It stings when it's nobody's fault
Cordy left the office. Not just left. She threw a chair through my window and walked through the broken glass. She threw a chair into my window. I'd like to tell myself that I would've gone after her if I hadn't been so shocked, but I really don't know. I was in denial and ignoring every voice in my head that told me to just tell her what had happened. It was entirely selfish of me to keep it from her. I the way she looked at me when she was brought back from the higher plane and I remembered the way I felt and how she looked at me differently ever since. Not to mention all of the changes that had gone on during the latter part of the year. With her.. and Connor.
Not only was it selfish of me to keep if from Cordelia, but from everyone else as well. The only difference was that they didn't know they were missing almost a year and a half of their memories give or take a few. I always wondered what would happen if any of them found out. Would they just leave or would they stay and face it all. If I were one of them? I already know what I'd do. I'd leave.
I collected a bit of an audience after Cordy walked inside the elevator. Glaring at a few of them and their shocked, open mouthed faces I barked at Harmony to call someone to clean it all up as soon as they could. She hesitated a moment, but one look from me and she was on the phone. Turning, I walked back into the office and grabbed me a drink from the bar. Taking a long drink, I sighed and put it back down on the counter and headed over to my desk. I sat there for a while going through files, pretending to go through files, and then finally some men.. and demons came to fix the window. It took them actually longer than I thought considering that this was Wolfram and Hart and weren't they used to fixing every little thing in this place after all the hell the building had seen? Not to mention the complete reconstruction in a matter of a couple of weeks when the Beast has his fun killing every employee?
The workers left and in place of the jagged pieces of glass and broken pieces on the floor I saw a new glass window. The longer I stared at it, the longer I noticed it wasn't identical to the other pieces that made up the front wall. That was going to bother me every time I looked at it, wasn't it? Mumbling a bit, I sighed and leaned back in my chair. My mind went to what it always did when I was alone lately. Cordy and if, why, and how I should tell her about last year and parts of the year before.
I'm not sure how long I sat there. People would come in and out of the office and I think most everyone had left after a while. After several hours but what seemed like minutes I took out a piece of paper and a pen I thought that maybe writing a letter would be better. Better on her for not having to see me and better for me for not having to her look at me that way I knew she would. I wrote about five words when I stopped, balled up the sheet of paper and threw it to the trash can only to miss. Narrowing my eyes at the trash can I sighed heavily and stood. I could do this, right? Just go over to that hotel and tell her everything. She wanted to hear it and I wanted to tell her even though I felt I shouldn't. I just couldn't have her look at me that way then hear those words come from her mouth. Had she said that she still loved me?
Shaking the thoughts from my head, I headed out of the office that had been finally unlocked when the workers arrived and down to the parking garage. Taking a car, I drove to the hotel. I think I knew I had to tell her sooner or later and maybe the sooner the better. We could stop having these fights and she could stop coming to the office and get upset when I didn't tell her what had happened. As I drove to the hotel I was surprised to see that it was nearly daylight. Maybe I'd sat in that office a lot longer than I originally thought.
Once reaching the hotel, I parked the car in an alley just in case I had to leave when it was still daylight - which I probably would - and took the remaining darkness for granted and walked through the front doors. I walked in quietly and carefully, wondering if anyone was here. When I didn't see or hear anyone, I walked over to the couch that still was in the middle of the lobby and sat down. It was almost comforting that barely anything had changed in this place but at the same time it brought back so many painful memories. Memories that would be multiplied if I walked up those stairs and into my room. The smells, the emotions, the pictures.. everything.
But I'd think about that later. Now I just had to wait and hope I don't lose my courage before someone walks through those doors.
Not only was it selfish of me to keep if from Cordelia, but from everyone else as well. The only difference was that they didn't know they were missing almost a year and a half of their memories give or take a few. I always wondered what would happen if any of them found out. Would they just leave or would they stay and face it all. If I were one of them? I already know what I'd do. I'd leave.
I collected a bit of an audience after Cordy walked inside the elevator. Glaring at a few of them and their shocked, open mouthed faces I barked at Harmony to call someone to clean it all up as soon as they could. She hesitated a moment, but one look from me and she was on the phone. Turning, I walked back into the office and grabbed me a drink from the bar. Taking a long drink, I sighed and put it back down on the counter and headed over to my desk. I sat there for a while going through files, pretending to go through files, and then finally some men.. and demons came to fix the window. It took them actually longer than I thought considering that this was Wolfram and Hart and weren't they used to fixing every little thing in this place after all the hell the building had seen? Not to mention the complete reconstruction in a matter of a couple of weeks when the Beast has his fun killing every employee?
The workers left and in place of the jagged pieces of glass and broken pieces on the floor I saw a new glass window. The longer I stared at it, the longer I noticed it wasn't identical to the other pieces that made up the front wall. That was going to bother me every time I looked at it, wasn't it? Mumbling a bit, I sighed and leaned back in my chair. My mind went to what it always did when I was alone lately. Cordy and if, why, and how I should tell her about last year and parts of the year before.
I'm not sure how long I sat there. People would come in and out of the office and I think most everyone had left after a while. After several hours but what seemed like minutes I took out a piece of paper and a pen I thought that maybe writing a letter would be better. Better on her for not having to see me and better for me for not having to her look at me that way I knew she would. I wrote about five words when I stopped, balled up the sheet of paper and threw it to the trash can only to miss. Narrowing my eyes at the trash can I sighed heavily and stood. I could do this, right? Just go over to that hotel and tell her everything. She wanted to hear it and I wanted to tell her even though I felt I shouldn't. I just couldn't have her look at me that way then hear those words come from her mouth. Had she said that she still loved me?
Shaking the thoughts from my head, I headed out of the office that had been finally unlocked when the workers arrived and down to the parking garage. Taking a car, I drove to the hotel. I think I knew I had to tell her sooner or later and maybe the sooner the better. We could stop having these fights and she could stop coming to the office and get upset when I didn't tell her what had happened. As I drove to the hotel I was surprised to see that it was nearly daylight. Maybe I'd sat in that office a lot longer than I originally thought.
Once reaching the hotel, I parked the car in an alley just in case I had to leave when it was still daylight - which I probably would - and took the remaining darkness for granted and walked through the front doors. I walked in quietly and carefully, wondering if anyone was here. When I didn't see or hear anyone, I walked over to the couch that still was in the middle of the lobby and sat down. It was almost comforting that barely anything had changed in this place but at the same time it brought back so many painful memories. Memories that would be multiplied if I walked up those stairs and into my room. The smells, the emotions, the pictures.. everything.
But I'd think about that later. Now I just had to wait and hope I don't lose my courage before someone walks through those doors.