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By Default
This was one of two pieces that I wrote for the Shitennou.com ficathon. The theme was non-couple interaction.
Title: By Default
Characters: Mako; Kunzite
Genre: CT
Rating: M
By Default
by CC2, or Char, or Charlie whatever you whichever you wanna call me ^_^
~*~
She had been awake for a while now, listening to his shifting movements and any light sounds that made it through the closed windows and doors. Her long body felt sore and restless. It wanted to move out of the harsh heat of the late morning, to be released from the claustrophobic confines of the sheets. With a sigh she left the bed, unable to be still any longer and made her way to a dark robe that lay sprawled on the couch, chilled now that she had moved from the direct light of the sun.
“Do we love each other, Makoto?” Came a soft voice from behind her.
Makoto whirled around, shocked not only by the question, but by the tone of voice with which it was delivered. Usually he was strong, deep and brimming with confidence. She looked down into his eyes, and he looked up from his sitting position on the bed. In all the time that she had known him, this was the first instance where she had ever seen him unsure. His grey eyes were light, without the steel that normally emanated from his entire being; instead they shone with something akin to apprehension. She suddenly felt very ill, the queasiness building until it threatened to reach her throat; she sat herself on the edge of the bed and averted her eyes, shame flooding her at what they had born witness to.
Keith scrunched his eyebrows into a frown, her silence telling him what a mistake he had made, “Mako, I didn’t mean -” he fidgeted with the white sheet, at a loss on how to fix the situation, “what I wanted to - I - it’s not-”
“No,” She cut him off simply and lifted her eyes, daring herself to meet his gaze. The fact that he had been floundering had only made it worse. This was not the way it was supposed to be. He was the strong and confident leader; she was merely one of the followers, taking his orders without question. Makoto was never meant to have seen this side of him, to notice his insecurity. She bit her lip in anger; destiny had managed to deceive them yet again; when they had been shown their future, there had been no mention of what would really come, that what they had been told would be, was in fact nothing but the random result of choices and chance, something that could be easily changed.
“No?” The resolve in her voice had taken him by surprise. It shouldn’t have: Makoto always had a tendency of making decisions quickly and sticking to them, it was a trait which they normally shared - this issue being the apparent exception. An internal war waged within Keith with no answer in sight, however she seemed to be so sure. It was foolish and unlike him to blurt out a question that should have never even been thought about, let alone asked. He chastised himself for slipping in his old age, when he was younger he would have been more guarded, much less careless with his words.
The disappointment radiating off of him upset Makoto further. She watched him take in a deep breath: she had hurt him, yet there was no other answer she could give. “I’m sorry if I’ve upset you.”
The annoyed look he gave her pulled at the knots already formed in her stomach, she was unsure if he was angry at her for seeing through him, or at himself for letting his defences down - it didn’t matter though, they were equally disconcerting. She was not supposed to be one of the privileged few who were allowed too far beyond the wall that Kei had built around himself. That had been Minako’s right; and Endymion’s. But they were both dead, long since buried, just like the others, except of course for herself, the Senshi of Protection, and the Lead Shitennou.
“I’m the one who should be sorry.” He solidified his voice, using the formal tone he reserved for diplomats, “It was imprudent of me to ask; in doing so I put you in an awkward position and I apologise. I appreciate your honest answer.”
Makoto put her hand on his shoulder, sliding her thumb along the strong muscle in a form of a caress, “Apology accepted.”
He smiled briefly, but nonetheless he held a slight feeling of bitterness; if it had been Mina she would have fought with him, she would have stopped him from trying to hide behind his mask of being the head Shitennou, she would have forced him to reveal his weaknesses to her; cajoled and coaxed his problems out of him. She would have helped him find a solution because she would have understood what he felt.
But this was Makoto, and she was not the chosen leader of the Senshi. Her years of being the last of Serenity’s Sailor Soldiers may have given her some insight into the responsibility, but it was during a time of relative peace. Minako had lived and died a leader, mirroring each of Keith’s emotions, understanding his every decision. Minako was his equal; although Makoto handled the position forced on her by fate very well, she still viewed Keith as her superior and there relationship had been solidified on that premise. And from her answer, it seemed like it could never change.
