stupid girl, stupid girl
back on planet earth: can i just meet a regular guy who for one millisecond could tolerate my deranged weirdness?
hello?
is there anybody in there?
just nod if you can hear me,
is there anyone at home?
i feel like i cant be heard by anyone. and those that do hear me are just fooling themselves into thinking theres something there. (gosh how arrogant that must sound?)
but i guess im not really purposely making myself heard. im not shouting off at the rooftops that i am currently taking applications.
ive created a relationship tangent. i am constantly quoted as saying that i am not looking for a relationship, that i am not in need of that other person to fulfill the dark void in myself. i have dark voids. but not for some person to full it. because if someone fills all those dark voids, i will no longer recognize who it is i claim to be, i would no longer resemble "myself". i dont need the "drama" that comes with relationships. or those relationships that i willingly participate in.
i wear a nice sized cubic zirconia ring on my left hand on a suspect finger and it seems to ward away any potential suitors. is that strange? what is strange is the assumations by perfect strangers. i wear it as a reminder to myself that yes, i am perfectly happy without a man in my life or i should say that i am perfectly happy i dont identify or corelate my happiness with having a man in my life. when i told a friend recently that i had good news (on location movie makeup job), she responded with, "does it have anything to do with you bringing a date to my wedding?" geez. like my good news has to involve a man in my life.
yes ive been single for years now. yes it is my own decision. no im not getting married any time soon, if ever. i have way too many things going on in my life(or so i think) to define one divine source of happiness as "my boyfriend so and so". in short: im just a diva. so what?
but,
here i am. a human girl (although at most times it seems as though i am NOT human) in an imperfect world with human girl emotional needs and wants. i see a guy and his chick, and wonder how their relationship life plays out.
talking on the phone. missing each other. wondering what the other is doing. having dinner together. borrowing a sweater then sort of forgetting to return it and wearing it every day until it doesnt have that boyfriend smell to it. just being together, quietly reading the paper over coffee together and it just doesnt matter. all that mattered is that you are together. sleeping next to each other for comfort and warmth. awwww.
awwwshit is what that is. blech. makes me want to vomit.
i guess im just jealous, cause if i was doing those things i wouldnt be so sick, because i would be in a positive and happy relationship. because thats what people do in happy positive relationships. hmmm, and i guess since its not happening to me or hasnt happened to me in a too many years to think about, my mind and heart dont recognize it.
ive been blinded and jaded for so, so long.
whatever tickles my pickle? but why is my pickle ever so fickle?
my opinions change daily on every subject i can imagine, let alone this one. ive managed to change my idea on it several times just in this entry. read other entries and i sound like a love struck school girl or a bitter old maid, just depending all on what mood and day you caught me on.
poor soul who could tolerate the many unfullfillable voids that make me, me.
but theres the flip side of that too.
do i want to devote any time to another person? all my time is always for me. now i need to include somebody else? i need to cut my "me" time because "so and so" wants my "me" time.
and is there really something wrong with that? why should there be? why wouldnt i want to spend time with someone who actually likes me for me, accepts my negatives with my positives?
but hello, whats wrong with that? hey libra! someone wants to spend time with you. someone wants to divulge their attention onto you, you wonderful you!
eh.
whatever.
im in love with love. theoretical love. perfect love and perfect trust. just like i love communism. but only in theory. let me say that again before i get a ranting comment on communism. COMMUNISM IN THEORY AND THEORY ONLY IS A GOOD IDEA. A THEORETICAL IDEA. release it onto a democratic republic of humans who have been for over 200 years and it would all go to shit. but thats another tangent reserved for another day when i have more energy to expend on 2 subjects.
i love the idea that someone could possibly love me the way that i love a person. somehow i "love" everyone at some point of our relationship- not necessarily fall IN love, but just simply love them for who they are. when i love someone, i love them with every ounce of my being. nothing less. because thats what i expect from him.
eh.
another day. another nite. another nite of unrest.
hello?
is there anybody in there?
just nod if you can hear me,
is there anyone at home?
i feel like i cant be heard by anyone. and those that do hear me are just fooling themselves into thinking theres something there. (gosh how arrogant that must sound?)
but i guess im not really purposely making myself heard. im not shouting off at the rooftops that i am currently taking applications.
ive created a relationship tangent. i am constantly quoted as saying that i am not looking for a relationship, that i am not in need of that other person to fulfill the dark void in myself. i have dark voids. but not for some person to full it. because if someone fills all those dark voids, i will no longer recognize who it is i claim to be, i would no longer resemble "myself". i dont need the "drama" that comes with relationships. or those relationships that i willingly participate in.
i wear a nice sized cubic zirconia ring on my left hand on a suspect finger and it seems to ward away any potential suitors. is that strange? what is strange is the assumations by perfect strangers. i wear it as a reminder to myself that yes, i am perfectly happy without a man in my life or i should say that i am perfectly happy i dont identify or corelate my happiness with having a man in my life. when i told a friend recently that i had good news (on location movie makeup job), she responded with, "does it have anything to do with you bringing a date to my wedding?" geez. like my good news has to involve a man in my life.
yes ive been single for years now. yes it is my own decision. no im not getting married any time soon, if ever. i have way too many things going on in my life(or so i think) to define one divine source of happiness as "my boyfriend so and so". in short: im just a diva. so what?
but,
here i am. a human girl (although at most times it seems as though i am NOT human) in an imperfect world with human girl emotional needs and wants. i see a guy and his chick, and wonder how their relationship life plays out.
talking on the phone. missing each other. wondering what the other is doing. having dinner together. borrowing a sweater then sort of forgetting to return it and wearing it every day until it doesnt have that boyfriend smell to it. just being together, quietly reading the paper over coffee together and it just doesnt matter. all that mattered is that you are together. sleeping next to each other for comfort and warmth. awwww.
awwwshit is what that is. blech. makes me want to vomit.
i guess im just jealous, cause if i was doing those things i wouldnt be so sick, because i would be in a positive and happy relationship. because thats what people do in happy positive relationships. hmmm, and i guess since its not happening to me or hasnt happened to me in a too many years to think about, my mind and heart dont recognize it.
ive been blinded and jaded for so, so long.
whatever tickles my pickle? but why is my pickle ever so fickle?
my opinions change daily on every subject i can imagine, let alone this one. ive managed to change my idea on it several times just in this entry. read other entries and i sound like a love struck school girl or a bitter old maid, just depending all on what mood and day you caught me on.
poor soul who could tolerate the many unfullfillable voids that make me, me.
but theres the flip side of that too.
do i want to devote any time to another person? all my time is always for me. now i need to include somebody else? i need to cut my "me" time because "so and so" wants my "me" time.
and is there really something wrong with that? why should there be? why wouldnt i want to spend time with someone who actually likes me for me, accepts my negatives with my positives?
but hello, whats wrong with that? hey libra! someone wants to spend time with you. someone wants to divulge their attention onto you, you wonderful you!
eh.
whatever.
im in love with love. theoretical love. perfect love and perfect trust. just like i love communism. but only in theory. let me say that again before i get a ranting comment on communism. COMMUNISM IN THEORY AND THEORY ONLY IS A GOOD IDEA. A THEORETICAL IDEA. release it onto a democratic republic of humans who have been for over 200 years and it would all go to shit. but thats another tangent reserved for another day when i have more energy to expend on 2 subjects.
i love the idea that someone could possibly love me the way that i love a person. somehow i "love" everyone at some point of our relationship- not necessarily fall IN love, but just simply love them for who they are. when i love someone, i love them with every ounce of my being. nothing less. because thats what i expect from him.
eh.
another day. another nite. another nite of unrest.