FAN FIC: Terminator - Questioning Fate {2}
Title: Questioning Fate
Author: Syrai
Rating: PG-13 for now anyway (for language)
Pairings: Kate/John/Original character triangle, sort of
Status: WIP
Summary: Judgment Day never came but now, 2006 it's about to. To prevent it from happening is another person sent through time to help John Connor and his wife. But what is going on and what are the real reasons behind Robin York's actions?
Author's Note: Song's Staind's 'So far away'. Feedback drives me forward :)
QUESTIONING FATE
// Chapter 2
...now that we're here,
it's so far away
all the struggle we thought was in vain
all the mistakes,
one life contained
they all finally start to go away
now that we're here its so far away
and I feel like I can face the day I can forgive...
Mahatma Gandhi once said: ‘Be the change you want to see in the world.’ I guess that has always been my motto of some kind. Like right now I’m trying my best to live by his words, but it’s too damn hard when you don’t really know what you should do and how exactly you should do it. Then again, truth to be told I do know what my purpose here is; why I’m here and for what I’m aiming at, but the real problem is I’m not sure how to achieve my goal. Or, if I truly want to achieve it. Death is not what I’m afraid of, I’m as good as dead already, but losing him scares the shit out of me. Of course I guess I should first ask if he ever was mine to lose. Tough one.
It doesn’t matter anymore. Long time ago I finally realized that when there’s nothing else left, will is what keeps your heart beating and forces you forward. Not the love you receive and certainly not the love you give - power of will. It’s because of that specific will that I’m driving around the city with a stolen car - BMW to be exact - trying to remember everything John ever told me which actually isn’t that difficult. Every word he ever said seems to be painted in my mind and soul; all I gotta do is find the right memory along with the right words. I need to get my act together before I can jump into the action so that I can succeed. ‘Good soldier is always prepared’ - John taught that to all of us. Always be prepared. Oh well, at least he taught us well, maybe that’ll keep me alive if nothing else does.
So that’s why I’m going around the city in circles, browsing through my memory step by step. The bits I remember bring me automatically into the conclusion that I should find Kate’s father, a man called Robert Brewster. But even the thought of meeting that legendary man makes me want go back to where I came from. According to John, he was the one who almost activated Skynet at the first time; the one who was about to open Pandora’s Box and because of that, I’m not sure I wanna meet him. I’m afraid I’d only end up kicking his ass even though he never had the time to actually activate Skynet; yet he remains a part of the reason why I lost everything I ever hold dear. That much I know when it comes to the reasons behind the war, everything else is a bit blurry. None of us knows exactly what happened, not even John, which is not only worrying but scary too. As Sarah said, there’s nothing her father doesn’t know - at least there shouldn’t be.
Focus Robin, focus!
Damnit, my mind is dwelling upon facts I don’t have time to be thinking of! I shake my head trying to force those meaningless details out of my consciousness but I can’t escape my random thoughts. There’s too much on my mind right now. I’ve never been good with holding back my emotions - I’m not a machine. Suddenly, I need to stop the car and close my eyes for a moment so I pull over taking a deep breath. Where am I? One look around tells me I’m in front of some sort of movie theatre - still in Los Angeles of course.
"Idiot."
I never understood why John decided to stay here - it's so easy for anyone, especially for a Terminator to find him. He tried to explain me once but I couldn't hear any of the words he spoke, apart from the whole Kate-part I mean. He had stayed here with Kate and of course, for Kate that much I heard. "Idiot", I say again but not because of with whom he stayed but because why he stayed.
I never understood why John decided to stay here - it’s so easy for anyone, especially for a Terminator to find him. He tried to explain to me once but I couldn’t hear any of the words he spoke, apart from the whole Kate-part I mean. He had stayed here with Kate and of course, for Kate that much I heard. “Idiot,” I say again but not because of with whom he stayed but because why he stayed.
