I want to be your secret (25-26/26 + Epilogue)
Title: I want to be your secret
Pairing: Ryopi
Genre: AU / Drama / Friendship / Romance
Rating: PG-13 (swearing)
Summary: Pi is a Johnny's idol and Ryo is a salaryman living in the same apartment building. Despite coming from different worlds, they form a friendship that ends up being a pillar of support through the various trials they encounter, slowly developing into something much, much more.
Word count: 6086
Disclaimer: All from my fried up little brain.
A/N: Early post, because I have to go to work early tomorrow! I'd like to thank everyone for their lovely comments and support while I've been posting this fic up! I can't believe I started posting only a week and a half ago. To be honest, I wasn't sure it would have an audience, but I'm really, really glad I decided to post it. Everyone's kind words have really meant a lot to me, and I'm going to try my hardest to write more, but I'm not sure how long that will take, because I am super slow XD;; THANK YOU EVERYONE ♥ ♥ ♥
And special love for petite_miam, who stuck with this and encouraged me to finish it for two whole years, even though she was only getting like a chapter every month and Ryopi ain't even her OTP XD THANK YOU BABY, I LOVE YOU SOOOOO MUCH!! *flings confetti*
Chapter Twenty-Five - The Ballad of Yamashita Tomohisa
Ryo’s still at work when Pi finally arrives back in Tokyo, and he makes his first trip back to his old apartment in a long time. He collects his laptop, a couple of notepads and a “lucky” pen Jin had given him as a present one year when they were both in junior high. It doesn’t work, but it somehow makes him less anxious just having it clipped to his shirt.
The demo tapes are different to anything that’s he’s ever been given - Koichi seems to have picked out his taste just by looking at him.
I want this to be about me, Pi thinks. Not made-up feelings, but everything I know that’s real.
From that moment it happens fast. Once he starts writing, the words tumble forth onto the page as if they had waited a lifetime to be called upon. It somehow feels more right than ever before, and when he picks up his guitar in his hands, it has never felt so solid and sure.
I wish I’d lived my life
Like the river runs its course;
Never stopping for no one,
Never giving in to the force.
It’s scary how honest it is…but, at the same time, it’s liberating. He feels a weight he hadn’t realised was even there slowly lifting off his shoulders, each vertebrae clicking into place as they straighten upwards.
Sometime in my life, I began to wait.
Somewhere in the past, I lost my place.
As the words flow he begins to gain his own rhythm, slowly growing stronger until it becomes in sync with his own heart beat. His fingers quickly blister and break, but it only serves as further proof of his exertion in this endeavour - they’re the blood and sweat sacrificed to lay the foundations.
I think I’m gonna
Wash away the dirt
Til I’m like brand-new.
Take a look in the mirror -
I’m thinking, maybe,
You should, too.
Before he knows it he has twelve songs before him, gleaming black ink on crisp white paper, new and shiny and true.
All the world will crumble and fall,
And I will rise above it all.
Yes, I will rise about it all…
And somehow, what had begun as an album of lost hope and misery has become one of self-discovery and tentative optimism. And Ryo. Hidden between lines, or glaring blatantly from the page, he finds Ryo turning the words into lyrics like an ellipsis at the end of a verse - like a well-placed spoke holding together the rotating wheel.
Take this pain, pull it apart,
And find something extraordinary.
In the lies of my broken life,
I’ve found something extraordinary.
The lyrics are a little cheesy, a little immature, a little unsure - but they’re all him. Down to every last wavering half-beat, they’re all him.
*
The writing process takes weeks. He’s always been a perfectionist, but he’s beginning to realise that maybe with music that never really happens. So on one Sunday morning he finally decides to give his hard work a test drive for Ryo, who has been supportive enough to creep quietly around his own house when he returns from work, and have staring competitions with Uchi, when Pi knows all he wants to do is whine and complain and then jump his bones.
But finally sitting here, on top of an unmade bed, as Ryo rubs the sleep from his eyes…
He’s never been so tense. It’s funny how he can stand in front of tens of thousands of people at Tokyo Dome and feel nothing but buzzed, but be in front of this one person and just want to hide his head under a mattress.
“Some people don’t think I can sing,” Pi mumbles, trying to find a string that needs some fine tuning.
Ryo snorts. “Some people don’t think that Utada can sing. The world stands on the backs of critics, Pi.”
Pi likes the sound of that, wondering if he can fit that into his next song. Most of all he likes how Ryo is so sure of everything that it makes him feel sure of himself, too. He finishes fumbling around, and takes a deep breath.
And his voice curls in on itself, deep and slow and frighteningly clear.
Shuttered me down,
Thrown to the ground,
Spoke nothing words,
When I didn’t make a sound.
He expects Ryo to laugh, and when all he does is just stare back with utter focus he stumbles to a halt.
“And then?” Ryo prompts, as a halt turns into an extended pause.
“Uh, Ryo?” Pi murmurs.
“Yeah?”
“Can you close your eyes?”
“But I like looking at you. If I close my eyes I won’t be able to see you.”
“Exactly.”
Ryo sighs and obligingly closes his eyes. “Is this okay?”
Pi smiles. “Yeah.”
When he starts again there are no more pauses or hesitations.
Shuttered me down,
Thrown to the ground,
Spoke nothing words,
When I didn’t make a sound.
Wishing I could break the quiet,
I turned the music loud,
But the only beat I could ever hear
Was your voice calling me out.
Pi finds his voice getting louder as he sings, losing himself in the song. When he finally strums the last chord he looks up to see Ryo’s eyes, wide open, staring down at him, dark and depthless.
He nervously pushes back his bangs and lays his guitar on the bed next to him, heart hammering in his chest.
“So…what do you think?”
Ryo takes a deep breath, and reaches out a hand to tug Pi nearer, until he’s kneeling close, their foreheads touching.
“I think,” Ryo says huskily, “that Johnny’s going to be kicking himself for letting you get away.”
Pi grins.
*
Pi’s taking a break from writing, watching the light dusting of snow falling through the air on the other side of the window, when Jin calls.
“Hey,” Pi says when he answers. “Sorry, I was meant to get around to calling you and I never did.”
“That’s okay,” Jin sighs, constantly long-suffering, “I was just, you know, sitting around and wondering how my best friend was doing. You know, just worried and concerned and-”
“Yeah, okay, okay,” Pi laughs, interrupting. “I know, I’m a bad friend.”
“Yes, you are,” Jin says, but Pi knows he’s already forgiven. He and Jin could never really get upset with each other. “But I’m going to let you make it up to me by taking me out to lunch today.”
“Today?” Pi says uncertainly, glancing at the clock. “I’m not sure about today.”
“Oh come on, Pi,” Jin whines, “This is my first free day in a fortnight and I saved it for you!”
“Bullshit,” Pi says. “You had a last minute cancellation.”
“Okay, I may have had a last minute cancellation. But I still really, really want to see you!”
He really doesn’t have anything else on today. And there were worse ways of spending time then eating and talking with a friend.
“Yeah, okay,” Pi relents. “Meet you in an hour?”
“Great!” Jin cheers. “See you then!”
*
They meet at a small café a few streets away from Jin’s place. Jin orders something with way too much cream and chocolate and Pi flicks through the menu before thinking, what the hell, and ordering the same. They arrive in record time and look even more disgustingly artery-clogging than the display picture. Pi makes a mental note to restart his gym regime sometime soon.
“So how are you?” Jin asks around a mouthful of cream as soon as the waiter walks away
Pi doesn’t mince words. “I’m quitting. And I’m signing with another company. And I’ve written a bunch of songs-”
He’s interrupted by Jin spraying cream across the table.
“Fuck! JIN!” Pi yells, pushing back his chair, the legs scraping on the floor. His glare, which would have shamed even Ryo, is lost on Jin, who is already screeching back “You’re doing what?”