Makoto took her hand from his shoulder and sighed, “Aren’t we being ridiculous? We aren’t doing anything wrong, it shouldn’t feel so terrible.”
“But it does,” He stated.
“So maybe we should stop,” She made her way to the couch again and put on the robe, tying the knot forcefully with her back to him, as if it would increase her determination. She waited for the question he always asked when she gave that answer.
“Do you want to end this?” His voice was flat as if repeating lines from a script.
She shook her head, trying to stop her shoulders from shaking as her eyes pooled. “No,” she whispered, “you know I don’t.”
“I’d never force you Makoto,” he said, “If this is too hard to do, then maybe-”
“What do you want Kei?” She cut in, “You’re always asking me, but what do you think?” She turned around and sat on the bed, asking an unspoken question. She needed him to have the answer; she wanted an order, a command, something that would give her confused emotions a decision.
Keith didn’t answer for a while, deliberating on what he should say, on how he should guide her; but once again he threw caution to the wind, “I don’t know.” He was tired, he didn’t want to lead anymore, how could he when he was so confused himself? Looking towards the window and into the blue sky of the late morning he uttered in a low voice, more to himself than to Makoto, “I want to end me.”
It was not the answer she hoped for, nor was it what she expected, but she did understand what he meant. She had wished for the same thing since the day Serenity had passed away, leaving Makoto with no excuse to go on living; but by some sick twist of fate they just seemed unable to die. Their duties were not yet finished: they still had more to do, there were still people that needed saving, to be taken care of; their world still needed watching over. It was conceivable that their tasks would never end, no-one was sure. But despite the fact that their aging process had come to a near complete stop when the Earth was cleansed, their age showed in other ways: through their actions, and their thoughts. They felt old, like their souls were being stretched so far that they would eventually tear. Perhaps one day they would, and that would be the end.
But while they waited for their time to come they had made a grave mistake, and looking into his eyes now, Mako felt like she had crossed some forbidden line. She had always known her powers were both a gift and a curse, but at first she hadn’t realised how lonely they could make her. In the beginning she had considered her birthright a blessing, a chance to be a part of a group who cared for her and loved each other, a substitute for the family she had lost. And then there had been Nick who had completed her perfect happiness. But now, who was there for her to lean on? Her children? No, they looked to her for their problems, still vulnerable, still wavering even though they were fully grown with children of their own. The new Queen? Chibi-Usa was young in spirit, and not nearly so well equipped to deal with her position as her mother had been…by default alone Makoto had sought out Kei, late one evening, many years ago, on one of the anniversaries of Nick’s passing, and she had cried on him until her eyes went dry, begging him to stop the pain aching within her.
To her surprise he had been compassionate. She had known that he was a kind man, but he had never been as open with her as he had then. He had tried to soothe her, consoling her with comforting whispers and tenderness, just as eager to dispel his own feelings of loss; but as the nights sailed slowly by and their grief did not diminish, it was no longer enough to simply cry, so they took more from each other.
He kissed her one late evening, and she had been eager to respond, desperate to feel something better than the utter heartbreak that consumed her. But they only ever managed to quell the pain for a short period of time, and later the hurt would always return, laden with guilt at what they had done. In secret - though it was more than likely that most of the palace officials knew (but then who really cared?) -they had continued, and eventually over the years the guilt lessened, but the loneliness always came back.
Keith started to become uncomfortable, “If there’s one thing that you and Mina have in common, it’s that it’s impossible to tell what you’re thinking.” He said, irrationally worrying that he had alarmed her with his reply.
Her answer was to slightly widen her feeble grin. The quiet seemed deafening, but there was nothing more for her to say. What they were doing together, what they felt for each other, it was not love. At least, not in the way Kei had meant it, and she would not let herself be deluded into thinking that it was. She was not a child anymore, hunting in desperation for the right person to be her ‘sempai’. She was very much was older, and wiser, she had learnt well from the losses that she had suffered.
