off the beaten path but not totally lost
Gonna spill my guts here a little bit behind an Lj cut so that way you aren't forced to read it if you don't want to. just a warning i have no idea what i am about to say.
A lot has gone on in my life especially in the last couple months. I feel i have learned more since august than the rest of my life combined, and therefore will never ever regret doing a 5th year of college. i needed it. These learning experiences have had their casualties and for that i am sorry, however, i don't feel i would have learned all that i have without having made the decisions i did, whether they hurt someone or not. Every day lately i feel like i gain a new respect and understanding of the decision megan and i made this September. She was so right on SOOO many things that i completely ignored. i can't change that and i don't wish to because i wouldn't have learned what i did, but i will say i see what she was saying all along about so many things. i can be pig headed and stubborn and believe that i am always right. I pacify and lie and avoid confrontation. unfortunately for me, they all feed each other and make it easier to do. The past four months have been spent evaluating and re-evaluating these qualities of myself. They are not who i am, but instead what i have become. they are fine in lesser quantities or sparingly, but i had begun to rely on them as my only source of personal contact in all aspects of life. I can't prove i have or will change. i cant show proof or data to support my claim. all i can do is say that i have finally realized what so many have been telling me for so long. I don't like that it took me so long to hear this or so long to start acting on it, but i can enjoy the fact that i am still relatively young. This has been building up for some time but two instances really solidified this feeling for me. the first happened about a week ago, when i told mary that i had lied to her, the look on her face pierced my heart. the disappointment and pain on her face made me want to die. i never really got how much a white lie had hurt anyone before that. i don't know why, but it just hit me and i never want to make someone feel like that again. the second was the two night conversation with mom and dad in which a lot of things from the past and my life were hashed out and resulted in two sleepless nights of tears and drinking, but really made me realize what everyone was saying all along to me. (for the record i am NOT drunk right now to answer that question). this of course does not solve any of the situations that have resulted from behavior in the past, however i just want to put this out here, not as a new years resolution cause thats sorta hokey, hence why its the 29th when i am writing this, but just a new resolution on life. i feel the old cory is back. everyone can take that for what it is, but i feel really good about this. maybe more specifics to follow later, also feel free to ask questions of me, i will answer anything.
A lot has gone on in my life especially in the last couple months. I feel i have learned more since august than the rest of my life combined, and therefore will never ever regret doing a 5th year of college. i needed it. These learning experiences have had their casualties and for that i am sorry, however, i don't feel i would have learned all that i have without having made the decisions i did, whether they hurt someone or not. Every day lately i feel like i gain a new respect and understanding of the decision megan and i made this September. She was so right on SOOO many things that i completely ignored. i can't change that and i don't wish to because i wouldn't have learned what i did, but i will say i see what she was saying all along about so many things. i can be pig headed and stubborn and believe that i am always right. I pacify and lie and avoid confrontation. unfortunately for me, they all feed each other and make it easier to do. The past four months have been spent evaluating and re-evaluating these qualities of myself. They are not who i am, but instead what i have become. they are fine in lesser quantities or sparingly, but i had begun to rely on them as my only source of personal contact in all aspects of life. I can't prove i have or will change. i cant show proof or data to support my claim. all i can do is say that i have finally realized what so many have been telling me for so long. I don't like that it took me so long to hear this or so long to start acting on it, but i can enjoy the fact that i am still relatively young. This has been building up for some time but two instances really solidified this feeling for me. the first happened about a week ago, when i told mary that i had lied to her, the look on her face pierced my heart. the disappointment and pain on her face made me want to die. i never really got how much a white lie had hurt anyone before that. i don't know why, but it just hit me and i never want to make someone feel like that again. the second was the two night conversation with mom and dad in which a lot of things from the past and my life were hashed out and resulted in two sleepless nights of tears and drinking, but really made me realize what everyone was saying all along to me. (for the record i am NOT drunk right now to answer that question). this of course does not solve any of the situations that have resulted from behavior in the past, however i just want to put this out here, not as a new years resolution cause thats sorta hokey, hence why its the 29th when i am writing this, but just a new resolution on life. i feel the old cory is back. everyone can take that for what it is, but i feel really good about this. maybe more specifics to follow later, also feel free to ask questions of me, i will answer anything.