Before Pi can yell back, the waiter has returned with a cloth to clean the table. Pi and Jin both mutter apologies, but the waiter simply lifts an eyebrow before leaving them to it. Pi takes the opportunity to compose himself, grabbing a napkin off the table and wiping his shirt and face. Jin merely licks his lips.
“Sorry,” Jin apologises when they’re both clean. “You kind of surprised me.”
“It’s okay, I should have given you more warning,” Pi says. “Or maybe waited until you swallowed.”
They both sit there in awkward silence, picking at their sundaes, until Jin reaches across the table and pokes Pi’s hand.
“Okay, I’m ready. You can tell me again now and I won’t spit my food everywhere.”
Pi gives a small smile. “Okay, but before I explain I want you to know that I’ve been over this a hundred times. This is my final decision and I’m not changing my mind no matter what. Okay?”
Jin nods. “Okay.”
Pi takes a deep breath and looks down at his hands. “I’ve decided to quit Johnny’s. Mary and Julie screwed with me, and I don’t want anything to do with them any longer. To be honest, I think I’ve wanted to leave for a long time. I think I kind of lost myself for a while and didn’t know what direction I was heading in anymore. I think…I was feeling so disembodied from my whole situation, that I didn’t even realise how messed up I was until they went and took everything away, and then suddenly there was only me left and I just didn’t know how to deal with it. I kind of lost it for a while.”
“Wow,” Jin breathes. “Wow, I had no idea. I mean, I knew you were going through a rough patch but I never noticed how much it was eating you up. You always sounded so in control of everything. I’m so sorry, Pi. I mean, wow.”
“It’s ok,” Pi says, sighing and then lifting his head to look him in the eye. “I didn’t notice either.”
Jin leans back in his chair, gripping the sides of the table. The look on his face is a mixture of shock and hurt as he tries to digest all the new information.
He shakes his head. “I just...I mean, I don’t understand why you didn’t tell me! I mean, we’re best friends, right?”
“Of course!” Pi says hastily. “You’ll always be my best friend, Jin. We’ve been through everything together, right? Things we’re just rolling so fast, and I guess we haven’t been hanging around much lately because of work and stuff-”
“And because you hate Kame,” Jin cuts in, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “That was the reason, wasn’t it?”
Pi groans on the outside, but he’s smiling on the inside. Of course they would end up fighting, just like old times - did they work any other way? It’s a comforting thought.
“God, Jin, the world doesn’t revolve around you, okay? And I don’t hate Kame.”
“If that’s not the reason, then I just don’t get why you didn’t talk to me about it,” Jin huffs, pursing his lips. “It’s not healthy to keep things inside, you know.”
Pi rolls his eyes. “I wasn’t keeping things inside!”
Jin gasps and jabs an accusing at Pi. “You were talking to Yu but not me! You don’t trust me!”
Pi tries to suppress a scream - this whole conversation is going nowhere and he knows that continuing in this direction will only make him more frustrated. The grin has utterly disappeared and is replaced with the sudden realisation that he is friends with a complete nutcase.
Pi exhales slowly before he answers. “Look, Jin, we’ve been out of touch for a little while and it’s nobody’s fault. I don’t know what’s going on with your life either.”
Jin’s shoulders slump a little. “Yeah, I know. But at least I have Kame to whinge to. You only have me!”
Pi screws up his eyes and just dives in. “Well, actually, I don’t. I have Ryo.”
Jin’s mouth forms an ‘O’, and for once he doesn’t have anything else to say.
“Remember, I told you I was staying with him?” Pi barrels on. “Well, I don’t know exactly what we’ve got going on, but…yeah. I think I kind of love him a little. So don’t think I’ve been battling this all alone, because I haven’t been.”
Pi opens his mouth to say more, but the most important things are already out in the open. He can only sit awkwardly waiting for Jin’s reaction. Finally Jin nods.
“I’m glad you found someone, Pi,” Jin says quietly, earnestly. “I really, really am.”
Somehow these are the words that Pi needs to hear and he smiles, relief in his eyes. “You know, for so long I thought that person would be you.”
“Yeah, who wouldn’t want me?” Jin smirks easily, like he’s not even surprised, and Pi reaches over to smack him, before they both start laughing.
And in that moment Pi sees his life, like a before and after picture. There used to be so many things, so many secrets hidden beneath the surface, making everything that was meant to be transparent cloudy and uncertain. Nothing was clear at all, not even him. Now, Pi feels the light creeping in and changing him. Like a seedling breaking through the soil, he thinks only of growing and spreading his arms, and becoming the best that he can be, pure and simple - all he needs is a little air to breathe and a little nurturing.
Pi thinks of how much he’s changed in the past few months since he’s met Ryo. God knows he swears a lot more. But more than that is the feeling of finally moving on.
Chapter Twenty-Six - New Worlds
It’s Christmas when Pi finally finishes. Ryo wakes up in the morning to an empty bed, only to stumble into the kitchen to find Pi setting the table.
“I prepared miso soup, a rolled omelette, pickled vegetables and grilled salmon. And lots of rice, because I know you’ll most likely just want that,” Pi says, presenting everything to Ryo with a grin.
Ryo just rubs his eyes for a moment, before dragging his feet over to Pi and kissing him on the cheek.
“But I thought you said you didn’t celebrate Christmas,” Ryo says when he sits down.
“I don’t,” confirms Pi, piling Ryo’s bowl high with rice. “This isn’t for Christmas.”
“Then?” Ryo prompts, while revelling in the smell of Pi turning the rice. He picks up his chopsticks and thanks all that is holy for fresh, hot, white rice.
Pi seats himself down and they both say their thanks for the meal.
“It’s for me, actually. Kind of a good luck meal,” Pi says. “I’m meeting with Koichi today to show him what I’ve done. If all goes well I’ll soon be signing a contract.”
“If you told me I would have cooked instead,” Ryo remarks.
Pi shrugs, his leg unconsciously beginning to jiggle. “I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I’m a little bit nervous. I even called a taxi to take me to the train station in case I miss it.”
Ryo kicks Pi in the shin. “Don’t be stupid. It’ll be fine.”
“Easy for you to say,” Pi says, rubbing his shin. “That was kind of uncalled for.”
Ryo waves a dismissive hand. “It’s bad manners to shake your legs. But seriously, he’s going to love it. So don’t work yourself up over it.”
Pi sighs. “You can say it a hundred different ways but I’m still going to worry. And I’ll shake my leg if I damn well want to. It’s a nervous habit, okay?”
Ryo raises an eyebrow and grins. “I know a way to get rid of all that nervous energy.”
“Oh God, Ryo!” Pi laughs. “Just finish your food!”
*
After breakfast Ryo goes down with Pi to wait for the taxi. They stand on the pavement not talking, hands simply clasped. Ryo had meant it to be a comfort, but he can feel Pi’s restlessness, and it’s catching, although for a totally different reason.
In the instant the taxi arrives and Pi steps into the awaiting car, Ryo feels like Pi is slipping away from his grasp - can imagine Pi driving away forever and never looking back. In no way does Ryo doubt Pi’s success, and in a way that makes him more nervous than Pi could ever feel. He feels his fingers reaching to stop the closing door.
Pi looks at him questioningly. “Ryo?”
“I was wondering if you could do me a favour,” Ryo says, wetting his lips.
“Yes?” asks Pi, already bungled nerves making more uneasy connections.
Calmly, darks eyes reflecting sudden hued depths of gold and hazel, Ryo speaks quietly. “Just…no matter what happens, remember I love you okay? You have to come back to me, okay?”
Pi rises from the car, his hands reaching to cradle Ryo’s face between shaking fingers, coming close and noses bumping.
“You are. Such. A dumbarse.”
The corner of Ryo’s mouth quirks.
