35 BTVS Fic Spike/Xander
Fandom: BTVS
Title: 35
Author: blackberry belle
Rating: 13 UP
Pairing:Spike/Xander
Warnings: None
Feedback: absolutely.
Disclaimer: These characters belong to Joss Whedon and assorted others. No profit derived and I am way too poor to sue.
Summary: It’s been 30 years.
A/N: Post-Series AU. Spike is unchipped, but has a soul.
I’m supposed to be polishing and posting the last part of TFATF Contact. Instead I’ve gotten temporarily distracted by a different fandom, which sparked this fic I wrote in roughly two days.
Now I can go back to Dom and Brian, who are currently shopping on the Paseo de los Touristas in Puntarenas, in case anyone was wondering.`
35
"It’s been thirty years," Willow squawked into the phone.
"Yeah," Xander agreed.
"I mean you guys did the traditional vows and everything," she added. And that was true. He and Spike had done the whole traditional wedding. Despite the obvious differences and the complexity of how they’d come to know each other so well, they were kind of old fashioned.
When the state of California eventually remembered it was about trendsetters and not sheep and finally legalized same sex marriage, Xander proposed to Spike. They’d gone out to dinner, he’d gotten down on one knee.
Shortly after Xander turned twenty-five, they’d married on the beach, just after sunset, in front of their family of friends. And yes they had written vows, but they did not discard Judeo-Christian promises. In fact Spike had seemed quite keen on saying those words.
"I mean when you were standing up there and you said ‘til death it didn’t cross your mind?"
Xander cringed. It had crossed his mind sort of. Flitted was maybe a more accurate description. And what had flitted had been selfish. Perhaps that’s why he hadn’t dwelled on it then or really ever until now. Until Spike had suddenly made it almost impossible not to think of anything else. When he’d repeated until death do us part, it flashed that he wouldn’t have to worry because he would be the one to go first.
"I just assumed", Willow continued, "I mean...I kind of thought maybe that one day I would sort of notice that you didn’t seem to be aging. And then it would become obvious, but maybe you know we wouldn’t ever talk about it. I always kind of thought it would happen on your honeymoon. When you kept getting older, I thought okay maybe you guys had decided that it was a better idea if one of you was a little older, cause young people don’t always get respect. And you’d cover both bases that way. You know it would just be a thing that was. A different kind of don’t ask don’t tell."
"Well it was, is - was a kind of don’t ask don’t tell except we didn’t ask or tell each other. You would have been okay with that. With me suddenly not aging, with me -"
"Have you seen the two of you together. And when you got married, I actually listened to what you said to each other. When you said forsaking all others, it hit me what that could mean in your context. It wouldn’t just mean not hooking up with other people, it might mean one day you would disappear to keep others from noticing the no aging thing. That you might forsake your friends, the world to stay safe and together. Forever. How could you not talk about it all this time? There’s denial Xander and then there’s...I don’t even know what this would be."
"Yeah."
"Men just don’t change do they. I don’t know why you called me. You have to talk to him."
"He left over an hour ago, not answering the cell."
"Xander -
"I know Will, I know."
**************************
"Bloody thirty five." While he watched his husband wince as he straightened from picking a pen off the floor, Spike muttered under his breath. Xander’s back had been bothering him a lot lately and there was apparently nothing to be done about it. It was just age, wear and tear aggravating damage done years before.
Xander smiled at him as he tossed the pen on the table. "What did you say?" Xander asked as Spike continued to watch him closely, looking for other evidence of pain. "Nothing luv," Spike answered quietly as he took a sip from his mug of warm blood. "Just working out a new piece."
His other half beamed excitedly at him. "You’re starting a new book?"
"Maybe, a book or novella, I haven’t decided which yet." And it wasn’t a lie exactly Spike thought. Much to his publisher’s delight, to one degree or another he always had a new project. And yes, of course there would actually be something eventually, but that wasn’t what was on his mind now. Truly, there was only one thought churning through his vampire brain. I should have turned him when he was thirty-five.
Their marriage had been brilliant, was still brilliant. Full of moments that Spike had never thought he’d have in his incarnation as a vampire. Things that he thought were lost to him forever. Thirty years with Xander Harris he’d been given the gift of life as a regular well-loved bloke. As nearly human as he could get.
