something off...something bad I guess. I never shared any of my true thoughts with anyone, not even my shrink. He helped me alot with some stuff but I never truly opened up to anyone...well there's two or 3 people and you know who you are...ugh...I don't know, I think most of me just doesn't give a fuck anymore...I don't know, I'm so lost and confused...
I'm losing grip with what I truly beleive anymore...and yes I believe in something, I can not accept that fact that there isn't something out there, God, The Great Spirit, whatever you want to call it...but I can not accept that there isn't something out there...but right now its just...I don't know where to go or what to do anymore...I'm just...so empty right now.
Currently listening:
One X
By Three Days Grace
Release date: 2006-06-13
1:25 AM
2 Comments
April 23, 2008 - Wednesday
Fear of knowing
Current mood: sad
Sometimes I'm afraid to read what it you have to say
Because I know that at times life is rough for you
And I'm not close enough to help any
But if I act like nothing is wrong, it only makes it worse
As always though, you know I'll always care
Just say the words and I'll be there to listen
Even if I don't have the right words to make the pain
Go away, the very least I'll be there for you
World's away means little when I'm a call away
You know your a piece of me, if a little of you dies
Then a little of me dies too, I'm sure you know
That your a sister to me and I love you as dearly
As I can. Keep in mind I'm here though
Never forget that you mean the world to me,
Your tears are mine as well, I'll always be around
A phone call, a text, an im away...
I never want you to believe that I'm out of reach, out of touch
Because I'm not, always believe that...Always know I've never
Left your side.
12:42 AM
April 3, 2008 - Thursday
Watch it fly
Current mood: annoyed
well ok, here we go, my life at the moment is ok really other than I lost my wallet at school, pretty sure I had it when I left yesterday morning for class. But now its gone, so I’m sure its somewhere in the school...if someone hadn’t stolen it and used it for drug money, there was $44 in there...but my life was in there, I can’t buy gas, food, or anything else like that. Adriana had to by me a drink and Forest bought me lunch, Thank God for friends like them. But I felt a bit bad for making Forest buy me food I could of waited but I was hungry *emos* But anyway...I hope I find it, they can have the money just give me my wallet back, I don’t care...I just want my credit card and my drivers Lis back and my SS >_> Frick. It makes me sad...so hopefully I’ll get that back.
On another note, I’ll be posting a detailed blog of my life...most of you have read it before...well before my other myspace was delated for NOT APPERENT REASON! I didn’t even get a freaking email to warn me, I wouldn’t be so irritated about if I KNEW the reason to WHY they deleted it...or maybe it was hacked and deleted, NO IDEA! But I’d like to know and maybe someday I will. But yea...thats that for now.
I LOVE YOUS: Meg, Adraina, and some others!
5:00 PM
March 28, 2008 - Friday
The Truth Of It All
Current mood: sad
Well me and mum had that conversation...the coversation that no one wants to have but you know that sooner or later its goign to come up...whats going to happen when a parent dies. In my case, when my father dies. It’s not something you want to talk about, not something you want to think about. I’m no different, I don’t want to think about either of my parent’s dying but for my dad, the reality of it is far too close and much too real for me to ignore it. Of course me and mum have had this conversation three times over the last 2 years...and the recent one was a bit more grim than the other two.
More or less, its obvious that dad is never going to be ok, he’s not going to ever be fully himself...or even himself at all after this. His health will always be fragil and so will he be, mentally and everything else. He’s not going to fully heal unless God grants us a mirrical, things will never be as they were and he’ll never be as he was. My father will not be able to go back to work, nor will he be able to go back to doing most of the things he loves which is working with his hands. He’s never going to have any of those things again. The question came up...when is she going to let go of him and let him lay in peace...its not fair that she’s been given this burden...but litterally she is the deciding factor of when, where, and how he dies...and I sort of felt like the orical from the matrix when I said, "In one hand, you’ll have more time with him but in the other hand he’ll be forever suffering." Which is sadly true enough...he may not be in physical pain but he’ll always be suffering mentally and emotionally. Its not fair that that she has to be given that kind of burden...no one should ever be forced to make that choice but it happens and here she is...She’ll never be the same either...none of us will me. It’s made me stronger and more independent which I suppose I needed...but for her, I don’t know what its done for her...other than cause her heartache. However...its been voiced that she is the one who will decide when its his time.