I know I should just let it go, I shouldn’t have these kinds of feelings towards Kate - I shouldn’t hate her over things she cannot control; over things she hasn’t even done yet but I do. Most of all I hate her for dying like that and leaving John and the kids alone. She was the reason why he stayed, so that she could be close to her family. If it had been me, I would’ve given up everything to keep him safe and I wouldn’t have chosen to stay and be the bait. The fact that nothing happened to them doesn’t change the fact that something could’ve happened. My blood is boiling, I can feel it rushing through my body from head to toe and I squeeze the wheel with all my power. He should’ve moved far away from this place; he should’ve cut all his old contacts and he should’ve bloody hell known better! Of course, I’m in no position to tell it to his face. I never was and never will be. I don’t know for sure what his life was like, all I know is what he told me.
Though, I must say I did tell him what I thought once, don’t know what came over me. I was mad at everyone that day and when he came to me and tried to cheer me up, I took it out on him. Told him how stupid he was for staying here jeopardizing his life along with the whole future. Told him how stupid he is if he thinks the war will ever see an end. He did smack some sense into me; not literally though. He grabbed my arms, forced me to stay still and said with that deep, electric voice of his that the great John Connor stayed in Los Angeles and survived, I should be grateful, he added which made me wanna try and punch his side. I tried actually, but he pushed me away before my fist actually connected with his ribs. Bastard. Fine, yeah, I should be grateful. But I’m not. I’m angry at him for risking his future like that - risking ours. And what am I doing now? Putting our future together in line. Irony of life I’d say.
Focus damnit!
I close my eyes and take another deep breath trying to focus again. I'm not cold anymore but the feeling of warmth these clothes brought is slowly starting to vanish… It feels so weird to wear clean jeans and warm suede jacket over a white t-shirt. They smell clean too; clean clothes are heaven on earth… Clothes… Gloria.
She was nice to me. Didn't ask a single question expect for whether I believe in God or not - and she did let me eat and use her shower too. Not to mention she also gave me these though they belonged to her daughter, Kelly. She said Kelly wouldn't mind at all which made me wonder. As always my curiosity got the better of me and I asked where she was, this daughter of hers but she couldn't tell for sure. What I got was a sad sigh, shrug and short explanation: she had been seduced by the dark side - drugs. I didn't comment on her words anyway, just said I'm sorry to hear that. She thanked me and we changed the subject.
The urge to give a disappointed laugh is too much - I snort out loud. She's probably gonna die soon - I doubt she'll be one of the survivors you know, which is unfortunate cause she's exactly the kind of spirit we'd need. Strong, capable and damn independent - Perhaps a bit too old for the Resistance but nevertheless. Then again, is there such thing as too old when it comes to this war?
If I could only stop it, I could be the change this world needs…
Robert. I need to find Robert Brewster if I want something to actually happen - or rather, not to happen.
After I finally get a grip I start the car again.
//
This day could not be any worse now could it? No - One can only take so much crap for one day and for now I'm starting to be full of it. First the whole issue with the baby, though of course I had suspected that for few days at least. Then this. The minute I saw her with my father I knew she'd break his heart, eventually. I know the type: young, hot, a thousand dollar smile and extremely expensive taste. This is something I never saw coming. The way he spoke of her made me believe she was some gentle woman on her 40s but I obviously thought wrong. No wonder he didn't introduce her earlier. How old was she again? Only few years older than me? For crying out loud what is wrong with my father? Does he not realize this woman he claims to be, the new bright love of his life, is just using him! He might be good-looking for his age but this is not possible - 'they' are not possible! Just look at her! My mind is screaming and I want to hit the wall next to me to gain their attention. The way she smiles to him, wraps her arms around his neck makes me sick and, oh God, I don't even want to know what she's saying to him! All I want is her to get her dirty hands away from my father and choke on her food. Oh, and what about that miniskirt? Could it be any shorter? Honestly, could she wear any less?
Argh.
A frown wrinkles my forehead. Damnit. Maybe I should just calm down and let my father take care of himself? Of course. I know I should but I can't just close my eyes and pretend she isn't there.
