this fucking hurts.

[chasedwithvodka]

i think last night was one of the worst nights in my life. yeah, ryan and i got back together, and yeah i had alot of changes to make because of everything i did wrong when we were together for the past two years. i seriously have changed so many things about me and i guess he just doesnt believe that. i understand that he has no trust in me whatever..but that isn't going to make us work. if he doesnt have trust in me, even though it is my fault, you can't have a relationship with someone. once you have lose someones trust, it is SO hard to get it back. ryan got mad last night because rick shumpert sent me a message and we planned on meeting outside the gym after school one day because we have never met before. ryan assumed that i was provoking things to happen, which i wasnt. number one, i dont know the kid, number two, i haven't done anything like that in four months, number three, one of my GOOD friends likes this guy, number four, i care about ryan. i think those would be four good enough reasons that he could believe that i wasn't trying to 'hook up' with this guy. but he didnt, so i told him that i cant change the past and i cant change certain things about me, and i guess that pretty much has eneded up forever. i got off the phone with him and just sat in my bathroom and cried for two hours, threw up about three times and then punched the wall. then my mom comes in there and asked me 'what the fuck is going on?!' so i had to explain everything to her and she told me that if he has no trust in me then we shouldnt be together, that too much damage has been done to our relationship for us to try and make it work, and we never should have started talking again in the first place and that he never should have come out here monday night. hearing all of that hurt and i didnt believe her so i called drew because i needed to talk to someone and he calmed me down and then said he was sorry but he had to go, so i called danielle manzi and she calmed me down, made me laugh, and said everything the my mom said, so it started to make sense.. and as much as it hurts, i have to move on, i have to get over it, i screwed things up for ryan and i so bad in the past that it is literatly impossible for us to have a relationship, or a friendship.
i didnt do too much thinking about it today, i just slept til about 12.45 then dannielle called me when she got out of class around 1.30. and then ive just been sitting around listening to music sense then. but my moms going to take me out to dinner tonight to try and make me feel better and to try and talk about things, and im going to get my hair done, and im going to north carolina this weekend to get away from here and everything that is going on..hopefully dannielle is going with me.
but thats all i really want to talk about right now.