“But, since you asked,” Pi goes on, “I will tell you honestly that if by some amnesia-inducing incident I did forget, then, you know, shoot me now. Because that would make me very, very sad.”
Ryo leans forward and kisses Pi, who responds with surprising force, gripping Ryo hard like he has no intention of ever letting go.
Finally breaking apart, Pi returns to the car.
“Now, if you’ll excuse me,” he says unsteadily, “I have something actually worth worrying about to sort out.”
Ryo closes the door to the car, this time with a nod of reassurance, and stands on the side of the road and waves goodbye until the car turns the corner out of sight. As he moves to go back to their apartment, he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. Flicking it open he sees 1 message received.
Pi says:
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
*
When Ryo’s inside, washing dishes and trying to remember when Uchi’s next vet appointment is, his mobile buzzes. It’s Hina.
“Ryo!” he hollers as soon as Ryo answers. “How have you been?”
“Well my hearing is still perfectly fine, so you don’t need to shout,” Ryo says sarcastically, holding the phone away from his ear. “Old age finally getting to you, Hina?”
“I meant about Pi!” Hina yells, albeit a bit quieter. “How are things with Pi?”
“They’re good,” Ryo reports, his voice becoming neutral. “Really good actually; he’s meeting with a record company today about a contract.”
“He’s going to leave Johnny’s?” Hina gasps.
“Yeah,” Ryo affirms with a small nod, “he’s going to do his own thing.”
“That’s great, Ryo.”
It’s the perfect opportunity for Ryo to say what he’s wanted to say to Hina for the past couple of weeks. He knows that if he doesn’t blurt it out now then he probably never will and they’ll both pretend like it never happened at all - they’re not big on delving into feelings, those Osakan boys.
“Look, Hina, I have something I need to tell you, okay?” Ryo confesses hurriedly. “About the day when Pi went missing; I just want to say thanks. What you said to me really gave me the push that I needed. So…thanks.”
Ryo stammers to an awkward stop. He wants to add something like “But you didn’t have to be such an arse about it” or “But if you do that again I am officially defriending you, and I know you can’t afford to lose any more friends”, but he supposes that it might just spoil the moment - not that he wants to drag it on longer than necessary.
Instead of the anticipated obnoxious response, Hina clicks his tongue and says, “You’d do exactly the same.”
“What, yell at you?” Ryo asks, grinning. He’s never felt so grateful in his life. “Yeah, I probably would have. Except I would mean everything that I’d say.”
Hina snorts. “Who says I didn’t mean any of that? I was just telling it like it is - you’re a spoilt brat, Ryo, everyone knows that.”
“Gee, thanks,” Ryo says wryly. “I thank you and you tell me I’m a brat.”
Hina laughs loudly. “Like I said, I’m just telling it like it is.”
Despite everything, Ryo thinks he can accept being a spoilt brat - if it means being where he is today, he thinks he can probably accept most things.
*
When Pi comes back in the evening, Ryo doesn’t have to look twice to know. He pulls Pi into a hug, who smiles into his neck and says, “It’s happened, it’s happened. Did you see my message? I love you, I love you.”
“That’s great, Pi,” Ryo whispers into his collar. “That’s so great.”
“I was so nervous, you know, but everyone was amazing. I’ve got to fix some things up, but it’s really happening, Ryo.”
He pulls away from Ryo’s shoulder, a giddy breath escaping his lips. “It feels so weird to finally be free. I mean, it’s not weird, but I feel…light.”
“So you ended it with Johnny & Associates?” Ryo confirms. “You won’t have anything to do with them anymore?”
“We called Mary,” Pi asserts. “She was really mad, and I have to say, I half-expected Johnny’s hand to come smacking down on us like karma’s giant fly swat. But Shige pulled out all this legal crap about unfair treatment and breach of contract and taking advantage of a minor. He was kind of cool. He’s been kind of cool throughout this whole thing.”
Pi breathes, and his expression turns serious. “You’ve been really cool throughout this whole thing, too. There’s no way this would have happened without you.”
“Don’t be stupid-” Ryo begins, but Pi interrupts him.
“Oh! I wrote a song on the train on the way back. Well, it’s more like a rap, really. Do you want to hear?”
“Yeah, why not,” Ryo laughs.
Pi clears his throat and prepares his “west-side” hands.
I’ve decided on a life lived in hypocrisy,
Cos everything I love’s been made a mockery.
Don’t talk to me, you know I’m sick of your lies,
This world built up around your selfish pride.
Did you hear me? I said step away from me!
Divisions of truth ain’t what it’s meant to be,
I’m not free - of your theories and philosophies,
Your reasoning’s corrupted my every belief -
On this earth, in this place, tell me why I’m so angry?
And why the sun keeps going ‘round regardless-ly?
I refuse to accept, and I’m refusing to speak
The abuse and worthlessness that burn inside me,
The never ending contempt for the pain we all share,
And the excuses you assign to why you don’t care.
So watch it build up, build up, build up, build up high!
Don’t you give up, give up, give up, give up - try!
Make you stand up, stand up, stand up, stand up tall,
Don’t you lose it, leave it, give in to the fall
And tomorrow these words, watch ‘em slide off your back,
I’ve one more thing as you turn back down the wrong track;
A final note, as you consume the lies and deceit,
Remember what yo’ mama said - you are what you eat.
Pi finishes his rap with an unconscious upwards nod and arms crossed over his chest, and all Ryo can do is stare at him for a moment in silence.
“Well?” Pi prompts, losing any slim chance he ever had at appearing ghetto by giving a cheerful bounce.
“Um...”
“Not hardcore enough?” Pi asks with a small frown.
“Well, yes, I’m not sure hardcore would be the way I would describe it exactly...” Ryo responds slowly with a look of discomfort.
Suddenly Pi bursts out laughing and Ryo’s eyes narrow in realisation.
“You’re a loser, Pi.”
“You should have seen your face,” Pi laughs.
“I’m never going easy on you ever again, you do realise.”
Pi’s still laughing as his arm comes around Ryo’s waist and pulls him forward for a kiss with a “Yeah, whatever you say, Ryo”, and Ryo grins into the kiss, before biting at Pi’s bottom lip unexpectedly and making him yelp. He’s just beginning to realise how very unlikely the possibility of that happening is.
Epilogue
Summer
He waits in the dressing room, picking up his guitar, placing it down, standing up and sitting down and waiting and pacing and driving himself insane. He’s so sick and nervous that all he wants to do is run to the bathroom and throw up and then sit huddled in the corner waiting to black out.
All he can think is they’re going to think it’s a last-ditch effort to save myself. They’re going to think it’s all fake. They’re going to hate it. I’m going to fail.
He knows he’s working himself up, breath coming faster and more erratic, but he can’t help that feeling of being a lamb out for slaughter, waving its chops to the farmers in salute.
Okay, just take a moment, breathe, Pi tells himself. It’s just a concert, not an execution.
Except that it’s his debut concert, and in the audience are camera crews and reporters who would want nothing more than getting the credit for having him crucified on the front page of a magazine or newspaper.
It’s that thought that makes him come to his senses - because it’s not like that would be something new.
From the arena - completely packed, he’s been told, unbelievably - the crowd begins to chant, begins to stomp their feet, begins singing songs loud. His songs. And he remembers how much of a wonder this ride has been, how much of an impossibility - and yet, here he is. Here he is.
And there are less than a hundred steps to the door of the arena, and his feet pound the concrete with every stride he takes. There are less than a hundred breaths, and each one is like renewed life. There are less than a hundred stars shining in the sky through the clouds, but Pi believes - he knows it - tonight, they’re shining all for him.
The double doors swing open and Pi turns his face up into the lights.
