(no subject)
Life seems full of sighs at the moment. Everything is pretty good, except for things directly connected to my current employment. The job search continues, but at a slow pace since I become easily frustrated and decide to save the computer massive amounts of damage. But I do not enjoy the job I have. I should be glad to have any job, I know. It's hard to be grateful, though, when you do the same thing over and over again, for hours on end, understaffed, running around like a crazy person trying to please all of the guests, etc... I suppose that's how it is with any job, though, and I should probably get over it, since this is how it will always be. Still. I don't get enough hours (though I'm not going to go begging for more as I would prefer to spend as little time as possible listening to that awful music and asking people how many are in their party), and I definitely don't get paid enough. It's hard enough to save for rent and electric, food and gas, much less Murray's de-manning and glasses for myself (or at least an eye exam, I haven't had one in three years). After all is said and done, if I'm extremely conservative, I'll have maybe $30 extra a week. Never mind the student loans that I will have to get a forbearance on, since there is no way I'll be able to afford repayment at this time. Which means that while I won't have to pay anything back, or at least a drastically reduced amount, it will still gain interest. Thank you post secondary education for being so expensive. Thank you silly little 18 year old me who decided on a major that I shouldn't have in the first place. Thank you loan companies for being so damned confusing and difficult to understand that I have to call you, which will probably make me frustrated again and have to give up till a later date. Thank you job sites that can't be found.
This is nothing to say about the state of my personal health care. I don't work enough right now to be eligible for Cracker Barrels health insurance. My grandmother just had surgery to remove breast cancer, which my mother has also had. Theoretically, I could have a test done to determine if I'm marked to have it too, or if I'm just at high risk. My concern with that, though, is that it will give insurance companies a chance to deny me coverage. Not that I have to worry about that right now anyway, since I can't afford it. If I get sick, I'm fucked.
Lately the apartment has been getting so messy and dirty that I'm just sick of it, and have lost the motivation to clean it. I've lost a lot of motivation in general lately. I go to my job because I need money to pay bills and buy food. I take showers and brush my teeth and clothe myself because if I don't I'll offend, and no one wants that. I don't do much anymore just because I want to, but I don't have much motivation to. I cook because I like to. If it was a situation where I made food just because we need to eat, it wouldn't get so interesting. I do Murray's obedience training every day because I want him to be a well behaved dog. Sometimes I watch TV because I enjoy the show. More often than not, though, it's because I just don't feel like doing anything else. More often than not, I would be just as happy reading, or making something (I have about three projects going on right now anyway), or cleaning, but...I just don't feel like it.
I go on and on about getting a new job, moving somewhere else, having a home with a nice kitchen and a fenced in backyard...but would it all really make me happier? Is there any way to make me happier? Because this seems to be the same old thing. I always think it will be so much better, but it rarely is.
It's not always so gloomy, though. I did all kinds of things for Andrew's birthday, and I had a lot of fun with that. Sometimes I go out with Linda, and I always have a good time. I guess it can't always be good.
This is nothing to say about the state of my personal health care. I don't work enough right now to be eligible for Cracker Barrels health insurance. My grandmother just had surgery to remove breast cancer, which my mother has also had. Theoretically, I could have a test done to determine if I'm marked to have it too, or if I'm just at high risk. My concern with that, though, is that it will give insurance companies a chance to deny me coverage. Not that I have to worry about that right now anyway, since I can't afford it. If I get sick, I'm fucked.
Lately the apartment has been getting so messy and dirty that I'm just sick of it, and have lost the motivation to clean it. I've lost a lot of motivation in general lately. I go to my job because I need money to pay bills and buy food. I take showers and brush my teeth and clothe myself because if I don't I'll offend, and no one wants that. I don't do much anymore just because I want to, but I don't have much motivation to. I cook because I like to. If it was a situation where I made food just because we need to eat, it wouldn't get so interesting. I do Murray's obedience training every day because I want him to be a well behaved dog. Sometimes I watch TV because I enjoy the show. More often than not, though, it's because I just don't feel like doing anything else. More often than not, I would be just as happy reading, or making something (I have about three projects going on right now anyway), or cleaning, but...I just don't feel like it.
I go on and on about getting a new job, moving somewhere else, having a home with a nice kitchen and a fenced in backyard...but would it all really make me happier? Is there any way to make me happier? Because this seems to be the same old thing. I always think it will be so much better, but it rarely is.
It's not always so gloomy, though. I did all kinds of things for Andrew's birthday, and I had a lot of fun with that. Sometimes I go out with Linda, and I always have a good time. I guess it can't always be good.