How Do Some People Live With Themselves?
My friend (I'll skip mentioning a name for now) is in a nursing facility. When she was ill and out of it, her family got power of attorney.
Sure, this is often necessary. We did it with our mom, so I know what it's like.
But my friend is in her right mind now -- but they have total control over her. They have control over her money. They've emptied and sold her house. They've packed up all her things -- except for the stuff her parents left to HER that they wanted to keep (that stuff is now in their house, of course).
My friend just found out by reading the newspaper (!!!) that they're having an Estate Sale. She saw what was listed for sale, and it's all her collections, books, Christmas decorations and so on. Pretty much her entire life is being put up for sale, without her consent. Recently one relative brought over a box of her jewelry for her to 'go through' -- and when she wasn't willing to get rid of much of it, this relative was mad.
They're going to put my friend in a group home. There's nothing wrong with that, but she had hoped to get a storage unit and keep some of her belongings there. They said no -- and they control her money. Heck, she wanted a fish in a bowl in her room (the place where she is allows fish), but they said no to that, too.
One of them is buying my friend's clothes for her -- not letting her pick things out (style, color, size) for herself. She hates everything that's been given to her to wear.
Imagine it: She's now a prisoner of her family and wherever they put her to stay.
Even though she was willing to get rid of things, she's angry because the CHOICE was taken from her. All her computers (and her deceased brother's computers) were sold -- with her files dumped. Her carefully collected quarter collection was cashed in like spare change.
HOW do these people look in a mirror? HOW do they sleep at night?
Seriously, I try not to judge people in these situations. Marilyn and I were judged a lot when we took care of mom, and a lot of that was very unfair. It's not easy to be responsible for a loved one -- I get that.
But we NEVER forced Mom to get rid of anything she really wanted. We never TOOK her things for ourselves until after her death. I helped manage her money, but it was about providing for HER -- and trying to make her as happy as possible.
I suspect my friend isn't loved by her family -- they only see her as a burden. She's not an easy person to deal -- even for me. But it's shocking how easy it is for people to just run ramshod over another person's life. (LiveJournal doesn't think I can spell 'ramshod,' by the way. Maybe LJ has never heard the word... grin...)
By the end of our conversation, my friend was pretty calm. She'd stopped crying hysterically and was ready to 'start over' as best she can. She was mourning Christmas ornaments she'd carefully collected and sad about her Troll dolls she'd had forever -- but was seemingly ready to let go.
I'm pretty helpless here. My friend doesn't want to fight the power of attorney (even though I think she probably could). And her family really has nothing to do with me (which is probably for the best). All I can do is talk to her often and listen and commiserate with her. And PRAY for her, of course. (We talk every day -- even now, when I'm so swamped. I make the time for her, even if I have to work while we chat...)
There's another situation going on that's upsetting, too -- about two other people in Marilyn's and my life. These are people we'd come to think of us friends -- and that we've told we love them.
It turns out the feelings aren't mutual. They don't think of us as friends (so obviously they don't love us). I could go into details, but interestingly enough, Marilyn and I are both okay with this.
We see this as THEIR loss -- not ours. You know, when you offer someone friendship (and/or love) and they reject it, YOU aren't the one missing out.
So, what was fascinating about this situation was that both Marilyn and I realized it at around the same time -- for totally different reasons! She was one place and I was another. We'd 'discussed' this mostly via email. But suddenly yesterday afternoon I was struck how these two people thought of us -- and I realized it wasn't as friends.
Here's the sad thing: I think these people think they're above us.
You know what? I don't care if they do. To me it proves they don't know us all that well. NO, I'm not saying we're above them -- I try not to go there with anyone else. (Why compare? Everyone lives life in different ways, after all.) Me? I like my life and I like who I am. And I think Marilyn is one of the most amazing people I've ever known -- so if people aren't getting that, they honestly don't know her very well. And Marilyn doesn't flaunt her goodness (which is powerful), so some might miss it. She does wonderful things for others, but generally is quiet about it...
Seriously, I hear so many praises for Marilyn on a daily and weekly basis that I'm happily aware many other people besides me DO know and get this about her -- and greatly value her, especially as a friend. She's special -- and she's an incredible friend.
Well, ultimately, I wish these two well in their lives. I could waste time being hurt, but I really don't feel hurt. When it came to me, I even chuckled, knowing we were another 'cause' for people who love causes. It's funny to me, because I think we well might be happier than they are. Not judging, mind you -- I've no clue if they're happy or not, really. Because I thought I knew them, but obviously I DON'T.
It's hard to get to know some people. They hold themselves back. And maybe we need to be beware of those who seem 'too good to be true.' Not because we'll find out they're flawed -- we're all flawed. But because they might be TOO GOOD to associate with those of us who are less than they are...
Well, that's enough time spent on blogging for now! I've got a ton of work I want to get done.
Can't wait for the weekend! Love to all my LJ Friends -- I hope all of you have a great weekend!