But it seemed that where age made Makoto more solemn, Keith became less sure of himself. Though few realised it, Kei had always relied on others to be his strength; he did not believe that his loyalty and dedication stemmed from his own being, but from those around him. It was not until the deaths of those he loved most that he realised how drastically it weakened him. It was a flaw in his being, he could not be happy unless there was someone to be happy for. His drive for perfection had come from his sense of duty to others; he lived for them. If Keith was considered great, it was only because those around him had made him so.
When Jared had died, he no longer held the same love for silence and solitude as he once had; and when Mina had gone, Keith found that it had become almost unbearable, “Could you cook me something?” He asked in an attempt for conversation.
Makoto cleared her throat lightly before she answered, plastering on a smile, plainly willing to let the previous subject drop, “What would like? I could do a full fry up, or I can have the cook send up some fruit if you’d prefer something lighter.”
“I don’t care. Anything. Something. Just as long as you do it.”
At her questioning glance he clarified. “Nick once told me that your moods were reflected in your cooking.”
Makoto’s eyes widened in shock, “Really?”
“Personally I never noticed any waver in your culinary abilities,” he reassured her smiling a little again, “but you never know, if I concentrate hard enough maybe I can find some minor flaw that would let me to figure out what’s going on in there.” He pointed half-heartedly to Makoto’s head.
A small smirk threatened to spread across her lips as she whispered to herself, “That’s why he was always hungry when he wanted to…” she trailed off, obviously lost in her own private thoughts. He didn’t press her to continue.
“Did he talk a lot about that sort of thing?” she asked suddenly, snapping out of her daze. Kei smiled at that, broadly, deepening lines that barely hinted as his true age, his storm coloured eyes focused on something that Makoto couldn’t see. He bent his knee, bringing the heel of his foot towards him under the sheets. He rested his elbow on his leg and for a second Makoto believed it could have been Nick relaxing across the bed. She wondered if Kei had picked up that way of sitting from Nick or whether it had been the other way around. Maybe she was just trying to see things that weren’t really there. She didn’t like that last thought and pushed it to the back of her mind.
“Not really, he’d let a few things slip from time to time, but not very often.”
“What else did he ‘let slip’?” She asked a little wearily. Kei had an uncanny ability to remember everything, especially the bits that you wanted him to forget.
His hard eyes focused back onto her, “Little things really, like that your rose earrings came from your parents, that you prefer your sake cold, nothing too embarrassing.” He looked at her, his gaze so intense she had to fight the urge to look away. Nick’s eyes had been fascinating, two different colours that she simply couldn’t get enough of, the left one had been a shining aqua blue and the right a deep coffee brown; if it had been Nick, he would have teased her a little before answering her question. She felt a pang in her heart, and scolded herself for reverting back to her childish habit of comparing everything. “Mina would never shut up about you,” She rolled her eyes for effect.
“Yeah, she used to come tell me afterwards what she would gossip to you girls about. Sometimes I just preferred not knowing.” He sounded exasperated, which surprised Makoto. When Mina had been alive his retelling of any of her antics were always accompanied with some form of vexation, but nowadays there was a certain wistfulness when he spoke about her, how ironic, Makoto thought, that it’s good to hear the annoyance in his voice.
“Oh it wasn’t so bad, it was mostly superficial anyway,” she consoled, “Oh my, his biceps are like solid rocks!” She fanned herself, trying to recreate a little of Minako for him, “Look what he bought me from Egypt! Did you knowthat he fired that arrogant little Junior Minister? Oh. My. God.” She tried to punctuate each word with a high squeal, “What do I get him for his birthday?!” She laughed at herself, revelling in the memory of her bubbly friend, “She never really told us anything serious, she always kept that to herself.” Kei didn’t say anything, but Makoto was quite accustomed to his lack of responses, “Well, except for the time she gave us a blow by blow account about your reaction to her redecorating the throne room.”
Kei laughed out loud, “I’d completely forgotten about that. She had put up giant yellow bows all over the place.” He shook his head and Makoto laughed along with him, “I was furious at her, she put those damn things up everywhere.”
If she recalled correctly, she had in fact quite liked those bows, but Makoto stayed silent, allowing him to delve into his memories as he had allowed her to do.
