It's 4:03, and I can't sleep...
... without you next to me, I toss and turn like the sea... if I drown tonight, bring me back to life, breathe your breath in me, the only thing that I still believe in is you... if you only knew.
It's been forever (again) since I've written in this journal, but I started writing this one because of what I'm going through, and it brought me to LiveJournal again.
You see, last week, I had a breakdown. The day before Thanksgiving, in fact. I started bawling my eyes out, and it's all because of one person: Amanda.
Here's the situation. I love Amanda with all my heart, even if she doesn't want to be with me. Throughout our relationship, I slipped. I messed up. I made mistakes. I'm at fault for the marriage failing because I didn't live up to my duties as a man. Instead, I fell short and let her and my children down.
I realized last week that I'd been wallowing in self-pity for so long that it's no wonder Amanda wouldn't want to have anything to do with me. Instead of supporting her and the children, I've been selfish and sorry for myself. Instead of being a man, I've been a child that needed his hand held through every step of the day. And I don't like that image. I don't like that feeling of being helpless, either.
My pre-New Year's Resolution is this: I'm working myself out of this pit of despair and I'm going to find a way back into Amanda's arms. The most important thing to me right now are the children, and while Amanda is doing an excellent job as their mother, I know they need a father in their lives, and definitely one that isn't a letdown. I need to be a role model to my children, and yes, I know it's been a long time coming, but I had to grow up and find that for myself. Why didn't I find this out years before anything happened to my marriage? I don't know... I became complacent and settled for what I was, even though it wasn't my best.
So now I'm working on getting back to Arkansas, getting a job, getting a place, and working my way up the ladder to Amanda's heart. I know it's not going to happen over the course of a day or even a month, but I'm going to prove to Amanda that our marriage should have never been dissolved, and I'm going to prove to her that I'm the husband that I should have been, and the father I always said I was (but didn't show).
I love Amanda too much to let her go that easily anymore. And truth be told, I cannot love another person as fiercely as I've loved Amanda, and I cannot even begin another relationship until I've exhausted my options with Amanda. At the very least, even if I wanted to be in another relationship, I'm far from ready for it because I have to prove to myself that I can even handle it. The title of my journal, "I Open My Eyes" has a new meaning now. Amanda, I'm coming home, and I'm about to come alive.
It's been forever (again) since I've written in this journal, but I started writing this one because of what I'm going through, and it brought me to LiveJournal again.
You see, last week, I had a breakdown. The day before Thanksgiving, in fact. I started bawling my eyes out, and it's all because of one person: Amanda.
Here's the situation. I love Amanda with all my heart, even if she doesn't want to be with me. Throughout our relationship, I slipped. I messed up. I made mistakes. I'm at fault for the marriage failing because I didn't live up to my duties as a man. Instead, I fell short and let her and my children down.
I realized last week that I'd been wallowing in self-pity for so long that it's no wonder Amanda wouldn't want to have anything to do with me. Instead of supporting her and the children, I've been selfish and sorry for myself. Instead of being a man, I've been a child that needed his hand held through every step of the day. And I don't like that image. I don't like that feeling of being helpless, either.
My pre-New Year's Resolution is this: I'm working myself out of this pit of despair and I'm going to find a way back into Amanda's arms. The most important thing to me right now are the children, and while Amanda is doing an excellent job as their mother, I know they need a father in their lives, and definitely one that isn't a letdown. I need to be a role model to my children, and yes, I know it's been a long time coming, but I had to grow up and find that for myself. Why didn't I find this out years before anything happened to my marriage? I don't know... I became complacent and settled for what I was, even though it wasn't my best.
So now I'm working on getting back to Arkansas, getting a job, getting a place, and working my way up the ladder to Amanda's heart. I know it's not going to happen over the course of a day or even a month, but I'm going to prove to Amanda that our marriage should have never been dissolved, and I'm going to prove to her that I'm the husband that I should have been, and the father I always said I was (but didn't show).
I love Amanda too much to let her go that easily anymore. And truth be told, I cannot love another person as fiercely as I've loved Amanda, and I cannot even begin another relationship until I've exhausted my options with Amanda. At the very least, even if I wanted to be in another relationship, I'm far from ready for it because I have to prove to myself that I can even handle it. The title of my journal, "I Open My Eyes" has a new meaning now. Amanda, I'm coming home, and I'm about to come alive.