My heart is pounding so hard... I wonder if it'll explode one day.
EDIT: I'm putting the edit up here, cos it's happier then this post...
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY CUREPACK! <3333 I love you people.
Can't believe we've been invading the internet for a year with our Cure-tastic presence. Awesome.
End of edited sector. z0rs.
This really sucks. I stabbed my hand. Okay, that's not even what I meant when I said, this really sucks, but it does hurt. I scraped it on a bookshelf. But moving on...
This weekend was like hell. Part of Saturday and last night were okay. Other than that...
Saturday:
My family party. It was pretty good. My Aunt and Uncle were there. Two of my cousins, Misty brought her baby, my Aunt Karen brought her two puppies... I took some pictures, I'll upload them next week probably. My Uncle Paul is such a jerk though... "You know, just cos you dye your hair doesn't make you less ditzy."
Retard.
Anyway... we tried to get my niece Kayla to go swimming. She kept clinging to the ladder and refusing to let go for anything. She was so sure she would drown. I kept telling her, "Kayla, I'm right here, I won't let you drown!" Finally she let me hold her and take her around the pool. And then finally she decided she wanted to do it herself. So she held on to the edge and walked the circumference of the pool.
Later, I was hanging out under this one tree with my Aunt and cousins and the adorable puppies... she comes over looking all upset. She begs me to go in the pool and play with her, but I'm tired and already changed so I told her I didn't want to, ask someone else. She was so upset, and she kept begging me...
Finally she says, "Aunt Amanda, if you don't go in the pool with me your not my aunt anymore!"
;_; She disowned me. She didn't really talk to me until we were eating desert, then she wanted to sit next to me... after that, she went back to ignoring me.
Mehh, kids that age. I can remember friends saying stuff like, "If you don't let me use that Barbie, you're not my friend anymore!"
-_-!
Moving on... after the party we had to take Will home. For some retarded reason, I decided I wanted to go. Well, I ate so much... the car ride made me feel really sick. I'm still not altogether well... but it's a bit better.
I almost cried when they stopped for dinner at Friendly's. The waitress was so sweet. She brought me Saltines and kept coming back to check on me. I ate one Saltine. That's all I could handle. I felt so ill... I seriously binged like hell at the party. Not doing that again.
Will's moving back. I might lease my car to him for the year. He better treat it like his own. I love my car more than ... something important.
SUNDAY:
After yesterday, I decided that the sooner Thursday gets here, the better. Screw my overwhelmed feeling, screw my anxiety, screw everything. Getting the hell outta this house is all that matters now!
Yesterday was awful. I woke up at five something thinking I heard my alarm clock or some-ringing noise...
I realised how bad my stomach hurt, so I took some Maalox (mmmmm, Chalk!). I walked around the house and went back to bed. Forgot all about the noise that woke me up until Mom brought it up later. We were driving to church and Mom says, "Do you know anything about the phone call... I think it was around 5...?"
"Oh, so that's what woke me up... no, what happened?"
"I don't know, Bob answered it...I passed out."
"Ohh..."
His garage side was open. And he was dressed already when I came downstairs. Also, he didn't go to church. Said he had "work".
It is my theory that he is cheating on my Mom. I hope he gets a real psycho. Just like in Attraction. He deserves it. I can't believe that jerk. Wait, it gets worse...
We get home and Bob didn't even cook anything like he usually would. So Mom's slamming crap around saying, "I shouldn't even bother eating! Look at this crap!" and freaking out, of course. Bob's sitting there like nothing matters, of course...
Finally I start helping so she'll shutup. I try to pretend like I know nothing.
After a really awkward and silent lunch, I go up to start packing. I work until 3.30 and decide I need to swim for a few. So I go down and Mom gets up and leaves. Bob follows soon after. I'm left thinking, "WTF?!"
Then I go up and lie in this hammock under this tree. By this point I had pretty much gone numb and I was sitting there thinking about taking some pics. But my batteries ran outta juice. So then I was all ticked off and I walk up the deck stairs. I look into this one window and see Mom and Bob sitting at the table, Mom's face bright red and she was clearly crying and Bob sitting there, acting like nothing happened. I CAN'T STAND HOW HE ALWAYS DOES THAT!! How can someone cause someone else so much pain and not even care?!!
As much as my Mom upsets me, I don't think she should be treated that way. Especially not by him. Or any guy. She's been through so much becos of the guys she gets involved with. It's ridiculous.