She told me that nurses have asked her several times, "When are you going to let him go? He’s never going to get any better..." And they are right, it won’t get any better...he may stable out for a few weeks, maybe even a month but his body is starting to wear thin, I know I’ve said that several times before but its really starting to show. The ups and the downs, his body is getting tired and sooner or later it will fail. I told my mum that I wanted to be there if I was able to be where ever they were at the time.
Of course we talked about if he did stable out and kept on an even kiel. The problem with that is, he’s never going to be able to fuction normally, he’s been traumatized severally, his mental state will never be level again...ever. He’s damaged mentally, emotionally, physically, and spirtually. Thats just the facts of it, he’s going to be fighting mild to sever depression for the rest of his life...which may bring him to suicidal tendencies. And being the Christians they are, does she really want to have the church scorning him after all the help they provided for doing something that they believe sends you to hell? I don’t know, not saying it would drive him to that but the odds are against him. I think it would be better to have him pass in a hospital than at home...it would be easier on my mother and it would be better for him...but then again I don’t know I just don’t want him trying to off himself. Not that I can blame him really, but I just don’t want that to happen.
I told her after all this, I didn’t mean to sound harsh and I didn’t want to sound cold or anything like that but this was the facts that we had to face she did agree and told me she didn’t think that of me...because these were things that we had to deal with and think about. She said she was glad I was preparing myself for what was to come...he may not die this year but I think he’ll pass in less than 5...but maybe I’m wrong. One part of me hopes that it will be soon...so his pain, his nightmares and his sadness will come to an end...the other part hopes that he keeps living because I still want time with him and I want him to see me graduate and see me succeed and all that. I"m torn on what I want for him, I want him to be happy is all but happyness for him might be in the after life. =/
The only thing that bothers me about this is that on his side of the family none of the males have lived passed 60 and he’s like 55 or something...which made this odd and a bit sad.
With all this said, it appears I’ve prepared myself for it...doesn’t it? But truth be told, you can never be prepared enough, there isn’t enough time, there isn’t enough of everything to be prepared for the passing of someone you love so dearly and so much. It’s not something you can do, you can do it to a certain degree but its never enough, I’ll never be able to get through this completely. A part of me will always be grieving deeply and be enraged that time was stolen from my father because of some retarted doctor...I hope he gets offed of something. It’s not fair that all my dad wanted to do was live longer and be healthy for his daughter and for his grandchildren...but instead he’s been cheated his time. Life isn’t fair, I know this...I think we’re all well aware life fucks us all but still...knowing this doesn’t make the pain any less and it doesn’t make the situation any better...it just hurts me so much to be so helpless, there’s nothing I can do for my mum or my dad. I’m doing all I can and its not enough, it’ll never be enough...I hope that in the end I’ll be able to put some rational to this...make some sort of sense out of it. But chances are...I wont’ be that lucky.
11:40 PM
3 Comments
March 23, 2008 - Sunday
A sense of loss
Current mood: drained
I can’t help but...stand in awe of what I’ve just heard...what was just spoken, somewhere deep inside I’ve been...damaged, I’m on the edge of tears here. My mother just told me, she didn’t understand coming out or why anyone would...that it wasn’t anyone’s concern of who was gay and who wasn’t...I"m appalled at her lack of understanding...I just thought she would understand I tried to explain to her that we shouldn’t have to hide who we are, like the het’s flaunting their straightness...we should be able to flaunt our gayness without fear of being beaten in the streets...gunned down in our own homes...without fear of just being ourselves...without wondering if we’ll have a job the next day...its not cool...she pretty much told me I should of not said anything to her. It gives me...more of a reason to become more silent toward her with things that are on my mind. I will not tell her more...I will keep it completely cencored...I’m just so hurt by this, I don’t know this family anymore and I don’t believe I want to get to know them, I need to get on my feet ASAP so I don’t have to ask for money anymore...everytime I come here I end up regretting it just a bit. I’m glad to see them at first but its only a day or two before I start wishing for Dallas. >_< I don’t belong here anymore, I simply don’t...I can’t take being around here anymore, this isn’t my home anymore and I don’t know anyone here anymore. I’m better off in Dallas, God give me strength to do...what I have to do.