And though he cleaved to their life together like he hadn’t to anything else. He couldn’t help but think he’d’ been complacent where he shouldn’t have been. A regular life always ended in death. Human death was rarely pretty. Thirty years of marriage had thrown Spike off his game and his husband was suffering the consequences.
He’d married Xander six months after the boy’s twenty-fifth birthday. They were as surprised as anyone at what they became to each. In some ways no one should have been. They knew each others history, what each had been through, what each was. They’d already made whatever judgements were going to be made, had already inflicted whatever pain they’d found necessary to mete out. Explanations weren’t necessary. They were both still standing. But there was also more than that. And in the post-Apocalyptic calm there was finally the time to consider the formally un-considerable.
The first year of officially dating had been a year of testing. At least on Spike’s part. He had approached the new dimension in their relationship with a mixture of pride and insecurity. He took Xander to clubs and bars where the boy was likely to get hit on, left him alone at a table and used his enhanced hearing to eavesdrop on the many and varied attempts to pick Xander up.
The boy always politely refused with the unequivocal pronouncement that he was with his boyfriend. All manner of human male tried and not once did Xander deny Spike. Life in Sunnydale, while certainly affording a certain type of life lesson, had left in Spike’s opinion, left the Scoobies sorely lacking in other areas. It wasn’t all blood and death. If Xander fancied blokes, Spike wanted to make sure he knew he didn’t have to settle. Once, Xander had wondered out loud why Spike never let him go to the bar and get the drinks and Spike had kissed him soundly and told him that he didn’t want anyone pinching his bum. As long as he continued to sit on it that wouldn’t be a problem.
Spike suspected that Xander knew what he was really doing, but the boy never said anything. Just on and on with the polite refusals. So Spike upped the stakes and took him to clubs and bars with beasties, cause perhaps the boy’s history had permanently turned him from humans. But the tenor of the refusals remained the same. And once in refusing he’d called Spike his husband. The old vampire had been so stunned he squeezed the glass in his hand too hard and it broke, sending glass all over the bar and other patrons unfortunate enough to be standing close to him
For his twenty-fifth birthday Xander indicated all he wanted was dinner at a new restaurant up the coast with the vamp of his dreams. Spike had made the simple arrangements, table on the patio overlooking the water, Xander’s favorite seafood dish. Chocolate cake for dessert. He’d been the one stunned to speechlessness when just after the main course, Xander had come ‘round the table and gone to one knee in front of him. The human’s dark eyes sparkled up at Spike as he extracted a ring box from the pocket of his suit coat.
"What the hell are you doing Harris?"
"Harris?" Xander raised an eyebrow and laughed. "I have a very specific idea about what I want for my birthday so I thought I’d go for it."
"Bloody hell, Xander. Pet? Are you -. Are you sure?"
"Um, I think that I’m the one that’s supposed to be asking the questions."
Spike’s hand trembled as Xander took it and held it in his. "I know given who we are, what we’ve been through this seems maybe a little ridiculous, but Spike will you marry me?" Xander opened the box and there was a simple white gold band trimmed with diamond chips.
Spike couldn’t find the words. Neither of them had much money. Without the constant save the world crises that had repeatedly interrupted his gainful employment in the past, Xander had only just begun to get enough scratch together to look to the future. They shared an apartment because they wanted to be together, but necessity also played its part.
Spike didn’t know what the ring cost, but he knew that it was quality, knew that Xander’s savings account was probably back to zero.
"Pet, you can’t -"
"Spike?" Fear flickered in Xander’s eyes.
Well there would be many, many more nights of Ramen, but
Spike pulled the future into his arms and held on tightly. "Of course you sneaky bastard. Yes."
With the help of the internet and Willow, Spike put together the wedding that he knew Xander wanted. Spike did some dealing on the black market to get stuff done, but mostly it was cobbled together with the help of friends and others Spike had no shame in reminding owed their lives to one or the both of them. Willow stood up for Xander and Clem stood up for Spike.
Ten years later, there was another celebration with a good many of the same people who had celebrated their marriage. At thirty, Xander had come to Spike and shyly showed him the business plan he’d been working on for his own construction company. They thoroughly hashed the pros and cons. Spike even offered to get a proper job if necessary to support them during the start-up. Xander was confident that he could either get enough investors to make it happen or a loan from the bank, but the look he’d given Spike at his offer had made Spike feel so very human, so very much more worthy of the marriage than he ever had.
