Open Letter to All CEOs of Public Transport Bodies!
The government has plans to remove all the cars in the UK and replace them with public transport, in a futile attempt to reverse climate change and save a few Polar bears from feeling a bit warmer during those long, cold Artic winters. However, I do see a slight problem with this plan.
Trains, and all other forms of public transport, are crap!
Lets ignore the regular complaint that they are always late, because this it turns out, is a lie. On the Edinburgh to Bathgate suburban (read "commuter") line, over 90% of the trains run within a few minutes of their scheduled times. A vast improvement on the stereotype that every Brit has of our train network. Let us also forget the smell, that smell of a thousand, poorly wiped, arses sitting and sweating on every seat in the carriage. What I really cannot stand are the people. In your own car, you can be alone, or at least, only have to share your company with those you like, or like sufficiently to split your petrol costs with. Not only that, you get to choose the music that plays, and the volume at which it travels from the speakers and into your ears. None of that awful, modern dance and pop played at full volume from a speaker that sounds like it’s being played through an Irn Bru can, or just as bad, full volume through someone’s earphones, but from which all you can hear is the bass line following a simple melody, so simple that a thousand monkeys sitting at a thousand typewriters for a thousand years would consider it rubbish and throw it away!
What is worst is that this isn’t the end to the crappiness. As the news keeps harping on about, we are in the midst of a recession. Money is literally vanishing into thin air and companies are just collapsing left right and centre. The government has dropped VAT to try and get us, the consumers, to buy more stuff to help keep the economy afloat. But Scotrail and Lothian Buses have just increased their basic fares, again, much to the dismay of everyone who relies on their services. They don’t even have the excuse that running costs have gone up considering unemployment is apparently so high that you can pay people three loaves of bread a week and they’ll think they’re the richest man alive, and fuel has dropped from more than £1.20 a litre for diesel to less than £1! Yes, electricity and gas have gone up, but I don’t see much in the way of gas cookers or electric ovens on buses. OK, the depot’s and offices need these services, but those are elementary costs, and they too are about to fall. So surely the cost of running has dropped, or is about to drop?
You may be thinking that this is the end of it, but no! There is more! Showing a complete lack of common sense, customer service and general decency, the Scottish government has decided to bring the Trams back to Edinburgh. Brilliant, a quick and efficient mode of transportation to alleviate congestion. Not! For the past year, and for the next two years at least (let’s not forget the Scottish Parliament building and its construction timetable) Edinburgh city council have blocked off the busiest street in all of Edinburgh, and most streets connecting onto it. Wise move guys! This has had the effect of diverting almost every bus in Edinburgh onto the various side streets, which are now so clogged you can’t get a bike, let alone a bus, through the gaps in the traffic. This headache can’t even be relieved by the knowledge that the trams will come, because as we all know, they must follow a specific path, like a train, and all vehicles must give way to them. Except the roads these trams will be using struggle to allow the buses through even though they can move around the various obstacles in their path.
All this proves that all forms of public transport are crap! And I would advise you all to purchase a cheap car and use that instead. Unfortunately, as we all know, Edinburgh has plans which seem to follow Westminsters. Cars, they feel, are the Devil’s handiwork, and as such, must be banned. It seems our choices are as follows...
Cycle everywhere and die in the choking fumes of “Auld Reekie” while dodging death-trap trams, or sit on the trams as they derail and fly into the side of a wall after you have spent you’re three loaves of bread on your one-way ticket. The choice is yours!
Also I would like to add I found Jeremy Clarkson's remark about Gordon Brown being a "One Eyed Scottish Idiot" neither offensive or hurtful. He is complaining about Gordon, not claiming all scottish people are an idiot etc. It's no more offensive than calling a pilot a "stupid pilot"...not calling all Pilots stupid, just that particular one. Can the world PLEASE stop being so politically correct for fuck sake!