"Come on hon, those icy stares ain't making any difference here," John says sounding amused. How dare he look at me like that not to mention smiling like that. He's obviously not realizing how serious the situation is if he thinks there's something funny in it. "Just look at her!" I say through gritted teeth and he glances over his shoulder. "Yeah, so? Hate to break this to you but I've seen females before."
"Are you trying to get slapped?"
"I dunno, am I?" He answers my question with a question, which he knows to be one of those things that annoys me. Man, why is everything so damn difficult today? "I think you are."
Even though I still haven't taken my eyes off of my father, I notice how John's face suddenly becomes serious. I'm obviously getting on his nerves which is no wonder; I'm getting on my own nerves as well.
"Kate, what's your problem this time?" He asks observing my expressions to get some kind of hint of what's going on in my mind. To prevent him of getting that, I look away but before I know it he grabs my chin gently forcing me to look at him.
"Kate?" His voice is not only questioning but demanding too. Surely, these are the moments when the future John Connor peaks out and I get a glimpse of what he'll be like. Whether I like what I see is a whole different story to tell.
"What'd ya think?" I snarl throwing a death glare over his shoulder. My reaction seems to make him amused again because his eyes are sparkling with laughter and his lips twist into knowing smile. "Hmm, the young hot blonde in your father's arms?"
"Yeah," I reply with malicious voice which I hope would shut him up or at least get him to change the tone. My icy tone however doesn't seem to bother him. "Give it a rest honey."
Give it a rest?
"The hell I will."
I can see John's not happy with the reaction he received a second ago but I don't care, too tired to care. What am I supposed to do? Let that woman eat my father alive? I don't know if he was waiting for me to nod in agreement and bow my head down or something but he's not getting his way with this one.
"Look, your father is old enough to take care of himself. He doesn't need you to baby-sit him nor does he have to ask your permission to date. And she's obviously making him happy which is something he should be. After all, this shit he deserves that, don't you think?"
"Yeah, he should be happy but Christ, John, not with the last year's prom queen."
The answer he gets makes him shake his head accepting the fact there's no way he can make me like her. I don't miss my mother that much or anything but I just simply don't like her. "Okay maybe we should say goodnight and just go home? You're giving me a headache with this whining."
I don't make any witty remark even though I sure want to. Whining? I can feel my eyes narrowing dangerously. For that he's going to sleep on the couch at least two nights starting today!
"So, we gonna go?" He asks and I just nod. Nothing else I can do at the moment - I love my father but I can't stand the idea of staying here with those two. I try to calm down by telling myself this is just some phase father's going through. He'll get over it and realize how ridiculous it is for him to date a woman who's just passed her teenage years. She's not in fact a woman, she is a girl!
I let John push me slowly towards my father and the closer we get the more I try to smile. I hear the words John says but they refuse to register into my mind. Something about me not feeling so well and early morning.
"You alright dear?" Dad looks at me worriedly. "Yeah, I'm fine - just a little headache that's all." I hate to lie to him and I've never been good in it either. He looks at me again but this time I can see a glimpse of doubt in his eyes. He knows something's wrong. "Well, too bad", I hear the girly voice saying. For crying out loud, don't pretend you're not happy to get rid of me. I don't like you and you must know it.
"Yes, it was nice to meet you finally." Oh please. Those words were forced out of my mouth and they sound a bit colder than I meant to for which I'm sorry, actually. For my father's sake. I hug my father tightly without saying a word, hoping the smile would make him forget his doubts and after that, I shake her hand giving her a polite smile. That's the least I can do, I suppose.
"We'll get together some other time, surely, won't we?" she asks trying to sound more British than what she actually is and even though I feel the unbearable desire to grab her shoulders and throw her against the wall I just smile nodding. "Yeah, of course." I can't understand how a person I've met just three, four hours ago can bring the worst out in me. I'm not a violent person. I'm social yes, a bit sarcastic too and stubborn but what I'm not, is violent. Only when it comes to machines.