Anyway... then they go outside. Back to the pool deck. And Bob is gesturing really wildly and Mom was probably crying, I couldn't see her... then Will calls... I call for Mom to come get the phone... she took so long that Will had to hang up and call back. I seriously thought they were going to tell me that they were getting a divorce. The rest of the night, it was like nothing at all had happened. Even dinner was not so awkward. But I felt like it was all unbearable. The whole night I thought "When I go up to my room, I won't be able to take it, I have to cut." I really wanted to. But then... I got the best phone call I've had in forever. Dean and Amanda 14 three-wayed me. They couldn't have had better timing. We talked about EVERYTHING. For two hours. We're trying to figure out how I can see them... I'm trying not to lose hope, but I don't see how it could happen! At least it was a good talk. I'm so proud of Amanda. She's lost 20-some pounds. I talked to Kevin too. He lost 50 pounds this year. He now only weighs 8 pounds more than me. And he's eating right and actually said he didn't feel the need to lose more. Awesome. Dean wants to lose weight too... ^_^ Good for him then. He has a faux-hawk. Amanda got her hair chopped off too. And she's letting her scars heal. She hasn't cut since even longer than me. And Dean... at least 6 months clean. I'm so happy for them. Amanda sounded so happy and healthy.
I only met them this year and they are younger than me... but age really is just a number. I love them just the same. And they quite possibly are the reason I didn't cut when I went up.
I told them how hard is was getting and Amanda said, "Really, don't you think you would just end up feeling worse in the long-run? I've only talked to you twice this summer but you seem much better then you did in the school year."
I hope that's true. Cos lately, everything seems ...pointless, I guess.
I called Hannah this morning, I was going to go to her sonogram with her... her life got real bad yesterday. Car issues... plus her boy found a diary of hers and read it. She said some things in there, and now it's looking pretty bad.
I do feel a certain despair because it seems like all the older people I know keep saying it only gets worse. I look at my mom and think, I don't want to live to that age! I don't even think I want to live to 40. I plan on offing myself no matter what. I figure it's better that way. I want to get to a point where I feel happy and accomplished. When I have set out and been places and done things... I'm just going to end if after that. If it's up to me. Who knows?
Shucks, this has been a long entry. Guess I'll be back tomorrow. Or later today, if boredom overrules. But I really do need to write that paper. I worked on it this morning. But I'm only done half a page and it's supposed to be two pages. I have no idea what to write.
Ugggggggggh.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY CUREPACK! <3333 I love you people.
Can't believe we've been invading the internet for a year with our Cure-tastic presence. Awesome.
End of edited sector. z0rs.
This really sucks. I stabbed my hand. Okay, that's not even what I meant when I said, this really sucks, but it does hurt. I scraped it on a bookshelf. But moving on...
This weekend was like hell. Part of Saturday and last night were okay. Other than that...
Saturday:
My family party. It was pretty good. My Aunt and Uncle were there. Two of my cousins, Misty brought her baby, my Aunt Karen brought her two puppies... I took some pictures, I'll upload them next week probably. My Uncle Paul is such a jerk though... "You know, just cos you dye your hair doesn't make you less ditzy."
Retard.
Anyway... we tried to get my niece Kayla to go swimming. She kept clinging to the ladder and refusing to let go for anything. She was so sure she would drown. I kept telling her, "Kayla, I'm right here, I won't let you drown!" Finally she let me hold her and take her around the pool. And then finally she decided she wanted to do it herself. So she held on to the edge and walked the circumference of the pool.
Later, I was hanging out under this one tree with my Aunt and cousins and the adorable puppies... she comes over looking all upset. She begs me to go in the pool and play with her, but I'm tired and already changed so I told her I didn't want to, ask someone else. She was so upset, and she kept begging me...
Finally she says, "Aunt Amanda, if you don't go in the pool with me your not my aunt anymore!"
;_; She disowned me. She didn't really talk to me until we were eating desert, then she wanted to sit next to me... after that, she went back to ignoring me.
Mehh, kids that age. I can remember friends saying stuff like, "If you don't let me use that Barbie, you're not my friend anymore!"
-_-!
Moving on... after the party we had to take Will home. For some retarded reason, I decided I wanted to go. Well, I ate so much... the car ride made me feel really sick. I'm still not altogether well... but it's a bit better.
I almost cried when they stopped for dinner at Friendly's. The waitress was so sweet. She brought me Saltines and kept coming back to check on me. I ate one Saltine. That's all I could handle. I felt so ill... I seriously binged like hell at the party. Not doing that again.
Will's moving back. I might lease my car to him for the year. He better treat it like his own. I love my car more than ... something important.