Thats all for now, I just had to get that off my chest...=/ Comments are advice are welcomed, thanks.
im just fucked
cell phone blog: i hate the smell of hospitals, dispire, choked down vomit, tears, and frustration are all you can see...all you can feel. Dealing with nurses who have a bad attitude, who dont care enough about the task at hand. To them patients are not people, they are jobs...I hate the smell of hospitals, death and loss are all you find here.
7:22 PM
0 Comments
March 5, 2008 - Wednesday
The Nightmare Beholding.
Current mood: tired
The Razors Edge
I'm standing still but the world is spinning beneath me,
I'm lost in my own silent screaming.
I'm sinking in the disease that some share but is still my own.
The razor's edge is my only medication but offers me merely delutions of peace.
Peace of mind shatters and rises under the blade the razor's edge.
This disease holds me prisoner from deep within.
The edge forces my flesh to part and bleed out my regrets, my everything.
I'm already dead; hold a gun to my head and a razor to my wrist.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Disease
Day by day everything changes, there's no way to keep a foundation of stregnth.
I fear there's non left in me, this disease strikes so suddendly, that I'm never prepared enough.
I folder, I crack, and I break into pieces.
My thoughts you see are never whole, never fully mine, part of them belong to the demon.
Shattered, broken, and fake are the thoughts that ruin me.
Never quite remembering if those thoughts truly belong to me.
Bend and frustrated; scattered are these thoughts that I forgot were mine.
Tossed into a high wind of tattered glass, sharp are the edges that strike me.
This disease holds a knife to my throat, waiting for a chance to release the pain in me.
It shakes the very soul with in, causes my touch to faulter and whatever smile I had to fade.
I'm trapped in a world that I can't comprehend, no hand is reaching out for me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Emotional
E stands for the Emotion you don't get
M stands for those who Mimic what pain is
O starts for the Obvious fraud
T stands for the Tale's you start
I stands for Instantly caught in a lie
O stands for being Open which you don't get
N stands for Not understanding what hurting means
A stands the people who Actually fell for the lie you told
L stands for the Loser who believed you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Black Blade
There's a blade that hides the corner
Black as the shadows that conceal it
No one can really say what its used for
Because no one notices that its there
A razor's edge that cuts so easily through flesh as if it were only air
An edge that has been stained red but no one can only guess as to why
But still this black blade doesn't seem to have any use
The darkness seems to hide what its purpose is or perhaps its the ignorance of its use that hides it so well
~~~~~
They Don't See
The scars on her skin, etched in so deeply by the razor's edge,
the blood that pours from her skin, crimson regret.
Fresh cuts, old cuts; scars that were made to last.
People see them everyday, a new hurt and a past broken that
no wishes to see.
People see the pain, the wrecked and the ruined
but no one ever wants to deal with them.
Everyone is too busy with their own pain, their own problems
to observe the broken and the used.
Freshly pained lips and bleeding smiles,
they pretend to care, to laugh, and to love...
Empty moments and a cold embrace
No one wants to truly see whats become of us.
Crimson stained skin, a whore in the corner
cries out for her dad, a man who was never there
but still somewhere deep inside her.
Over there a kid pulls a gun just for fun and kills the
teacher because his parents never thought to tell him
that there were limits of reality and nightmares.
A husband cheats on his wife, a woman he never completely
connected to because of a florishing secret of a love
affair with another man. His parents were
never tollerant of anything but a faith that blinded them.
A daughter breaks her skin because
she never understood how to deal with the
emotion that bled through her veins.
A condition of the mind that isn't easily contained by
the medications they gave her and words that
seemed as fake as the reality that they tried to save her.
People see what they only want to see, dreams of
black and white...never really wanting to
deal with the fact that no one
is okay.
1:43 PM
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