He continued to chuckle, “Do you remember the time when Ami first caught you and Nick in his office?”
“Oh my God how could I forget? I’d never seen her so red in my life!” She ran her hands through her dark hair, still slightly embarrassed at what had happened after all these years, “And then as she was running out she bumped straight into you and landed in a heap on the floor!”
He started laughing so hard his sides hurt, it echoed loudly throughout the room, an unfamiliar sound that made Makoto’s heart soar.
“You both came sprinting round the corner,” he choked out, “stark naked to see if she was alright.”
Makoto’s entire body shook, from her loose chocolate waves and her shining emerald eyes to the tips of her toes, she let out giggles that she hadn’t heard herself make since she’d been in high school, “I don’t think we could’ve made the situation any worse.”
“The best part was when she tried to explain what had happened to Serenity and Endymion.”
Makoto stopped laughing for a second, searching her memory; her eyes suddenly widened as she remembered, “The animal analogies!”
With the recognition came another fit of giggles.
It took a while for them to calm down enough to talk again, Kei wiped his eyes and looked at her for a moment, trying to catch his breath before speaking, “What about the time Jared and Zach snuck into Endy’s room and replaced all his clothes with vintage wear?” he started chuckling again.
Makoto gasped, “Wasn’t that just before his final exams?”
Keith nodded, “He did one of them in purple flares and a pink shirt.” From that point onwards the morning consisted of them reminiscing.
They opened up memories of before they had become rulers of the world, from when they had been young and nothing but children playing superhero; they remembered the joy that came after the Treaty of Earth had been established and all the accomplishments that they had achieved afterwards. Some memories had not been thought about in what seemed like eons, others were not as old, but just as precious. But slowly uneasiness settled in again as their recollections gradually turned bittersweet. Funny moments in battles and silly little fights brought back remembrances of the more serious incidents and they brought to light, brutally once again, that those who shared their precious memories were no longer there.
There was a long pause before either spoke again, “I miss them all so much.”
Kei placed his hand over Makoto’s, “So do I.”
“I wish Serenity was here, you could never be unhappy around her. And Nick always was the perfect size to hug,” Her eyes started to well again. Kei brought her towards him, pulling her into his arms, “And Mina always said the right thing to make you feel better…” She buried herself within his hold, sobbing for the countless time.
“She used to read me like a book, better than Endy even could,” he whispered lightly, lifting her head up and wiping the salty pools away,
“she could predict what I’d do down to how I’d lift my eyebrows. It was one of her great gifts.”
“All present and parcel of being the Goddess of Love as she would say.” Makoto quipped through a sniffle.
They laughed a little at the misstated quote.
“She’d think I’m being silly, crying over her like this.” She tried to wipe her face, slightly embarrassed at her ability to break down at the drop of a hat.
“Nah…she’d love the attention.” Kei pulled her hands away from her face, “Now if was Rei…”
Makoto laughed and rolled her eyes, “She’d huff and tell me to stop being such a soppy moron.”
“I believe it would be something to that effect, yes.” He slipped his fingers into her hair and pushed a few strands from her eyes. She leant into the touch, kissing the palm of his hand.
He brought her face close to his and kissed her tentatively once, twice, before deepening it and laying her on the bed, he slid her firmly underneath him as his lips travelled across her cheeks and over her eyelids, making their way down the bridge of her nose to her mouth again. As he kissed her she wrapped her hands into his hair, losing herself in the feel of the silvery strands. It was happening again, like it always did. They ran away from their pain, unable to face it alone, opting instead to shut the world out for a little while.
His hands pulled at the shoulders of her robe until the thin garment exposed her to the waist. He massaged one breast as he sucked at the other, scraping his teeth on her dark nipple lightly before nursing it with his tongue. She gasped audibly, wrapping her legs around his hips and bringing his body closer to her own.
He raised his head, meeting her piercing green eyes for a moment before looking away quickly. He wanted to see sky blue, surround himself with hair as golden as the sun, so he shut his eyes and pretended, knowing full well Makoto would be doing the same. He could never replace Nick, and she would never equal Mina, but at least they could try and take solace in each other.
~ Fin. ~