rockin' out to the bright sunshine.
its so hard to be emo when the sun is shining.
hahahahaha.
anyways. i'm rockin' out here to some eisley, which is probably the hottest band, in a long time.
last night emm and i hung out w/ dutch, wich was great, i always love seeing the kid...he's just so damn funny.
god there were alot of people at foothills last night.
1. vallero anna some other girl, i didnt know. that was weird, especially since a) i havent seen anna since forever, and b) i have been trying to hang out w/ that kid for days. actually , no, but still. anways, they showed up and talked to us for a while, then got popsicles. they came back and i realized those green popsicles looked damn good. lucky bastards.
2. melendez hawaii. hHAHAHAH. haha. wow. well first we saw them walking towards the big group of us (dutch me emm anna other girl vallero) while we were takling, and they came around the corner, got a look at me and emm w/ other people, and turned around and walked the other way. dutch and i were planning on stalking them the rest of the night, but that just didnt work out. lmao. so they were walkin' around and stuff, and then they kinda dissapeared when we stopped caring, which wasnt after very long. then we went and layed on the basketball courts, and when emm had the brilliant idea to go sit on melendez's driveway, they were to where to be found. so we sat across the street for liek, 20 minutes, waiting for them. and just as we stopped looking and went around the corner to swing, look who we see. chris and mrs. hawaii practically hidding in the shadows near the foothills sign. it was truly, truly, a sight to be seen. anyways, we figured they had went to hide there until we left so they could sneak home. and they worst part about it is...THEYRE NEXT DOOR NEIGHBORS. (hey, is my spelling ok? lmao.).
3. a few random 5-7th graders having a waterfight. i've never stalked someone before. and last night, i broke that, because we freaked the shit out of these little boys. emm, dutch and i stood about 50 yards away from these kids, standing in the shadows, emm w/ her hood on, me w/ my glow in the dark sweatshirt holding a mik gallon or w/e, and dutch... staring. they started to notice us and were pointing us out to the other kids. it was crazy to watch the realization spread throught the group. really, it was. so after they ran away (around the corner,) we followed them. we turn the next corner and they all fucking scatter- running, like little girls. it was really quite entertaining. and the best part was that most of them ran up dark horse, where we had to go eventually to get home. so we ventured up, and just... yeah. it was a good time.
back to the emo shit.
sometimes i forget what i did to myself.
oh...yeah.
i dont hurt anymore.
i lied.
its hard to be happy with shit like this.
holy fuck, what mood AM i in? am i happy, or am i sad? i had a blast last night, but now, i just can't crack a smile. this is not going to work.
i'm hesitant to even post this, because of what i'll get. should i?
no i shouldnt. yes- i should.
please, dont make me cry.
but on a lighter note, haha, i got a kickass postcard from my brother yesterday. i love him so god damned much. honestly.
i love him. but i love him not being here, too.
that means i can steal all of his cds, put them on my ipod, and return them before he even knows they were gone.
but i love just sitting in his room. because its all so... its just- its so beautifully painful. i never thought it would be this hard without him.
but it is, it is so fucking hard.
i wasnt prepared for this.
i wasnt prepared for this.
I WASNT FUCKING PREPARED.
i'm ok, i promise. don't you dare worry- i'm going to be ok.
please.
please, just dont.
please ?
i dont know what i'm saying. so, don't listen. because i'm choking on my words, throwing them up and putting them on the page, this dirty, revolting page. one second i'm happy, the next i want to die. i know i CAN be happy, but is it that... i don't want to be happy? everything seems fine, but nothing really is. theres so much to worry about, and yet no one to worry about me. i think i'm going to make this friends only, as soon as i figure out how to. help, anyone? lol. i'm writting more and more whats ON my mind, not what i think i should be telling you. which is good, right? it makes for good reading, no?. i want to tell you i'm sorry. i want to scream it in your face and cry away my pain- your pain. and i want to pretend this, us, never happened. lets start it over, because it has gone so damn bad. please, i never ment to hurt you- just... just. no more words. p.s. this- us, me, you- it just isnt going to last.