The minute I sit into the car I remember the baby again. As if she - Elizabeth, Ellie Ridley, the name of my nightmare, wouldn't be enough for one day. God, I feel like my head is going to explode if I think another thought. With all the stuff going on, the future war I know will happen though John tries so hard to calm me down, I can't have this baby. I can't. That's decided then. If John wasn't sitting next to me, I'd cry my eyes out but instead I bite my lip as hard as I can to prevent the tears running down my cheeks.
"So ya want to tell me what the hell was that all about?"
I snap out of my thoughts as I hear the words but I don't turn to look at him. I keep staring through the window trying to swallow the tears because if I start talking like this, I'll cry no doubt.
Raindrops. I hadn't notice it was raining.
"Kate?" his demanding voice interrupts my thoughts again and this time I glance at him.
"What?" I finally reply - I can see his jaw tensing.
"I asked you something."
"Oh, did you?" Obviously, I'm pushing him towards the edge by every word I say but I can't help it. I'm tired and pissed off, not to mention sad because of the decision I had to make. If I had waited another day my decision would've been a lot harder to make because deep down in me, I know I'm doing wrong. I should talk to him first but I know what he'd say and I can't go through that.
"Yeah I did. Don't play with me Brewster - What was the scene back at your father's?"
"Excuse-me!" I let out a shriek fidgeting on my seat. "I didn't make any scene. I was being really polite in case you didn't notice."
"I'm serious." Yeah, I know he is. The tone of his voice tells it alone but I'm in no mood to give up the game. "You've been weird for days and I'd like to know what's going on."
Sure you would. "Nothing!"
"I don't believe you Kate."
"I don't need you to believe me." My own words hit the air out of my lungs. It's a lie and we both know it. I need him, more than anything in the world and I think he feels the same about me. Whatever made me actually say those words out loud, I don't know. The feeling of wanting to hurt him, to make him feel as bad as I do I guess. But I love him, how can I do this to a person I love? Ellie Ridley, I blame her.
"Then what'd you need me for?" The question spoken with almost casual voice makes me shiver and I answer even before I notice it. "Honestly John, I don't know anymore." To that, he doesn't say anything. What's there to say really? I can see how his hands squeeze the wheel and suddenly, I feel like wanting to take it all back. I didn't mean it, really, I didn't. "Look honey", I start trying to ease the situation. "I love you, I probably always will but this all - it's too much, it's killing me."
He doesn't even glance at me when he speaks again and the cold tone he uses makes my shoulders collapse. "The war you mean."
"Yeah." This time my answer is not playful and challenging. "Look, I've told you, we can stop it."
If things weren't as they are, I would laugh. Though he's supposed to be some sort of leader he sure can act like a naïve little boy from time to time. Whether he says it because he truly believes it or just to make me calmer is entirely another matter. Oh yeah, he keeps saying that but he can't be sure. "That's what you've said for two years," I say. "As you know we can postpone it sure, we've been there but eventually it'll happen. Two years from now, ten years from now - who gives a damn? It'll happen."
"And?" He questions but I don't know what he expects me to answer. "You aren't gonna be any safer no matter with whom you are."
"I know that. But I can't help wondering what our life would be…" Before I can even complete my sentence he starts to speak again.
"-That's just it Kate, there wouldn't be 'our life' if we hadn't met."
I sigh. "Naturally but what I meant is that if you weren't the one who's supposed to lead the Resistance, our lives could be so different. We could have normal life and children"- my heart skips a beat - "without having to teach them how to fight from the day they are born. Without having to tell them all those horror stories you've told me."
"Yeah, I wish that too but you know it's not possible."
Exactly my point. "And that's the problem here."
"It's gonna be alright, trust me." Isn't that what they always say? And then they live happily ever after?
He turns to look at me and I can't help but smile. I mean how could you not to smile when those eyes look into your eyes? Every vibrate of your being feels loved and wanted… and the only thing shadowing your happiness are your own lies. I feel the look in my eyes grow sad and I turn to look at the road in front of us before he does to prevent him from seeing it. The yell comes out of my mouth before I even realize what's happening.
