Eh...
If my post could be a little more emo, I could write a song about it and maybe be rich. Honestly, that whole going back through my LJ is cringy, but a necessary evil to understand where I've been as I strive for growth.
On romantic relationships:
When I'm in a healthier mindset, those upsets seem dramatic. I've realized that refusing to settle for less and demanding I get what I want pulls the lid off of the whole situation. I've always been a giver and I give at the risk of losing myself. The men I've dealt with were feeding off of this energy and not returning the favor. I had to figure out how to change this narrative. I'm not sure if I've figured it out yet, but I will continue to tell myself that I'm allowed to make reasonable demands of reciprocity.
On life ATM:
Where there's relief, there's also adversity. I'm finally comfortable enough with my finances to correct many of my past financial debt and pitfalls, but I also have to be prepared to make moves I've never made before. I'm finally ready for the independence I've been craving for over 10 yrs. now, but I'm also strangely aware of big of a change that will be. I've decided to not rush it and take my time, so that I can do it the correct way. Things have always felt like I was tittering back and forth; like I took a direct shot at the goal and it got blocked. Now I'm playing it smart and making sure I'm complete in the clear before I take aim. No lie, it's extremely difficult not the rush in, but I need a big win not a small victory. Nothing's worse than celebrating too early and life comes at you fast with no regards for your plans.
Ok, time to organize some goals:
- pay down debt
- move out on my own
- start applying for a masters'
That's shorter than I thought it was going to be, but I'm averaging at least one update a year. A one year plan is way less stressful than a 5 or 10 yr plan and, honestly, I don't understand how anyone can draft that far ahead and not consider the now. Now it what's really important and I realize everyday that what's happening now its how I make it to later. The future is a myth, the past is a story; It's called the present because its a gift. So long as I'm able to deal with everything I can control now, I should be just fine.