*
He walks onto the stage like it’s the first time. The first time hearing his name screamed, the first time looking into the blinding stage lights - and many other things that are firsts. Like the guitar on his back, and music and the lyrics that are his and his alone.
He’s got the microphone to his lips now, letting the energy in the stadium fill him as he sings out one of his earliest hits, voice loud, belying confidence. As the last drum beats crash down he pulls up the stool at the front of the stage and addresses the crowd before him.
“WELCOME EVERYONE!”
Screams.
“How are you all tonight??”
More incomprehensible screams.
Pi takes a breath.
“Thanks for coming to see my concert. I can’t believe I’m here.”
A hushed pause.
“For a while I thought I’d never see your faces again,” Pi says finally, all honesty.
Someone in the front row cries out a determined “Never!” and the fans once again begin to roar, and Pi laughs because it’s like coming home after the longest, most tiring journey.
And then, “This is one of the songs I wrote from my latest album. It came from the heart so please treat it kindly.”
Closing his eyes, his hands finger chords and the drums start again with a lighter rhythm. Taking a deep breath Pi opens his eyes, finally ready to face the audience.
It’s not right, the way you look at me,
Like I’m worth more than I’ve got.
A secret I can barely keep hidden,
You’re the hope I thought I’d lost.
In this vision that’s stronger than fiction
I see all the lies are now tumbling down.
Above the screams Pi’s voice soars, singing like it’s the last love song on earth and meaning every single word.
I’m standing too close, heart’s beating too fast,
It’s starting anew and forgetting the past.
Under hemlines, caressing cheeks,
Linking fingers and knocking knees.
Something to hold to when it all falls apart,
Telling me to pull through when I think that I can’t.
You’ve got me believing the sky’s not so blue…
This something between us; I’ve made it my truth.
The cheers tell him that everything is finally okay. The boy in the front row with the wide smile tells him that it still will be, even after the screams go deaf.
*
The headline of the review reads “Yamashita Tomohisa: A milestone in idol evolution.” It’s a complete exaggeration and reads like a tabloid, but Ryo cuts it out and laminates it at work and sticks it on the back of the bedroom door and tells Pi “See, I told you so,” like a disgustingly proud parent. Pi knows as well as the next idol that one day of rave reviews could easily be followed by scandal and bad press. But he lets Ryo have this because he understands that this is his moment just as much as Pi’s. It’s his hard work on display, too.
June saw some awkward moments of dealing with the press and trying to rebuild connections that had been severed by the Kitagawas. It also saw Pi’s first single, My Truth, released with limited publicity, become a sleeper hit, slowly climbing up the charts for weeks until it reached the top five. It’s the first single that he’s released that hasn’t made number one, and he’s never been more proud. Koichi says that next time they’ll try finding a television show that will let him perform without the fear of offending the wicked witches of the east.
It’s hard work. Pi gets criticised on a daily basis, about his singing ability, about his awkward guitar playing, about his insistence on dancing. But Pi doesn’t mind most of the time, he just rolls with the punches - he was a Johnny’s, after all.
In July, Ryo’s work situation is turned upside down. Ryo, Hikaru and Tsuyoshi’s plans for the Hydrogen Fuel Cell Project are better received than expected, with Nissan and Toyota deciding to join forces, and Tokyo Gas moving towards making more fuelling stations within the Kantou region. The JHFC committee like what they’re doing so much that they make bids for the three of them to transfer over, much to Nakai’s dismay - he’s the one who’s going to have to find new employees if they move sections. Ryo’s all set to wave goodbye to Nakai (and Sakamoto’s coffee) forever, until he learns that Nakai has solved the problem by deciding to move with them, to which Ryo replies “No fucking way”. Alas, Ryo now has to work closely with Nakai on a daily basis. One of the good things that’s come from the whole ordeal is that Ninomiya is now working across the hall in HR and Ryo has a lunch buddy to complain to and go on cigarette breaks with.
August rolls around and Pi finally loses his own apartment, says a cheerful goodbye to Aiba, and moves in with Ryo and Uchi. He can hardly remember what it was like living on his own. The world has spun an almost full revolution around the sun since he met Ryo, and the times before that are already fading like Ryo’s old black shirt under the hot summer rays - all the remnants of those days were washed away in the monsoon rains. Pi sees Toma, and he sees Jin and Yu, and he comes home to Ryo and thinks the flowers have never bloomed brighter than they have this year. It’s the kind of perfect that Pi thinks could never really last, but he holds on, because if anything he has hope.
One day Ryo comes down with Pi to Osaka so he can see his family and friends, and Shige catches them making out behind the Kinki Business office buildings.
“I’m not sure the public is quite ready for this,” Shige says slowly, shifting his eyes between the two of them, and they both laugh it off.
But the thought stays with Ryo. He ponders it in the last days of summer, and it burns its way into his cells, and he carries it everywhere because he carries Pi everywhere. And its weight feels heavier every time Pi walks out the door.
*
Gossip Girl always made Ryo sleepy. Even after hauling himself up to the roof, he feels his energy leeched out of him.
His eyes begin to flutter shut and his frame settles heavily against Pi, right leg brought up and behind, resting loosely at Pi's back, while his head finds a cosy nook between neck and shoulder. Pi sits as still as he can, wondering if Ryo is counting the beats of his heart.
In their silence the air is penetrated by a thousand cars churning gas, the strains of sirens, the rush of wind tunnelling along the rooftops - but all he can hear is the steady breath and the slight movement of clothes and his own thoughts working to preserve every second. He thinks he could die like this. Here where he's finally warm. Here where he's never alone.
Just as he starts to believe Ryo is truly asleep, Ryo murmurs something soft and the neon skyline blinding the stars out of the heavens blurs black.
"I want to be your secret," he whispers, breath hot against Pi's skin, and fingers curling into cotton.
Pi's eyes close involuntarily, chest tightening beneath Ryo's touch, oxygen suddenly in limited supply, even after all this time.
"I want to be your secret," he says again, a little fiercer, a little more fragile.
"Ryo..." Pi begins to say with a hoarse voice, not understanding what this is or where it’s coming from, but Ryo shakes his head slightly against his shoulder.
"Like this," Ryo continues, after a pause. "Up here where no one can see. Or locked up and away from the world, I don't care. Even when you're away for weeks or months," Ryo says in his low voice, "or if one day you have to go off and fulfil your filial duties, just like everyone else. Even if I have to buy a bungalow in Okinawa and become a fisherman far away from anyone who would ever bother caring."
Pi scrunches his eyes shut, wanting to smile but unable to, because Ryo’s saying everything that he’s never wanted to think about.
"Until we're old and hairless and ugly as sin," Ryo murmurs into Pi's neck. "When everyone dies and nobody gives a damn about you or me or us anymore. Your mistress, your whore, your geisha, I don't care. I don't care," and it comes out like a prayer.
"I want to be that secret place you can always run to. Always."
"Ryo," and Pi's voice is a sigh. "I don’t want that. I mean, you don't have to do this for me--"
Ryo unburies himself from Pi's neck and looks at him with those dark unreadable eyes and a slightly crooked smile.
"Who the fuck says I'm doing it for you?" - like how the hell could Pi not know.
Then Ryo slouches upwards and stretches before turning his back on Pi and heading towards the fire escape. He stops as he reaches for the door handle and casts a look over his shoulder.
“You coming or what?” to Pi, who is still sitting there not knowing if he is able to move.
Pi only just manages to say “Can you help me up?”
Ryo’s laugh is more like a snort.
“Typical.”
And he comes, because he’s always going to come. Pi can see that now, even as Ryo grasps his hands and hauls him to his feet, briefly tugging him close. As he rolls his eyes at him and grumbles about how he needs to lose weight, while threading their fingers together and pulling him towards the door. As he loves him in the only way Ryo knows how to love - honestly and completely.
The tightness in his chest eases and his breath steadies out into a regular rhythm.