"John, look out!!"
----
Find all the chappies through QUESTIONING FATE tags.
Author: Syrai
Rating: PG-13 for now anyway (for language)
Pairings: Kate/John/Original character triangle, sort of
Status: WIP
Summary: Judgment Day never came but now, 2006 it's about to. To prevent it from happening is another person sent through time to help John Connor and his wife. But what is going on and what are the real reasons behind Robin York's actions?
Author's Note: Song's Staind's 'So far away'. Feedback drives me forward :)
QUESTIONING FATE
// Chapter 2
...now that we're here,
it's so far away
all the struggle we thought was in vain
all the mistakes,
one life contained
they all finally start to go away
now that we're here its so far away
and I feel like I can face the day I can forgive...
Mahatma Gandhi once said: ‘Be the change you want to see in the world.’ I guess that has always been my motto of some kind. Like right now I’m trying my best to live by his words, but it’s too damn hard when you don’t really know what you should do and how exactly you should do it. Then again, truth to be told I do know what my purpose here is; why I’m here and for what I’m aiming at, but the real problem is I’m not sure how to achieve my goal. Or, if I truly want to achieve it. Death is not what I’m afraid of, I’m as good as dead already, but losing him scares the shit out of me. Of course I guess I should first ask if he ever was mine to lose. Tough one.
It doesn’t matter anymore. Long time ago I finally realized that when there’s nothing else left, will is what keeps your heart beating and forces you forward. Not the love you receive and certainly not the love you give - power of will. It’s because of that specific will that I’m driving around the city with a stolen car - BMW to be exact - trying to remember everything John ever told me which actually isn’t that difficult. Every word he ever said seems to be painted in my mind and soul; all I gotta do is find the right memory along with the right words. I need to get my act together before I can jump into the action so that I can succeed. ‘Good soldier is always prepared’ - John taught that to all of us. Always be prepared. Oh well, at least he taught us well, maybe that’ll keep me alive if nothing else does.
So that’s why I’m going around the city in circles, browsing through my memory step by step. The bits I remember bring me automatically into the conclusion that I should find Kate’s father, a man called Robert Brewster. But even the thought of meeting that legendary man makes me want go back to where I came from. According to John, he was the one who almost activated Skynet at the first time; the one who was about to open Pandora’s Box and because of that, I’m not sure I wanna meet him. I’m afraid I’d only end up kicking his ass even though he never had the time to actually activate Skynet; yet he remains a part of the reason why I lost everything I ever hold dear. That much I know when it comes to the reasons behind the war, everything else is a bit blurry. None of us knows exactly what happened, not even John, which is not only worrying but scary too. As Sarah said, there’s nothing her father doesn’t know - at least there shouldn’t be.
Focus Robin, focus!
Damnit, my mind is dwelling upon facts I don’t have time to be thinking of! I shake my head trying to force those meaningless details out of my consciousness but I can’t escape my random thoughts. There’s too much on my mind right now. I’ve never been good with holding back my emotions - I’m not a machine. Suddenly, I need to stop the car and close my eyes for a moment so I pull over taking a deep breath. Where am I? One look around tells me I’m in front of some sort of movie theatre - still in Los Angeles of course.
"Idiot."
I never understood why John decided to stay here - it's so easy for anyone, especially for a Terminator to find him. He tried to explain me once but I couldn't hear any of the words he spoke, apart from the whole Kate-part I mean. He had stayed here with Kate and of course, for Kate that much I heard. "Idiot", I say again but not because of with whom he stayed but because why he stayed.
I never understood why John decided to stay here - it’s so easy for anyone, especially for a Terminator to find him. He tried to explain to me once but I couldn’t hear any of the words he spoke, apart from the whole Kate-part I mean. He had stayed here with Kate and of course, for Kate that much I heard. “Idiot,” I say again but not because of with whom he stayed but because why he stayed.
