theatrical_muse | #304 - What are you hiding from?
#304 - What are you hiding from?
CUT FOR HOUSE, M.D. SEASON 6 SPOILERS
The guilt set in almost instantaneously and hit him like a tonne of bricks.
He hadn't anticipated that. In fact, he wasn't sure he actually anticipated anything. It seemed like a good idea at the time; the right, just thing to do. Kill one person, save thousands. In theory, it sounded honourable. In theory, you were only proverbially pulling the trigger. There was absolutely no way to really prepare for it, to contemplate that drawing something from theory to reality would hit you so hard and send you falling like you would never stop. It didn't hit him until he saw the flatlining, heard the warning buzz hit that monotonous tone to indicate an extinguished life.
Knowing you extinguished it.
What was he hiding from?
Guilt. Fear. Regret. Remorse. Pride. Torment. Shame. Disappointment.
Himself.
Euphoria and satisfaction is what he had expected to feel in the wake of it. A sense of pride that he had saved so many lives in sacrifice of a single evil one. It never came. Instead, a cold dread of negative emotions pooled in his gut - in his heart - like a block of chilled steel that would never dislodge. There was no hero complex or internal gratification. There was no contentment. It wasn't some higher bargaining chip he had in his possession... swap a life for the benefit of so many other innocent ones.
It was murder. He had willinging taken someone elses life, and now he had to live with it. Only, he was rapidly learning that he didn't just take one life. He took two.
Because his own was never going to be the same again, if he couldn't keep running and hiding.
From himself.
Word Count | 294
CUT FOR HOUSE, M.D. SEASON 6 SPOILERS
The guilt set in almost instantaneously and hit him like a tonne of bricks.
He hadn't anticipated that. In fact, he wasn't sure he actually anticipated anything. It seemed like a good idea at the time; the right, just thing to do. Kill one person, save thousands. In theory, it sounded honourable. In theory, you were only proverbially pulling the trigger. There was absolutely no way to really prepare for it, to contemplate that drawing something from theory to reality would hit you so hard and send you falling like you would never stop. It didn't hit him until he saw the flatlining, heard the warning buzz hit that monotonous tone to indicate an extinguished life.
Knowing you extinguished it.
What was he hiding from?
Guilt. Fear. Regret. Remorse. Pride. Torment. Shame. Disappointment.
Himself.
Euphoria and satisfaction is what he had expected to feel in the wake of it. A sense of pride that he had saved so many lives in sacrifice of a single evil one. It never came. Instead, a cold dread of negative emotions pooled in his gut - in his heart - like a block of chilled steel that would never dislodge. There was no hero complex or internal gratification. There was no contentment. It wasn't some higher bargaining chip he had in his possession... swap a life for the benefit of so many other innocent ones.
It was murder. He had willinging taken someone elses life, and now he had to live with it. Only, he was rapidly learning that he didn't just take one life. He took two.
Because his own was never going to be the same again, if he couldn't keep running and hiding.
From himself.
Word Count | 294