"I want to wake up with someone who holds me the right way- to love me. call me. want me..
..when false pretences fade"
I want to wake up with someone who holds me the right way- someone who can love me. When false reflections fade.
Vanity.. far-off incest, a warped sense of security- whatever name you wish to call it they won’t make a difference to me. In one day, my interpretation of good vs. evil has literally been flipped. Though I’m not sure what it means, I’ll listen to my instincts for now.
Explain to me who you are again, maybe this time it’ll make more sense. I see my same eyes, aged with things a person was never meant to experience regardless of the amount of time. She has my kiss, my way of being- my morals, and the way that I hold people close to my heart. She likes to confront people, she’s straightforward- and harsh. Very harsh.. it’s actually surprising to hear things I’ve said in the past be repeated to me, in an insulting way. For some reason, I still find myself depending on her, thanking her- and growing closer to her on a daily basis. It’s all the same; but something doesn’t quite seem to fit.
Does my union with her really depend on what happens in the next couple of months? Not only that, but once we are- if we choose to be, what will change? I was hoping to do it this Friday, it’s the fall equinox and I’m filled with happiness and hope. I have tremendous expectations for this season, and it’s only a matter of time before I can see whatever potential the people I surround myself around really have. There are so many questions that I want answered, but all I hear in return is “I’m not sure..” Never- by any stretch of the imagination, did I think that this would happen to me. Or to anyone remotely close to me, now it feels like no matter who I turn to, they all have something or someone inside of them, asking for my help. Frankly, I’m afraid that I won’t completely be able to give it to them- It’s flattering, but really.. I think they’re starting to count on me way too much.
When it came time to charge the stones, I wanted to see if we could both do it. So we tried, and when that failed I heard something telling me to get even closer to her- on a personal level. When we did, it instantly worked. But something else turned up also; I felt energy. A large, pure, secure type of energy radiating from her. Clinging to the stone- our collected energy was surged through the palms of my hands, onto the slabs of onyx, citrine, and bloodstone. I loved it, and I wanted more of it. The night before I figured out that Claudia was trying to help, and I’d been tricked in a much more in-depth way. Apparently, this has been planned for some time, and honestly- I don’t appreciate the amount of thought that went into plotting all of this, mainly because- it’s being used against me. This ‘new’ impersonator wants not only what they have to offer, but mainly what I do. Me- and Claudia. Nice addition to the amount of confusion present because of her. I can take it, so can they- and why shouldn’t I? By no means would I hurt them, I’d never dream of that. It’d help me, it’d make me happy. And with this role, comes privileges- mainly, allowing me to overstep the boundaries tying everyone else down, and live in my own little ‘gray area’ where nothing can work against me, and everything is at my disposal. Basically, I have the upper hand now in ANY relationship, in ANY connection, and in ANY sense of the word “power”- I’m not complaining. So far I’ve only used it to benefit everyone around me, one in particular- with very happy, surprisingly strong ways. I think it’s time for me to do something for myself.. I just don’t know what.
It’s been a while- I have to admit, and even though I always heard that I was an ‘uncommon’ mix of certain traits, I didn’t really think of it. So now my little ‘angel’ showed up, my nice little ‘pure’ side- and maybe that’s why I take the rede so seriously. Especially in recent years, I never could seem to comprehend. At least this alternative gives me an answer..
Both Steven and Christina had a ‘minor’ nervous breakdown last night, seemingly only because of an “overwhelming feeling of sadness.” Steven, unsure as to why he was starting to break down too, had to stop comforting her- and take a breather for himself. She said I felt far away- I felt disconnected. It’s nice to see that they support each other, I just had no idea how much she counted on him as well as me. Is that something to be grateful for- or something to put my guard up to? She spent all of today crying, then apparantlyi made her stop- he blacked out for a full period, and was only able to see in double for the remainder of the day.
He thinks that by simply saying to me that he was correct, and that he doesn’t want to fight me- I’ll return the sentiment in mutual agreement that my best interest was the only thing he had in mind. Now he’s using word tricks to say that his recent little death threat was, in fact, a compliment. Unfortunately, it’s not as easy as simply wanting to get even with him, my little ‘angel’ here won’t let me. I think he'll get very sick soon, a deathly sick- that will, in no way be my own fault. And here i'll mourn, and cry, and hope for the best- pray that my friend will get better, being able to look at him- eyes filled with pity. Look to them with my famous, innocent doe-like eyes, the one that melts away any doubts that certain person may have, at that certain point in time, until they won't be able to see anymore, until their eyes turn red, their pupils dilate, and they wonder why it feels like they're vision's been clawed out; i love that look, it's a keeper. How easy can these people be to trick? It's cruel- i'll admit it. But why let them know that they've been tricked by the 'sweet little thing' that they've trusted their worries in? All it'll do is harm them, that wouldn't be very nice of me, now would it? Afterall, i've built up a nice little reputation of being there for others, putting them before me- and unknown to some, proving- once again, how trusting they can me, i've also established one of turning around- and stabbing them in the back. He said he wouldn't meddle anymore, that he's no longer needed, and that now he'll go away. I won't give him a chance to leave- I want to see him as he leaves, crawling out my door.
“You’re such an inspiration for the words I chose not to hear. Run like you killed someone, should i cling to the rosary?- I cry for you my shadow. Do you believe in me, my dear?..”