(no subject)
I can’t believe she doesn’t want to see me. I’m not sure what hurts more, my sister telling me to go to hell or pushing Faith away, but wait…I know. Pushing Faith away, the look in her eyes…I would rather have been attacked by demons and killed slowly. I hate myself for hurting her.
“Have a good fucking life!” Her words echoed in my head. It was haunting me now.
The entire day I stayed locked up, emptying every alcoholic drink I had in my apartment and then beating the shit out of my punching bag and breaking through my door and my wall with my fists, they were now nice and bloody and pretty bruised up. I can’t believe I let her leave. I just have to keep telling myself it’s for the best.
Obviously I suck as a person, a brother, and a boyfriend. I mean I was supposed to protect Avery and stop her from falling into a bad life, and I couldn’t even do that. And Faith…the one person I love more than life and I can’t afford to lose her or have something happen to her. At least this way she’s better off, maybe she can find someone who can be the man of her dreams, take care of her and everything else.
This is it…my breaking point.
I grab my gun from the table and cock it and hold it to the side of my head; there’s nothing left for me now. I’ve let everyone I love down; I can’t take it anymore, I just want the hurt to stop.
I pull the trigger.
Click!
I let out a sigh and drop the gun on the floor.
This is a sign; I’m supposed to fix this. There is a higher power at work here, trying to get my attention, my gun has always worked.
I grab all my shit and throw it into a bag and take it to the pawn shop, selling everything I own to the man behind the counter who is happy as hell, because I have top quality shit.
“An AK? How did you get one of these?” He asks as he examines one of my many assault rifles.
“Perk of the job I guess.” I say as I look at the wad of cash he pulls out of the register and gives it to me. “Thanks man” I say as I put it into my pocket and leave. I grab my new cell phone and dial Faith’s number. No answer…no voicemail. I slam the phone against the ground and leave it there as I walk to the mall. I walk into the jewelry store and buy then nicest ring that I can find, spending all but a hundred bucks buying it. I put the box into my pocket and then walk back out and start walking towards my bike as I get on and start driving to California.
I get about halfway through Nebraska and run out of gas and money. I stop at a bar and walk in looking around the place, the bartender sizes me up and immediately asks if I’m lost. I know I look like hell, but I’m a man in love and on a mission.
“Yeah, I need some money.” I say to him. He laughs at me, “I’ll see you my bike.” I say finally, the one constant I’ve had my entire life my bike. The bartender nods and steps outside with me to look at it.
“I’ll give you 300 for it.” He says.
I look at him shocked about ready to beat the shit out of him. “You must be shitting me, this is worth at least 3 grand plus everything I’ve added to it.” I say.
“300 take it or leave it.” He says.
I shake my head, “Deal.” I say fishing my keys out of my pocket and handing them to him. Stupid son of a bitch. At least he’s worth the money, he gives me the money and I walk to the bus stop and wait for the bus; sitting at the stop for at least 2 hours before a car even passes by. I can’t help but hope that Faith still wants me back. Hoping that she’ll find it in her heart to forgive me. I know it’s a stretch…but I don’t have anything else.
“Have a good fucking life!” Her words echoed in my head. It was haunting me now.
The entire day I stayed locked up, emptying every alcoholic drink I had in my apartment and then beating the shit out of my punching bag and breaking through my door and my wall with my fists, they were now nice and bloody and pretty bruised up. I can’t believe I let her leave. I just have to keep telling myself it’s for the best.
Obviously I suck as a person, a brother, and a boyfriend. I mean I was supposed to protect Avery and stop her from falling into a bad life, and I couldn’t even do that. And Faith…the one person I love more than life and I can’t afford to lose her or have something happen to her. At least this way she’s better off, maybe she can find someone who can be the man of her dreams, take care of her and everything else.
This is it…my breaking point.
I grab my gun from the table and cock it and hold it to the side of my head; there’s nothing left for me now. I’ve let everyone I love down; I can’t take it anymore, I just want the hurt to stop.
I pull the trigger.
Click!
I let out a sigh and drop the gun on the floor.
This is a sign; I’m supposed to fix this. There is a higher power at work here, trying to get my attention, my gun has always worked.
I grab all my shit and throw it into a bag and take it to the pawn shop, selling everything I own to the man behind the counter who is happy as hell, because I have top quality shit.
“An AK? How did you get one of these?” He asks as he examines one of my many assault rifles.
“Perk of the job I guess.” I say as I look at the wad of cash he pulls out of the register and gives it to me. “Thanks man” I say as I put it into my pocket and leave. I grab my new cell phone and dial Faith’s number. No answer…no voicemail. I slam the phone against the ground and leave it there as I walk to the mall. I walk into the jewelry store and buy then nicest ring that I can find, spending all but a hundred bucks buying it. I put the box into my pocket and then walk back out and start walking towards my bike as I get on and start driving to California.
I get about halfway through Nebraska and run out of gas and money. I stop at a bar and walk in looking around the place, the bartender sizes me up and immediately asks if I’m lost. I know I look like hell, but I’m a man in love and on a mission.
“Yeah, I need some money.” I say to him. He laughs at me, “I’ll see you my bike.” I say finally, the one constant I’ve had my entire life my bike. The bartender nods and steps outside with me to look at it.
“I’ll give you 300 for it.” He says.
I look at him shocked about ready to beat the shit out of him. “You must be shitting me, this is worth at least 3 grand plus everything I’ve added to it.” I say.
“300 take it or leave it.” He says.
I shake my head, “Deal.” I say fishing my keys out of my pocket and handing them to him. Stupid son of a bitch. At least he’s worth the money, he gives me the money and I walk to the bus stop and wait for the bus; sitting at the stop for at least 2 hours before a car even passes by. I can’t help but hope that Faith still wants me back. Hoping that she’ll find it in her heart to forgive me. I know it’s a stretch…but I don’t have anything else.