Couldn't fathom that I’d ever be without your love. sitting here by myself- what I wouldn’t give..
.. to have you by my side.
you own the place- where all of my thoughts go hiding when there’s nowhere else to turn to, somewhere i can feel safe with a friendly face and open arms. i lose myself in your gaze and love who i become- only now it’s back to the same routine of waking up at dawn, rolling out of bed- to face new people, all of who will eventually make the same mistakes- and i’m not sure we can stand the change. i’ve grown comfortable with seeing you everyday- having a reason to wake up in the morning. i’ve lost my phobia of caring for another human being because of what you’ve showed me. sitting here- watching all of these people leaving, in fear of failure, i have a shoulder to lean on now- my shelter, your love. there’s nothing like your smile- so much like the sun, in a world of strangers- it’s the one i want to see every night.
lately it seems that more and more blackouts have been showing up, more days when you can’t control your feelings- with your blood pressure dropping, heads spinning and Wiccan’s threatening you. it’s frightening for both of us- and if i feel this way simply because i’m there to comfort you, i can’t even begin to imagine what you must feel like. at least we seem to have found a way to repel most of your ‘rages’ though the methods aren’t and never will be my first choice, they work- and in a way, it’s keeping both of us together, safe. apparently i can get through to you during the blackouts and night sweats, where as anybody else who has tried in the past has ended up with painful reminders that they couldn’t reason with you. i meant what i said, and for once i genuinely care and worry myself sick over whether or not you’ll make it through the night. in a way, i feel accomplished- because together we’ve been keeping all of these things away, last night you proved that what we have is different than everybody else’s relationship, and though it was scary, i’d much rather you snap out of a daze because i show some signs of emotion- rather than a high-pitched noise. i’m binded to different people, spread out all throughout the country, and i can feel them every day- anyone who’s been around me for a while, has learned to listen to my gut feeling, but since you live fifteen minutes away, and have more ‘unusual’ events occurring every day, it makes sense that we share a closer bond than that of me and the rest of them. we keep each other balanced, both emotionally- and spiritually; i’m afraid that one of these days, one of us won’t be able to keep the balance anymore, and that we’ll both be affected by it.
someone pointed out one thing about me that will “end up wrecking” whatever we may achieve later on- it’s never enough. i can admit it, i have my heart set on perfection in an imperfect, impossible world and all it’s done so far is found new ways to disappoint me. sometimes it’s simply easier to live a lie, improvising your next move- and whether we like the results or not, atleast we took the jump.
i saw an entry in another’s journal- dejavu, and she was right. there are many things, many things i won’t admit because i’m afraid to hurt myself- not only them. nothing has been going on these past few days between us, and it’s your choice as to whether or not you believe me. it doesn’t matter- for i know the difference between what’s a lie, and when i’m telling the truth. this week has been filled with jealousy, and foreign feelings from every direction that i may run to- i cannot, and will not give in again. yesterday jennifer spent the day with me up until dinner, jenise was brought over along with her and we all went to the pool, meeting with christina and michelle. all of us- in my opinion, felt slightly closed off until we did some 'bonding' and the feelings of being put off completely went away. as for this person's journal entry- i wish that the three of us would get along, it's hard to see that one of the two most important people in my life feels this way- and that i can't do anything about it no matter how hard i may try. she is crucial to me, i'll admit to that, but so are you- please try to comprehend my position in this. on another note- leishla admitted something very personal to me, two things really- it’s flattering, and confusing at the same time that i'm the only one who knows and that she has that amount of confidence in me. now she’s moving the day before my birthday, and i regret not getting to know her even more, we both seem to feel closest now- out of the friends i choose not to share emotions with, these feelings sound strange- but i can relate. she says that i remind her of her best friend, as she reminds me of one of mine, maybe that’s not something to go on- but it isn’t the only reason why i care about her, so i don’t feel that guilty. i know the feeling is of mutual trust, and respect.
it all sounds so different now, to experience it as well as feeling it- not only dreaming of a better day.
she came to me two nights ago- and it’s scary how casual everything was, as if we’d never fought, never argued, and still had just as much love to give for one another as we did before- no more, and no less. i guess that i should be grateful, after a while i suppose that this is best. it’s been almost a year now and it’s getting harder to remember you as the days go by- how could i have let myself forget, i know that i should’ve fought harder, but i didn’t try. and now i have to deal with the consequences. thank you for the sign. we fell asleep just as we used to years ago, when we where little and still dealing with problems that no three-year old should ever have to face. i loved the familiar feeling it sent running through my body. i felt again for about a minute what things where like when it was only me and you- nothing else to get in the way, nothing to care about besides the two of us, laying there- whether we where crying or laughing- this time i did a little bit of both, you only embraced me, and smiled. you came to me just in time to remind me that we will never let go, either one of us, not only because we can’t- but it’s not our choice to back out anymore. as much as i may try to hide it- you are, and always will be next to me, whether i can see you or not, i will feel you holding on.
i’ve been pondering what this year will be like since she came to me- all the people i saw again made me realize, i already know what will happen to them. tell me lies, do something clever that will let me hate the thought of them.. i never needed anything except a bottle of Bacardi at my bedside, i feel more comfortable inside my shell now as it is anyways. it’s nice to meet the girl waiting to be let out, i wish you all the best of luck but i have better things to do now. new people who have shown me the light in a closed-in space u was dieing to crawl out of. so in love with yourselves- i won’t repeat this routine anymore, i refuse.. to talk to you all is so much harder, so what’s the point of trying when there’s nothing left to gain? i keep promising myself that things will change- my persona, my ideals, some loose morals i’ve yet to admit to; so it will this time, no looking back. it’s time to hide from the world any hopes that might’ve existed under thick skin at some point in this lifetime, i don’t trust my ‘luck’ whenever i’m around you anymore.
two days left until another year of my life slips away, and i can count everything that i have gained- but won’t bother with the things that i’ve lost.
“use your eyes only to look at me. use your mouth only to kiss my lips. we are branches of the same old tree. you can laugh- only if you laugh for me. only cry- if you’ll cry for me. don’t forget that you’re condemned to me, you always where- and always will be…”