I know I should just let it go, I shouldn’t have these kinds of feelings towards Kate - I shouldn’t hate her over things she cannot control; over things she hasn’t even done yet but I do. Most of all I hate her for dying like that and leaving John and the kids alone. She was the reason why he stayed, so that she could be close to her family. If it had been me, I would’ve given up everything to keep him safe and I wouldn’t have chosen to stay and be the bait. The fact that nothing happened to them doesn’t change the fact that something could’ve happened. My blood is boiling, I can feel it rushing through my body from head to toe and I squeeze the wheel with all my power. He should’ve moved far away from this place; he should’ve cut all his old contacts and he should’ve bloody hell known better! Of course, I’m in no position to tell it to his face. I never was and never will be. I don’t know for sure what his life was like, all I know is what he told me.
Though, I must say I did tell him what I thought once, don’t know what came over me. I was mad at everyone that day and when he came to me and tried to cheer me up, I took it out on him. Told him how stupid he was for staying here jeopardizing his life along with the whole future. Told him how stupid he is if he thinks the war will ever see an end. He did smack some sense into me; not literally though. He grabbed my arms, forced me to stay still and said with that deep, electric voice of his that the great John Connor stayed in Los Angeles and survived, I should be grateful, he added which made me wanna try and punch his side. I tried actually, but he pushed me away before my fist actually connected with his ribs. Bastard. Fine, yeah, I should be grateful. But I’m not. I’m angry at him for risking his future like that - risking ours. And what am I doing now? Putting our future together in line. Irony of life I’d say.
Focus damnit!
I close my eyes and take another deep breath trying to focus again. I'm not cold anymore but the feeling of warmth these clothes brought is slowly starting to vanish… It feels so weird to wear clean jeans and warm suede jacket over a white t-shirt. They smell clean too; clean clothes are heaven on earth… Clothes… Gloria.
She was nice to me. Didn't ask a single question expect for whether I believe in God or not - and she did let me eat and use her shower too. Not to mention she also gave me these though they belonged to her daughter, Kelly. She said Kelly wouldn't mind at all which made me wonder. As always my curiosity got the better of me and I asked where she was, this daughter of hers but she couldn't tell for sure. What I got was a sad sigh, shrug and short explanation: she had been seduced by the dark side - drugs. I didn't comment on her words anyway, just said I'm sorry to hear that. She thanked me and we changed the subject.
The urge to give a disappointed laugh is too much - I snort out loud. She's probably gonna die soon - I doubt she'll be one of the survivors you know, which is unfortunate cause she's exactly the kind of spirit we'd need. Strong, capable and damn independent - Perhaps a bit too old for the Resistance but nevertheless. Then again, is there such thing as too old when it comes to this war?
If I could only stop it, I could be the change this world needs…
Robert. I need to find Robert Brewster if I want something to actually happen - or rather, not to happen.
After I finally get a grip I start the car again.
//
This day could not be any worse now could it? No - One can only take so much crap for one day and for now I'm starting to be full of it. First the whole issue with the baby, though of course I had suspected that for few days at least. Then this. The minute I saw her with my father I knew she'd break his heart, eventually. I know the type: young, hot, a thousand dollar smile and extremely expensive taste. This is something I never saw coming. The way he spoke of her made me believe she was some gentle woman on her 40s but I obviously thought wrong. No wonder he didn't introduce her earlier. How old was she again? Only few years older than me? For crying out loud what is wrong with my father? Does he not realize this woman he claims to be, the new bright love of his life, is just using him! He might be good-looking for his age but this is not possible - 'they' are not possible! Just look at her! My mind is screaming and I want to hit the wall next to me to gain their attention. The way she smiles to him, wraps her arms around his neck makes me sick and, oh God, I don't even want to know what she's saying to him! All I want is her to get her dirty hands away from my father and choke on her food. Oh, and what about that miniskirt? Could it be any shorter? Honestly, could she wear any less?
Argh.
A frown wrinkles my forehead. Damnit. Maybe I should just calm down and let my father take care of himself? Of course. I know I should but I can't just close my eyes and pretend she isn't there.
