paranoia paranoia everybody's coming to GET me...
Paranoia, we meet again...
It's been some time since I last felt this stained. O.o It's something between the way my elbows feel like their missing, my mind being clear, my eyes stuck on wide mode, and this unbalanced falling over thing...
And it nearly always involves my Dadae. If I go into our 'meeting' still feeling like this there is a 90% possibility that it'll turn ugly. It's just a pattern I've picked up on. For whatever reason that he becomes upset, if I'm like this it perpetuates.
I have no bloody idea how to change it, either. That's the main problem. I've never been good at not being scared when I know someone else will have more control of a situation than me. I dislike leaving myself open so that it can happen in the first place.
I did it last night. I emailed him so that I could initiate whatever sequence he found necessary to finish this task. I did it like that because it'd be too bunched up on paper and he'd still be able to respond to me easily and set something up.
Naturally, this means I didn't sleep well at all last night, sick or no. Yucky. So I stayed up all night reading what I DO own of Norse mythology X'D ...a bit of an odd choice knowing how paranoid I am and how they view life! ::sigh::
Should children be scared of their parents this much? I don't even have a REASON to be like this with my father...
At any rate, he asked me to be home early. home early? And he wrote it in that way he does when he's upset with me. I don't know what to think. I know he'd want to discuss it with me just based on what I asked alone... but... grah.
This is the moment I realize I want to bash my head in a wall. This is the moment I tell myself I've gotten over bashing my head in a wall. This is the moment I smirk and remember the closet yesterday at Cesia's, where I bashed my head in the door.
I'm scared.
For what it's worth, I'm terrified.
I did this to myself. It's not even anything most people would think twice doing, but it terrifies me. The easy way to deal with the situation would be to do directly as he says. My way involves me panicking, disappearing, reappearing, and not knowing if I wanna go through with it.
If the job topic comes up too, I'm toast. Srsly. What do I say to that? I just wanted, for once, to ask for help from my father, and I got a curt and brief response.
I shouldn't ask for help in the first place.
That's what I feel about the whole mess. And he's spent hours trying to tell me that I can. And that I need to, and that I shouldn't get in the situations I do and then leave it all to myself. But this is how I get mentally when I don't. I'm far better off crashing and burning than I am dragging others into the fray.
The funny thing about all this, is I can't SAY he'll certainly help me, but he probably will.
And I dishonor him by reacting like this... jeebuz.
Do you see where my way of thinking is uber LAAAME?
It's been some time since I last felt this stained. O.o It's something between the way my elbows feel like their missing, my mind being clear, my eyes stuck on wide mode, and this unbalanced falling over thing...
And it nearly always involves my Dadae. If I go into our 'meeting' still feeling like this there is a 90% possibility that it'll turn ugly. It's just a pattern I've picked up on. For whatever reason that he becomes upset, if I'm like this it perpetuates.
I have no bloody idea how to change it, either. That's the main problem. I've never been good at not being scared when I know someone else will have more control of a situation than me. I dislike leaving myself open so that it can happen in the first place.
I did it last night. I emailed him so that I could initiate whatever sequence he found necessary to finish this task. I did it like that because it'd be too bunched up on paper and he'd still be able to respond to me easily and set something up.
Naturally, this means I didn't sleep well at all last night, sick or no. Yucky. So I stayed up all night reading what I DO own of Norse mythology X'D ...a bit of an odd choice knowing how paranoid I am and how they view life! ::sigh::
Should children be scared of their parents this much? I don't even have a REASON to be like this with my father...
At any rate, he asked me to be home early. home early? And he wrote it in that way he does when he's upset with me. I don't know what to think. I know he'd want to discuss it with me just based on what I asked alone... but... grah.
This is the moment I realize I want to bash my head in a wall. This is the moment I tell myself I've gotten over bashing my head in a wall. This is the moment I smirk and remember the closet yesterday at Cesia's, where I bashed my head in the door.
I'm scared.
For what it's worth, I'm terrified.
I did this to myself. It's not even anything most people would think twice doing, but it terrifies me. The easy way to deal with the situation would be to do directly as he says. My way involves me panicking, disappearing, reappearing, and not knowing if I wanna go through with it.
If the job topic comes up too, I'm toast. Srsly. What do I say to that? I just wanted, for once, to ask for help from my father, and I got a curt and brief response.
I shouldn't ask for help in the first place.
That's what I feel about the whole mess. And he's spent hours trying to tell me that I can. And that I need to, and that I shouldn't get in the situations I do and then leave it all to myself. But this is how I get mentally when I don't. I'm far better off crashing and burning than I am dragging others into the fray.
The funny thing about all this, is I can't SAY he'll certainly help me, but he probably will.
And I dishonor him by reacting like this... jeebuz.
Do you see where my way of thinking is uber LAAAME?