And the wheel keeps turning.
Pairing: Ryopi
Genre: AU / Drama / Friendship / Romance
Rating: PG-13 (swearing)
Summary: Pi is a Johnny's idol and Ryo is a salaryman living in the same apartment building. Despite coming from different worlds, they form a friendship that ends up being a pillar of support through the various trials they encounter, slowly developing into something much, much more.
Word count: 6086
Disclaimer: All from my fried up little brain.
A/N: Early post, because I have to go to work early tomorrow! I'd like to thank everyone for their lovely comments and support while I've been posting this fic up! I can't believe I started posting only a week and a half ago. To be honest, I wasn't sure it would have an audience, but I'm really, really glad I decided to post it. Everyone's kind words have really meant a lot to me, and I'm going to try my hardest to write more, but I'm not sure how long that will take, because I am super slow XD;; THANK YOU EVERYONE ♥ ♥ ♥
And special love for petite_miam, who stuck with this and encouraged me to finish it for two whole years, even though she was only getting like a chapter every month and Ryopi ain't even her OTP XD THANK YOU BABY, I LOVE YOU SOOOOO MUCH!! *flings confetti*
Chapter Twenty-Five - The Ballad of Yamashita Tomohisa
Ryo’s still at work when Pi finally arrives back in Tokyo, and he makes his first trip back to his old apartment in a long time. He collects his laptop, a couple of notepads and a “lucky” pen Jin had given him as a present one year when they were both in junior high. It doesn’t work, but it somehow makes him less anxious just having it clipped to his shirt.
The demo tapes are different to anything that’s he’s ever been given - Koichi seems to have picked out his taste just by looking at him.
I want this to be about me, Pi thinks. Not made-up feelings, but everything I know that’s real.
From that moment it happens fast. Once he starts writing, the words tumble forth onto the page as if they had waited a lifetime to be called upon. It somehow feels more right than ever before, and when he picks up his guitar in his hands, it has never felt so solid and sure.
I wish I’d lived my life
Like the river runs its course;
Never stopping for no one,
Never giving in to the force.
It’s scary how honest it is…but, at the same time, it’s liberating. He feels a weight he hadn’t realised was even there slowly lifting off his shoulders, each vertebrae clicking into place as they straighten upwards.
Sometime in my life, I began to wait.
Somewhere in the past, I lost my place.
As the words flow he begins to gain his own rhythm, slowly growing stronger until it becomes in sync with his own heart beat. His fingers quickly blister and break, but it only serves as further proof of his exertion in this endeavour - they’re the blood and sweat sacrificed to lay the foundations.
I think I’m gonna
Wash away the dirt
Til I’m like brand-new.
Take a look in the mirror -
I’m thinking, maybe,
You should, too.
Before he knows it he has twelve songs before him, gleaming black ink on crisp white paper, new and shiny and true.
All the world will crumble and fall,
And I will rise above it all.
Yes, I will rise about it all…
And somehow, what had begun as an album of lost hope and misery has become one of self-discovery and tentative optimism. And Ryo. Hidden between lines, or glaring blatantly from the page, he finds Ryo turning the words into lyrics like an ellipsis at the end of a verse - like a well-placed spoke holding together the rotating wheel.
Take this pain, pull it apart,
And find something extraordinary.
In the lies of my broken life,
I’ve found something extraordinary.
The lyrics are a little cheesy, a little immature, a little unsure - but they’re all him. Down to every last wavering half-beat, they’re all him.
*
The writing process takes weeks. He’s always been a perfectionist, but he’s beginning to realise that maybe with music that never really happens. So on one Sunday morning he finally decides to give his hard work a test drive for Ryo, who has been supportive enough to creep quietly around his own house when he returns from work, and have staring competitions with Uchi, when Pi knows all he wants to do is whine and complain and then jump his bones.
But finally sitting here, on top of an unmade bed, as Ryo rubs the sleep from his eyes…
He’s never been so tense. It’s funny how he can stand in front of tens of thousands of people at Tokyo Dome and feel nothing but buzzed, but be in front of this one person and just want to hide his head under a mattress.
“Some people don’t think I can sing,” Pi mumbles, trying to find a string that needs some fine tuning.
Ryo snorts. “Some people don’t think that Utada can sing. The world stands on the backs of critics, Pi.”
Pi likes the sound of that, wondering if he can fit that into his next song. Most of all he likes how Ryo is so sure of everything that it makes him feel sure of himself, too. He finishes fumbling around, and takes a deep breath.
And his voice curls in on itself, deep and slow and frighteningly clear.
Shuttered me down,
Thrown to the ground,
Spoke nothing words,
When I didn’t make a sound.
He expects Ryo to laugh, and when all he does is just stare back with utter focus he stumbles to a halt.
“And then?” Ryo prompts, as a halt turns into an extended pause.
“Uh, Ryo?” Pi murmurs.
“Yeah?”
“Can you close your eyes?”
“But I like looking at you. If I close my eyes I won’t be able to see you.”
“Exactly.”
Ryo sighs and obligingly closes his eyes. “Is this okay?”
Pi smiles. “Yeah.”
When he starts again there are no more pauses or hesitations.
Shuttered me down,
Thrown to the ground,
Spoke nothing words,
When I didn’t make a sound.
Wishing I could break the quiet,
I turned the music loud,
But the only beat I could ever hear
Was your voice calling me out.
Pi finds his voice getting louder as he sings, losing himself in the song. When he finally strums the last chord he looks up to see Ryo’s eyes, wide open, staring down at him, dark and depthless.
He nervously pushes back his bangs and lays his guitar on the bed next to him, heart hammering in his chest.
“So…what do you think?”
Ryo takes a deep breath, and reaches out a hand to tug Pi nearer, until he’s kneeling close, their foreheads touching.
“I think,” Ryo says huskily, “that Johnny’s going to be kicking himself for letting you get away.”
Pi grins.
*
Pi’s taking a break from writing, watching the light dusting of snow falling through the air on the other side of the window, when Jin calls.
“Hey,” Pi says when he answers. “Sorry, I was meant to get around to calling you and I never did.”
“That’s okay,” Jin sighs, constantly long-suffering, “I was just, you know, sitting around and wondering how my best friend was doing. You know, just worried and concerned and-”
“Yeah, okay, okay,” Pi laughs, interrupting. “I know, I’m a bad friend.”
“Yes, you are,” Jin says, but Pi knows he’s already forgiven. He and Jin could never really get upset with each other. “But I’m going to let you make it up to me by taking me out to lunch today.”
“Today?” Pi says uncertainly, glancing at the clock. “I’m not sure about today.”
“Oh come on, Pi,” Jin whines, “This is my first free day in a fortnight and I saved it for you!”
“Bullshit,” Pi says. “You had a last minute cancellation.”
“Okay, I may have had a last minute cancellation. But I still really, really want to see you!”
He really doesn’t have anything else on today. And there were worse ways of spending time then eating and talking with a friend.
“Yeah, okay,” Pi relents. “Meet you in an hour?”
“Great!” Jin cheers. “See you then!”
*
They meet at a small café a few streets away from Jin’s place. Jin orders something with way too much cream and chocolate and Pi flicks through the menu before thinking, what the hell, and ordering the same. They arrive in record time and look even more disgustingly artery-clogging than the display picture. Pi makes a mental note to restart his gym regime sometime soon.
“So how are you?” Jin asks around a mouthful of cream as soon as the waiter walks away
Pi doesn’t mince words. “I’m quitting. And I’m signing with another company. And I’ve written a bunch of songs-”
He’s interrupted by Jin spraying cream across the table.
“Fuck! JIN!” Pi yells, pushing back his chair, the legs scraping on the floor. His glare, which would have shamed even Ryo, is lost on Jin, who is already screeching back “You’re doing what?”