SUNDAY:
After yesterday, I decided that the sooner Thursday gets here, the better. Screw my overwhelmed feeling, screw my anxiety, screw everything. Getting the hell outta this house is all that matters now!
Yesterday was awful. I woke up at five something thinking I heard my alarm clock or some-ringing noise...
I realised how bad my stomach hurt, so I took some Maalox (mmmmm, Chalk!). I walked around the house and went back to bed. Forgot all about the noise that woke me up until Mom brought it up later. We were driving to church and Mom says, "Do you know anything about the phone call... I think it was around 5...?"
"Oh, so that's what woke me up... no, what happened?"
"I don't know, Bob answered it...I passed out."
"Ohh..."
His garage side was open. And he was dressed already when I came downstairs. Also, he didn't go to church. Said he had "work".
It is my theory that he is cheating on my Mom. I hope he gets a real psycho. Just like in Attraction. He deserves it. I can't believe that jerk. Wait, it gets worse...
We get home and Bob didn't even cook anything like he usually would. So Mom's slamming crap around saying, "I shouldn't even bother eating! Look at this crap!" and freaking out, of course. Bob's sitting there like nothing matters, of course...
Finally I start helping so she'll shutup. I try to pretend like I know nothing.
After a really awkward and silent lunch, I go up to start packing. I work until 3.30 and decide I need to swim for a few. So I go down and Mom gets up and leaves. Bob follows soon after. I'm left thinking, "WTF?!"
Then I go up and lie in this hammock under this tree. By this point I had pretty much gone numb and I was sitting there thinking about taking some pics. But my batteries ran outta juice. So then I was all ticked off and I walk up the deck stairs. I look into this one window and see Mom and Bob sitting at the table, Mom's face bright red and she was clearly crying and Bob sitting there, acting like nothing happened. I CAN'T STAND HOW HE ALWAYS DOES THAT!! How can someone cause someone else so much pain and not even care?!!
As much as my Mom upsets me, I don't think she should be treated that way. Especially not by him. Or any guy. She's been through so much becos of the guys she gets involved with. It's ridiculous.
Anyway... then they go outside. Back to the pool deck. And Bob is gesturing really wildly and Mom was probably crying, I couldn't see her... then Will calls... I call for Mom to come get the phone... she took so long that Will had to hang up and call back. I seriously thought they were going to tell me that they were getting a divorce. The rest of the night, it was like nothing at all had happened. Even dinner was not so awkward. But I felt like it was all unbearable. The whole night I thought "When I go up to my room, I won't be able to take it, I have to cut." I really wanted to. But then... I got the best phone call I've had in forever. Dean and Amanda 14 three-wayed me. They couldn't have had better timing. We talked about EVERYTHING. For two hours. We're trying to figure out how I can see them... I'm trying not to lose hope, but I don't see how it could happen! At least it was a good talk. I'm so proud of Amanda. She's lost 20-some pounds. I talked to Kevin too. He lost 50 pounds this year. He now only weighs 8 pounds more than me. And he's eating right and actually said he didn't feel the need to lose more. Awesome. Dean wants to lose weight too... ^_^ Good for him then. He has a faux-hawk. Amanda got her hair chopped off too. And she's letting her scars heal. She hasn't cut since even longer than me. And Dean... at least 6 months clean. I'm so happy for them. Amanda sounded so happy and healthy.
I only met them this year and they are younger than me... but age really is just a number. I love them just the same. And they quite possibly are the reason I didn't cut when I went up.
I told them how hard is was getting and Amanda said, "Really, don't you think you would just end up feeling worse in the long-run? I've only talked to you twice this summer but you seem much better then you did in the school year."
I hope that's true. Cos lately, everything seems ...pointless, I guess.
I called Hannah this morning, I was going to go to her sonogram with her... her life got real bad yesterday. Car issues... plus her boy found a diary of hers and read it. She said some things in there, and now it's looking pretty bad.
I do feel a certain despair because it seems like all the older people I know keep saying it only gets worse. I look at my mom and think, I don't want to live to that age! I don't even think I want to live to 40. I plan on offing myself no matter what. I figure it's better that way. I want to get to a point where I feel happy and accomplished. When I have set out and been places and done things... I'm just going to end if after that. If it's up to me. Who knows?
Shucks, this has been a long entry. Guess I'll be back tomorrow. Or later today, if boredom overrules. But I really do need to write that paper. I worked on it this morning. But I'm only done half a page and it's supposed to be two pages. I have no idea what to write.
Ugggggggggh.