Jan 19, 2006 16:15
if i have time to procrastinate, i have time for others. but oftentimes, i just want to be alone. or in the company of people--but alone. strange how i've spent most of my life actually being alone and disliking that feeling but recently i've been frequently craving it. perhaps it has to do with my restricted use of the internet. i have none in my apartment, and after 2 weeks i'm meeting this opportunity in the library to check my mail, look up info, and blog with a bit of apprehension. but this is a habit. the irony doesn't escape me.
"I heard you went to China*"
"yeah." (flashback of the random things i'd seen)
"well..?"
"it was... interesting." (thinking back to all the experiences and melange of feelings associated that seem too large or esoteric to put into words)
"really? how?"
"umm.. it was just different. oh hey, i heard that you..." (giving up)
*insert similar innocuous question as per preference
this is the domain of the secret self. i can find myself written down in letters, notes, diaries, blogs, thoughts, greasy napkins, on the margins and backs of old assignments etc, but rarely do those thoughts get up out of the text and manifest themselves in less personal forms of communication. usually, they just wander off after being noted and recorded, never to emerge again as anything interesting to be utilized in communication with others. sometimes, the musings are deemed too trivial, and disappear forever. quite often, an experience and its meaning will stay with me for weeks. although it seems that i am silent and have forgotten, those memories will be fueling my heart with feelings of love, anxiety, sadness, hate, etc. i've begun to wonder whether i've been cheating some of my friends and family out of knowing how important they are? anybody who tries to befriend a stone is going to get discouraged when it doesn't answer. (except during, of course, the pet rock craze)
i think i know why (not knowing isn't that unusual) i avoid putting anything of meaning in here. this cannot be the medium for proper communication. it takes the awkwardness out of speech, gives time to the complete formation of thoughts, and either trivializes things that are important or magnifies mere nothings into statuesque proportions. oh yeah, and it's just weird to talk about stuff you read online. did you really hear it if the person didn't say it? isn't it a half-conversation if you both spend time discussing what one wrote already? it just seems odd to know people better through text than you could ever imagine in real life. but i am undeniably guilty of that. it's not very different from holding a friend closer to your heart than you would ever admit or allow out loud, or in action.