Before Pi can yell back, the waiter has returned with a cloth to clean the table. Pi and Jin both mutter apologies, but the waiter simply lifts an eyebrow before leaving them to it. Pi takes the opportunity to compose himself, grabbing a napkin off the table and wiping his shirt and face. Jin merely licks his lips.
“Sorry,” Jin apologises when they’re both clean. “You kind of surprised me.”
“It’s okay, I should have given you more warning,” Pi says. “Or maybe waited until you swallowed.”
They both sit there in awkward silence, picking at their sundaes, until Jin reaches across the table and pokes Pi’s hand.
“Okay, I’m ready. You can tell me again now and I won’t spit my food everywhere.”
Pi gives a small smile. “Okay, but before I explain I want you to know that I’ve been over this a hundred times. This is my final decision and I’m not changing my mind no matter what. Okay?”
Jin nods. “Okay.”
Pi takes a deep breath and looks down at his hands. “I’ve decided to quit Johnny’s. Mary and Julie screwed with me, and I don’t want anything to do with them any longer. To be honest, I think I’ve wanted to leave for a long time. I think I kind of lost myself for a while and didn’t know what direction I was heading in anymore. I think…I was feeling so disembodied from my whole situation, that I didn’t even realise how messed up I was until they went and took everything away, and then suddenly there was only me left and I just didn’t know how to deal with it. I kind of lost it for a while.”
“Wow,” Jin breathes. “Wow, I had no idea. I mean, I knew you were going through a rough patch but I never noticed how much it was eating you up. You always sounded so in control of everything. I’m so sorry, Pi. I mean, wow.”
“It’s ok,” Pi says, sighing and then lifting his head to look him in the eye. “I didn’t notice either.”
Jin leans back in his chair, gripping the sides of the table. The look on his face is a mixture of shock and hurt as he tries to digest all the new information.
He shakes his head. “I just...I mean, I don’t understand why you didn’t tell me! I mean, we’re best friends, right?”
“Of course!” Pi says hastily. “You’ll always be my best friend, Jin. We’ve been through everything together, right? Things we’re just rolling so fast, and I guess we haven’t been hanging around much lately because of work and stuff-”
“And because you hate Kame,” Jin cuts in, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “That was the reason, wasn’t it?”
Pi groans on the outside, but he’s smiling on the inside. Of course they would end up fighting, just like old times - did they work any other way? It’s a comforting thought.
“God, Jin, the world doesn’t revolve around you, okay? And I don’t hate Kame.”
“If that’s not the reason, then I just don’t get why you didn’t talk to me about it,” Jin huffs, pursing his lips. “It’s not healthy to keep things inside, you know.”
Pi rolls his eyes. “I wasn’t keeping things inside!”
Jin gasps and jabs an accusing at Pi. “You were talking to Yu but not me! You don’t trust me!”
Pi tries to suppress a scream - this whole conversation is going nowhere and he knows that continuing in this direction will only make him more frustrated. The grin has utterly disappeared and is replaced with the sudden realisation that he is friends with a complete nutcase.
Pi exhales slowly before he answers. “Look, Jin, we’ve been out of touch for a little while and it’s nobody’s fault. I don’t know what’s going on with your life either.”
Jin’s shoulders slump a little. “Yeah, I know. But at least I have Kame to whinge to. You only have me!”
Pi screws up his eyes and just dives in. “Well, actually, I don’t. I have Ryo.”
Jin’s mouth forms an ‘O’, and for once he doesn’t have anything else to say.
“Remember, I told you I was staying with him?” Pi barrels on. “Well, I don’t know exactly what we’ve got going on, but…yeah. I think I kind of love him a little. So don’t think I’ve been battling this all alone, because I haven’t been.”
Pi opens his mouth to say more, but the most important things are already out in the open. He can only sit awkwardly waiting for Jin’s reaction. Finally Jin nods.
“I’m glad you found someone, Pi,” Jin says quietly, earnestly. “I really, really am.”
Somehow these are the words that Pi needs to hear and he smiles, relief in his eyes. “You know, for so long I thought that person would be you.”
“Yeah, who wouldn’t want me?” Jin smirks easily, like he’s not even surprised, and Pi reaches over to smack him, before they both start laughing.
And in that moment Pi sees his life, like a before and after picture. There used to be so many things, so many secrets hidden beneath the surface, making everything that was meant to be transparent cloudy and uncertain. Nothing was clear at all, not even him. Now, Pi feels the light creeping in and changing him. Like a seedling breaking through the soil, he thinks only of growing and spreading his arms, and becoming the best that he can be, pure and simple - all he needs is a little air to breathe and a little nurturing.
Pi thinks of how much he’s changed in the past few months since he’s met Ryo. God knows he swears a lot more. But more than that is the feeling of finally moving on.
Chapter Twenty-Six - New Worlds
It’s Christmas when Pi finally finishes. Ryo wakes up in the morning to an empty bed, only to stumble into the kitchen to find Pi setting the table.
“I prepared miso soup, a rolled omelette, pickled vegetables and grilled salmon. And lots of rice, because I know you’ll most likely just want that,” Pi says, presenting everything to Ryo with a grin.
Ryo just rubs his eyes for a moment, before dragging his feet over to Pi and kissing him on the cheek.
“But I thought you said you didn’t celebrate Christmas,” Ryo says when he sits down.
“I don’t,” confirms Pi, piling Ryo’s bowl high with rice. “This isn’t for Christmas.”
“Then?” Ryo prompts, while revelling in the smell of Pi turning the rice. He picks up his chopsticks and thanks all that is holy for fresh, hot, white rice.
Pi seats himself down and they both say their thanks for the meal.
“It’s for me, actually. Kind of a good luck meal,” Pi says. “I’m meeting with Koichi today to show him what I’ve done. If all goes well I’ll soon be signing a contract.”
“If you told me I would have cooked instead,” Ryo remarks.
Pi shrugs, his leg unconsciously beginning to jiggle. “I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I’m a little bit nervous. I even called a taxi to take me to the train station in case I miss it.”
Ryo kicks Pi in the shin. “Don’t be stupid. It’ll be fine.”
“Easy for you to say,” Pi says, rubbing his shin. “That was kind of uncalled for.”
Ryo waves a dismissive hand. “It’s bad manners to shake your legs. But seriously, he’s going to love it. So don’t work yourself up over it.”
Pi sighs. “You can say it a hundred different ways but I’m still going to worry. And I’ll shake my leg if I damn well want to. It’s a nervous habit, okay?”
Ryo raises an eyebrow and grins. “I know a way to get rid of all that nervous energy.”
“Oh God, Ryo!” Pi laughs. “Just finish your food!”
*
After breakfast Ryo goes down with Pi to wait for the taxi. They stand on the pavement not talking, hands simply clasped. Ryo had meant it to be a comfort, but he can feel Pi’s restlessness, and it’s catching, although for a totally different reason.
In the instant the taxi arrives and Pi steps into the awaiting car, Ryo feels like Pi is slipping away from his grasp - can imagine Pi driving away forever and never looking back. In no way does Ryo doubt Pi’s success, and in a way that makes him more nervous than Pi could ever feel. He feels his fingers reaching to stop the closing door.
Pi looks at him questioningly. “Ryo?”
“I was wondering if you could do me a favour,” Ryo says, wetting his lips.
“Yes?” asks Pi, already bungled nerves making more uneasy connections.
Calmly, darks eyes reflecting sudden hued depths of gold and hazel, Ryo speaks quietly. “Just…no matter what happens, remember I love you okay? You have to come back to me, okay?”
Pi rises from the car, his hands reaching to cradle Ryo’s face between shaking fingers, coming close and noses bumping.
“You are. Such. A dumbarse.”
The corner of Ryo’s mouth quirks.
