Boo to winter
I think winter makes everyone depressed along with myself. I want so badly to say that I am a good girlfriend, but we'd both be lying if I said that. How do I do this everytime? How come I just can't be happy with the fact that I have an amazing boy that loves me dearly? So what if he isn't good at communicating Charlie. So what if he doesn't always know what to buy you that will make your heart reel. I can still remember the first time he kissed me. It quick and nervous,but he sucked it up and did it anyway. He got over the fear of asking me out and did that anyways. He got over the fear of not wanting to love me and telling me and told me anyways. That is the way he is. He does his own thing and loves me in his own way. Sometimes I think I just expect everything to be picture perfect and it's not. I wish I could tell him how I feel without it coming out the wrong way. I expect too much and I'm just realizing I do so. I need to feel important and loved. Sometimes I forget that he loves me. I look around and I see so many other relationships where these guys just can't spit out the "I love you" and you know what? I have a boy that will. I have a boy that holds me when I cry and tells me I'm pretty when I'm in sweatpants. I have a boy that takes me on picnics and gives me a bowl of pickles because he knows how much I love them. I have a boy that will prove himself over and over again to me. I have a boy that wont lie to me. Yet I can't seem to be able to prove myself to him. Maybe me just backing off was the best thing I could do. It's really difficult watching every move I make and everthing I say fearing that this will be it if I say or do the wrong thing. I don't know how I let it get to this point. 2 months away he wanted to live with me and now he doesn't even know if he wants to be with me. Why am I so vicious? I'm scared that he wont love me one day out of the blue and you know what. One year proves that someone cares about you. The relationship doesn't need to be anymore or less serious. It will just be and grow or not in its own time. It's so difficult for me not to be in control. I'm trying to be good. I'm trying to show him I care in the ways that he needs to see, but is he seeing it? Does he know I'm trying? I want to talk, but I'm too scared to bring it up. I just need to grow some balls and realize that if it ends I will kick myself so hard in the ass for not trying harder. The next time I see him I am going to tell him I am ready. I am ready to prove himself to him. I am ready to wait. I am ready to watch him grow. I am just ready to go full force into this. I'm ready to be there when he needs or not when he doesn't. I'm ready to listen and let him know I actually do care about him. I care what he thinks, how he feels, his health. I didn't realize that one person could make me look so deeply into myself and realize,"wow charlene. you need to take a look around you and realize what you have." He is stronger than I give him credit for and not as souless and I say. He always tells me I'm in his top 3 of favorite things. That means a lot with all the shit he has been through. It means a lot that he trusts me and is able to love me. It shows the human heart is capable of being mended and able to trust again. It just is a little bit more aware of what some people do and the signs to look for.
I will never forget the day I saw him walking into that gas station and how I blurted out "Hi my name is Charlene and you don't know me" because I just wanted him to know I existed. I'll never forget the first time he came over and told me all I had to do was smile to make him happy. I'll never forget the first time we held hands or cuddled on the couch. The first movie we ever watched together I fell asleep and he kissed the side of my mouth good bye. I was so embarrassed that I might have been snoring I didn't even care if he kissed me or not. I was just praying to god he didn't realize I wasn't as cute as he was making me out to be or as I was trying to make myself out to me. I'll never forget the first time he told me he loved me. Or the time I he told me he wanted to love me for a long time or how he strokes his hand on my face saying it calms him down. I think about all these beautiful things and I wonder how such a beautiful man strolled into my life. No actually he just came out of no where into my life. That's the way we are. Just when I think he is hating me for even breathing, he looks at me with these beautiful brown eyes and tells me he loves me. It seriously means the entire world to me. I don't want to fuck this up and I just pulling something deeper out of myself to not let this happen. I will wait for him. I will be here when he returns. I will put myself on hold if that's what it's going to take to show him I care. He's showed me he can love me yet keep his own life and I have never had that. I never had a strong boyfriend. I've just had the boys who will bend over backwards for me and make me their complete life. I have never felt like I want someone this badly. It's scaring me because I have been hurt, but he's a lover on a fighter. hah. He doesn't talk about his feelings and I do.
I just need to learn to write these things down in here because I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off my chest. I feel free and ready. Ready for a whole new chapter in my life. Ready to be a better person and to be learn how to accept people for the way they are. He makes me so happy and he doesn't even know it. I always only show him my negative thoughts, but those postive love feeling thoughts just sound so much better in my head than when I am trying to spit them out. I am good with "beating around the bush". I just need to come out and say it or else it sounds completely ridiculous. God I am in love and I love it.
xoxo,
Charlie
I will never forget the day I saw him walking into that gas station and how I blurted out "Hi my name is Charlene and you don't know me" because I just wanted him to know I existed. I'll never forget the first time he came over and told me all I had to do was smile to make him happy. I'll never forget the first time we held hands or cuddled on the couch. The first movie we ever watched together I fell asleep and he kissed the side of my mouth good bye. I was so embarrassed that I might have been snoring I didn't even care if he kissed me or not. I was just praying to god he didn't realize I wasn't as cute as he was making me out to be or as I was trying to make myself out to me. I'll never forget the first time he told me he loved me. Or the time I he told me he wanted to love me for a long time or how he strokes his hand on my face saying it calms him down. I think about all these beautiful things and I wonder how such a beautiful man strolled into my life. No actually he just came out of no where into my life. That's the way we are. Just when I think he is hating me for even breathing, he looks at me with these beautiful brown eyes and tells me he loves me. It seriously means the entire world to me. I don't want to fuck this up and I just pulling something deeper out of myself to not let this happen. I will wait for him. I will be here when he returns. I will put myself on hold if that's what it's going to take to show him I care. He's showed me he can love me yet keep his own life and I have never had that. I never had a strong boyfriend. I've just had the boys who will bend over backwards for me and make me their complete life. I have never felt like I want someone this badly. It's scaring me because I have been hurt, but he's a lover on a fighter. hah. He doesn't talk about his feelings and I do.
I just need to learn to write these things down in here because I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off my chest. I feel free and ready. Ready for a whole new chapter in my life. Ready to be a better person and to be learn how to accept people for the way they are. He makes me so happy and he doesn't even know it. I always only show him my negative thoughts, but those postive love feeling thoughts just sound so much better in my head than when I am trying to spit them out. I am good with "beating around the bush". I just need to come out and say it or else it sounds completely ridiculous. God I am in love and I love it.
xoxo,
Charlie