Worst. Night. EVER!
Last night was positively horrible. Everything just seemed to be going so wrong. I'm getting really sick, but I don't know what to do about it.
Here's how it is... last night, I was doing pretty good. I had gotten my hair dyed again, so I was stoked about that. Then we went to this free concert and the band was awesome, so I got their CD. All was fine until somewhere after Harvey Birdman, I started feeling really sick. I started freaking out at myself thinking stupid crap like, "You damn idiot, if you hadn't eaten all that crap you wouldn't feel like throwing up..."
Anyway, then I felt like I was on fire... it was so bad I kept jumping up and shaking. I know this doesn't make any sense... but last night, nothing made sense. It just felt awful. Then I kept sobbing and shaking and of course, worked myself up so bad that I fell apart and had a panic attack on my basement stairs. I felt so alone, so empty...
It wasn't good. And it only got worse.
By this time it was 2.30 in the morning... I was so dizzy still from my panic attack I could barely move but I forced myself up to my room and pulled out my diary. I thought about cutting. But I didn't. You can't believe how hard it was not to open to the last page and rip it out and just let me have it. Well, some of you do... but it really was hard.
So... I wrote some of my fckued up thoughts and by 3, I'd had enough of my stomach aching. I woke up Bob and made him give me meds. I didn't pass out til after 3.30 and I was awake again before 4 after this horrendous nightmare and this feeling that I had been breathing through a freakin' straw. Then I passed out again, only to be woke up at 5 by Bob. He was telling me to close my window. Which it had been... it was storming like a mofo. It sounded like a river outside my window and the lightning was practically constant. So that made it hard to sleep again plus my stomach hurt like hell. I ate a piece of bread and managed to sleep five hours.
Amazingly enough, I feel sort of okay today. Not physically... my stomach feels like a time waiting to 'splode! X_X;
The thing is... I need help.
I wish my mom could understand this... I keep having these extreme mood swings. I can have an okay day and then suddenly at night, I just... change. I get all screwed up again and feel like I just want to off myself.
I seriously considered it last night. I'm getting worse again, I know I am... but what am I supposed to do when my mom doesn't even think depression is a medical condition. Doesn't matter to her that I've been hospitalized with it... she just blames everything on something else! Like, if I were to tell her I've been having panic attacks every week, she'd ask when, and then she'd say I shouldn't be up so late. Or she'd blame it on my experimenting with religions, or reading Stephen King...
Or her favourite thing to blame: my friends.
I'm so tired of feeling like this. It almost seems like just when I'm starting to feel good my mind gets scared that I can't stay happy so it says, "Screw you, you don't deserve this, be sad, get angry!"
I don't know...
And I wish I could talk to someone about these thoughts I keep having. They're scaring the hell out of me. Not to mention making me feel so sick.
I'm scared to be alone with kids. I'm scared of even looking at kids.
I want to go back to therapy... I need someone to talk to. I can't keep living feeling like this...
I'm sorry for this entry. I just can't get out of this hell.
Here's how it is... last night, I was doing pretty good. I had gotten my hair dyed again, so I was stoked about that. Then we went to this free concert and the band was awesome, so I got their CD. All was fine until somewhere after Harvey Birdman, I started feeling really sick. I started freaking out at myself thinking stupid crap like, "You damn idiot, if you hadn't eaten all that crap you wouldn't feel like throwing up..."
Anyway, then I felt like I was on fire... it was so bad I kept jumping up and shaking. I know this doesn't make any sense... but last night, nothing made sense. It just felt awful. Then I kept sobbing and shaking and of course, worked myself up so bad that I fell apart and had a panic attack on my basement stairs. I felt so alone, so empty...
It wasn't good. And it only got worse.
By this time it was 2.30 in the morning... I was so dizzy still from my panic attack I could barely move but I forced myself up to my room and pulled out my diary. I thought about cutting. But I didn't. You can't believe how hard it was not to open to the last page and rip it out and just let me have it. Well, some of you do... but it really was hard.
So... I wrote some of my fckued up thoughts and by 3, I'd had enough of my stomach aching. I woke up Bob and made him give me meds. I didn't pass out til after 3.30 and I was awake again before 4 after this horrendous nightmare and this feeling that I had been breathing through a freakin' straw. Then I passed out again, only to be woke up at 5 by Bob. He was telling me to close my window. Which it had been... it was storming like a mofo. It sounded like a river outside my window and the lightning was practically constant. So that made it hard to sleep again plus my stomach hurt like hell. I ate a piece of bread and managed to sleep five hours.
Amazingly enough, I feel sort of okay today. Not physically... my stomach feels like a time waiting to 'splode! X_X;
The thing is... I need help.
I wish my mom could understand this... I keep having these extreme mood swings. I can have an okay day and then suddenly at night, I just... change. I get all screwed up again and feel like I just want to off myself.
I seriously considered it last night. I'm getting worse again, I know I am... but what am I supposed to do when my mom doesn't even think depression is a medical condition. Doesn't matter to her that I've been hospitalized with it... she just blames everything on something else! Like, if I were to tell her I've been having panic attacks every week, she'd ask when, and then she'd say I shouldn't be up so late. Or she'd blame it on my experimenting with religions, or reading Stephen King...
Or her favourite thing to blame: my friends.
I'm so tired of feeling like this. It almost seems like just when I'm starting to feel good my mind gets scared that I can't stay happy so it says, "Screw you, you don't deserve this, be sad, get angry!"
I don't know...
And I wish I could talk to someone about these thoughts I keep having. They're scaring the hell out of me. Not to mention making me feel so sick.
I'm scared to be alone with kids. I'm scared of even looking at kids.
I want to go back to therapy... I need someone to talk to. I can't keep living feeling like this...
I'm sorry for this entry. I just can't get out of this hell.