“But, since you asked,” Pi goes on, “I will tell you honestly that if by some amnesia-inducing incident I did forget, then, you know, shoot me now. Because that would make me very, very sad.”
Ryo leans forward and kisses Pi, who responds with surprising force, gripping Ryo hard like he has no intention of ever letting go.
Finally breaking apart, Pi returns to the car.
“Now, if you’ll excuse me,” he says unsteadily, “I have something actually worth worrying about to sort out.”
Ryo closes the door to the car, this time with a nod of reassurance, and stands on the side of the road and waves goodbye until the car turns the corner out of sight. As he moves to go back to their apartment, he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. Flicking it open he sees 1 message received.
Pi says:
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
*
When Ryo’s inside, washing dishes and trying to remember when Uchi’s next vet appointment is, his mobile buzzes. It’s Hina.
“Ryo!” he hollers as soon as Ryo answers. “How have you been?”
“Well my hearing is still perfectly fine, so you don’t need to shout,” Ryo says sarcastically, holding the phone away from his ear. “Old age finally getting to you, Hina?”
“I meant about Pi!” Hina yells, albeit a bit quieter. “How are things with Pi?”
“They’re good,” Ryo reports, his voice becoming neutral. “Really good actually; he’s meeting with a record company today about a contract.”
“He’s going to leave Johnny’s?” Hina gasps.
“Yeah,” Ryo affirms with a small nod, “he’s going to do his own thing.”
“That’s great, Ryo.”
It’s the perfect opportunity for Ryo to say what he’s wanted to say to Hina for the past couple of weeks. He knows that if he doesn’t blurt it out now then he probably never will and they’ll both pretend like it never happened at all - they’re not big on delving into feelings, those Osakan boys.
“Look, Hina, I have something I need to tell you, okay?” Ryo confesses hurriedly. “About the day when Pi went missing; I just want to say thanks. What you said to me really gave me the push that I needed. So…thanks.”
Ryo stammers to an awkward stop. He wants to add something like “But you didn’t have to be such an arse about it” or “But if you do that again I am officially defriending you, and I know you can’t afford to lose any more friends”, but he supposes that it might just spoil the moment - not that he wants to drag it on longer than necessary.
Instead of the anticipated obnoxious response, Hina clicks his tongue and says, “You’d do exactly the same.”
“What, yell at you?” Ryo asks, grinning. He’s never felt so grateful in his life. “Yeah, I probably would have. Except I would mean everything that I’d say.”
Hina snorts. “Who says I didn’t mean any of that? I was just telling it like it is - you’re a spoilt brat, Ryo, everyone knows that.”
“Gee, thanks,” Ryo says wryly. “I thank you and you tell me I’m a brat.”
Hina laughs loudly. “Like I said, I’m just telling it like it is.”
Despite everything, Ryo thinks he can accept being a spoilt brat - if it means being where he is today, he thinks he can probably accept most things.
*
When Pi comes back in the evening, Ryo doesn’t have to look twice to know. He pulls Pi into a hug, who smiles into his neck and says, “It’s happened, it’s happened. Did you see my message? I love you, I love you.”
“That’s great, Pi,” Ryo whispers into his collar. “That’s so great.”
“I was so nervous, you know, but everyone was amazing. I’ve got to fix some things up, but it’s really happening, Ryo.”
He pulls away from Ryo’s shoulder, a giddy breath escaping his lips. “It feels so weird to finally be free. I mean, it’s not weird, but I feel…light.”
“So you ended it with Johnny & Associates?” Ryo confirms. “You won’t have anything to do with them anymore?”
“We called Mary,” Pi asserts. “She was really mad, and I have to say, I half-expected Johnny’s hand to come smacking down on us like karma’s giant fly swat. But Shige pulled out all this legal crap about unfair treatment and breach of contract and taking advantage of a minor. He was kind of cool. He’s been kind of cool throughout this whole thing.”
Pi breathes, and his expression turns serious. “You’ve been really cool throughout this whole thing, too. There’s no way this would have happened without you.”
“Don’t be stupid-” Ryo begins, but Pi interrupts him.
“Oh! I wrote a song on the train on the way back. Well, it’s more like a rap, really. Do you want to hear?”
“Yeah, why not,” Ryo laughs.
Pi clears his throat and prepares his “west-side” hands.
I’ve decided on a life lived in hypocrisy,
Cos everything I love’s been made a mockery.
Don’t talk to me, you know I’m sick of your lies,
This world built up around your selfish pride.
Did you hear me? I said step away from me!
Divisions of truth ain’t what it’s meant to be,
I’m not free - of your theories and philosophies,
Your reasoning’s corrupted my every belief -
On this earth, in this place, tell me why I’m so angry?
And why the sun keeps going ‘round regardless-ly?
I refuse to accept, and I’m refusing to speak
The abuse and worthlessness that burn inside me,
The never ending contempt for the pain we all share,
And the excuses you assign to why you don’t care.
So watch it build up, build up, build up, build up high!
Don’t you give up, give up, give up, give up - try!
Make you stand up, stand up, stand up, stand up tall,
Don’t you lose it, leave it, give in to the fall
And tomorrow these words, watch ‘em slide off your back,
I’ve one more thing as you turn back down the wrong track;
A final note, as you consume the lies and deceit,
Remember what yo’ mama said - you are what you eat.
Pi finishes his rap with an unconscious upwards nod and arms crossed over his chest, and all Ryo can do is stare at him for a moment in silence.
“Well?” Pi prompts, losing any slim chance he ever had at appearing ghetto by giving a cheerful bounce.
“Um...”
“Not hardcore enough?” Pi asks with a small frown.
“Well, yes, I’m not sure hardcore would be the way I would describe it exactly...” Ryo responds slowly with a look of discomfort.
Suddenly Pi bursts out laughing and Ryo’s eyes narrow in realisation.
“You’re a loser, Pi.”
“You should have seen your face,” Pi laughs.
“I’m never going easy on you ever again, you do realise.”
Pi’s still laughing as his arm comes around Ryo’s waist and pulls him forward for a kiss with a “Yeah, whatever you say, Ryo”, and Ryo grins into the kiss, before biting at Pi’s bottom lip unexpectedly and making him yelp. He’s just beginning to realise how very unlikely the possibility of that happening is.
Epilogue
Summer
He waits in the dressing room, picking up his guitar, placing it down, standing up and sitting down and waiting and pacing and driving himself insane. He’s so sick and nervous that all he wants to do is run to the bathroom and throw up and then sit huddled in the corner waiting to black out.
All he can think is they’re going to think it’s a last-ditch effort to save myself. They’re going to think it’s all fake. They’re going to hate it. I’m going to fail.
He knows he’s working himself up, breath coming faster and more erratic, but he can’t help that feeling of being a lamb out for slaughter, waving its chops to the farmers in salute.
Okay, just take a moment, breathe, Pi tells himself. It’s just a concert, not an execution.
Except that it’s his debut concert, and in the audience are camera crews and reporters who would want nothing more than getting the credit for having him crucified on the front page of a magazine or newspaper.
It’s that thought that makes him come to his senses - because it’s not like that would be something new.
From the arena - completely packed, he’s been told, unbelievably - the crowd begins to chant, begins to stomp their feet, begins singing songs loud. His songs. And he remembers how much of a wonder this ride has been, how much of an impossibility - and yet, here he is. Here he is.
And there are less than a hundred steps to the door of the arena, and his feet pound the concrete with every stride he takes. There are less than a hundred breaths, and each one is like renewed life. There are less than a hundred stars shining in the sky through the clouds, but Pi believes - he knows it - tonight, they’re shining all for him.
The double doors swing open and Pi turns his face up into the lights.
*
He walks onto the stage like it’s the first time. The first time hearing his name screamed, the first time looking into the blinding stage lights - and many other things that are firsts. Like the guitar on his back, and music and the lyrics that are his and his alone.