"Come on hon, those icy stares ain't making any difference here," John says sounding amused. How dare he look at me like that not to mention smiling like that. He's obviously not realizing how serious the situation is if he thinks there's something funny in it. "Just look at her!" I say through gritted teeth and he glances over his shoulder. "Yeah, so? Hate to break this to you but I've seen females before."
"Are you trying to get slapped?"
"I dunno, am I?" He answers my question with a question, which he knows to be one of those things that annoys me. Man, why is everything so damn difficult today? "I think you are."
Even though I still haven't taken my eyes off of my father, I notice how John's face suddenly becomes serious. I'm obviously getting on his nerves which is no wonder; I'm getting on my own nerves as well.
"Kate, what's your problem this time?" He asks observing my expressions to get some kind of hint of what's going on in my mind. To prevent him of getting that, I look away but before I know it he grabs my chin gently forcing me to look at him.
"Kate?" His voice is not only questioning but demanding too. Surely, these are the moments when the future John Connor peaks out and I get a glimpse of what he'll be like. Whether I like what I see is a whole different story to tell.
"What'd ya think?" I snarl throwing a death glare over his shoulder. My reaction seems to make him amused again because his eyes are sparkling with laughter and his lips twist into knowing smile. "Hmm, the young hot blonde in your father's arms?"
"Yeah," I reply with malicious voice which I hope would shut him up or at least get him to change the tone. My icy tone however doesn't seem to bother him. "Give it a rest honey."
Give it a rest?
"The hell I will."
I can see John's not happy with the reaction he received a second ago but I don't care, too tired to care. What am I supposed to do? Let that woman eat my father alive? I don't know if he was waiting for me to nod in agreement and bow my head down or something but he's not getting his way with this one.
"Look, your father is old enough to take care of himself. He doesn't need you to baby-sit him nor does he have to ask your permission to date. And she's obviously making him happy which is something he should be. After all, this shit he deserves that, don't you think?"
"Yeah, he should be happy but Christ, John, not with the last year's prom queen."
The answer he gets makes him shake his head accepting the fact there's no way he can make me like her. I don't miss my mother that much or anything but I just simply don't like her. "Okay maybe we should say goodnight and just go home? You're giving me a headache with this whining."
I don't make any witty remark even though I sure want to. Whining? I can feel my eyes narrowing dangerously. For that he's going to sleep on the couch at least two nights starting today!
"So, we gonna go?" He asks and I just nod. Nothing else I can do at the moment - I love my father but I can't stand the idea of staying here with those two. I try to calm down by telling myself this is just some phase father's going through. He'll get over it and realize how ridiculous it is for him to date a woman who's just passed her teenage years. She's not in fact a woman, she is a girl!
I let John push me slowly towards my father and the closer we get the more I try to smile. I hear the words John says but they refuse to register into my mind. Something about me not feeling so well and early morning.
"You alright dear?" Dad looks at me worriedly. "Yeah, I'm fine - just a little headache that's all." I hate to lie to him and I've never been good in it either. He looks at me again but this time I can see a glimpse of doubt in his eyes. He knows something's wrong. "Well, too bad", I hear the girly voice saying. For crying out loud, don't pretend you're not happy to get rid of me. I don't like you and you must know it.
"Yes, it was nice to meet you finally." Oh please. Those words were forced out of my mouth and they sound a bit colder than I meant to for which I'm sorry, actually. For my father's sake. I hug my father tightly without saying a word, hoping the smile would make him forget his doubts and after that, I shake her hand giving her a polite smile. That's the least I can do, I suppose.
"We'll get together some other time, surely, won't we?" she asks trying to sound more British than what she actually is and even though I feel the unbearable desire to grab her shoulders and throw her against the wall I just smile nodding. "Yeah, of course." I can't understand how a person I've met just three, four hours ago can bring the worst out in me. I'm not a violent person. I'm social yes, a bit sarcastic too and stubborn but what I'm not, is violent. Only when it comes to machines.
