no insurance for the unthinkable....
so today at church with Megan (LOVE HER MORE THAN LIFE) the sermon-ish thing / homily whatever you want to call it was about like, connecting with people and re-kindling lost friendhsips and making time for those that are important to us and growing closer to people rather than giving into our natural tendancy to pull away and be isolted. the speaker has us all think of one person we need to re-connect with.... it was so sad to me that I could think of at least three if not four. I think that is one of the most depressing things in the world. There are so many peopl that I used to be so close with, and we have either grown apart or had too many differencs come between us, or for one reason or another lost touch.
And it saddens me. i am not saying now I dont have friends, I have a million friends that I love very much and there is just not enough time in the world to do everything we want to together and see everyone etc, esp before we leave. I am so blessed with the friends i have and to be able to call so many people a close friend. I know i am never alone.
Its just this though, not every connection is the same, not every relationship and friendship is the same, and each one is unique and different, each one is special to me. aach friendship brings something to my life in a different and special way and makes me the person I am in a different way. I am talking about the deep friendships. The kind where you stay up late bearing your soul to eachother. the kind where you can Say Anything and nothing seems over the line. The kind where you forget you arent family and where you know that nothing is ever too much to ask or to give. These kinds of friendships, which I have been SO blessed to have SO many of, are the kind of human relationships that I thrive on. and when one is lost, a part of me is lost. and it was not until today that i realized just how much a part of me i missing without certain people in my life. yes, life goes on. we are happy, sad, laugh, cry. we made plans, break plans... we live as we always have.
but every once in a wile you are reminded. and you remember, amidst all the crazyness that is your life, your rmember that connection you had with a certain person, and how so very special they were to you. as I write this I have a lot of people in mind. because I mean, there are the people you are close with for a while, but then it passs. but I am talking about people that are friends like what I was saying before. friends i thought of as family. friensd that were my world. they completed parts of me. there are three people in particular I think of as i write this entry. they were all spcial to me in different ways, and they all were three of the best friends in the world. i loved them all in differnt ways too. One I loved like a brother, another i was in love with to the extent i was able at the time and as much as teenagers really can be, and another was one of my best girls. I miss them all in different ways and to different extents. and the circumstances surrounding the breaking or weakening of the friendships were all very different. but each one affected me in some way, and i miss each one in a different way.
the first one i thing i can change. he is always there. all i have to do is puthim back as a priority in my life and make the effrot. i have to prove myself to him as a friend, and once i do, I think maybe i will be able to re-kindle a little something. because it was not too long ago we were spending days with one another and calling eachother brother and sister. so the first plan is to fix this. not out of guilt, but out of a desire to have this back in my life, because its important to me.
the second one i can do nothing about. it is on of the most heartbreaking things to me, but there is too much scar tissue and bullshit between us to mend anything. someone told me i could have been a clos second to one of the most important friends in this persons life and I blew it. but really we both blew it. nothing seemed to go right. and there are so many things i miss, so many things i regret and so many things i wish i could change. who knows how things could have worked out differently between me and this person if we had not me the mistakes, judgements we did, had the fights or not avoided the issues. i wont ever really know... but life goes on. there are losses. there has to be or it wouldnt be natural, because perfection is not natural. i think i expected too much of this person. to this day i still cant put my finger on what went wrong...why we hate so much...
the third is a phone call away i think. and for a while we started to patch things up...but our lives starting going in different directions, there was drama, and we are just in different places right now. but I am confident that this girl is one of those friend for me, and I am for her, that after we stray we can always come back. i have faith in this friendship. i have faith in love, to which i know we both testify, (we wear it on ur hands everyday for goodness sake) that this is not lost.
so thats whats on my mind.and thank god its out. I dont want this to lok like I am not happy. I am like, the happiest person alive. i love my family, friends... i even love my job. I am getting used to the idea of miami next year. I am confident in my abilities to make a difference and do something great with my life. but there is always room for improveemnt, and right now, I am focusing on this as what needs improving.i think everyone feels this way. i also think i am a little bit dramatic. i also think no one is going to read this......
so heres the end of the friendship rant. goodnight everyone.
And it saddens me. i am not saying now I dont have friends, I have a million friends that I love very much and there is just not enough time in the world to do everything we want to together and see everyone etc, esp before we leave. I am so blessed with the friends i have and to be able to call so many people a close friend. I know i am never alone.
Its just this though, not every connection is the same, not every relationship and friendship is the same, and each one is unique and different, each one is special to me. aach friendship brings something to my life in a different and special way and makes me the person I am in a different way. I am talking about the deep friendships. The kind where you stay up late bearing your soul to eachother. the kind where you can Say Anything and nothing seems over the line. The kind where you forget you arent family and where you know that nothing is ever too much to ask or to give. These kinds of friendships, which I have been SO blessed to have SO many of, are the kind of human relationships that I thrive on. and when one is lost, a part of me is lost. and it was not until today that i realized just how much a part of me i missing without certain people in my life. yes, life goes on. we are happy, sad, laugh, cry. we made plans, break plans... we live as we always have.
but every once in a wile you are reminded. and you remember, amidst all the crazyness that is your life, your rmember that connection you had with a certain person, and how so very special they were to you. as I write this I have a lot of people in mind. because I mean, there are the people you are close with for a while, but then it passs. but I am talking about people that are friends like what I was saying before. friends i thought of as family. friensd that were my world. they completed parts of me. there are three people in particular I think of as i write this entry. they were all spcial to me in different ways, and they all were three of the best friends in the world. i loved them all in differnt ways too. One I loved like a brother, another i was in love with to the extent i was able at the time and as much as teenagers really can be, and another was one of my best girls. I miss them all in different ways and to different extents. and the circumstances surrounding the breaking or weakening of the friendships were all very different. but each one affected me in some way, and i miss each one in a different way.
the first one i thing i can change. he is always there. all i have to do is puthim back as a priority in my life and make the effrot. i have to prove myself to him as a friend, and once i do, I think maybe i will be able to re-kindle a little something. because it was not too long ago we were spending days with one another and calling eachother brother and sister. so the first plan is to fix this. not out of guilt, but out of a desire to have this back in my life, because its important to me.
the second one i can do nothing about. it is on of the most heartbreaking things to me, but there is too much scar tissue and bullshit between us to mend anything. someone told me i could have been a clos second to one of the most important friends in this persons life and I blew it. but really we both blew it. nothing seemed to go right. and there are so many things i miss, so many things i regret and so many things i wish i could change. who knows how things could have worked out differently between me and this person if we had not me the mistakes, judgements we did, had the fights or not avoided the issues. i wont ever really know... but life goes on. there are losses. there has to be or it wouldnt be natural, because perfection is not natural. i think i expected too much of this person. to this day i still cant put my finger on what went wrong...why we hate so much...
the third is a phone call away i think. and for a while we started to patch things up...but our lives starting going in different directions, there was drama, and we are just in different places right now. but I am confident that this girl is one of those friend for me, and I am for her, that after we stray we can always come back. i have faith in this friendship. i have faith in love, to which i know we both testify, (we wear it on ur hands everyday for goodness sake) that this is not lost.
so thats whats on my mind.and thank god its out. I dont want this to lok like I am not happy. I am like, the happiest person alive. i love my family, friends... i even love my job. I am getting used to the idea of miami next year. I am confident in my abilities to make a difference and do something great with my life. but there is always room for improveemnt, and right now, I am focusing on this as what needs improving.i think everyone feels this way. i also think i am a little bit dramatic. i also think no one is going to read this......
so heres the end of the friendship rant. goodnight everyone.