He’s got the microphone to his lips now, letting the energy in the stadium fill him as he sings out one of his earliest hits, voice loud, belying confidence. As the last drum beats crash down he pulls up the stool at the front of the stage and addresses the crowd before him.
“WELCOME EVERYONE!”
Screams.
“How are you all tonight??”
More incomprehensible screams.
Pi takes a breath.
“Thanks for coming to see my concert. I can’t believe I’m here.”
A hushed pause.
“For a while I thought I’d never see your faces again,” Pi says finally, all honesty.
Someone in the front row cries out a determined “Never!” and the fans once again begin to roar, and Pi laughs because it’s like coming home after the longest, most tiring journey.
And then, “This is one of the songs I wrote from my latest album. It came from the heart so please treat it kindly.”
Closing his eyes, his hands finger chords and the drums start again with a lighter rhythm. Taking a deep breath Pi opens his eyes, finally ready to face the audience.
It’s not right, the way you look at me,
Like I’m worth more than I’ve got.
A secret I can barely keep hidden,
You’re the hope I thought I’d lost.
In this vision that’s stronger than fiction
I see all the lies are now tumbling down.
Above the screams Pi’s voice soars, singing like it’s the last love song on earth and meaning every single word.
I’m standing too close, heart’s beating too fast,
It’s starting anew and forgetting the past.
Under hemlines, caressing cheeks,
Linking fingers and knocking knees.
Something to hold to when it all falls apart,
Telling me to pull through when I think that I can’t.
You’ve got me believing the sky’s not so blue…
This something between us; I’ve made it my truth.
The cheers tell him that everything is finally okay. The boy in the front row with the wide smile tells him that it still will be, even after the screams go deaf.
*
The headline of the review reads “Yamashita Tomohisa: A milestone in idol evolution.” It’s a complete exaggeration and reads like a tabloid, but Ryo cuts it out and laminates it at work and sticks it on the back of the bedroom door and tells Pi “See, I told you so,” like a disgustingly proud parent. Pi knows as well as the next idol that one day of rave reviews could easily be followed by scandal and bad press. But he lets Ryo have this because he understands that this is his moment just as much as Pi’s. It’s his hard work on display, too.
June saw some awkward moments of dealing with the press and trying to rebuild connections that had been severed by the Kitagawas. It also saw Pi’s first single, My Truth, released with limited publicity, become a sleeper hit, slowly climbing up the charts for weeks until it reached the top five. It’s the first single that he’s released that hasn’t made number one, and he’s never been more proud. Koichi says that next time they’ll try finding a television show that will let him perform without the fear of offending the wicked witches of the east.
It’s hard work. Pi gets criticised on a daily basis, about his singing ability, about his awkward guitar playing, about his insistence on dancing. But Pi doesn’t mind most of the time, he just rolls with the punches - he was a Johnny’s, after all.
In July, Ryo’s work situation is turned upside down. Ryo, Hikaru and Tsuyoshi’s plans for the Hydrogen Fuel Cell Project are better received than expected, with Nissan and Toyota deciding to join forces, and Tokyo Gas moving towards making more fuelling stations within the Kantou region. The JHFC committee like what they’re doing so much that they make bids for the three of them to transfer over, much to Nakai’s dismay - he’s the one who’s going to have to find new employees if they move sections. Ryo’s all set to wave goodbye to Nakai (and Sakamoto’s coffee) forever, until he learns that Nakai has solved the problem by deciding to move with them, to which Ryo replies “No fucking way”. Alas, Ryo now has to work closely with Nakai on a daily basis. One of the good things that’s come from the whole ordeal is that Ninomiya is now working across the hall in HR and Ryo has a lunch buddy to complain to and go on cigarette breaks with.
August rolls around and Pi finally loses his own apartment, says a cheerful goodbye to Aiba, and moves in with Ryo and Uchi. He can hardly remember what it was like living on his own. The world has spun an almost full revolution around the sun since he met Ryo, and the times before that are already fading like Ryo’s old black shirt under the hot summer rays - all the remnants of those days were washed away in the monsoon rains. Pi sees Toma, and he sees Jin and Yu, and he comes home to Ryo and thinks the flowers have never bloomed brighter than they have this year. It’s the kind of perfect that Pi thinks could never really last, but he holds on, because if anything he has hope.
One day Ryo comes down with Pi to Osaka so he can see his family and friends, and Shige catches them making out behind the Kinki Business office buildings.
“I’m not sure the public is quite ready for this,” Shige says slowly, shifting his eyes between the two of them, and they both laugh it off.
But the thought stays with Ryo. He ponders it in the last days of summer, and it burns its way into his cells, and he carries it everywhere because he carries Pi everywhere. And its weight feels heavier every time Pi walks out the door.
*
Gossip Girl always made Ryo sleepy. Even after hauling himself up to the roof, he feels his energy leeched out of him.
His eyes begin to flutter shut and his frame settles heavily against Pi, right leg brought up and behind, resting loosely at Pi's back, while his head finds a cosy nook between neck and shoulder. Pi sits as still as he can, wondering if Ryo is counting the beats of his heart.
In their silence the air is penetrated by a thousand cars churning gas, the strains of sirens, the rush of wind tunnelling along the rooftops - but all he can hear is the steady breath and the slight movement of clothes and his own thoughts working to preserve every second. He thinks he could die like this. Here where he's finally warm. Here where he's never alone.
Just as he starts to believe Ryo is truly asleep, Ryo murmurs something soft and the neon skyline blinding the stars out of the heavens blurs black.
"I want to be your secret," he whispers, breath hot against Pi's skin, and fingers curling into cotton.
Pi's eyes close involuntarily, chest tightening beneath Ryo's touch, oxygen suddenly in limited supply, even after all this time.
"I want to be your secret," he says again, a little fiercer, a little more fragile.
"Ryo..." Pi begins to say with a hoarse voice, not understanding what this is or where it’s coming from, but Ryo shakes his head slightly against his shoulder.
"Like this," Ryo continues, after a pause. "Up here where no one can see. Or locked up and away from the world, I don't care. Even when you're away for weeks or months," Ryo says in his low voice, "or if one day you have to go off and fulfil your filial duties, just like everyone else. Even if I have to buy a bungalow in Okinawa and become a fisherman far away from anyone who would ever bother caring."
Pi scrunches his eyes shut, wanting to smile but unable to, because Ryo’s saying everything that he’s never wanted to think about.
"Until we're old and hairless and ugly as sin," Ryo murmurs into Pi's neck. "When everyone dies and nobody gives a damn about you or me or us anymore. Your mistress, your whore, your geisha, I don't care. I don't care," and it comes out like a prayer.
"I want to be that secret place you can always run to. Always."
"Ryo," and Pi's voice is a sigh. "I don’t want that. I mean, you don't have to do this for me--"
Ryo unburies himself from Pi's neck and looks at him with those dark unreadable eyes and a slightly crooked smile.
"Who the fuck says I'm doing it for you?" - like how the hell could Pi not know.
Then Ryo slouches upwards and stretches before turning his back on Pi and heading towards the fire escape. He stops as he reaches for the door handle and casts a look over his shoulder.
“You coming or what?” to Pi, who is still sitting there not knowing if he is able to move.
Pi only just manages to say “Can you help me up?”
Ryo’s laugh is more like a snort.
“Typical.”
And he comes, because he’s always going to come. Pi can see that now, even as Ryo grasps his hands and hauls him to his feet, briefly tugging him close. As he rolls his eyes at him and grumbles about how he needs to lose weight, while threading their fingers together and pulling him towards the door. As he loves him in the only way Ryo knows how to love - honestly and completely.
The tightness in his chest eases and his breath steadies out into a regular rhythm.
And the wheel keeps turning.