The minute I sit into the car I remember the baby again. As if she - Elizabeth, Ellie Ridley, the name of my nightmare, wouldn't be enough for one day. God, I feel like my head is going to explode if I think another thought. With all the stuff going on, the future war I know will happen though John tries so hard to calm me down, I can't have this baby. I can't. That's decided then. If John wasn't sitting next to me, I'd cry my eyes out but instead I bite my lip as hard as I can to prevent the tears running down my cheeks.
"So ya want to tell me what the hell was that all about?"
I snap out of my thoughts as I hear the words but I don't turn to look at him. I keep staring through the window trying to swallow the tears because if I start talking like this, I'll cry no doubt.
Raindrops. I hadn't notice it was raining.
"Kate?" his demanding voice interrupts my thoughts again and this time I glance at him.
"What?" I finally reply - I can see his jaw tensing.
"I asked you something."
"Oh, did you?" Obviously, I'm pushing him towards the edge by every word I say but I can't help it. I'm tired and pissed off, not to mention sad because of the decision I had to make. If I had waited another day my decision would've been a lot harder to make because deep down in me, I know I'm doing wrong. I should talk to him first but I know what he'd say and I can't go through that.
"Yeah I did. Don't play with me Brewster - What was the scene back at your father's?"
"Excuse-me!" I let out a shriek fidgeting on my seat. "I didn't make any scene. I was being really polite in case you didn't notice."
"I'm serious." Yeah, I know he is. The tone of his voice tells it alone but I'm in no mood to give up the game. "You've been weird for days and I'd like to know what's going on."
Sure you would. "Nothing!"
"I don't believe you Kate."
"I don't need you to believe me." My own words hit the air out of my lungs. It's a lie and we both know it. I need him, more than anything in the world and I think he feels the same about me. Whatever made me actually say those words out loud, I don't know. The feeling of wanting to hurt him, to make him feel as bad as I do I guess. But I love him, how can I do this to a person I love? Ellie Ridley, I blame her.
"Then what'd you need me for?" The question spoken with almost casual voice makes me shiver and I answer even before I notice it. "Honestly John, I don't know anymore." To that, he doesn't say anything. What's there to say really? I can see how his hands squeeze the wheel and suddenly, I feel like wanting to take it all back. I didn't mean it, really, I didn't. "Look honey", I start trying to ease the situation. "I love you, I probably always will but this all - it's too much, it's killing me."
He doesn't even glance at me when he speaks again and the cold tone he uses makes my shoulders collapse. "The war you mean."
"Yeah." This time my answer is not playful and challenging. "Look, I've told you, we can stop it."
If things weren't as they are, I would laugh. Though he's supposed to be some sort of leader he sure can act like a naïve little boy from time to time. Whether he says it because he truly believes it or just to make me calmer is entirely another matter. Oh yeah, he keeps saying that but he can't be sure. "That's what you've said for two years," I say. "As you know we can postpone it sure, we've been there but eventually it'll happen. Two years from now, ten years from now - who gives a damn? It'll happen."
"And?" He questions but I don't know what he expects me to answer. "You aren't gonna be any safer no matter with whom you are."
"I know that. But I can't help wondering what our life would be…" Before I can even complete my sentence he starts to speak again.
"-That's just it Kate, there wouldn't be 'our life' if we hadn't met."
I sigh. "Naturally but what I meant is that if you weren't the one who's supposed to lead the Resistance, our lives could be so different. We could have normal life and children"- my heart skips a beat - "without having to teach them how to fight from the day they are born. Without having to tell them all those horror stories you've told me."
"Yeah, I wish that too but you know it's not possible."
Exactly my point. "And that's the problem here."
"It's gonna be alright, trust me." Isn't that what they always say? And then they live happily ever after?
He turns to look at me and I can't help but smile. I mean how could you not to smile when those eyes look into your eyes? Every vibrate of your being feels loved and wanted… and the only thing shadowing your happiness are your own lies. I feel the look in my eyes grow sad and I turn to look at the road in front of us before he does to prevent him from seeing it. The yell comes out of my mouth before I even realize what's happening.
"John, look out!!"
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