At thirty-five it had all come together for his mate. Standing in the corner of their living room, Spike sipped his drink and watched quietly, proudly as Xander moved easily between his business acquaintances and friends. Spike had taken great care with the guest list. He’d wanted to preserve the air of joyful celebration that his husband’s party merited. But parties could also be grand opportunities for networking and Spike hadn’t neglected that part of the guest list. Xander’s company was successful and had gotten good mentions in construction industry trades. There was also excellent word of mouth and at the moment the company had its pick of projects to bid on. With the help of Xander’s assistant he’d picked just the right people to include. Spike had gotten them in the room, but Xander was the one beautifully working that room. Beautiful whispered through Spike’s mind as he tracked Xander’s movement around the room. Beautiful. Xander had never been more beautiful in body, never healthier in spirit. The shadows of his twenties seemed to have finally receded.
On more than one occasion in the course of the evening, their eyes met,held and the rest of the room faded away. And Spike didn’t think that he could be any more in love with Xander Harris than he was at those moments of the party.
During a shared moments, the whisper changed. If I turned him now he would always be this way, he has finally become the man he should be and if I turned him now...
Later, when all the guests had gone and they were in their bed, Xander’s body pliant and wanton under his, he’d considered taking Xander in every sense. He’d still been a little bit drunk and he didn’t want to make a life changing decision in that condition. It also occurred to him that it was time to do some research. If a souled vampire turned someone would that allow the one turned to retain his own soul? Of course they would need to talk about it. Xander would need to be convinced.
For days after the party, turning Xander was on Spike’s mind more than anything. Then Lorne had called about both a poetry anthology and a publisher with an interest in Spike’s novel manuscript. And as Xander had been caught up with the start of his business so Spike had become caught up with his burgeoning literary career.
And now it was suddenly twenty years later, they still shivered at each other’s touch, they were both successful in their own careers, but Xander was getting older. And Spike couldn’t ignore it anymore. The only useful thing Xander inherited from the Harris’ was a genetic code that made him age well. Certainly the years of demon fighting and construction had done their work too. When he was forty, Xander could still pass for thirty. It was only just now at fifty-five that his age had become tangible.
They would go out to underground clubs every once in a while and Spike noted how the looks they got had changed. Younger men no longer eyed Xander as they had when he was their peer. Sometimes he barely registered on their radar. They would give Spike a knowing once over. He could see in their eyes how they thought he’d gotten himself a sugar daddy. Strangely now it was mostly women who couldn’t seem to look their fill of his husband.
Spike was reminded of something, some actor had said many years before about having one year in your life when you suddenly age ten years. Spike thought of that sometimes when he looked at Xander now. There was barely any gray in his hair, just a sprinkling at his temple and flecks throughout is longish brown hair. His body was still taut and lean, but a back injury from a fall at a site years before had begun to act up. Xander moved stiffly when he first woke in the morning and when he looked closely Spike could see signs that his partner was in pain.
The years of ‘playing’ through pain were so ingrained that Xander rarely said anything, just winced and kept going. And the whisper, slightly altered, started again. I should have turned him when he was thirty-five. I’ll need to do it soon, before it’s too late.
"Spike." Somewhere during the time Spike was pretending to read the magazine beside his plate, Xander had stopped marking up the proposal in front of him and was now staring at Spike.
"Oh yes, luv what?"
"Are you okay? You’ve been staring at that page for a while now."
"Ah you know how we writer types are, a bit of dialogue just came to me." Before Xander could blink Spike moved and was standing next to him. Stroking his fingers through Xander’s thick mostly chestnut hair, Spike tilted his head back and laid a toe curling kiss on him. It was the kind of kiss that usually led to Xander on his back with his legs in the air. But not this time.
"Hmmm, that’s nice." Xander murmured. "You wanna go upstairs. I don’t think dining room chair sex is a good option right now." An admission.
Spike took a step back. Smoothed his cool pale fingers across Xander’s forehead, his cheek.
"God Xan at thirty-five, you were -". Temporary confusion flickered in the younger man’s eyes before switching to good humor.
"What? You tryin’ to say, now I’m chopped liver." Xander grinned up at his husband whose eyes softened as they held his.
"No, pet you’re as beautiful now as you were then, in every way,"came the solemn reply. Quickly, Spike stepped forward and kissed Xander’s forehead.
"I need to go out for a bit."
"Spike?"
"Just for a bit."
Xander forced himself to concentrate on the proposal for another hour. When it was apparent ‘Just a bit’ was going to be longer than an hour, Xander finally gave up. He couldn’t ignore Spike’s mood or it’s implications. Sighing, Xander hauled himself out of his chair and walked dejectedly into the first floor bathroom. The only mirrors in the house were the ones above the bathroom sinks. The years with Spike had gotten him out of the habit of looking in the mirror. Spike was his mirror. All he needed to see of what he was, was reflected in the other man’s crystal blue gaze.
Having his own company and the nature of the work allowed him to go shaggy more often then not and Spike liked him with a little hair on his face. When it was time for him to shave, Spike wielded a mean straight razor.
Stepping in front of the bathroom mirror, Xander was a little startled at what he saw. He looked at himself. Really looked. The grey in his hair made him looked distinguished. The guy in the mirror looked like he could out Giles, Giles. The guy in the mirror looked like someone’s dad. He looked, not old exactly, but certainly an adult. A true grownup. A reflection vastly different from the one he usually saw.
In Spike’s eyes he was the boy, a baby, a whelp, decades younger. In the eyes of his partner he’d barely lived. But in the impartial bathroom glass, he was a man with probably half his life already gone. And he couldn’t pretend that he didn’t know what had sent his husband out of the house. Admitting the reason to himself had sent him straight to the phone. Willow had barely said hello when Xander blurted out,"Spike wants to turn me."
He’d known even before Willow said it that he and Spike were at the point where they’d have to get out of the river of denial. He’d just needed to practice saying it out loud. Spike wants to turn me.
After hanging up with Willow, he’d tried reviewing his proposal again. It fell into his face a few hours later as he dozed on the bed, with the low hum of tv news filling in the silence of the room.
Xander woke with a start to Spike’s tongue slipping into his slightly open mouth and Spike’s hands slowly undressing him.
"You’re back."
"Yeah." And that’s all the talking there was for the next moments. Mouths and hands found their pre-ordained spots. And they came together almost exactly as they had that first time. Sweetly, gently.
Later Xander woke to find the bed empty. There would be no tell tale warmth of the sheets to let him know how long Spike had been out of bed. He listened to see if he could pick up where Spike might be in the house. Though his hearing wasn’t as enhanced as his husband’s, over the years he’d become especially attuned the sounds of Spike. Propping himself up in the bed he listened. Nothing. He didn’t want to attribute the sated peace he felt to an especially vivid dream but he didn’t think that Spike would leave their bed after that unless -
Xander threw the comforter back and clambered from the bed. Ignoring the twinge in his back he threw on his robe. "Spike?"
*******************
Xander knew what kind of letter it was the moment he saw the envelope. It was part of a stationary set he’d given Spike the most recent Christmas past. It was the stationary Spike used to write Dawn letting her know how they were getting on.
As soon as he saw the envelope tucked next to the plate with his morning Twinkie, he’d started dialing on his cell phone again. Listened to the ring, thinking that he heard it’s faint echo in another part of the house. While the phone on the other end of the line continued to ring, Xander dropped his cell from his ear and began to stalk around the house as the echo got louder.
He found his husband’s phone ringing forlornly on top of the television in the study. He stared at it for several seconds before he lifted his own phone to his ear to listen to the twin ringing. With shaking hand he punched the end button and left his phone on the television with its mate.
Stumbling back to the kitchen he dropped heavily into the chair in front of his morning snack, tore open the envelope and plucked out the contents.
Hello Pet,
I was going to leave you a few lines of verse, but my mind has suddenly gone completely blank. I guess simple is best. I love you and yet, and yet I don’t think that I can be trusted any longer not to hurt you.
I have had loves before you, but there will be noone after you. You are the one
Spike
Xander read the letter several times trying to make sense of the nonsensical. At last when he knew that he had to accept the letter for the Dear John that it was, he did what he hadn’t done since he was a much younger man.
Shoving the plate aside, he dropped his forehead to the table and bawled like a baby.
end